My name is Kate Kirkpatrick and I am the National Family Network Coordinator for The Collaboration to AdoptusKids and the Adoption Exchange Association. Throughout our conversations on this blog, I will give you updates on the work of AdoptUsKids and keep you informed about our upcoming projects and events. That will all come later, but first and foremost - Congratulations on your decision to adopt! This blog is designed to answer your questions and offer support to you through the adoption process. Your feedback will guide me in choosing the issues that are discussed here....so please feel free to "talk" with me! - Kate
Kate Kirkpatrick
Family Network Coordinator
Blog Archive
About Me
- Kate Kirkpatrick
- I have worked as the National Family Network Coordinator for the Collaboration to AdoptUsKids for 3 years. Before I was part of this team, I worked as an adoption caseworker in Baltimore, MD and a medical foster care specialist in Philadelphia, PA. I have advocated for both families and children throughout the foster care and adoption processes (including the home study, placement, and finalization). Our office is located in Baltimore, MD but I work primarily from my home in Harrisburg, PA. My favorite pastime is interior design. My husband is an earth science teacher who spends his free time surfing and snowboarding. We are the proud parents of one son. I am excited to hear your story and support you as you build your family through adoption!
43 comments:
I am sooo glad to see this! I will make sure our families are aware of this opportunity for dialouge!!!
This is a great idea, How hard is it to adopt children from another state? What would that process look like?
I am adopting my first child and I am really happy to see that there is another resource for me to utilize. Thank you!
This is awesome! A lot of changes have been going on in Iowa recently regarding foster care and special needs adoption so it is great to be able to reach out and touch base with families from other states!
I am so glad this is here . My husband and I are trying to adopt from foster care. It will be really nice to have someone to talk to who is where we are in the process or has been there and has insight.
We have adopted 6 children thru foster care. 5 in Massachusetts and one in New York. Does anyone know if we can adopt again? In Massachusetts you can not adopt more than 6 children. So we are looking out of state. May we adopt again.
Does any one have resources regarding same sex adoption?
my wife and I are wondering what is the usual time line for adopting after placement of a child. The county here in Missouri requests that the process be started within the first three to four months and we are thinking that is too soon and the "honeymoon" period is not over yet. Everything we have seen or heard goes to more like a year wait to make sure that everyone is happy with the blended family.
I am glad to see that there is a sounding board for us here...i started the process to try to adopt within the foster care system a year ago and it has not been the easiest road to navigate. Hopefully this is a place to gather and share information
We are trying to finish our home study but need to do some things to the house to finish up. Does anyone know of financial resources that are available for things like this? (carpet replacement and bedroom furnature)
Does anyone have experience with trying to get your homestudy renewed after the one year expiration has been reached? We are on a waiting list for this but no date was given. In most states, does this take you out of the running for any children that home study was recieved prior to expiration date?
In Utah our foster Care foundation has a volunteer who collects donated furniture and supplies to help foster parents. They also find companies that give discounts to foster parents like kid to kid.
I have a question. Do caseworkers very often even consider families out of state to adopt? or does the distance interfer too much. I have three adopted boys that were each adopted at birth, but we'd love so much to have a daughter too. We have put in inquiries about many waiting girls, but never really hear anything back.
We are in the beginning stages of pursuing and adoption of a 15 year old in another county of the state of Florida. Setting up visitation is made difficult because we live approx 2 1/2 hours away and our current son (an only child and adopted from birth) is autistic. We've been talking on the phone, but we have our first visit tomorrow! We've heard various snippets about college being paid for if a child is adopted from the foster care system and IF they attend a college in the state of Florida. Is this true? Are there any benefits paid for the child attending a college out of state? He has his heart on attending an out of state college and if we adopt him we want to do everything possible to make that happen. Also, is he eligible to receive adoption stipends if and when the adoption is finalized? Maybe we could sock that money away for him since we have a lot of years to make up for. I would welcome comments from anyone regardinga adopting an older child from the foster care system. Thanks for this blog, it is a great idea!
Each states must have different policies about when a foster or adoptive child is placed in your home, and when they will pursue the adoption. In Illinous, where I am from, a child must be in your home a least a year before they will move forward with the adoption. This seems to be a smart policy, and well over the "honeymoon" phase, and this allows you to know what type of problems, either medical or psychological that you may in for when you adopt.
I have been waiting for this blog. Our homestudy was approved in October. We have looked at countless profiles in our state of Oklahoma, and have not heard back on any of them. As a result, we have inquired about children from other states. Their workers seemed to be anxious to adopt to us, but my worker wont even show me the children's info. She says it is her job to place Oklahoma children. I talked to her supervisor and she said the same. I feel like we could already have a child in our home if we were allowed to adopt out of state. We are considering the prospect of not looking at anymore profiles, and if we don't get aproved for any of the children we have already looked at just calling it off. I'm in college, and I can't even make plans for next semester because I don't know if we will have a child or not.
I live in Georgia and the local agency that handles foster to adopt placement has started a support group for adoptive parents. Our group consists of families or singles who have been approved to adopt and families who have already adopted. It is a great place to discuss our concerns and to share our experiences. I will be a adoptive single parent and I am waiting to be matched with my forever child and this group has definitely helped me to know what to expect and to allow me to realize I am not alone. It's great to have people to talk to who understand exactly what you are going through.
I am glad to see another way or gaining information about the adoption process. It seems that many workers ask for homestudies to be sent once and inquiry is made but no follow through after that. Is anyone having the same problem? If so, any suggestions on how to find out the status especially if you in the military and stationed overseas?
We have inquired about several sibling groups in states other than Colorado where we live, and each time we have been told that they want to look for a placement within their own state first. I understand that, but then we never hear from them again and I see the same children on the site month after month after month. Wouldn't a home in another state be better than waiting in hopes a local family will want them?
We are getting some feedback that we are too old to adopt. We have a 9 year old and would like another girl just a bit younger. What is 'too old' to adopt a 7-9 year old?
I am having lots of trouble getting OK DHS to complete my home study and get things going. I first contacted them in March 2007, and now in Jan 2008 the outsourced home study person is one month late in completion, and the DHS worker cannot find files associated with my first adoption. Should I complain to the Governer? Give up?
Your advice?
Out of state adoptions are doable, but it takes a lot of patience. First of all social workers in each state are working for the children of their state. Secondly, many children with a plan for adoption also have siblings or other biological family members that they wish to keep in contact with so out of state won't work for them. I also believe that some states hesitate with out of state placements for children with a lot of issues, because they fear that if it doesn't work out, they'll have to bring the children back. I've found success when I engage my social work (who is superb!) to call states for me. Some states like contact with other social workers, not parents. There's more to say, but mostly, we all just have to persevere!
My husband and I are looking to adopt and are new to the process. We reside in NYC and are looking interested in children in other states. Does anyone have any experience with interstate adoption in NY? Also, we currently are looking for a larger home. At what part in the homestudy does the social worker visit your residence?
The social worker physically visiting your home generally happens with the initial interview. They come out and talk to you and inspect your home for safety issues and sleeping quarters etc. They are not coming to do a white glove test, so dont panic. They are checking for things like smoke detectors, hot and cold running water, flushing toilet, no hanging wiring, etc.
If you are looking for a larger home, just inform the worker when they come. The can come out to the new home and reinspect and make the changes to your study once you have relocated. However, if your home now is not ready for children due to lack of space, the you are better to wait until you have the room, because you would most likely not be approved without the bedroom(s) for the incoming child/ren.
Hope that helps.
We have now been searching for a child to adopt since last December. It has been a very frustrating time. Most of the time we never hear back from anyone, after we have our homestudy sent. Does anyone have any advise?
Florida foster care does pay for children adopted in Fl to attend a Fl only university of their choice. Also yes, there is a monthly stipen which is $364.00 a month for a 15 yr old. We adopted out 15 yr old from Fl.
Peace
My name is Sarah Hunter and I am the AdoptUsKids Military RRT. This means that I assist military families with the adoption process. In response to your question, some caseworkers will not acknowledge the receipt of the homestudy unless, after reviewing your homestudy, you are actually being considered as a family for the child. If you do not hear from the caseworker in roughly a week after they would have received it, it is reasonable to contact them by phone or email. You might also want to have your social worker contact the caseworker to find out what the child's status is and if you are being considered. Sometimes, this speeds the process along. If you are a military family, I would also be happy to assist you with any questions you have or assist you in finding out the child's status on AdoptUsKids.org. You may email me at shunter@adoptex.org.
I am Kathleen Waters, the Adoption Program and Policy Manager for the state of Florida. Thank you for stepping forward for making a commitment to a teen who needs
and wants a permanent family. The college waiver program is only for colleges, universities, community
colleges and vocational secondary schools in Florida and only for
public/state schools. This program is strictly a waiver of tuition fees for our foster children and those adopted
from foster care and is therefore not transferable to other states.
In regards to adoption subsidy, a monthly subsidy for children who are determined to be "special needs" until the child reaches age 18, requires an eligibility determination of the child be completed by the counselor or
agency for the child. A child who is 15 years old will automatically meet two of the three criteria in that he is over age 8 and there are no families registered on the adoption exchange who will adopt a 15 year old without subsidy. The third criteria requires the agency to document that a court order states the termination of parental rights of the birth parents resulted in the child being permanently committed to the Department (or a licensed child placing agency) for adoption.
Is it possible to adopt a child when you reside in a one bedroom apartment? I would give the child the bedroom.
Please contemplate adopting teens! They are our future and they need our help and guidance now before it's to late! We have adopted our 13 yr old (now 15) and are in the process of adopting 16, 17 and 17!
A special blessing is in store for the adoption of teenagers!(smile)
Our mission is minority teenage boys! God is in control... Faith and Love... C
Adoptuskids was a great help in us finding a phone # contact for our son's to be, worker... Thanks for being available... Complete your home study register with the site, it's so worth it...
This is in response to Daddysmarie. I am apart of the Recruitment Response Team in Oklahoma. If you would contact 888-200-4005 we can find out what county you live in and make contact with your worker and that supervisor and explore the barriars that prevent you from having a child placed in your home.
My husband and I completed the entire certification process almost 2 years ago. This included background checks, homestudies and training. Yet,we never hear from our agency about available children. In fact, we never hear from them at all! Can we work with someone else or do we have to stay with the same agency that gave us our license? We are actually looking for a child between 3-6! African American or Hispanic ... I thought there were many children available fitting this profile.
Any suggestions on resources about adopting kids older than 2 or 3. We have actually been matched with 2 kids and I think they sound great so far but of course many "friends" are now coming out of the woodwork that basically "by 3 the kids are screwed up and will never be ok and always want to return to their birth parents even if it's 15 years later." My husband is getting very cold feet. Any suggested reading? Please?
Dear Lady with Chilly Footed Hubby :-)
Please tell your husband that most of these kids are not any more "screwed up" than a child whose parents get divorced or suffer any other kid of loss in their family like a favored aunt moving away or a beloved grandfather passing away. They are children who need someone they can count on ...consistently and lovingly.
I have 7 adopted children, and the oldest was 12 when we got her. She is not much different than any other young teeneager and the things they go through.( Isnt there a pill for puberty?)just kidding
The sad part for kids who come from the system, is that people want to blame their "normal", age appropriate behaviors on having been a foster child. People who are you "friends" are not educated as to the fact that it was the parents who had the problem which caused the child to come into the system, not the childs issues. Most people assume an older child in care must have something wrong with them or they are a bad kid. This is a complete myth.
Remember that not even a birth child comes with a guarantee or manual, or is going to perfectly behaved....EVER...The same holds true for these kids.
I have read so much that off the top of my head i cant think of what I would suggest for reading. I can, however, suggest a place to receive free books to borrow to read. GO to Utah's Adoption Lending Library online and you can have them send you books or tapes on a large variety of topics. They will also send you the envelopes to return them. I know as soon as I list this link, I will never again be able to get a book I need because they will always be out( lol ), but that would be an asset to the children in care who need parents to understand them.
https://www.utdcfsadopt.org/cgi-bin/adopt/library/main.cgi
Hope that helps
Dear Lady with Chilly Footed Hubby :) (as per prior post response).
First, a Disclaimer: I've never blogged before and I think your question could take so many directions, yet I really want to give you an answer that helps you. And, also want to encourage you & your husband NOT to give up.
Second: I agree with what the prior responder had to say so this is not contradictory.
Third: This is where I'm coming from... I have six daughters all but one adopted as teenagers; and have worked with dozens of children in therapeutic respite and foster care ranging from ages 2 to 18 with all kinds of issues; and encouraged and supported birth, foster, and adoptive parents on their journeys. I have seen children from as young as birth or old as 14 at adoption, with years of foster care, do GREAT... and have seen children as young as birth to 18 struggle and grieve their parents in unbelievable ways; just as we have seen families with birth children succeed and struggle. For all parents, parenting is work, for some children, healing is their work too.
I can't tell from your post whether you have been matched with these children or if you have them placed in your home... it appears just matched and not placed.
Children are the most wonderful and most challenging addition to our lives, regardless of the source of their addition, adoption, birth, step by marriage, foster, grandchildren, or just accumulated because they need a grown up and we've given them the time and attention they need. There are many issues that manifest prior to age 3 that may or may not be recognized until the child is older.
Plan and pray for a happy family with happy children and have open eyes going in so if there is a problem you don't go into denial but catch it head on.
These are my best recommendations:
1) Learn all you can about these children, were they fed, nurtured, born with drugs in their system, family history, etc. Obviously they are available for a reason and the more you know going in the better. What has happened to them that may even be pre-verbal (before they knew words, they knew feelings).
2) Learn all you can about attachment and attachment disorders and consult a really good attachment therapist about the placement. There are great attachment resources and healing can happen for children who have been hurt or neglected... at some point, I believe, it is as much up to the child to "choose" to heal as it is up to the parents, therapists, and people who love them to provide the tools to help them heal. (Ie. I have finger fed a 16 year old and watched her complextion literally change because she "choose" to trust me, really trust me, her adoptive mom, for the first time in her placement and adoption.) Seek resources: attachment.org (Nancy Thomas is a fabulous resource!!); local and state resources, and don't be afraid to seek answers, support, and try something out of the box (meaning unusual, never cruel or harmful to child, work WITH the therapist or caseworker).
3) Know what your state/agency support system is: is there an adoption subsidy ? does it include provisions for medical, therapeutic, or even out of home placement if there is disruption; does it include daycare assistance? Learn all you can by talking to at least three adoptive parents from your state/agency that have had their children at least five years... and hang onto their numbers.
Finally, adoption is an amazing journey -- actually PARENTING is an amazing journey. It is the best and most important thing I have ever done in my life. My girls are not perfect and have certainly had their struggles. One friend who is a therapist (but not ours) said sometimes we need to adjust our version of success. As a parent that means a child born with a disability might not ever run track or get straight A's but whether birth or adopted we don't love them less.
Good Luck and God Bless.
Our favorite books are on http://www.nysccc.org/Adoptive%20Parent%20Info./RecBooks.htm. Another excellent one just came out: Nurturing Adoptions: Creating Resilience after Neglect and Trauma by Deborah D. Gray, published by Perspectives Press.
Adopting children, of any age, means that you are adding to your family and that the potential for problems that are different than those you might face with biologic children are not only possible but probable. Children in foster care often come from families where drug and alcohol addition, abuse, and neglect are common. There may be physical or mental conditions that will impact the child at any age even if you get them as infants or toddlers. Sometimes these conditions, limitations, and possibilities will be known before adoption and sometimes they will surface later in the child’s life. Does this mean that you should not adopt?
First, my advice to you is to be very clear about what you are willing to do or to put up with. Are you willing to consider the possibility of adopting a less-than-perfect child? (This is the same question you should ask yourself before you get pregnant incidentally.) Are you willing to work together with your spouse and other family members to deal with the child’s needs regardless of what those needs may be? Can you handle finding out that those needs are bigger or more involved than you were told before you adopted?
Second, do you have extensive information about the birth family? Is their life and their family condition so radically different from yours that seeing any of their characteristics in the child(ren) would make it impossible for you to parent the child(ren)? For example, if the children have been sexually abused by their family members are you willing and able to deal with that and to accept the fact that the children may, in turn, be abusive to others?
Do you have the resources (emotionally, physically, intellectually, and financially) to do the very best for the child(ren) you adopt regardless of their current actions and abilities and for any possible conditions or actions that may come up based on their past history? Are supporting services available to you? Can you find good therapists, doctors, neurologists, etc. to help the child? My experience is that the majority of children who are adopted will need these supports.
Do you have the emotional strength to be able to do 24/7 work on behalf of the child? Do you have the emotional strength to recognize that regardless of your efforts the child may not be able to overcome the impact of heredity and early environment and may continue to lie, steal, set fires, abuse himself or others, or otherwise act in ways that are contrary to your lifestyle and beliefs?
I believe that every child needs a loving home (I’ve fostered and adopted children for 35 years). I also believe that these children become ours as we foster and adopt but will also always be “theirs” too. With biologic children there are also problems raising children but parents seem to accept these more easily because we understand why the children are the way they are because we are part of what made them that way. With foster and adopted children that understanding is not always present. For example, I can not understand why any mother would sexually abuse her children but I have still had to deal with her child, in my home, abusing others. Can you live with uncertainty?
If your husband has “cold feet” you are not ready, as a couple, for the experience of raising children who may or may not have problems – and there is no way to clearly know if they will or not. As a couple you need to be willing to work together in an uncertain environment because you are dedicated to the best possible outcome for the children you parent. My suggestion is that you talk honestly with one another about what you can do. Be sure and cover the hard subjects like fire-starting, fecal-smearing, sexually predatory acting out, oppositional defiance, ADD and ADHD… If you can handle the worst (which doesn’t always occur) you can surely handle the best. Can you also handle not being able to “make things better” and still keep trying?
Adopting is, to me, a willingness to stand in the place of the biologic parent and to provide whatever supports that parent was unable, for whatever the reason, to give to the child. Not all children will want to return to their birth parents but their birth parents are always part of the children. Becoming their foster or adoptive parent will not change that. Will you be able to support the child’s need to know where he came from? Or his need to go back to that environment?
(I have six biologic children and three adopted children. I have also fostered for 35 years. Our family had an adoption that failed when it was learned that the adopted children were sexually abusing others in the family and that they could not live in a family environment. I still believe that every child needs the opportunity to have a safe, loving home.) - Kary Ledbetter, MA, MS
I would suggest Greg Keck and Regina Kopecky’s books. They are, from my vantage point, the best. They are practical and hopeful. Also, Lark Eshleman’s Becoming a Family is good. Practical, down to earth. I think the important thing is that you realize this is something you need to look long and hard at. Adoption is about kids, it is about providing a home for a child who is waiting. This child has been hurt, sometimes very badly. This child will most likely always yearn for their birth families. Most parents, when they think about it, realize that. I remember telling a mom once (who had adopted and birth kids and who was hurt that her son was asking about birth family) that if someone came into the delivery room and took the child she had just birthed, would she never think of that child again. Of course not…the same is true for kids…they just don’t have language, they hold the feelings in their bodies. So, it is a process for them to consider having two (or more) families. Some families can’t adjust to that, the ones that do usually don’t have too much trouble. In terms of them being screwed up, well, I have a child I got at around three and she is hardly “screwed up.” These kids require more time so they can heal but they have incredible potential…you need to talk to other successful parents (get in touch with a support group) and hear “the other side of the story.”
I am a single parent to four adopted girls (all from the foster care system). I adopted them at ages 12, 13, 8 and 13. Today they are 20, 18, 15, and 13. I was recently interviewed by Christian Broadcast Network about my views on adopting older children. The very first comment I made was that there was a big misconception out there that children cannot change after a certain age. My children transitioned in my home wonderfully. During the transition, when they were angered they stated that I was not their mother, they wanted to go back to their mother, etc. (they wanted to say anything that they felt hurt my feelings). When they figured out that none of it hurt my feelings (actually it did sometimes, I just never let on that it did...smile), they stopped saying it. I think people are far more worried about adopting than having their biological children. Biological parents have no idea what will be the outcome of their child (physical, mental, emotional, etc.). They automatically think that everything will be fine. However, they weigh the outcomes in adopted children far more heavily. Everything that I go through with my children, a lot of my friends are experiencing with their biological children. Of course, you will have to deal with attachment issues with adopted children, but my best friend has divorced and is now dating a very nice young man. Her children are having a very hard time attaching to this gentleman. I am actually helping her by giving her the same techniques that helped my children transition into my home. I don't look at myself as being the only mother to my children. They just have two. I have always let them know that after they graduate from high school if they want to see their mother, I'd help them do so. To sum it up, there will be issues...just as there'd be issues if you adopted an infant. You just have to do the very best you can as parents and hope that your child will make right decisions when they grow up. Try to place yourself in their situation...Would you want to see your biological mother? I know that I would. In fact, I was raised by my step father and I wanted to see my biological father when I reached adulthood. Today, I have met him and we talk about 3 times a year (very short conversations), it did not take away any of the love that I have for my step father...I always tell my children that that is the awesome thing about love...it is big enough to go around. They can love me and their biological mother too. Just because they love her doesn't mean they love me any less. I hope this has helped...by the way, by 20 year old does not want to see her biological mother until she graduates from college. My 18 year old said she wanted to go back for a visit when she graduated (although she has not mentioned it since turning 18). My 15 year old would like to go back to see her biological family when she graduates (her mother is dead, but she has other family she wants to see). My 13 year old has no desire whatsoever to see her biological mother or siblings. All raised by the same mother (me), but with different desires in seeing their biological families.
I have to say I am getting a little frustrated with the process. I started in Feb. "07, completed all my mandatory stuff, back ground checks, physical, finger printing, classes, etc. by June 6th "07. My worker took 4 months to put my home study together, and then when she sent it out, there was no follow up for 3 months, and now I have a new worker more than a year later.
You'd think they would want to place all of these children, so when they have someone willing to adopt, they would work hard to find placement. Is one year, and one month longer than usual? Why do you think?
adopt me
by becky antkowiak
i watch
their downcast eyes light up
as they are chosen
one by one
or together, siblings
with brand new families
i watch them leave
i wait
i'm left behind again
i am not chosen
abandoned
i dream of family
loving, warm, welcoming
i wait for love
i wish
for my turn to be next
one of the chosen
i am here
can you hear me calling
please look into my eyes
i wish for hope
i wonder
if you know how I pray
that you will choose me
rescue me
loving me forever
keeping me for always
i wonder if
My daughter and her husband have had their homestudy finished for almost 2 years now. They are referred for children, but never are chosen. They are both very overweight and want children very bad. Their worker will not give them a copy of their homestudy and has actually dropped them because they seem to complain too much. They wanted to look outside the state and has a worker (one of our workers for a sib group of 3) from another state interested in THEM. In all actuality they have no home study and no worker after 2 years of process. Oh--the homestudy does exist and we have seen it, but they can't have it. This is CHS of MN. What can we do? We have 7 adopted children and my daughter is just dying inside to be a mom. They are open to age and race. They are both employed as PCA's at our home and love children. Please help, it is so frustrating to know that there is a worker with children to place with them, but not a worker willing to talk to the out of state worker--she wants $150 for each contact. Special needs kids are special needs kids it shouldn't matter what state they come from.
We are now working on our 2nd adoption thru the Texas foster care system. We have tried numerous times to get information to adopt children in another state. When we inuqrire, it is seldom if ever we receive a reply from our inquiry. It amazes me that children ever get adopted with some of the issues I have seen take place. No wonder 95% of all families leave the system before they get to adopt. This does not bode well for the children needing to be adopted.
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