Part of the homestudy process involves establishing criteria for the children you feel prepared to parent. Traits that have been considered for matching children with families include abilities such as musical or athletic talent and general interests such as reading or sports. It’s important to point out that many birth children do not share the interests and talents of their parents, and that birth siblings, although often sharing some common interests and talents, have talents and interests of their own. Many adoption professionals state that personality is the most important area on which to focus in determining a good fit between children and families. Common interests often are a bridge to developing a relationship between a parent and a child. Many adoptive parents, however, note that children are ever changing and that parents need to be prepared to adapt to their child’s emerging personality and changing interests. Parents’ commitment to parenting is most important.
Because children enter foster care on an emergency basis, they are often placed with foster families on the basis of availability rather than on the basis of a careful assessment. Many foster parents open their homes to children whom they did not originally envision fostering. And, many of these foster families go on to adopt children who would not have been a “match” based on the foster parents’ initial thoughts about the children who would be a “good fit” with their families.
What child would best fit into your family? Consider the following:
• A child who is older than any of the current children in the family may be successfully added to a family.
• A child can be placed successfully with families who already have another child of the same age.
• A child often can be integrated into a large family as well as a smaller family.
• Adoptive parents who have a child with special needs may be able to handle another child who may or may not have special needs.
I encourage you to use broad parameters when making the decision about what child will join your family through adoption but don’t stretch beyond what you honesty believe you can handle.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
71 comments:
Hi All
I am so glad we now have this category for comments.
I think perhaps I had a little more inside info as far as behaviors and issues concerning children due to my extensive history with employment and therapeutic foster care. However, I had preferences for children that ended up contrary to all I had learned over the years. I believe now that I was rather narrow minded.
Then as the process seemed to be going no where, I started to re-think my priorities. I began looking at children who didnt "fit" my preferences because I realized that these were the children who were going to be left behind. Something clicked in my mind and I decided that regardless of the issues each and every child I looked at is an individual and not just a diagnosis. Since that time there has not been a profile that I have been offered on a child(ren) that I have not read and scrutinized on an individual basis. There have been children that I have not considered because I either did not feel that I could provide the level of care they needed and deserved or because I felt they would not be a viable fit into the family, again, that would not be fair to anyone involved. I have also said "no" to children who for whatever reason I thought might be a risk to the children in my family or that their behaviors would be detremental to others in my family.
When I inquired for the first two that I adopted there was a diagnosis for one and I knew that his "condition" was one with which I was familiar and could deal with. His brother came to me labelled "normal", which is far from the real truth. I do not blame the caseworker nor do I think the information was not disclosed. It is a situation where due to his young age when arriving at my home many things seems just slightly off. Now that he has aged some, the age inappropriateness of his behaviors and his mental limitations are more apparent. There is a big difference between a 3 1/2 year old who behaves and functions like a 2 yr old vs a 4 1/2 yr old that still does so. Needless to say he now has a diagnosis that is in some ways more severe than his older brother. It doesnt make me love him less or make me feel as though I made a mistake, I wouldnt trade him for the world. It just goes to the fact that there are times when you cannot be sure what the future might bring.
Shortly after I brought my boys home I was asked to do foster care for another boy. I read his profile and was a little hesitant at first and while I knew he was legally free ( he had disrupted from two pre-adoptive homes thru no fault of his own) I took him based on it being temporary. For one thing, I didnt want him to think that this was a permanent situation and if it didnt work, then feel as though he had done something wrong. I was hesitant due to his functioning level, he just didnt fit into my "preferences". As it turns out, he is an absolutely wonderful boy and I am in the process of finalizing with him. I am sure that at some previous point in time, had he been offered to me, I probably would have said no.
All three of my boys require much repitition concerning daily tasks and remembering rules. However, they are very compliant with those reminders. None of the three may ever be totally dependent, in fact I am sure the oldest will never be capable of total independence. They love learning and when they master a task they are extremely proud of themselves. I think I had mentioned in a previous comment that recently we met with my sons guardian and she stated in all the years she has worked with him she has never been able to carry on and hold a conversation with him until now. He made eye contact with her and was able to express himself and stay focused on their conversation. It did take months of work to get him to that point, but he is there and while sometimes being a bit harsh, like not responding to him unless he looked directly at me, it is my job to see that he accomplishes all he is capable of. He is kind, caring and you will never meet a child who is as helpful as he is. He has a great sense of humor and finds pleasure in the simpliest things which in turn has open my eyes back up to the simpler things of life.
All three of my sons are kind and caring and helpful. They all take joy in learning and their accomplishments. The house is full of laughter and love and that is what it really comes down to.
I would suggest to anyone out there who has not considered a child who is "different" to ask themselves what it is they are looking for in a child(ren). Ask yourself why you are adopting. I know I am doing it not only to enrich my own life but to enrich the lives of the children I bring into my family. Is "normal" an criteria for that?
For those of you who arent familiar with or have never had contact with children who are labelled as mentally retarded/autistic/developmentally delayed, etc there are may be ways for you to get first hand awareness. There are many schools out there who would welcome, even if only for a day, a caring adult to come into the classroom and assist. With summer coming, there are many special needs camps that would allow an adult to volunteer for a day. Test the waters. If it is love and devotion you seek in your children, most of these kids love unconditionally. They are very forgiving children also.
I am not for one minute suggesting that all children cannot bring that into a family. I think there are misconceptions when it comes to kids who truly do have special needs and would just appreciate anyone who is willing to delve deeper into the possibility of providing them a forever home. And, quite honestly, many of these kids will remain in the system because no one is willing to deal with their issues. Because they may not ever be "normal" in the way we all think of that term. Give them a chance and I guarantee you and your family will be greatly rewarded.
I would like to end by saying that this also applies to older children/teens. You many not know what you may be handling in the future with younger children but with an older child, who is able to state their opinions, likes and dislikes, you can feel relatively sure you know what is in the future. And, lets face it, these older children are not stupid and they are well aware that people out there are looking for the younger children and their chances of finding a permanent home are a lot less than the younger kids. I think maybe these older kids who have been in the system for an extended time would greatly appreciate a stable, loving family to provide for them.
Sounds like you have your hands full. What a wonderful gift you are giving these children and they are giving you. I like the article. Labeling yourself (what you can take and what you can't) is good. But don't over label yourself. You never know what kind of blessing God could bring into your life unless you leave a little room in your preferences. My child almost exceded the age range and she's been the biggest blessing in my life.
When I first started the adoption process, I envisioned adopting the daughter(s) that I've always wanted. However, as a single man, I've found that most social workers (who are usually female) seem to automatically resist such a placement. I realize that many children in the system - boys as well as girls - have been abused by men, sexually or otherwise. However, I feel as though I have been indicted for the same type of behavior simply because I am a man.
It's not that I would not enjoy having a boy placed with me. It's just that I have found in my work with children that I am really good with girls, and they often bond with me. Thus, I feel the most prepared to parent girls.
I guess my questions are these: Am I fighting a hopeless battle? Are there other single men who have succeeded in adopting girls? Are there any social workers who realize that a man's desire to adopt girls is quite the same as a woman's desire to adopt boys, only reciprocated?
I would still have an empty place in my heart if I just adopted boys, as so many social workers have tried to get me to do, and that would not be fair to the boys. They might pick up on the fact that I really want a daughter. I don't want to risk that.
I have been reasonable and compromised by inquiring about brother/sister combinations, but usually with either no response or lack of serious consideration.
Can anyone encourage me?
To the single man who posted :
I feel for you and think what you have to say is just another ridiculous fault in the current system. It goes to why there are so many children still in the system rather than in adoptive homes. I do believe that there are adoption workers out there who would believe that you simply would like to have a daughter. To assume that you want a girl for any other reason is ridiculous and it sounds like someone has chosen to stereotype. I dont know what state you live in but if you would like to post your state it may be that someone who reads the comments on this site could give you information on an agency that might be more of an advocate for you.
I do think that being a single parent is a hinderance in the minds of some caseworkers. I have found myself in that situation even though I am a female.
I can tell you this, which seems to be a common thought with many, that once you do adopt and have succeeded parenting, caseworkers and agencies are more likely to place with you the second time. If you want more than one child and would like a son also you might want to consider finding your son first and looking for your daughter the second time around. I am not suggesting in any way that you give up your dream to have a daughter though. Keep fighting for what you want and sooner or later it will happen for you. Again, if you post your state there might be someone who can better suggest to you a different agency or support group to assist you in this process. Hang in there!!!!!!
I wish I had encouraging words for you except to say that I can understand how you feel. We have 3 biological children and are pretty open to what we are looking for with the only requirement being that my oldest son (13) wants to remain the oldest child. My other two are pretty flexible about it. I feel we are turned down as soon as they see the number in our family. I feel it's a shame with so many children needing a family and our door and hearts are open we are not even given a chance because we already have children so instead those needing and wanting a family and home still sit and wait. It just breaks my heart. I feel helpless, hopeless and very discouraged.
I wrote an entire series about matching and getting matched with the right child. If you're interested in this topic, you may want to check it out.
Claudia
My husband and I have been married for 18 years and have 3 biological children ages 8, 14, and 17 and just adopted a 12 year old in April. We have been foster parents for four years. We were therapeutic foster parents for 3 1/5 years and recently went to DFCS and until this year we thought we would just foster. Now we feel like God is leading us to adopt more children. We are waiting on his timing and on the children he has in mind. God is such a good God.
I am the anonymous single man who wrote on June 6, and I am responding to the two people who responded to me.
The first wanted to know my state. I live in Florida, and have occasionally found an agency that seemed to be open-minded, but . . . I've been there before.
To the second, I understand what you are dealing with, as I am aware of other nice couples who have faced discrimination due to age, previous disruption, etc. I think social workers need to stop looking for the "perfect" placement and start realizing that no placement will be perfect. People are not perfect. Families are not perfect. It makes me wonder what they are taught in their college and on-the-job training.
Keep trying!
Single Man
You are so right!!!!! There are no perfect families, no perfect people. If there is such a thing as "perfection" it is in the eye of the beholder.
I, too, wonder where the caseworkers get their knowledge. I do not mean to demean or discredit younger people just getting into the field, but wonder sometimes if it is not their ages that dictate the way they think. I know in our state quite often new college graduates go to work for county social service agencies and because of the low pay, long working hours and the horrible situations they see children in they often burn out quickly and leave or use the position to further their careers. Thus I think a high turn-over rate might play into the process. Regardless of the career or field you choose, it can be an overwhelming process to find your "place". I think too that quite often workers go into the field quite enthusiastic only to realize shortly there after that our court system is not designed to protect the children or do what is in their best interest but to protect the rights of the parents. I have been in the field for years, in fact, most of my adult life working with children but in other capacities than adoption. There are times when I read or hear situations that could have been prevented simply by a strong judge who could have said "rights are terminated" that I cringe and wonder how this could happen. I can only imagine what a worker straight out of college would think when such events happen. I once, thru foster care, worked with a county caseworker ( a rather large county at that) who had been at her job for 5 years. She had made the decision to leave because she was burned out and when we discussed that she had mentioned that as far as caseworkers, she had the highest seniority in the county. Not supervisors or other types of employees, but as a caseworker. If you really think about it, 5 years isnt that long of a time in other fields. Possibly the caseworkers who do genuinely care are over protective of the kids they are placing simply because of what they have seen and witnessed. This is why I think it would be great for some caseworkers to comment on this site. We need to understand their side of it so we can all work as a team.
I dont know much about Florida but I recall that last months Caseworker of the Month is from Florida so maybe you could go back and see if she is near the area in which you reside. It might be worth a few minutes to do so. If there are no single adoptive parent support groups in your area, why dont you try starting one? Put enough pressure on some of these agencies and rather than risk being accused of discrimination, I bet you might get results
Hang in there
Sorry, another single Dad, you seem to attract us. I have adopted four boys, each single placements from foster care. The last three were as a single father. I was concerned that no worker would place with a single Dad. The intake worker for that first one expained: kids are avalible for adoption because of abuse or neglect, bad neglect. Mom was usually the last parent, and did not protect the child, result, he wants no part of a Mom, and may only make it in adoption with a single father. Her point was that there are a large number of kids avalible who should be placed with a single Dad, but very few of us avalible, and she felt I would not be turned down by being single. She was right.
Would that apply to girls? Don't know, but I suspect it would. The problem here is perception, as in, 'It just isn't done'. Well, I do know of multiple placements with single Dads with both boys and girls. Do try, if there are some no answers, keep on, somewhere there will be a yes. What about fostering girls to prove that you know how to do it?
A word on stretching your limits on what problems you can take, be careful. The Oppositional 8 year old may become a BiPolar 12 year old, been there twice. The child with Attachment Disorder may turn out to have Reactive Attachment Disorder, a very severe porblem. It is partly that younger children have not yet manifested the full blown symptoms of disorders they will have, and partly a desire to move the merchansie. A 12 year old with a diagnosis of BiPolar is far less likely to be placed that the same child with Mood Disorder, a euphamisum that includes many disorders including BiPolar, it just sounds less scary. If you hear 'Mood Disorder', or 'FASD, beware, these are broad and usless categories used to avoid the real label, FAS is very different from FAE, yet both are in FASD. If you have access to a therapist, do take the go-no go list to them for help understanding all those terms you probably havent heard before.
Yes, you need to think about your limits, many times, it is possible to include issues that you might have struck the first time around. Some problems may be really undoable for someone else, but no big deal for you.
Single Man, again, (formerly anonymous) responding to those who responded to me.
The first person made some really good points about case workers and their backgrounds, experiences, etc. I agree completely. I am not necessarily blaming case workers for the attitudes they develop, but the attitudes, nevertheless, do exist and create a problem. I, too, would like to see responses from case workers, but they may not be aware of this website. They may also be too busy (or too exhausted) to take the time to write.
I did attend a support group for a while back in 2005, which was facilitated by an adoption agency, but it dissolved after the facilitator quit her job. Besides, I'm getting more support from this blogspot than I ever did from that group. It was too "directed" when it needed to be loose and open.
The second person, john b, asked about fostering girls in an effort to prove that I know how to do it. I did look into fostering a few years ago, but was told that single men typically had only boys placed with them. Since my goal would be fostering to adopt, I chose not to go through with it. If they had told me that both boys and girls would likely be placed with me, I would have been interested. Instead, I chose to avoid a possibly prejudicial situation before it could happen. (Note: Single women foster boys all the time. Hmmmmm.)
Thanks for the eye opener about the evolution of behavior problems.
The Heart Galleries across the US provide public awareness of the need for adoptive families and more importantly help find permanent families for individual children. Families are moved by the beauty and uniqueness of each child as revealed in the portraits. As a direct result, many children have been adopted. The professional photographers present the children in a way that a description alone never could! Go to heartgalleryofamerica.org.
Single Man
Glad to hear that our comments are of assistance to you and that you feel we are supportive.
I had to chuckle at your comment about women foster and adopt boys all the time. It is not that it is funny, but in a way it is "curious". I dont know what people must be thinking. Statistics do show that most pedophiles are indeed male, but how many times have we heard on the news or read in the papers that these perverts have perpetrated on boys not just girls? I try to understand and make sense out of what the caseworkers must be thinking but cant. Are boys better equipped to deal with sexual abuse? Are boys less vulnerable to sexual abuse? Are boys expendable? Are boys less susceptable? Is it more horrendous for a girl to be sexually abused than a boy? I would think that to make the assumption that because a man is single and would like to have a daughter he is some type of pervert or offender that one would also have to assume that all single men are offenders whether they choose to parent female or male children. A married couple ( and I think usually there is a man in that group) with a husband who would like to have a daughter, does that send up red flags to a caseworker also?
I do TOTALLY understand why a caseworker would not even consider placing a female child in an all male home if the girl at some point had been sexually abused, accused a male of abuse or showed any of those signs. That would be a wise decision and for the fathers own protection. Is there some kind of unwritten law or statistic out there that is advising caseworkers that all single men that want daughters is a potential pedophile? Again, I think it is a fault in our system, quite possibly to cover the butts of the agencies, in case something would indeed happen in this situation. However, when an adult male is willing and able to provide a "daughter" a loving, stable home, why should this not be considered?
Again, if you are willing to take a male child also, I would consider looking at sib groups with both male and female children. In some cases, sibs are a little more difficult to place thus caseworkers may be a little less likely to deny one who is willing to take a sib group. Isnt it a shame that if you are single, not the "perfect" parent(s), older or if something else about you makes you not quite perfect in the eyes of the caseworker you may get a child if you are willing to take a child(ren) that would be otherwise difficult to place.
I personally have a tendency, as a female, to look for male children. I do this not because I want to sexually abuse them but because all of my bio children are male and it is what I know. In our extended family there are many more boys than girls and again, it is what I know. I, too, would very much like to experience having a daughter or two but I would bet if I set my sights on girls only that no one out there would find any underlying or wicked reasons for me wanting a daughter other than just simply wanting a daughter. And maybe caseworkers or whoever are making these decisions should consider that in the news over the past few years there has been a steep rise in the number of women who are perpping on children also. As the number increases will we see a rise in the number of women who are refused boys because of those statistics? I would suspect there are a great number of women out there who have perpped and the law just didnt know how to deal with them or it was overlooked. I guess it is much worse to try to wrap around in our minds that a woman, the "mother" would do such horrendous acts than a man, "father" would.
I hate to say it but you being a single man are in a minority thus making you lower on the list of potential parent. Unless you find an agency and worker that will back you 100% I fear that it might be a long wait for you to find the children you wish to add to your family. On the other hand, the only way you will ever get the daughter you want is for you to be strong and advocate for yourself to the max. Oddly enough, if you start whispering "discrimination" an agency is likely to drop you like a hot potato. I do not envy your position but do respect your decision not to settle for less than what you want in your children. You never know when you may find a caseworker who is not biased and willing to see you as just a parent so keep applying for children. Go to every web site and check in every state and inquire about every child or sib group that interests you. And I think there are a lot of us that are here for you if you need to vent or want advice. Just remember that there are many children out there, male and female who are in need of loving permanent homes.
I think I was looking for the perfect child when I started this process and I also believe that I have found close to perfection in all of my sons, but would like to tell you all about one of them in particular.
He is so very kind and considerate. The other day a piece of food stuck in the wrong place and I was coughing a bit and he asked if I was okay and could he get me anything. When I am doing chores he is right there asking to help and never complains if I ask him to do something. He sees his task thru from beginning to end. Ture he doesnt accomplish every task to the degree of an adult or older child but he strives to do his best with everything. Every night before he goes to bed I get a hug, a kiss and an "Love you, Mom" He is more than willing to help his brothers with whatever they need, all they have to do is ask and he is there for them. He is active, he swims once a week and he very much enjoys running and has talked about doing track someday. He is kind to the pets we have and always concerned that they have food and water down.
He loves cartoons and kids movies. He laughs until he has everyone else in the room laughing. His teachers love him and are greatful they have a child in the classroom that is so helpful and willing to learn. He takes great pleasure in learning. He loves to read and will sit and often read story after story to my 2 yr old grandson. The favorite story right now is "One Fish, Two Fish". He loves to sing and has a very good singing voice. He has an excellent memory and many times reminds Mom where she left something or what she needed to get at the store.
He came to me as a foster child and with some issues I didnt know if I could deal with or handle. It didnt take long for him to settle in and get with the program. Seldom is he irritable or seldom have I seen him critcal or negative. He appreciates everything that is done for him, even something as simple as getting a candy bar at the store. The other day I told him we were going to a pool party and he jumped up and down, clapping his hands and shouting with glee. His excitement over our outings is contagious. His joy with the simple things in life has made everyone here see just what we have been overlooking and to appreciate the little things in life. He loves to do all the things we do as a family, go camping, fishing and to the car races.
He is handsome, big blue eyes and almost black hair with a smile that lights up a room. Some of his favorite movies right now are CARS and Land Before Time. He never asks or tries to watch anything that I have deemed inappropriate. He has never been disrespectful or argued back with a decision I have made for him or a rule I have given. He simply says "yes Mom" and while sometimes he does forget the rules, what kid doesnt, he is always apologetic and says he will remember next time. He wakes up in the morning pleasant and smiling, anxious to get ready for the day ahead. He hates missing school for any reason. He hates Saturday and Sundays sometimes because there is no school. He gets great grades and achieves all the teachers put in front of him.
What more could I ask for? Is he the perfect 7 year old or what? Is he not the kind of child all of us would want in our homes?
My son isnt 7, he is 13. He is MR with Autistic tendencies. He works in school on a first grade level. He does his chores as though he is 7. He takes great joy in the things that a child of 7 would take joy in. He will always be 7, maybe 8 or 9 at some point in time.
I just wanted to let all of you know that had I not widened my scope of the type of child I wanted and believed I could parent, I would not have him in my life. If I hadnt agreed to take him for foster care I would have never met this child let alone been priviledged enough for him to chose me as his mother. I didnt think I was able to "parent" this "type" of child. Parenting him is no different than parenting a typical 7 year old, he is just in a bigger body!!
There are probably many of you out there who would love to parent a child with the qualities I have just mentioned. So, I simply ask that everyone stop and search their heart to see if there is room in it for a child like mine.
The worst thing in this situation is that NO ONE wanted him. His foster mother of many years didnt adopt him because the subsidy amount she requested couldnt be met by the county. He went to another home and the family that was going to adopt him decided he wasnt what they wanted and they werent prepared to take a child with such special needs. He, in fact, is one of those kids one might see a photo of, who doesnt appear to be anything but normal, and everyone wonders why he has been up for adoption for so long. Sadly to say, he was one of the kids that no one wants. Fortunately for me, he came into my life before someone else actually did find him.
Thank you once again for your "right on" comments. I AM inquiring about brother and sister combinations, with varying results (usually no response at all from the worker). I am also looking at every website that I can find (there are many) and keeping my hopes up despite my experience.
Thanks for bringing up the paradoxical situations regarding men and boys, women abusing children, what makes a person a perp, etc. The truth is, there are perverted people of BOTH sexes everywhere, and they are the minority, not the majority. As for the "automatic" suspicion of men, I would like to ask misguided social workers, and others who think like them, if they believe a man suddenly becomes okay the moment that he is pronounced married. Do they also believe that he becomes a pervert the moment that he divorces or his wife dies? What is it about being single that affects a person's integrity? I would like all of them to know that a man's integrity is based on his MORAL CHARACTER, not his marital status.
I'll keep plugging, as I am willing to accept "less than perfect" children. It is just so disheartening to be overlooked for superficial reasons, especially when I have so much love to give, and when I connect so easily with girls.
Single Man
Guess you have a new nickname!! LOL
I am glad to hear that you are not giving up. I know what you mean by connecting because one of the fears I have in adopting a daughter is that aspect. I have had trouble in the past connecting with girls that I have had in foster care, but I need to remind myself that every single one of the girls I have had in the past have had attachment issues. I do very well with the female children in my extended family so have to be careful not to hang on to the negative experiences of the past. I think sometimes it is past experience whether positive or negative that allow us to develop preconceived notions whether justified or not.
I get the "single Mom" hesitation a lot. It amazes me that people question whether or not I am capable of raising children based on that. I raised two sets of bio children with absentee fathers and did foster care while raising them yet caseworkers continue to question that. And, having spent most of my adult life working in some capacity with children with behavioral issues and even though it is in my study, I still am questioned as to whether I "understand" that a child has been diagnosed "whatever" and am I aware of what that entails. I truly believe full disclosure from caseworkers, even the most seemingly minor details are helpful when making a decision. The other thing I get a lot, I think because I have already adopted two children with very special needs, are caseworkers who call and ask me "would you consider" when the issues I cannot take or deal with are clearly defined in my study and on any form that I have completed. My frustration with this process doesnt last very long but I do become disheartened at times when I am feeling like caseworkers arent considering me based on my experience or willingness to take a child with more "special" issues but taking advantage of my "weaknesses" such as my age or being single. When the caseworkers attempt to make it sound like if I dont take the child no one else will it does for a short time instill a slight amount of guilt but I have always managed to keep in mind my limitations and the fact that I know what I am able to handle and what I am not.
Be sure to check out the Northwest Adoption Exchange and if you type in "photolistings of adoptable children" it will bring you to a site that lists each states individual web site ( for those states that have one). Also, I still highly recommend to everyone out there that they register with the Adopt America Network. ( Hope I dont sound like a broken record on that one. ) The people there are very helpful and they are great at getting your study out there so that many, many workers have access to it.
Chmae
Thank you, Chmae, for your comments and advice. It truly is amazing that you, with all your experience and expertise, still get hesitation from workers. It is so often difficult to deal with social workers who are supposed to be finding suitable (not perfect) homes for children, and it is especially frustrating to try to work "outside the box" created by a narrow-minded worker or organization.
As for the NWAE, I did receive a positive response once from a worker in Oregon - regarding two GIRLS - but their foster mom decided to adopt them. I have not received a positive response from the NWAE states since that time. I will register with the Adopt America Network and see what happens. Thanks for the suggestion.
There can be a big difference in the type of child you feel prepared to parent compared to the type of child who may come into your home. You may believe that the child you are adopting is okay and there are no major issues but that may not be the case. I think all prospectvie parents should be as educated as possible, particularly concerning Attachment issues.
My youngest was seemingly "normal" in his foster home. I have no doubt that he was well cared for and loved in his previous placement. The foster parents had adopted their own children so there were many children in his foster placement for him to socialize with. Foster mom had reported some unusual behaviors to the caseworker but everyone believed it to be delays based on the neglect he had suffered in the past as well as drug use by both parents. It wasnt until I brought him into my home that issues began to display. Mostly they started out with control and non-compliance issues and what one would consider usual behavior for a child so young and having just made a major move in his life.
This child is extremely attractive and has such beautiful features that he can melt the heart of anyone he comes in contact with. He seems very loving and socialable, especially when out of the home. He appears friendly and out going as he speaks with everyone and seems very compliant and helpful. It is not obvious to strangers or family who do not interact with him on a daily basis that there are some serious issues with him.
It turns out that just short of a year of him coming into our home that we have indeed established that he is Attachment Disorder. All of the traits that made him so cute and endearing to everyone are really symptoms of this condition. His charming ways are a form of manipulation when he doesnt get his way. He can be very sneaky and will "take" things that dont belong to him and feels no remorse for doing so. A reward system for good behaviors or imposing consequences are futile, although if he really has his mind set on something in particular he can and will act appropriatley UNTIL he gets what he wants. It appears on the surface that all this child wants is attention, all of it to be exact, as he seems fine when there are no other children present, but when his older brothers come home from school or on week ends, he finds ways to bring the focus back on him and only him, usually with very poor behaviors. He can literally cause chaos in the household whenever he chooses. It is not necessarily that he genuinely wants the attention for himself, he would prefer to be left alone and to himself. He simply cannot handle seeing any of the other children receiving any type of attention. He is in his glory when one of the other children is in "trouble" and require a consequence for their actions. When his brothers are in school and he and I are here alone in the house, he wants nothing to do with me. He doesnt want to play, assist with chores, take walks or participate in any kind of activity with me. As long as I give him his space and do not push the issues he is even keeled and well behaved. (Again, until something doesnt go his way). He will over eat to the point of vomiting and then scream because he wants more food. He will take food out of others hands or off their plates when his plate is still full. And it never fails that the minute you answer the phone or are distracted and not directly supervising him, he will take every opportunity to steal food, a toy or engage in another behavior that is totally inappropriate.
I am in the process of finding the proper therapist for him so that we can begin working on these issues. I havent given up on him nor will I. I write this only because he is not what I was expecting nor the type of child I was prepared to parent. In fact, I knew from past experience that I did not want to deal with a child with attachment issues thus have that diagnosis listed as one I will not consider. I do not hold anyone responsible, nor do I feel that any information was withheld from me concerning this child. I think that his previous living arrangements simply masked what was really going on with him. In a large group of children there was less risk of him feeling he needed to bond but upon entering my home and it being just him and I while the others in school, this all changed. Too, I think that with age we see more behaviors surface that may have seemed relatively normal some time ago but as he got older, it became apparent that it was far from normal behavior for a child his age.
Younger children may well have issues that no one has discovered during foster care or early placement. For those of you who think that all these children need are love and hugs, that is not always the case. At this point in time, my son doesnt know what love is, he is unable to accept love and hugs, he will do whatever he needs to do to reject that type of attention. I can give him as much love and as many hugs as I want, but it is not going to "cure" him. In fact, he may never be cured. He may improve but he may never be completely well and normal.
I would just like to suggest to everyone out there that before they adopt any child they research and become familiar with attachment issues. With older children it would seem that the symptoms would have surfaced and hopefully, treatment started. With very young children they may be in your home for a very long time before the symptoms become apparent and treatment is sought. It takes much patience, consistentcy and therapy for children with attachment issues to become whole again. It is something that all of us need to be wary of and prepared for. It cannot even be guaranteed that newborns are not effected as recent studies show that many times attachment begins in utero, thus even from the birth mothers hands to yours does not come with a promise that the child will not have these issues.
So now, after this child has been in my home for quite some months, I am just in the process of preparing to parent this particular child. And, it is not just dealing with the child that I need to prepare for. One needs to prepare for all of the comments, the looks, the "questioning of your parenting skills" by others. Speak with any parent(s) of an attachment child and you will begin to understand this. All parents need to be able to be flexible and switch gears when parenting an adoptive child if and when it becomes an issue. All adoptive parents also need to be aware of what they MAY need to face in the future. I am fortunate in that studies do indicate that the younger the child that the better the prognosis however, that is a general rule of thumb and not set in stone.
I've been reading "Adopting the Hurt Child," which is helping me to better understand some of the issues that these children may face and how the issue may manifest. By doing research, I'm able to read between the lines in terms of what SW's write in the blurbs we read.
To the person that posted about the "difference in a child".It's amazing you hust discribed to the letter my son that I adopted 8 years ago.
Your post is very important because so many adoptive parents choose a child for the looks,but sometimes looks can be decieving.
Athough I love my little handsome polite 10 year old,those on the outside looking in would never know that my son can also be a very disruptive child.
Single Dad & Chmae (and other single parents out there),
I wanted to let you know there are workers hoping to find single parents! Often times, I'm hoping to find a single mom or dad to pursue placement for my kids as they've had negative experiences with one sex or just bond better with a certain gender. I would be open to placing a girl with a single dad, as long as it was something the child felt comfortable with - as a Wendy's Wonderful Kids recruiter, I provide child-focused recruitment to older/special needs/sibling groups, etc. My job is to give a voice to the child and really listen to what THEY want, not some caseworker.
Single Dad-
Most of the girls I work with have experienced trauma and would not be open to placement with a male, but that doesn't mean it can't happen - don't give up!! Also, try contacting the Wendy's Wonderful Kids recruiter from your state to see if they might be willing to work with you. I can put you in contact with different workers and see if anyone has a girl who wants a dad.
Chmae-
I understand your frustration at being offered children who don't fit your homestudy - but wanted to give you a workers perspective. First off, NO ONE should ever try and guilt you into taking a child or tell you "if you don't take them, no one will."
I have received many homestudies or phone calls from families who have certain diagnoses listed in their assessment but are inquiring about kids who have things specifically listed as "no's" (a family who said "no autism" ended up very happy with an autistic child). Situations change and often times families have changed their minds after the homestudy was finished.
Also, if I know a wonderful, experienced adoptive family who has taken in special needs children in the past, it's in my children's best interest to at least give them a call and present a child to them - not only because they could be a potential placement, but because experienced adoptive families have wonderful networks and can help me spread the word about a child (because of networking, two of my children have loving, permanent homes!).
I would hate to think that any of my families feel pressured, and hope that instead they know that I feel they are such phenomenal parents, I have to at least approach them to give my kids every possible opportunity to find a loving family.
Single Man Chmae here!
Since reading your comments and those of John B concerning the placement of children, particularly girls with single men, I have begun paying closer attention to the Preferences listed on the profiles for the children on AdoptUsKids. While I do believe that I see No Preference, Couple and/or Single Female quite often, I have also seen Couple, Single Female and Single Male. This is coming up on quite a few sib groups including female children. I guess I am wondering if the workers who post these preferences are paying lip service due to regs or if they genuinely would accept a single male for consideration? (I am assuming that the profile section is being read by all) Again, I am attempting to make myself more aware of what it truly going on in the system so if anyone can address this issue I would appreciate it. I like to think that the more attention is drawn to an issue that the more likely it is to be addressed by someone out there!!! Is it possible that there are some states that are more "liberal" in their views? I just think it is such a shame that there are many single men, as well as women, out there who could and are willing to provide a stable, loving home to children of all ages, genders and with issues and they are being overlooked for reasons of personal biases. Sometimes I wonder if a better way to review home studies wouldnt be to present them in a form where the sex of the parent(s) is unknown. Of course it would be impossible to not disclose whether single or a couple, but if workers reviewed the information and had to decide based on experience, child preferences, etc and didnt see the "single male" or the race, sexual preferences, etc of the family interested, it might help to eliminate some of the personal biases that are deeply embedded in the system itself. Of course, that will never happen but just food for thought.
Chmae
Maesie
Great to hear from you and thanks for the information. I wasnt aware of the Wendys Wonderful Kids doing active recruitment of families. It is good to know and I hope that this will assit many families out there who are looking.
I do understand why a caseworker might attempt every possible resource and that is something that I dont mind, in fact, I have felt rather honored at times that someone would contact me based on my parenting skills vs my age or being single. My issues lay with the few caseworkers that I have had contact with that indeed do make you feel like are the last resort for a child. Fortunately, while I do have a fleeting of guilt for a few minutes, I always come back to knowing my limitations as a parent and what is best for my family. I dont let it get me down.
You are right concerning the networking that goes on out there. Recently I got word on a very large sib group that was close to being split up so I put the word out to others that I know and hopefully a family for them has been found. It is amazing how you can receive info on a child and think " oh that is the type of child that X does so well with" and the word gets passed on.
I would be more than glad to speak with you or anyone from the Wendys program for more info and a possible match. It is great to know that there are people out there advocating for the kids and what they want. Thanks for the work you do.
Hear that Single Man? Go for it!!!
Chmae
to single man: i am a single woman seeking to adopt an older child, so i can understand some of the challenges you've described. I did want to let you know that when you don't hear back from the caseworkers at all, it may not necessarily be because you are a single dad seeking a daughter. i have a great caseworker from my ohio county who helps me contact caseworkers for the children i am interested in, but often (like 80-90% of the time) he doesn't hear anything back from them either. some i have decided to "pester" and have called over & over until i actually speak to them in person. sometimes they give me details on why they didn't think it was a good match, which is helpful, but other times they tell me that they have had a huge response & hadn't had time to tell me i'm on the list to be presented at the match meeting, or that they found a relative & had too many interested families to tell all of us. if you get a good one on the phone, often they have other children they can talk with you about, or at least keep you in mind for other kids later.
i also drive to different parts of my state to adoption "parties" where i can meet kids who are available & it's a more relaxed atmosphere. if you can do that, maybe you can form a bit of a bond with a girl that could then be a springboard to future consideration. i'd suggest contacting the larger counties in your area & asking them about that type of gathering.
hope that helps. hang in there :)
lisa
Dont ever give up! These kids need us, social worker on the most part are to stress and over worked to care, but If God has intended for you to be a parent, it will happen no matter what. This comes from a mom of 6 and bio or adopted is irrelevant. They are all my kids and all a blessing!
Love to all who have a heart for success in adoption.
I was wondering if I could get some feedback on adopting an older child. We have 3 bio children already, but would LOVE a large family, so we are trying to adopt. Our children now are 6, 2 1/2 and 4 months.
-I am worried about adopting an older girl, for fear that since she may not have had any strong father influence, she'll get confused feelings between a new father and a new crush. The last thing a girl needs is to get her heart broken. Is this a valid worry?
-I worry about adopting an older boy just for obvious reasons... rebellious etc.
-We are scared to death of our younger children getting badly affected by an older child, but we feel that we could do so much good perhaps durring that critical time in their life when they need strong role models the most.
also, is there a way to search for children that have the same interests as you? like a keyword? for instance, my husband is active duty USAF, and any time I read of a young boy interested in military service, I think that he would absolutely love our life, and we could really help him achieve his goals.
Thanks.
Reply to the woman interested in adding to her family...
There are so many questions that come up when discussing adoption and what type of child you think will best fit your family. The best thing to do is take time to discuss it with your partner and your adoption worker - they should be assisting you throughout the process to figure out what matches might be appropriate.
As far as I know, you cannot search by a child's interest on any of the websites I regularly frequent (state exchanges, AdoptUSKIds, and Adopt America Network).
Regarding adopting an older girl who hasn't had a father figure in her life, and worrying about her having 'crush' like feelings for your husband: First off, most children in foster care can identify at least one adult member of each sex as a role model, whether it be an biological relative, teacher, foster parent (or their relatives), family friend, or caseworker. I really wouldn't be too worried about a child getting a crush and having their heart broken. There will be a lot of confusing feelings when a child moves to an adoptive home, but you and your husband will be there to support the child throughout all their struggles and help provide guidance.
Regarding your worries about adopting an older boy and having them be rebellious, once again, there are a lot of adjustments to make when a child moves into their new adoptive home, and often there will be some acting out (the method of acting out varies based on the child).
When searching for your child, your caseworker, as well as the child's caseworker, are going to provide you with a wealth of information - usually before you even meet the child. This will give you the opportunity to learn as much as possible regarding past and current behaviors, how the child has adjusted to moves before, and their feelings about adoption.
Since you have young children in the home, caseworkers are going to be careful about the kind of kids they place with you. If there are any instances of acting out with younger kids, your family will not be chosen. In Michigan, the profile states whether the child will need to be the youngest or only child in the home, so that's a good guideline to go by.
Adding another child to your family is always going to affect the other children in the home, but hopefully with the support of your caseworker and a lot of preparation, it will be a positive experience for your entire family.
Good luck!
To the family considering older children:
I think Maesie has given you some really good advice and insight.
I would like to say that while I do not know what you mean by older, as far as age range, it at times can be an advantage. With an older child who has been in the system for some time, I think it is a little easier to evaluate what they are like and what they want. Also, an older child is encouraged to speak with their caseworker and people on their team concerning what they would like to have in an adoptive family. If an older child is determined they want a home with no younger children in it, I am sure that would play a huge role in matching them to a family. There may be older girls who have had bad past experiences with men and would prefer a single mom home. There are boys out there who may not have respect for any of the women in their lives thus would do better with a single man. The point being that there are many variables involved.
I also think with an older child who has been in the system for some time (unfortunately becuase they are older and for some reason less sought after) the workers involved with the child may well have a better history of behaviors, etc than they would with a child who is very young or not been in the system as long.
And while I dont mean to offend, it sounds as if you may be stereotyping a bit. Having done foster care for many years in the past and because I was deemed "great" with teen agers, I have had many coming thru my home. I have found girls to be every bit as rebellious, if not more, than boys. Quite honestly, I know of very few teen agers, whether in this system or not that do not go thru somewhat of a rebellious stage. I have found boys who have been wonderful with younger children and girls who have not, and vice versa. I have had girls who were very athletic and participated in every sport possible and boys who were in to chess and cooking.
You should look at every child, male or female, as an individual. (Unfortunately, the short narratives will not give you all the info you need, but as Maesie has stated, before you would make any decision, you would have a wealth of information given to you concerning the child. ) Try not to look at the child as male or female but as a person and compare their interests to those of your family. I have read narratives of girls who have indicated that they are thinking of a career in the military.
The transition into a permanent home is rarely smooth and almost always comes with at least a few bumps in the road. I have let all of my kids know, regardless of their ages, that I am a little fearful too because while they are in a position where they need to get to know everyone and learn to live in a strangers house, I too am in a position of needing to get to know them too.I let them know that I am bound to make mistakes and am willing to correct those mistakes. I let them know that I am open to any questions or concerns they may have and I in turn will ask them questions in order to get to know them better. Another advantage is that older children either do or dont want to be adopted; some possibly are walking the line on adoption. Younger children sometimes, due to age and maturity levels are not able to express everthing they are or are not feeling towards the whole process. Being able to openly and honestly discuss the issues sometimes plays a major role in an easier transition.
There are many, many older children who so much want to be a part of a permanent family and not age out of the system. Older children can sometimes be more greatful at being adopted because the way our system is set up they grow up in a system where they learn quickly that they are not the most desirable age group. They are the kids who wait the longest at times and end up feeling hopeless that they will ever find a family.
Another advantage, at least I think it is, with older children there has been time for evals, etc to determine if there are mental health issues, developmental issues, etc. This is not something you may learn about with younger children until they are in your home for years. I sometimes think of older children as being "what you see is what you get", not to say they wont further mature and blossom with the love and stability of a forever family, but that they are kind of "molded" to a higher degree.
It is difficult to believe that a good, decent caseworker would want to place a child in your home that doesnt fit your preferences or fit in with your family just to get them placed. There are so very many older children out there to choose from that you might find your wait is less and you have a better and easier time finding your match because they are in the older age group. If you have the room and the time to devote, you may want to consider an older sib group consisting of a brother and sister. Maybe being older and having a sibling bond would make the transition easier for the children as well as a feeling of security for them. And, you would be a part of seeing that a family is being kept together as well as making a new family for them.
Read any profiles you receive carefully, exhaust all questions you have before making a decision but be open to further looking into any possibilties. It may end up that you find a daughter who is close to her father because she wants to make the military her career and a son who is a great big brother to your younger children. Who knows?
To Maesie,
As far as I know, we don't have Wendy's Wonderful Kids in Florida. I sure wish I had someone like you in my corner.
To Lisa,
Thanks for the insight and reminder about how busy workers are. It's been almost 5 years since the last adoption party in my area. Perhaps I should make some phone calls.
To Chmae,
Since AdoptUsKids uses only Male, Female, or Either as categories, I've been putting in Female. It would be nice if they would have a Sibling Groups category. I've never seen Single Male as the desired possible parent for any of the girls or sibling groups that come up through that category. Please let me know through this website when you find one. Thanks.
To all who have commented on this subject,
Good news - maybe. (A recent development, anyway.)
I recently attended a match meeting for a brother/sister duo. They will be looking at my scrapbook/photo album soon and deciding whether or not to meet me. We have no idea at this point if the girl will be interested, but at least the worker is willing to find out. I'll keep you posted.
Wendy's Wonderful KIds
Single Man,
There are 7 WWK recruiters in Florida! I've met a few of them at the conference but couldn't remember their names, so looked on the Dave Thomas Website to get specific information.
Single Man
When you are looking at a child on this site you will see tabs, one for the Narrative and one for the Profile. If you click on the Profile tab and scroll down you will see Family Profile to match this child and Parent type. It is there that you will see the preferences of the caseworkers. It may be couple or single female or single male, sometimes it is just the generic No preference. Or you may see a combination of preferences. I think it might give you an idea of what the caseworker is looking for when it comes to that child or sib group.
I hope things work for you with this sib group but if not there will be others. I would be more than glad to give you info about the kids that I see that the worker has specified single male but dont think I can do this on the blog. I know you cannot use specific web addresses and cannot disclose email addresses etc on AdoptUsKids blog site so dont know that it would be acceptable for me to mention specific kids or case numbers. If you would like to email Kate and let her know she has consent to give me your email address I would be glad to send you any info I find when the worker has single male as a preference.
I also had a difficult time navigating the Wendys Wonderful Kids site to be able to find out who the recruiters are here in PA. Maybe I am not looking in the right place? I would appreciate any info anyone could give as to how to find recruiters from specific states.
Chmae
Wendy's Wonderful Kids
I posted my previous comment unaware that you can't have links! To locate a WWK recruiter in your area, go to DaveThomasFoundation(dot)org, then click on the tab 'our work' on the right hand side, there will be a link for WWK programs listed by state/province.
single man:
you can search for female and the range of # of sibs you can consider and you will get all female sibs.
you can search on either and # of sibs and scroll down the list to click on the sib group with at least one female.
Helen
adoptuskids
Chmae,
I'd be glad to send you my email address via Kate, but I don't see Kate's email address anywhere.
Kate,
How do I do this?
any ideas or concerns or thoughts about adopting a teenage girl that has a child of her own already?
You can reach me anytime at kkirkpatrick@adoptuskids.org.
I encourage you not to take your conversation off the blog, however....so many families are beinging encouraged by your ideas!
Kate
Adopting/teen with own child
How great!!!! First of all, you would be assisting the girl in becoming a wonderful, nurturing parent so that her own child will never end up in the system. Second, not only would you be gaining a daughter, you would be gaining a grandchild!!! I think my biggest concern would be the age of the teen girl. If she is 17 and taking into account the seriousness of her issues, I would wonder if you would be able to teach the parenting skills needed for her to raise her own child by the time she is 18 and can legally leave your home or the system. Personally it would be emotionally devastating for me if something like that happened. That would be my main concern. If she is a bit younger and you are willing and able to raise a teen then it would seem to me that you could do not only the teen but the baby a great service by offering her and the baby a stable family as well as future support. Being a single parent isnt always easy and it is especially difficult when you are young and immature not to mention working minimum wage jobs. Think about the advantages the girl and the child may have by joining your family. If she would stay in the system, she would eventually age out and would probably be lacking in support for her and the child. As your daughter she would have the opportunity to really find out what family truly is, she could further her education after high school with the support of you and your family and eventually make a wonderful life for her own child. And, if you can help her build her self esteem and self worth, it will be easier for her to wait for her next relationship with a man and have a healthy relationships in the future. And she may end up being a great mom herself and when the time is right for her again, give you even more grandchildren who also grow up in a loving stable home.
I would do as you normally would before making the decision to adopt and that is learning all you can about the child and thinking it over carefully. I think one question I would ask myself would be is this was a child I would take into my family IF she did not already have a child of her own. Personally I think it would be a wonderful opportunity for all concerned if you feel confident that you will be able to parent this young lady. Except for what I had mentioned before, if you are prepared to take a teen, I cannot personally see a down side to this.
Chmae
Kate
I see your point and understand what you are saying. Just rest assured that if I communicate off the blog with anyone, I will encourage them to continue to comment on the blog because regardless of any private conversations, everyone who comments here has valuable information to share. Every single one of us who are in this process have had many similar experiences as well as some specific to our cases. The comments here educate and support even those who seem very knowledgeable and seasoned. The learning process continues every time I read the comments posted here.
I also am aware that networking is a way to accomplish much, whether finding children or working together to change the system and there are certain things that cannot be addressed or mentioned on this site. I fully understand and respect that too. Thus there seems to be a need also for some private conversations depending on the particular situation.
So everyone out there, promise that no matter what other support you find out there that you continue to comment on this site. I know it would keep Kate and others busy but I would love to see even more people commenting regularly. Tell your friends and family, spread the word in support groups, do whatever you can to increase the number of people coming to this site. There may not be many caseworkers who are able or willing to comment on this site but I bet a lot of them are reading it, thus we are getting the word out even if we arent getting responses in return. It is like sending out your study. Just because there is no response to it doesnt mean it is not being read and/or passed from worker to worker. Also, while Char has done so much more work than I, between her and I many requests to read the comments on this site have gone out to politicians as well as celebrities in order to draw attention to the faults in the system. A way to change the system is to increase public awareness. So, everything we write here or comment on is being seen by someone, maybe someone with enough power and concern to initiate changes.
Chmae
Hi Chmae:
I've sent letters to the following celebrities: Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman, Bill Cosby, Madonna, Rosie O'Donnell, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, and Oprah. With the exception of Oprah (hers was sent to Harpo Studio), I sent letters to all their agencies. I've also sent letters/email to the following politicians: Barack and Michelle Obama as well as all the state reps in PA. FYI - John McCain and his family adopted a girl from India(?). She's grown now and I've seen her campaigning with the family. I'm currently working on emailing the PA state senators, which is a much shorter list of names - 2 pgs, so it shouldn't take as much time as the other one. Although I have only heard from Cruise's people who sent email stating that he was too busy to lend his celebrity to this cause at this time, I expect that the others will respond when their respective summer vacations have ended.
In three weeks, I will have gone one full year w/o a placement, which is a disgrace in light of the fact that so many children are waiting. I have made inquiries about at least 12 sibling grps of two across the country in just the past six months. I started printing out the info on each sibling grp I inquire about to keep track. Also, the majority of sources I've read so far state that foster care was NOT supposed to be long term. It's supposed to be temporary, but it has morphed into a permanent monsterous situation for children, especially the young ones. Why? Because, based on the research I've done, the younger a child enters the system, the longer s/he stays. The average length is 8 yrs. Can you imagine, say, an infant coming into the system and being held for a variety of reasons until s/he is about 8? And we wonder why these foster children have deep psychological scars by the time they are freed for adoption. They have endured familial abuse and/or neglect and the system inflicts more abuse and neglect by holding them perpetually hostage for close to eight yrs. Those of us who want to give these kids permanent adoptive homes have a Quixotic battle ahead of us. We have to keep believing in what often seems to be an impossible dream. I have developed a total distaste for foster care because, even though Governor Rendell passed a Foster Parents Bill of Rights in 2006, foster parents in PA and elsewhere still have "no rights anyone is deemed to respect." Additionally, too many people try to talk us into fostering when we only want to adopt. The reason is that the SW's want to keep a cache of foster parents in case they have emergency situations where children need to be placed. If the children are adopted, the SW's loose potential foster families. Unfortunately, the overall negative treatment of foster parents has caused about a 10% drop in the number of people willing to foster. This is the decrease in the past 10 yrs. I wouldn't be surprised if the number has fallen even more because those of us who have had bad experiences are passing this info on via word of mouth which is a powerful tool. I also feel, that once we're drawn into the foster care system as potential foster parents, the agencies say to us, "You're good enough to foster, but not to adopt" when they deny us the opportunity to adopt the children we have had in our homes for months, if not yrs. For example, I served jury duty last month and I spoke with a fellow juror who had fostered a 2 yr old boy in her home for 7 yrs. The father, who was in and out of prison and who had never visited the boy for those 7 yrs, refused to sign for the boy to be adopted and the boy was eventually removed from the only real home he had ever known and returned to his father who was a stranger to him. The woman and her family as well as the boy were devastated. I asked the woman whether she and her family kept in touch with the boy and she stated that the boy called them several times, but that his father forbade contact. She also said that the boy would now be about 40 yrs old and that she has searched the internet but hasn't found anything about him. The woman said that she didn't want to check the death records because she and her family didn't want to know if the boy/man was dead. I think the veil of secrecy has to be removed and that we have to be honest in this society about fostering and/or adopting so that future contact is possible. Sadly, when I talk to family and friends, most of them cringe at the thought of fostering because they have either experienced something negative themselves or heard similar horror stories from others. Char
To the person who asked about adopting a teenage girl who has a child of her own:
Sounds like a great idea to me. Not only would I be an instant dad, I'd also be an instant grandpa.
The advice that I give you is to be aware that you will not only be dealing with the typical behavior of a teenage girl, you will also be dealing with the behavior of her child - which is HER responsibility, NOT YOURS! Make sure that you know how she is going to deal with situations concerning her child. Give her a whole bunch of situations and have her tell you what she will do. Decide ahead of time how much you are willing to help.
Adopting a young mom can be a richly rewarding experience - or it can be your worst nightmare. Just make sure you are prepared.
There's a fantastic song that ought to be the anthem of all waiting children. It is called "My Forever Family." I found it kind of by accident. Since I have family in the northern Sacramento Valley of California, I looked at the Heart Gallery of Sacramento. I listened to the song over and over again while looking at the faces of children who need homes, each time getting more touched and teary. However, I also got more angry because I know of so many children who are waiting for YEARS, possibly because workers are overloaded, but possibly also because they sometimes fall into the trap of trying to be "too perfect" in matching children to parents. Meanwhile, there are so many of us who desperately want to adopt these children, but we, too, wait for years. Anyway, if you can stand to listen to such a touching song while looking at the faces of children who deserve to be loved, go to www.sacheartgallery.org/the_children.htm
Well, things are going a little further with the teenage girl with the child of her own... From what I understand, we will be going to a selection committee next week. I DO have my reservations. But I am not too worried. We have made a huge list of questions and sent them off to the caseworker and eagerly await the reply.
I loved the reply that said,"personally I see no downside to this." I really hope that is true. We feel that we can give her a great combination of support, encouragement, and guidance. To make things better, we have been looking to adopt a girl around her daughter's age, so that OUR bio daughter would have a playmate. We need to prepare ourselves from day one, though... to say good bye to the daughter because she is NOT ours, and will leave us one day with her mother.
My husband is more than happy and gets a kick out of the idea that he will possibly be a "Grandpa". LOL.
One of my big concerns is that we found out that her IQ is a lot lower than what they hint at. We have gotten conflicting stories. She has been referred as "intelligient" and "frequently on honor roll" and a "hardworker". So, we didn't worry that much. However, the social worker emailed us and told us that she had an IQ of 61 in 2nd grade (which was 8 years ago). So what are we to make of this? Is that her true IQ? The "average" person is 100. Was that due to neglect and she has just improved a lot over the years? Or is the honor roll and intelligent just a bunch of hooey, to get us to adopt her?
anybody have any feedback on this? or how about adopting someone with a really low IQ, only to find out that the person greatly improved with the right settings, home and enviroment?
Thanks for reading such a long blog!
Another place where you can listen to "My Forever Family" by Byrd and Street is at www.byrdandstreet.com. Just click on Music, then find the song under New Tracks and play the MP3. Remember to grab a bucket and a box of tissues first.
Teen with child
Obviously, the girl has been out of 2nd grade for quite some time now. Honestly, IQ can end up based on other factors, such her early education being delayed and it is possible that she has "caught" up. I have a granddaughter who is FAS with an IQ of 65, which is considered borderline, however she functions at a higher level than that. She has her quirky issues at times and there are some academics that she is less able to grasp but she does well and while she may never become a physician or attorney I do see great possibilities for her future. My youngest son is Bi-Polar and many times over the years when he was "tested" if he happened to be cycling in a down time his IQ would vary yet he is extremely intelligent, it is just that during testing time he was not up to grade.
It is not necessarily that anyone is trying to mislead you concerning her abilities. Many learning support and emotional support classrooms allow a child to do their work with a little assistance from teachers or in a longer period of time. If their grades meet the requirements for honor role, they are placed on the honor role and deserve that recognition. The fact that she is a hard worker says that she tries to do her best which I see as the most important thing. Most colleges now make accomodations for young people who do in fact have some kind of learning disabilities. Thus, it may be any, all or a combination of factors that caused her IQ score in the past. You certainly should have some kind of access to her educational records, probably once you are selected, and will be able to further assess the problems, if there are any. Being selected in no way dictates that you are required to take this child into your home and if selected and further information makes you question your decision you are able to decline.
I know how you feel about the girls child someday leaving you, but that comes with being a grandparent. Twice now I have been in a situation with grandchildren, having them in my home for extended periods only to have them move. Yes, it was difficult and still is at times but what I want more than anything for the grandchildren is for them to have both a mother and father who are able to raise them and be there for them. I think if you chose to adopt this young lady and you go into this with the mindset that she IS the parent and your job is to be a parent to her, a grandparent to the child and to assist her in being the best parent she can be, you will find the transistion at a later date a little easier to swallow. And, when she becomes a part of your family, she will remain a part and will most likely always look to Grandma and Grandpa as support for her child.
I hope no one worries about long comments on this site. The more info one gives the easier it is to respond to your situation and questions. If long comments are indeed a problem someone should tell me as I have a tendency, I know, to sometimes go on and on!!! LOL
Good luck and keep us posted.
Chmae
Chmae, your insights and experiences are of tremendous value. Make them as long as you like.
Hi All
I dont know what category to put this comment in but will try here. I had an amusing experience the other day and thought it would be fun to share it. On the other side of it, it may be something that all of us who have children have experienced and wish we knew for sure how to handle.
I took my children and a couple of neighborhood children to a local amusement park the other day. Whenever we go to a public setting I always experience "looks" as two of my sons have obvious issues. On the other hand, the youngest of my children and my grandson are real cuties and they get the "oh arent they cute!!! How old are they? etc." Seldom does anyone speak to the older two who act a little quirky. Of course, when this happens and they are ignored I purposely say something like "these are my sons also and they are the greatest kids" etc. I smile when I say it and for the most part, the people who have been ignoring them get this look of "what" on their faces. Anyway, it happens to be that my 5 year old son, while is definitely adorable, has the worst behavior issues as well as my 2 year old grandson going thru the "terrible twos".
I also get some "nasty" looks for the way I "treat" my children. People dont realize that I am not being "nasty", I am just relating to them in the only way they are able to understand the directions and redirection I am giving. The oldest, age 13, is fairly low functioning and a wanderer so it is necessary to keep him constantly at my side, sometimes to the point of holding on to him. The 11 yr old is Aspergers and it is necessary to make eye contact and be very direct and to the point with him, stern is the only tone of voice that gets his attention! The 5 year old has some very repetitive behaviors thus once a question he has asked is answered twice, I ignore it further until he stops repeating it. So here I am holding the hand of a two year old on one side, holding the arm of a 13 year old on the other, lifting the chin of the 11 year old to make eye contact and seeming ignoring this adorable 5 year old. I have to admit it probably does present quite a site!
So here we are at the end of the day and I am kind of going over the day saying to myself that it went really well, I only had to give a time out twice to one of the kids, look for the other once, etc etc. That is when the 5 year old decided, as he usually does at some point on an outing, to have a mini-meltdown. He wanted to go on a ride that he was not tall enough to ride. I had explained that several times to him and warned him that it was just the way it is and that if he continued to act out, he would not ride any more rides for the next half hour that we were planning to remain, that he would be done for the day. So there he stands, stomping his feet, demanding to ride, telling me I am mean and then eventually hitting me on the leg and kicking at me. I give the final "that is it, you are done riding" then the tears and the "baby" stuff proceeds. Maybe it looks worse to others than the way I see it as I am so used to it that it is easier for me to ignore. I dont know. So we continue on to the other kiddie rides and I sit the 5 year old down near the ride so that my grandson can finish his day.
This is where the real fun begins!!
The older kids were off with my adult son getting in all the rides they could before the park closed ( my 5 year old has issues but is smart enough to figure out when he is playing me thin!!). I get my grandson on the ride and I am hearing very loudly and repetitively, "I want to ride, I want to ride" tears pouring down his adorable face with his huge blue eyes looking like he has lost his best friend. I turn around and give him "the look" ( I know any parent has his/her own personalized "look") and notice there are a dozen people looking at me like I am some kind of monster. And, I am sure that my son also picks up on this!! LOL Soon the ride attendant is saying to me, in front of my son, of course, "he can get on, there is room" and I have to say "no, that is fine". I have another adult saying he looks so unhappy and would it hurt to let him ride? I have another saying that he is big enough to ride this ride and it goes on and on. Naturally, the more people confronting me, the louder his crying becomes and the more tears that fall. I finally bend over and tell him if he doesnt quit RIGHT NOW that I will take him to the car and that when we stop for ice cream on the way home he will not get a cone. Miraculously, the tears start and the long face is all that remains. Of course, while all that is going on I am missing seeing my grandson ride his ride! Somehow I think that was in my sons plan too!!!
It was just about that time that a lady walked over to me and touched me on the shoulder. She was with about 6 children herself, mixed races and ages, and she smiled and said "They just dont understand unless they have been there!". I am sure that she was either a foster or adoptive Mom even though that was not part of our discussion. It was thru our short conversation of her telling me how often she elicits the same reactions from people that I know. Mind you, I wasnt upset nor was I angry at the previous interference from others, it is a way of life for me. It was just that there was an unspoken understanding between her and I. We parted ways and went to the next ride and the whole scenario began again. Needless to say, my son did not get ice cream on the way home!!! I always silently hope that he will comply so that he can participate and sometimes feel guilty when it turns out poorly for him, but I know in my heart it is the best thing I can do for him. He is more than capable of understanding and learning. It is in his best interests that he learns to behave appropriately. It is my job as Mom to help him be the best he can be and my desire to see him function normally that drives me.
I realize that bio parents face the same type of adversity when raising a child with special needs, so this is not specific to adoption or foster care, however, I do feel it is more prevelant when dealing with children who have come out of the system. It would be easy to say to people, "he's adopted" or a similar comment to take the focus off of the immediate situation, but no matter how tempted I have been to say that at times, I dont. On this particular day I was just relieved that he had a minor meltdown and didnt end up on the floor kicking and screaming as he has done in public in the past!!!! While I am thinking to myself "wow, this is good, he is making progress" others are wondering what kind of witch I am!!!
One day in a major department store I turned around and there was my 13 year old shaking hands with a gentleman he didnt know. He introduced himself and asked the mans name and told the man he would come home with him to visit. I took this as an opportunity to explain to my son that the man was a stranger and while I am sure he was a perfectly nice man, that there are bad people out there who would hurt him very badly and he had to learn to not go with strangers. This man became very angry with me and let me know in no uncertain terms that he would never harm a child then stomped off. My son asked me later why the man was "mad" so it wasnt just my imagination. I was a bit bewildered as I was simply using this as a learning tool for my son. Or when, and I am sure only part of the conversation was heard by the onlooker, my 11 yr old had a melt down in the toy department because I wouldnt allow him to purchase a particular item with his allowance. He was loud and saying "but it's my money" over and over and all but hysterical. The part that the onlooker didnt know was that before we went to the store we had discussed what he was going to purchase. My son has this habit of wanting and "hogging" particular toys not belonging to him, but others, but as much as he seems to love these toys, he would rather spend his allowance on other things that he WILL NOT share, and continue to play with the others toys. He was told at home that he would purchase those items so they were his or he would no longer be allowed to play with them as they werent his. We agreed on this before we left the house and discussed it on the way to the store. So, loud enough for me and the boys to hear, I have this woman saying to her shopping companions, "That's a shame, it is his money he should be able to spend it the way he wants." And, while I could give dozens of examples, I am sure all of you get the point.
So for all of you out there who have special needs children, or who dont, I would ask that you spread the word that unless you see actual abuse being done, please dont interfere. Try to understand that when you see my 5 year old in the store yelling "OW - OW you are hurting me" it is simply because I took his hand or arm because he will not stay with me. Yes, I understand why one would want to make sure a child isnt being hurt, but when you see it is a case of a parent who is simply discipling the child in a harmless way, please dont interfere. It isnt hurting but he thinks with enough crying and complaining that I will let go so he can go visit the toy department. When for the 50th time he is standing in the middle of the aisle even though people are looking at him saying "excuse me" and I take his hand to move him, it is not "its okay honey" from the person who is trying to move past him. It may be okay when this happens ocassionaly, but when you have a child who does it repeatedly and on purpose, it is not okay. Then of course, when I move him we are back to the " You're hurting me!!" LOL I believe for the most part that the interference stems from people who are caring and concerned, not being nosey or intentionally undermining. Speak with those you know about this very subject and allow them to see the other side of it. It is not helpful when you undermine what a parent is attempting to get across to the child, it in fact, is contrary to what is going on. Also, if the whole situation was known, it might be something that one might actually agree with the way it is being handled. And, like the lady at the amusement park, a wink, a knowing look or a tap on the shoulder is always appreciated.
And, for those of you who have not yet adopted or not yet dealt with children with special needs, develop your patience, not so much with your children, but the general public! Realize that this type of thing is coming and is common. It would be easy for me to just leave the 5 yr old with a sitter when we go to the store or a function, but that is not teaching him anything except to act out more. It at times would be easier for me as well as the other children, but it is not the answer. Certainly, there are times when leaving him home would result in a more peaceful day for all of us, but he is part of the family and the only way he will ever learn to function as such is to continue to allow him to learn with the family.
The zoo is next on the list of activities so I am looking forward to observing whether or not my kids have made even further progress on their socialization skills. Each outing seems to bring new and "exciting" challenges!!!
Chmae
how about any disagreements you have had with your spouse/ partner in who to adopt?
My husband and I are open to a WIDE variety of kids. We are the ones to are awaiting a call for the teenager with her own child. Well, 2 twin boys are looking like a possibility now too. However, our social worker says that if we get the teenage girl, we shouldn't get any more for years. That's not what we want.
My husband is constantly thinking of how much good we could do for the teenager and her daughter. And while I don't disagree AT ALL... I don't feel as confident in my parenting abilities as I would handling the boys. They aren't even teenagers yet...
so we are at a standstill. My husband wants the teenage girl, and I think I would rather have the boys. I do feel guilty about this, and it's not a HUGE disagreement with us, but it could become one if we get a call for both. Like I said, I feel guilty, but am I just normal? I want to help kids, share all that we have, feel the reward in my heart...I guess I would just rather do that with an easier case. (but you know...they have been abused quite a bit...so who knows if they'll be any easier at all, right?)
Twins or Teen Mom.
My husband and I have been foster/adoptive parents for 20+ years. It is important to know that parenting is a team event and you both need to be supportive of one another or any placement will be difficult.
We have been confronted with having to choose on several occasions, it is very difficult because our hearts typically want to help everyone.
Through the years we have come up with a few tips that help us select a child we think will be successful in our home.
1. Request a few meetings with the children being considered. Go out for ice cream, Mcdonalds, nothing fancy just get chance to see if there is a flicker of chemistry. This has often settled the dispute between my husband and I. If this doesn't work we proceed to step two.
2. This will seem cold and uncaring but it works for us because it forces us to talk. Sit down separately and list the characteristics you are looking for in children. Then compare the list and discuss the differences and similarities - come up with a combined list you can agree on. Now the tough part - look at the two potential placements and how do they stack up?
3. Write down pros and cons of each placement. We start separaretly and then discuss this list. Writing them down helps aid our discussion and talk about the potential and concerns of each placement.
4. Trust - if we go through the 3 steps and still are at a dispute then their is a trust factor. At times I am much more compassionate and drive about a placement than my husband - and vice versa. Once we have talked through all the issues, concern, pros, cons, etc. We will trust the compassion of the other person and move forward.
5. We NEVER - NEVER - NEVER - Play the I told you so game if a placement doesn't work out.
Hope this helps! Good luck! Helping children is hard but it has great rewards.
I'm a mother of 7 and hopefully more in the near future. We have adopted 6 children. It is unfortunate that we view adoption of children as though we're trying to select a vehicle. Upon searching for a vehicle (rather new or used) we research, pick a color, certain make and model, then take it for a test drive. If we don't like it - we keep shopping for just the right one. Kids aren't like that. When God calls one to adopt - it's not about who has what. It's about obedience. Sure, you have to know your fmaily and what limits you can take. Yet at the same time, we sit and pour over background studies prior to approving a meeting of the child - just to see if they are to "our liking." ugh! Truth be known - of all the background studies I've read w/ the children that we have adopted - the background study scared us to death. Had I taken to the extreme and allowed my mind to run wild with all the information in their home studies - we'd be childless right now. I can't begin to tell you how opposite each child has been compared to each background study we read. For some reason, that background study will knock your socks off. Yet how interesting it is to just trust God! Trust God in the big details - but especially in the small, minute details of the dailies. It's amazing how much better he takes care of us - and every situation that arises. We shy away from older teens because "they're set in their ways and we can at least train and teach younger children." Adopting older children has been the greatest reward my husband and I have experienced. Oh how needy they seem to be. And what joy we've had to watch each small step turn into monumental victories in their lives. They're so appreciative over every thing you do for them. And they are able to express their thankfulness in ways smaller ones can't. I wouldn't trade adopting older children for the world! Sure - they each have their own set of problems. But oh! Each day brings w/ it new challenges and GREAT rewards! So many have said to me through the years, "I don't know how you do it." And my response always remains the same, "It's not about me!!!" AND I add, "I don't know why you're not doing it." Perspective.
To Teen or younger children:
I genuinely feel for you in your situation. You sound like an extremely caring indvidual, as well as your husband, and I would think that you would make great parents for any age child.
I, while I am single, do think that I know what you might be going thru. Many times when I have been a potential parent for children I have wondered if chosen for more than one which would I choose and how would I choose. I always come back to what will be the best fit not just for the family but for the child in question. Maybe it would help to make a list of pros and cons, not just for these particular children, but for different age groups, and list the ways in which they would fit, wouldnt fit as well as what you feel would be negatives and postives for each age group. It may be that if you and your husband do this separately you may have more in common than you both realize.
Second, if your goal is more children in your future, I would have to question why an agency would feel that you needed to wait years to adopt again. Remember, just because you may use this agency for your current situation, if you are in a state that has different agencies available, you can always switch agencies once you are finalized. I would specifically ask your adoption worker why she/he has the mind set that you could not parent more children than the teen age girl for "years". I know many families that have adopted very large families in just a few short years and do not know why adopting in the near future would be an issue.
If your husband has no issues with taking the younger kids if the teen girl isnt available and if you are willing to take the teen if the younger ones arent available maybe the solution would be for you and him to agree that if you are selected for either the teen or the younger ones, whichever comes first will be who you bring into your family. I am a true believer in "fate" and cant help but think that you will eventually get the children who were "meant" to be in your home.
I think that you might be a little insecure when it comes to parenting a teen and I dont at all fault you for that. It is a huge responsibility as well as very different from younger children. i have not adopted teens but I did do foster care for many and it is very different however can be rewarding in ways that you dont find with younger children. It would be nice if there was someone reading the blogs that could possibly relate their experiences on raising a child from a teen and let you know a little of what you might expect. Having raised 4 sons to adulthood I have that experience but not with introducing a teen child into a family setting. It may be a little fear of the unknown that is adding to your insecurity.
We havent heard from you for a while so please keep us posted and let us know what is happening. We are here to offer our support and any advice that we can. Things will work out for the best I am sure.
Chmae
Hi:
To the family who is stuggling with the decision on who to adopt, the teenager or the twins.
This is not an easy decision to make. Every child deserves a home and family and it is not unusual to feel guilty over not being able to help every child that comes across our path. Many, many times I have had those guilty feelings because we were unable to help a child in the system at the time they needed it the most. We have adopted seven from foster care.
It is OK to have different oppinions on which path to take. You both have a big decision to make and you want to make the right decision, but no matter which path you choose the children that join your family now will be very lucky and you will also be blessed. Right now you both have to sit down together and figure this out. You are a team and the two of you are what make this team so successful. You have to look at the pros and cons of both sets of children and you have to be really honest when you do this.
In not knowing all the particulars about the children and your family I can give you my suggestions from experience, but remember these are only suggestions. Taking in a teenager with her baby can be a very big challenge. Teenagers are not adults, though they think they are, and they are not children, even though they act like it. You complicate this teenagers life with the addition of her baby. I am assumming that you will be only adopting the teenager and not the baby as the baby is the child of the teenager although they will both come to live with you. You will have to be prepared for the fact that at times she may want to be Mom to her child and at other times she will just want to be a teenager and go out with her friends. The total care of the baby might fall upon you but you will have no rights to make decisions about the baby without Mom. The biggest thing I have seen happen in these situations is that some sort of disagreement happens between you and the teenager and she decides that she is not staying any longer and she leaves with the baby. The baby is then taken away from her for neglect and placed in another home because the teenager returns home with you and the department decides that they do not want the teenager and baby together any longer. The department could decide to place the baby back with you if the Mom moves out. Now you have to decide between your daughter or your grandchild. This is tough. On the other hand you have two young boys who also need a home. You could provide so much for them and help them grow and learn about the world. You have so much to teach them so that they never find themselves in the situation that the teenager is in, a baby raising a baby.
I know it sounds like I am pushing for the twins and not the teenager, but that is not it. You want to be able to do the best for what ever child joins your family so you need to look at the strength it will take to take in the children.
Do not rush into your decision, think of all the angles. It is OK to desagree, but you have to come together on the final decision and support each other 100% once it is made.
Once you adopt for the first time you will be able to go on to adopt again. It is usually a good idea to give yourself and the children some time to settle in and for eveybody to get use to each other. There is no set rule on how long this should take but at least six months is a good place to start. The social worker of the teenager may have told you not to adopt again for years because she knows what you could be in for.
I would like to be a support to you if you wish. Just contact Kate or AdoptUSKids and they can put you in contact with me. You are both doing a good job for the children who wait.
Bernie
AdoptUSKids - RRT
As a social worker/adoptions consultant, my response to your question is to remember that first and foremost (here in NM anyway) that we are seeking families for our children, not children for our families. This is a very important distinction. I see far to many adoption "disruptions" occur due to the adoptive family placing expectations on the child which are unrealistic or unreachable for the child or which stem from the adoptive parents lack of understanding of the child they are adopting. By this I mean, these children have been severely abused and neglected. In most cases since this happened during the first 3 years of life, their brains are hard wired in a way which can make attaching to caregivers very very difficult for them. If adoptive parents have the "expectation" that a child (even an infant/toddler) is going to respond to unconditional love in a recipricol manner, they are setting themselves up for failure in some cases. Children with attachment problems may say and do things which are incompehensible to familes who have not been trained on the neruobiologcial effects of abuse and neglect on the developing mind. For example, these children may say (if old enough) such things as "I hate you","you are not my mom", etc. and may not reciprocate emotionally. They may also pit 2 caregivers against each other, especially in cases where one is more ambivalent about adoption. These so called RAD (Reactive Attachment Disordered) kids may have trouble forming emotional attachments to caregivers which can take years (a baisc rule of thumb being, take the number of years the child has been in care +1 and you have an idea of how long it can take). If the parents have the expecation that their adoptive child should reciprocate their love and affection, you are headed for major problems. Pease, please seek information out regrading attachment related problems and skills on how to deal with them. Also, please examine your motivation for wanting to adopt. You have to be brutally honest with yourselves. If you are trying to fill a void of some kind with a child (fertility issues, "empty-nest" etc.), insetad of wanting to be a parent/caregive resource to a child who desperatly needs one but whom may never be able to fulfill your expectaitons (educational, physical, emotional, etc)then you are putting your needs and wants ahead of those of a child, and becoming an adoptiove parent may not be for you. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but far to often we have adoptive and foster familes literally drop kids off at our door saying that they can't take it anymore, or that the child is not what they expected. Such disruptions are severly emotionally harmful to our kids. Adoptive parents must have some basic knowledge of attachment. They must put the needs of the child first. Conversly, agencies need to be doing a better job of training and supporting adoptive familes (this is a two way street after all). ANothe basic mistake adoptive parentst make is the assumption that an infant-toddler will have fewre "problems" than an older child. In my eperience this is not the case, especially when you factor in gentetics and the fact that many of our infants-toddles in custody were born drug affected or were exposed to drugs/alcohol in utero. The effects of such exposure or genetic manifestations may not show up in a toddler-infant for years (we have had familes who have adopted infant-toddlers and who have come back years later and claimed as a jsutification for wanting to disolve an adoption that we "did not tell them" that the child would turn out like this). With an older child (teens) these things have been fleshed out so to speak. You will have a much greater history (medical/psychosocial) to review, and genteic problems if any should be more apparent. Bottom line, our children need homes which can provide safety, security and love to them REGARDLESS if it is reciporcal. They need homes where their family will not place unrealistic expecations on them, and then dump them when they do not measure up. Best of luck to you, please read up on attachment!! It is very fasinating, and canmake the difference in keeping an adoptive family together......
When we attended classes to prepare for adoption, we reviewed the 12 criteria. One of those was "Know your family" and another was "Know the child". While it is impossible to predict the future, I'm sure that you and your husband can agree on what would be best for your family at this point. All children are different and sometimes younger children are more difficult to handle, depending on the issues. Too, there could be difficulties with a teenage mom and child in your home. With both situations, the insight gained and the happiness brought into your family will be immense. Rest assured that God will send to you the children that are meant to be there.
WHEN WELCOMING A NEW FOSTER CHILD INTO OUR HOME, WE ALWAYS TRY TO BE PREPARED FOR ANYTHING. AS PREVIOUSLY STATED, PLACEMENTS ARE USUALLY ON NEED -- NOT BY MATCH. BY LETTING YOUR SOCIAL WORKER KNOW ABOUT YOU AND YOUR EXISTING FAMILY, YOU CAN GIVE THEM THE KNOWLEDGE OF WHAT DEFINITELY WON'T WORK FOR YOUR FAMILY. OTHER THAN THAT, YOU SHOULD BE AS OPEN AS POSSIBLE. REMEMBER THAT YOUR FOSTER CHILDREN ARE COMING FROM A DIFFERNET WORLD WITH DIFFERENT RULES AND VALUES. THEY WILL CHANGE A LOT. ALL CHILDREN CHANGE A LOT, WHETHER BIRHT OR FOSTER...BUT FOSTER CHILDREN ARE INTRODUCED TO SO MANY NEW THINGS AND IDEAS THAT THEY WILL CHANGE EVEN MORE. IF YOU OPEN YOUR PARAMETERS, YOU WILL FIND GROWTH FOR YOURSELF, TOO. AND BE SURE TO PREPARE THE CHILDREN ALREADY IN YOUR HOME FOR "ANYTHING". THE MESH WITH THE NEW CHILD OR CHILDREN WILL BE EASIER IF EVERYONE IS READY FOR WHATEVER YOUR FAMILY'S NEW MEMBER(S) BRING.
To the family trying to decide to adopt the twins or teen age girl. My husband and I have adopted three times and seven children. I feel strongly that the person who will be doing the majoring of the parenting should have more imput on the child to adopt. Our first adoption I wanted to adopt a younger sibling group, but my husband was set on a sibling group of a girl 11 and a boy 9. Neither of us were prepared for the anger and violence of these children. My husband would get home from work earlier and the girl told us she was going to accuse my husband of rape if we adopted her. She wanted to be with her birth family even though parental rights were terminated. After 11 months she had to go to a group home and had contact with her birth family. We did adopt our son, but I got so much abuse from him that it put our marriage in trouble. Now ten years later we have learned so much and have adopted six more children. I felt in my heart these were the children for us and it has gone much better. Our older son also went back to his birth family as soon as he was old enough.
We have had about three years in between our adoptions. The first year in all three was extremely hard, the next year got getter and the third year we got to the point of real bonding. All of our children were 5 to 11 when we adopted them.
Parents need to come to a consensus about what they want. If there is no sincere agreement and an adoption is consummated, there will be doubts as soon as the first family disagreement arises.
Most states recommend the family takes some time off from fostering after an adoption. This is so that the adopted child/ren will bond with the family. Some states recommend up to a year. The family really needs to agree on what they want. No one wants an adoption disruption, especially the child/ren. He/She or they are the ones that suffer the most.
Handling Disagreements:
When you have a strong belief about a certain thing it can bias the facts and skew the stories we tell ourselves. We can set ourselves up for failure or success as easily as telling our selves a different story. The facts are important and so are your feelings about them. When two people have strong beliefs then the dynamics are much more complex and getting to dialogue is critical to prevent driving one partner or the other to silence or violence. Violence is not necessarily physical. It can be name calling, snide remarks, withdrawal, threats and ultimatums. The harder you try to push your point the easier it is to block the path to success. Seek to understand what each other wants from the process and the end results. Be candid and honest about your abilities and your long term capabilities and support network. If you take on an assignment that you feel good about but don't have the technical skills to see through by yourself then make sure you have lots of help getting through the tough times. I agree with previous posts that spell out steps to take in the introductory process. We met some kids we were convinced ahead of time were the right kids for us. After a few minutes we soon discovered we would have been in way over our heads. We met other kids that we felt much better equipped to handle. Ultimately we got neither group...and still ended up in way over our heads.
Kate ask me to come post. I am an adoptive mom of 4 now with 2 bio's. We just brought our latest child home Monday! She is 16!
Our first 3 were a sibling group. They were 4, 7 and 8. The bio's were out of the home. Fast fwd 3 years. After 2 years of trying to get CPS to update our file, find a child etc we finally were matched with a child from 2 states away! Don't let anyone tell you ICPC takes forever! From the day they sent in the request until we brought her home was just under 6 weeks.
The first round we had lots of requirements we wanted met. Most of them we were assured these kids met. HA almost everything we didn't want we got including RAD. We survived! This time around we had a very different request. 1.Safe around younger children and pet. 2. Does not self abuse. 3. Happy in a rural setting. 4. Not into organized sports.
If you look it seems broad but it does cover all the basic need we had. We needed some one that could blend with younger kids and animals. I didn't want a cutter or fire starter or any of the other self abusive behaviours that so many older kids have. We are way out in the country so someone that wants an urban setting would not be happy. We just don't do sports.
Each of my kids has been a blessing. I can't wait to get to know this new child. This week has been a culture shock and honey moon, but she is doing well.
I love talking about adoption and sharing our story feel free to contact me.
Nola
This is to the woman who is considering sibling boys or the teen-ager with a child. From my experience (adopting one 10-year-old girl) it's going to be hard work no matter which way you go. I agree with the previous post-er who said that the adoptive parent who is doing the majority of the parenting should have the final say. Remember, this is for life! But, both parents have to bond with the child/ren - just like we both have to bond with our biological children.
Even though I do the majority of the hands-on parenting, I absolutely deferred to my husband in this case. I wanted him to be happy with the situation. I didn't push him. He didn't want a boy (we already have one biological son and a biol. daughter). He didn't want a teen-age girl or any severely physically or emotionally handicapped children. As a Christian wife, it's my responsibility to defer to him. And as a mother, it's my responsibility to help my husband bond with the children (adopted and biological) as much as possible.
If this isn't a huge area of disagreement and you (mother) are the main caregiver then the choice should be yours. You must take on what you feel you can handle because problems will come on and you must be able to remind yourself that this was your choice -- what you wanted.
Pray and seek the opinions of people who know you and your husband well.
Take care. It will all work for the best.
I love reading all of the comments. No matter how well I think that I have thought thru a scenario there are those of you who bring another side to things. It is just wonderful.
I am also thrilled that a caseworker responded and I do agree that with older children "what you see is what you get". It could be there is much more history available or that they have been in the system long enough for their true issues to surface. I totally agree that when you adopt much younger children who are not yet able to verbalize and express themselves you cannot be sure of the future. What may seem like the "terrible twos" may well be the indicators of attachment issues.
I know there are many differing opinions out there as to at what age children are able to retain their past but I think it starts as infants and remains with the child for a life time. My bio son was diagnosed with menningitis at two months old and during his 15 day hospital stay had several taps for spinal fluid. To do this they had put him on a back board as then, (I am not sure about now) they did not sedate a baby for this procedure). At a little over age three he needed stitiches and because he wouldnt lay still the doctor brought in the board to secure him and the child looked at it and went hysterical when he saw it. The only explanation I have for that is that somehow he recalled his previous experiences with the same device. I had a foster child with some very severe behaviors attributed to PTSD, he was only 5. There were some very severe aggression issues with him and while it took a lot of time to figure it all out we came to the conclusion that when he acted out he was replaying and re-enacting the experiences he had as a very young toddler and infant. The almost 5 year old I have adopted has extreme issues with food and hoarding. While he was removed from his bio parents at age 13 months and has been in care and not neglected since there seems to be memories that trigger his fear of not having enough to eat as he is still eating until he vomits and stealing/hiding food. As adults it is difficult to imagine that he has memory of being hungry as a tiny baby but it is the only plausible explanation as it has been 4 years he has been in care and has NOT been food deprived for all that time. The only way I know to explain it is that the memories are there and were made before these children had any verbal skills thus behaviors and not words are the only way they can now manage to address those memories.
I think with age, while the memories may still be present, there comes a maturity and understanding for these children. My 5 year old cannot seem to understand that if he is hungry that all he needs to do is ask and he can have a snack. His 11 yr old brother, though, has learned this and while there are times when he literally "thinks" he is starving, somewhere in his mind he knows the food is there, he knows it will be there for the future and he is learning to control the urges to eat all he can as quickly as he can. It may be that the urge to eat, eat, eat may always be a battle for him but he can and is learning to control it.
I agree that when you adopt older children many of these behaviors are already noticed by their caretakers and one knows what issues are coming with the child. Many of the issues, if caught early enough, usually by the great foster parents out there, the child has possibly been in a therapeutic setting and some of the issues addressed. I equate it to the stories of people who have adopted internationally and within a few years learned that the infant they brought home is a very mentally unhealthy child. I also agree that there are some people out there who believe that love is all these children need and that is not the case. Attachment kids dont know what love is nor do they want the love poured on them. They have adverse behaviorial reactions to getting too close and to feeling like they are being forced to "bond" when bonding isnt something they are capable of.
I have read studies that now indicate that attachment issues might well form in utero before the child is even born into the world. It seems that mothers who suffer depressions while pregnant are at a high risk for attachment kids thus one cannot even be sure that taking home an infant directly from the hospital will not result in some type of attachment issues. I also agree that with so many children being born to drug users and those who have used alcohol during pregnancy that many issues are not recognized in the early stages. As with attachment children, those exposed to drugs in utero or born addicted end up with varying degrees of issues. They can range from extreme aggression to virtually no behaviors at all but this cannot be judged during infancy or maybe not even in early toddlers. Thinking that this can be changed with love and only love is a mistake as love cannot change the brain damage that has already been done. The brains of these children were never able to form correctly and are simply wired differently from "normal" children.
Every potential adoptive parent out there should make themselves aware of attachment issues as well as the variety of issues that may surface with drug exposed children and be prepared. The 5 yr old I have adopted came to me as the "normal" child and while he has settled in and is making much progress, he is far from "normal" and in some ways his behaviors more severe than his brother who came with a diagnosis.
Our hearts go out to these children and as parents what we want most is to give them stable, loving homes but sometimes these kids can be such a disruptive force in our lives that if not prepared the likelihood of disruption becomes much higher. This damages the children further as well as our own family.
I personally have dealt with many attachment kids with varying degrees of behaviors and I know that I am not equipped to deal with those with severe issues and have learned the "red flags". Any time I read a profile and having the knowledge at hand, that even remotely indicates that attachment may be an issue, I pass on the child. It is NOT an easy situation to be in and I have the highest regards for those who have been able to hang in there and deal with this type of child.
I think one can in fact be realistic in expectations as well as welcome a child with issues with open arms. In all my years experience as a foster mom I have learned to accept a child as a "blank slate" when first coming into my home. I would keep in mind any severe or dangerous behaviors if any but allowed the child to enter my home as if they did not have a "past" to conquer. I have found that this takes the pressure off all involved and we work on one issue at a time. I also have learned that just because one child at 10 behaves one way doesnt mean another child at age 10 is capable of behaving the same way. I try to treat each child as an individual and base my expectations on what they were capable of as individuals. I have heard many times "its not fair" but life isnt always fair and at some point in time we all have to learn that. If one child at 12 is capable and wants to mow the lawn with supervision and another is the same age but not capable, it is just the way life is. You find a way to compensate by giving the other child something they can do safely and within their own limitations. Allow them the space to change the past at their own pace. I had many experiences where foster families along with caseworkers did what I thought was set the child up for failure from the start. Based on past behaviors you cannot do this or that and I dont trust you from the start because in the past you did this or that. Of course you need to keep an eye on the situation when there are questionable behaviors, there is no doubt about that. But I have always tried to approach it as trusting them until they give me reason to NOT do so and then go from there. I do think that much of what some of these children need is to make a fresh start and that cannot be done if their past carries over with them every where they go. You may know their past and monitor what is going on but that doesnt mean one needs to let them be aware you are monitoring or that you know as much as you do. In the past this "technique" has seemed to work for me so all I am offering to all of you is the benefit of my past experiences. That is not to say this hasnt blown up in my face on a couple of ocassions however I have experienced more success than failure with doing things this way.
Just educate yourselves and know what you might be getting into and seriously consider older children whenever possible.
Chmae
Teen mom or twins?
As a member of the "foster/adopt community" I'll add my two cents worth. You're getting a lot of advice and I'm glad that you're giving serious thought to this important decision. Too often, the best intentions lead us into poor decisions which might have been avoided by objective reasoning.
My wife and I have had the experience of a placement with a teen mom and we'd like to share some thoughts in that regard. The baby was placed in a different home pending mom's attaining age 18and proving her ability to safely parent her child. We wanted to help her achieve reunification as the happy ending to the situation, but that was not the outcome. One of the criteria set by mom's worker was that she not have contact with the baby's father. This, of course, was the primary factor in derailing the unification plan.
Whether children are biological offspring, in foster care, or adopted, we must all be prepared for unsatisfactory outcomes. The old saying "Life is what happens to our plans" is so true. The best we can do is to plan as wisely as we can and recognize that even the best laid plans often go awry.
The bottom line is, no one can tell you what you should do in a particular situation - you know your family and yourself better than any outsider. The only thing an outsider can provide is objectivity - the most difficult to achieve for oneself. That said, here are some basic starting points which we have found helpful:
1) What is best for you and your spouse? I know this sounds selfish, but we have come to believe that most people become foster or adoptive parents to enhance their own lives. The fact is, we all gain at least as much from becoming foster/adoptive parents as do the children.
2) What is in the best interest of your other children? You have a committment and responsibility to them which takes precendence over a prospective foster/adoption.
3) What is in the best interest of the foster/adoptive child? The road to failure is paved with good intentions.
4) Finally, are you prepared to accept the worst possible outcome? What would be the effects on your family if everything goes wrong? If you think the worst cannot happen to you, you are deluding yourself and the result could be devastating when things go bad.
It is not my intention to discourage anyone. Our entire family has gained so much from our experiences (good and bad) as foster and adoptive parents. Your efforts to analize the situation tell me that you will make the right decision for you and your family. As members of the foster/adoptive community, you have a wide network of support you can tap into through local support groups, local agencies, and sites such as this.
To the couple that is struggling with the decision between the teenage girl with her own child and the two twins boys....
I am single dad who at 23 raised his then 11 year old brother and 15year old sister, and then proceeded to adopt three older teenage boys, and finalizing on my fourth, have been certified as a licensed foster parent of an autistic young man and am also looking into the possibility of a fifth son.
You have to have belief in yourself that you can offer these kids the one thing that they do not have, and that is "A Family". It does not matter whether your kids are biological or adopted, they present challenges everyday of your life, and I do not know any good parent that at some point in time does not question themselves as to whether they are are doing the right thing or not. All you can do is get in there and try. One of the biggest things I have learned is to be able to admit mistakes to your kids and apologize to them verbally. You would be surprised how many parents cannot do this, but those that do earn so much more respect from their kids.
I have crossed almost every imaginable obstacle in the adoption process that you could think of. From being told that I was crazy to once you have your first child, you should wait for a good long time before you adopt again. My first son was 17 when he was palced with me... Within 5 weeks of meeting him for the first time, he was in my home, and through lots of hard work and a great attorney, had the adoption completed within 6 months. Within 4 months of him being placed with me, I had sought to have his 14 year old brother placed with me and succeeded. They had been separated for over 7 years. I guess what I am trying to say, is that you have to go by your heart. Don't let anyone tell you that you should or shouldn't do something. Only you know inside whether you have the strength and conviction to build that family that we all want so much.
Nola
Congratulations on bringing home your new daughter!!! I am sure your next couple of months will be full of ups and downs but then you sound like very experienced parents and you know that already.
I think sometimes people expect huge changes in behaviors, etc too quickly and this doesnt happen over night. I truly believe that taking "baby steps" as major accomplishments is so very important. I think many have a tencency to look for the big picture rather than all of the little things that add up to the big picture. My 5 year old had a major tantrum, what I call a "melt down" last evening. My first thought was that "I thought we were over this" and then I realized that it was okay because he hadnt done this for nearly 6 weeks and the time before that he had gone nearly 4 weeks between the incidents. By keeping note of these things I am able to ground myself and keep track of progress. In about 7 months we have gone from nearly daily melt downs to once every 6 weeks or so. THAT is a major accomplishment, not just for him but letting me know that I am doing what is needed for him. I think that NOT thinking in terms of a child has been here a year and is still doing this or that, one needs to take comfort in the fact that after a year the behaviors have lessened, they are not as frequent or they are less intense. Realistically, it can take years of working with a child to alleviate some of the experiences they have lived thru in the past. Realistically, some of the baggage that these kids carry with them they will carry for life regardless of what we do as parents. That is not to say that we cannot teach them to better deal with their issues and to handle their emotions in a healthy manner, but no matter what we do the memories and experiences will remain with them for life and will in fact shape their future. Simply bringing a child into our home and providing love does not equate to any kind of "quick fix" for them. As much as our hearts go out to them and as much as we want to provide a stable, loving home we cannot erase what they have been thru. What we need to do is provide them with the tools and ways in which they can control and live with what has happened to them so they can lead normal, productive lives.
Anyone who has adopted or done foster care knows that you need to take one day at a time and go on from there. A behavior might happen on a daily basis then lessen to weekly, to monthly, to every several months and eventually disappear. It is a long process and much more difficult on the kids most of the time than we adults. There may be some resentment there, and I think rightfully so, as we are taking children who have been "raised" in a particular manner and allowed to behave in certain ways and expecting them to change the only way they know and we are the ones who are trying to force that issue. These kids most of the time dont see anything "wrong" with their behaviors because it is all they have ever known. So even the most subtle suggestion that what they are doing is "wrong" or inappropriate could make them fall deeper into the "whats wrong with me?" and the "why cant someone love me for me" rut. Personally I prefer to approach from the point of view that we do things a certain way in our house than others do in other homes. If I have a child say "this is the way I did it before" I try to act very indifferent no matter how crude or outrageous I think it was to allow this behavior, and respond very calmly with " I wasnt aware of that and that is okay but we do it this way or that here so I would appreciate your cooperation." I try to make it very clear that different people have different ways of doing things no matter where you live or who your parents are. It is kind of like, and I am assuming all of us who are parents have said this at one point in time, "But Bobbys parents let him do it" and we respond with "yes, but I am your mom, not Bobbys and we dont do that in this house".
I guess the point I am trying to make is that you have to take each child and their experiences indvidually and build on that. No matter what their past, each child has unique and wonderful qualities that you can build on. With some it just takes longer to get the point across.
I think many older children are capable of attaching or bonding to you, even though they were not born to you.
13 years ago, I started volunteer at the Chicago Women's AIDS Project as mentor. I was matched with a five year boy to be a mentor with, and I have taken him out on outings to the park, the zoo, bowling, the movies, etc.
This boy is 18 years old now, and has one year left in high school. He told me a couple of months ago that when I first few months after he first meet me, he was "scared" of me, which I was surprized to hear. I do remember that when first met, it seemed to take him a few months before he really latched onto me. I can remember the day when I sensed he felt secure with me: we were at a carnival when he was five & a half, and he took my hand that day as we walked through the carnival. He has been very cuddly ever since then.
His mother died 5 years ago, and he lives his grandmother now. He hasn't seen his father since he was an infant. He calls me "Goddaddy" when he is around his friends. When though we are from different races, he is very attached to me, and he thinks of me as a father figure.
I have been feeling quite guilty lately because I find myself skipping past the teens when I look for children. I dont know why I do this as when I did foster care everyone complimented me and commended me on the fact that I do exceptionally well with teens. In fact, I love teen-agers and there are many in the neighborhood that have no real reason to visit my home or stand and talk with me but they in fact do, frequently. And, while I am still trying to figure out why I avoid teens, the only logical reason I can come to is that in my mind somewhere I realize that they would not be in the home and part of the family as long as the younger kids would.
Thus, I began thinking of teens from their point of view and it has now changed my opinion and I think in the future I am going to concentrate on bringing at least one teen into our family.
I have tried to put myself into their place as far as what they must be thinking concerning adoption and a forever family. I think we, as adults, think this child is 16 and almost grown and doesnt really need us like the younger kids do. That I believe is not just true. In some ways I think that these kids need us even more than the younger kids.
I think that the older kids probably wonder at times if they were 8 and not 16 would they have a home? This is a legitimate question as far as I am concerned and in fact, they probably would in fact have a home if they were younger. I think about the older kids I have seen listed on the web sites and wonder how sad it is that they will probably age out of the system and be totally on their own with no support or no family to turn to.
I wonder how it must feel for those that manage to get to college to see their friends and dorm mates going home to family for the holidays and they have no one or no place to go. No family, no home. Those who suceed and graduate from college but who have no family in the audience to show their pride in their accomplishments. Getting married with no family to fill the pews in the church or having their first child knowing there are no grandparents, aunts or uncles. Young adult girls getting into abusive relationships and staying in them because they have no family to turn to for help or advice or a safe place to escape. How do they adjust to living lives as adults and establish their own family and healthy relationships when they have never had that for themselves?? How frightening it must be to be just short of your 18th birthday and knowing that the system is going to turn its back on you and ready or not you are going to need to fend for yourself. Always being the "friend" that someone takes sympathy on and brings home to their family for the holidays rather than the friend who takes another home for that very same reason.
And WHY? Simply because they were unfortunate enough to be teens in the system. No fault of their own, just that they were older when the system finally decided to remove them or finally decided their parents werent fit enough to raise them.
I agree that teens can be tough to raise and tough to introduce into your family. And maybe they will only stay in your home for a short few years and then decide to go out on their own. But with them whether they appreciate it or not, they take with them all you have given them in the short time they have been with you. They take away with them the knowledge that they do have a family to fall back on if they ever need it. They may never use that option, but think of the difference it might make for them just to know that option is there for them. They may in fact decide to go home with a friend for the holidays over college break but it would be because they want to do so, not because there are no other options. Whether the teen in question choosed to or not, they have options that they did not have if they had not been adopted. They have the option of asking Dad to give them away at their wedding, the option of asking Mom to help with their first born child and the option to invite everyone to college graduation. So while it might not seem that we can give them much in a short few years, we in fact can make all the differnce in the world for them. Just a sense of family and belonging could mean the difference between sucess and failure for an older child.
So, thinking of it in those terms, I have decided to now emphasize on older children. I would hope that any of you out there who are searching for an addition to your family consider these things the next time you just page past a child due to their age. I think these kids need to be considered whenever possible and I think while their stay in our homes as children might be short, they could possibly offer us a lifetime of happiness also.
Chmae
I so feel all of your experiences. To the single parents who wish to adopt be an advocate for yourself and be open to the adoption experience. Sometimes (I know form experience) we don't "know" that the 10 1/2 yr. old girl who came to you for respite for a week with an ungly history and behavior was meant to be your daughter. A year later she gets straight A's is a joy to our family and I can't tell you the last time she was on restriction. Always remember that you are raising adults not children and that just like picking a life partner or best friend that it has to be a fit of personality. There was a time when we thought we wanted to adopt a girl and end up opening our house to one of our sons who I can not imagine not having in my life. Then our daughters came along later. I can not tell you when but your "right" child is out there be open and follow your heart. Yes there are many children waiting but if they are not "your" child the placement could go very wrong. It is hard and takes time to find the love of your heart! Keep up the search! We have 2 biologicial and have adopted 6. I never dreamed my house or heart would be so full! No it is not always easy and we have many struggles but as my kids say no matter what we stick together! That is the best gift you can give our child. Kim
To Anonymous in IL:
My name is Olga and I’m the Recruitment Response worker for IL.
Let me begin by saying, that’s a very tough call.
Have you considered a sibling group? Sometimes in a sibling group one child will be older and one younger. There are teenage girls in the system that still has a desire to be adopted as well as teenage boys. Parenting is trial and error. As parents you try to guide the children and keep them on the right path and instill values that will carry them through life. With younger children you have the opportunity to begin that process at an early age. With teens you’re going to work a little harder because many of them are going to be set in their ways.
Have you and your husband considered sitting down and talking with your license representative and request more training about working with teen mothers and their baby? Have you considered taking more parenting classes to become better informed about our children that are in the system? Or have you considered weighing the pros and cons of what could happen if the teen mother decided to move before she’s ready to go and how that will effect your own home life? A decision needs to be made as to what is going to work best in your home.
As far as your agency stating that if the teen mom is placed with you, no other children should be placed for many years should be discussed to find out why.
If you need further communication from me, please contact AdoptUSkids @ 1-888-200-4005 or www.adoptuskids.org.
Sincerely,
Olga
Teen Mom or twins
I wanted to give a little different perspective. I was a teen Mom. Although, neither I or my daughter were ever in the "system". Dealing with becoming a mother at the same time you are trying to get through your teenage years is a challenge most could never imagine. But before you make a decision regarding the teen mom, you should find out what the teen mom's expectations and wishes are. Does she sincerely want to "parent" her child? Or is she doing it because she feels she has to or is being told to. I see alot of advice in here about making sure she knows it is "HER" job to be MOM. But obviously you can't make someone do that and expect a good result if it is not what they want or are capable of at that particular time. Maybe this teen mom would like to just be a teen and perhaps a "big sister" to her child and let you do the parenting. This option may alleviate any fear she has of never seeing her child again, but not expecting something of her she may not be capable of. If you ask me, she should get credit for admitting this up front and doing what is probably best for her and her child. And it will give you a better idea of what to expect as far as challenges go. I was ready and determined to parent my child myself, and was able to do so with the support of my whole family. And now with two of my own biological children, my husband and I are adopting another. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband in this difficult decision.
Former teen mom and soon to be adoptive parent
Teen Mom now adopting
What wonderful advice!! You made some great points that I think in fact have gone unsaid until now.
I think that you are very wise and should be commended for your dedication to your own children and now to any you will adopt. Hearing it from your point of view really does add a whole new light to the subject and brings up some questions that need to be asked and addressed. I think one of the best points you made is that you can assist someone in being a mother, as your family did you, but you cannot force someone to do so.
I am glad you responded and hope that your unique insight will assist this family in making an otherwise difficult decision. And, congratulations on your ability and determination in raising your own child and now helping a child in the system.
Chmae
Hello, this is Lanecia and i am an adoption homefinder in Florida and I wanted to respond about the family with the indecision about the teenage girl and the two boys. This issue is something i encourage prospective adoptive parents to discuss before they even start the adoption home study process. Yes families change and our feelings about what age group we want can change, but if everyone is not on at least a similar page it will create resentment and ill feelings and that is not in the best interest of the child. I just had a situation where we had an adoption disruption because the husband wanted it more than the wife, significantly more, and the children were dropped off in front of our office. I believe the children that adoptive parents get out of the foster care system is one of the most courageous and beautiful achievements a family can accomplish for a child with a history of abuse, abandonement and neglect. I think that it is wonderful that you and your husband want to adopt out of the foster care system. I believe that in this situation you need to speak with each other heart to heart.Everyone in speaking in this blog may have our own experiences with adoption but none of us know the inner workings and set up in your family, only you know that. If from that you come at an impasse then you have to put adopting on the table and reconsider in 2 to 3 months. Give yourself some time. Each of you need to write down what issues you think you can and cannot handle. As far as the opinion of the caseworker that you should not adopt for years after you adopt a teen is not quite accurate. It is really a case by case basis. The CHild Welfare League of America recommends that adoptive families wait a year before they consider adopting another child, to allow time for the children to adjust in your home. If the family is having a harder time adjusting to the new addition in the family it may take longer than a year. With a adopting a child out of foster care you need a lot of love, but you also need patience, and empathy and consideration of what your partner or spouse can or cannot handle.
Hi All
Yesterday I got my approval to be a resource family.Today I got a call for a teenager who needed a placement.I was hoping fro a fast placement however never did I expect this fast.
After being filled in on the whole story my husband and I decided to decline.We have adopted 4 children in the past,never have been a foster parent and I must say that was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make.
Even now as I type this there are tears for this young person.
The decison was a hard one,but we felt it would be the best for the child and our children at home.That still does not make our decison easier.
Guilt is starting to move in and I wonder if the agency will ofeer me any more placements.I thought after 4 adoptions i was a pro at this but today I know different.
Has anyone had a similar experience?
Post a Comment