Sometimes what you consider a hindrance to adoption may actually be a benefit! Don’t be afraid to share with your caseworker and include in your homestudy the challenges that you have faced. Look what research has shown:
• Families who have experienced challenges in their lives and have handled them successfully are often just the right people to adopt waiting children!
• Families without a lot of parenting experience can parent successfully.
• Working outside the home should not be seen as a deterrent to being good adoptive or foster parents.
• Families coming from all different backgrounds (social, economic) make good adoptive and foster parents.
• Out-of-state families can be good resources for children. These families can maintain contact with former foster families and other relatives of the child despite distance.
• Medical problems, disabilities, and obesity do not necessarily interfere with parenting abilities.
• Parents who are recovering alcoholics or recovering drug addicts and who have been in recovery for a period of time can be effective parents.
• Effective parenting is not dependent on one’s marital status (nor on religious affiliation, financial status, or where the family lives).
If you have questions about what should be included in your homestudy visit adoptuskids.org or call 1-888-200-4005
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
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30 comments:
"Sometimes what you consider a hindrance to adoption may actually be a benefit! Don’t be afraid to share with your caseworker and include in your homestudy the challenges that you have faced. Look what research has shown:
Families who have experienced challenges in their lives and have handled them successfully are often just the right people to adopt waiting children!
Families without a lot of parenting experience can parent successfully.
Working outside the home should not be seen as a deterrent to being good adoptive or foster parents.
Families coming from all different backgrounds (social, economic) make good adoptive and foster parents.
Out-of-state families can be good resources for children. These families can maintain contact with former foster families and other relatives of the child despite distance.
Medical problems, disabilities, and obesity do not necessarily interfere with parenting abilities.
Parents who are recovering alcoholics or recovering drug addicts and who have been in recovery for a period of time can be effective parents.
Effective parenting is not dependent on one’s marital status (nor on religious affiliation, financial status, or where the family lives). "
Then answer this one simple question. If all that is true above why is it so difficult and impossible to adopt through foster care???
My husband and I have no criminal history, no physical issues, no mental issues, he has had three children, we both work, nice income, nice home with 3 spare bedrooms. but yet we have been trying to adopt for over 3yrs and not one call.
I don't even know whats on our homestudy since we canno't even SEE our home study and have not even got a response from the Maryland recruitment.
I feel for you. I don't know your background so it's hard for me to judge. My husband and I chose to adopt our first child. We have our little girl and are happy. In my experience, the quickest way to get a child is to broaden the age range, race, accept siblings, and not to specify boy or girl. Also, get trained for special needs. It would be extremely hard to live in a nice big house with no children to fill it. We've had some real challenges with our daughter, but she's overcome so much and is now very normal. It doesn't matter what a child looks like or how old they are, they all have challenges. Some younger children have more challenges then much older children.
I agree that sometimes a person's past challenges can make them a better parent in the long run.
My husband and I also have no criminal record and have an approved homestudy, I even have a special eduation degree and have been a full-time teacher of both elementary and middle school children. We are finding it VERY difficult to adopt. We have expanded our age range and are looking for both males and females and are considering sibling groups. What else can we do?
There is no reason you should not have a copy of your pre-placement assessment (home study). You should have been provided with one so that you can assure that you agree with the information contained in it. If the agency has any concerns about your family, those should have been discussed with you prior to the completion of the PPA. Your worker should also be having regular contact with you to discuss your status as an adoptive family and any issues that may be making it difficult for you to receive a placement. I would suggest contacting your worker and requesting a meeting to discuss your PPA, get a copy, and find out what they think is the reason for the delay in placement. If they feel you need additional training and/or other preparation for placement, they should be able to point you to those resources.
Hi All
I have learned so much since this blog site came up!!! I learn from all of you that make comments as well as when someone poses a question, it encourages me to do research into the issues.
I truly believe the best and only way to find children for your family is to inquire, inquire, inquire.
There are times when I feel a little guilty, as though I am "shopping" for children however it is the way the system is set up. I have had to change my mindset somewhat and think of this process similarly as I would searching for a job. There is a lot of competition out there, many good, decent families who are sending studies for many of the same children. What one caseworker may see as a deficeit another may see as an asset. I spend as much time every day as I can going to every web site of which I am aware and inquiring for every child(ren) that from the short narratives, I feel would be a match to us and that I would be able to parent. Currently I have no less than 30 studies to workers in many states and those have all gone out over the past 4-6 weeks. (This IS the time of year!!!!!! )
At this time I know that I am being seriously considered for at least 3 different sib groups in 3 different states. Also, it was just recently that I was contacted by a caseworker who had read my family narrative on this site and asked for my study thinking I may be match for two of his children. Adopt America has been a great help in that I know many of the children I have an interest in came by way of them and they too are submitting my study for those children.
I have to say that when I started this process initially I felt like a "pest" when I would ask my worker again and again to send my study out. I had worried that someone might wonder if I wasnt "desperate" or that I was a little insane for inquiring about so many children with such diverse issues. When I mentioned this to my worker and apologized for being this "pest" she just laughed and let me know that this is the way it is done, that I was doing what I needed to do in order to have children placed with me. I now feel much more comfortable, not just because my worker has encouraged me and not just because I know now this is how the system works, but also because I know that my search is not only going to benefit me but the children who are eventually placed with me due to my persistance!
Challenges you have faced in your own life certainly can assist you in ways you might not be able to imagine. I have had some concerns in the past about whether or not, being causcasian that I would be able to parent children of a different race. I wondered how I could help them thru any negativity they might face simply because they are not white. I have talked extensively with my worker about this and the "light bulb" went off in my head the other day! I have raised a son who is "different". He chose to dress what I now call "semi-goth" and there over the years we have faced much adversity. Security would follow him around in department stores, women would clutch their handbags tighter, there were many stares and negative comments. We once went to an amusement park and were told he had to remove his bracelets and jewelry, including his ear piercings, before we could enter only to go in and find that the gift shops there we actually selling the same or similar items to what he was wearing.!!! I once bought him a shirt that said "just be glad I'm not your kid" and in a restraunt a man commented to me something like "I am glad" and I looked him directly in the eye and told him it was me who was "glad" that he wasnt the father of my child. The point here being, NO, I do not know first hand what it is to be a person of color and have to suffer the ignorance of others for that reason alone, but I am very aware and equipped to deal with a situation where someone is singled out simply due to their appearance. I do in fact have those skills. I realized I face similar issues with my sons who are within the Autistic Spectrum Disorders, because they "appear" and behave somewhat differently. I deal with those issues on a daily basis. I just didnt realize I was doing it because they are my sons and it has become such a part of me from raising my own sons that it doesnt stand out to me. I realized that I dealt with it with my next oldest son who was a skater. I had a family friend one day say she "thought" she saw my son but wasnt sure. I asked why she wasnt sure and she stated it was a kid on a skateboard (this was in July) riding down the road in a striped shirt, plaid pants with a Santa hat on. I just laughed and said, "yep, that was him"!! I doubt very much, had it not been for the Santa hat, that anyone would have paid much attention to him that or any other day.
So, think of those things that you have faced and apply them to other situations and I think you will find that you may be more equipped to deal with various issues than you think you might be. And, your awareness of this will go a long way in speaking with caseworkers and presenting yourself in a favorable and accurate light with them. Talk to people who know you or family members and ask them what they see as your strengths and weaknesses. There are many things that other people see in me that they consider "special" that I dont see in myself simply because it is just the way I am.
It may be just the "little" things in your study that set you apart from others. Take advantage of that and dont for one minute assume that everyone out there has the same traits simply because you do and you think that is "normal". Read your study and if you feel there is something to add, request your worker to add it to your study. It is your study and a composite of your life and who knows you better than you? I was recently told that caseworkers are looking for studies that "pop". Well, until there is a change in the way in which most agencies write their studies, a change in the kind of clinical writing of most adoption workers, no one will "pop" unless you see to it that you do!!!
Here is my answer to your question...
Foster care is in a high demand. Yes, they need adoptions too, but for the states, they are very picky about the parents that they choose.
We went through foster care adoptions also. We had a rough ride. In our state (Oregon), we have it even harder here. Once a child is picked by us, in our case 12, they we had to wait for the caseworker to go through all the homestudies and narrow their choice down to 3 "best qualified" families. Then, our family was taken to a committee where 5 people who don't know you, have to litigate basically with each homestudy worker. At the end of that day, the "best choice" gets picked.
We were in it for 1 year with the county, then also with an aodption agency.
This is what we were told why we were never chosen.
1. Both parents worked. Even though the HS worker tells you that dual income is not a problem, it really is, when the decision is made. They would prefer one at home parent. With us, I work days, my hubby works evenings, mainly to reduce childcare. They saw this as a stressor.
2. Even though together we make over 100k per year, we had a bankruptcy 11 years prior to the adoption. The HS worker said that was no problem either. But it came up in the committees. They considered us "not financially stable".
3. Also, without your knowledge of how the homestudy is written, we found out in the long run, that our homestudy "misrepresented" us as a family, and was one of the main reasons why we never seemed to get chosen. By this time, we were already disgusted, and went to an agency that worked with state children. Although this is not free, but the costs are aroung $3000 in which they give you a discount for having an "approved" homestudy.
I also do not know if this is true for all states, but for Oregon, what I found out is the State actually loses money when they adopt their kids out of foster care. They only have an average of 8 kids per month or so, that get adopted. That is nothing when you are looking through the manuals at 12,000 children just in oregon that are waiting for adoption.....It is sad.
It is true at least in Oregon, that you can't get a copy of your HS because it is state property. But you ARE supposed to sit down with the worker and go through the completed HS before they publish it to the caseworkers.
Also keep in mind that you really want to make sure that the children you choose, really fit your family, because the caseworkers will not consider you at all and your HS just sits on their desk.
After 3 years, and no response from your worker, I think you need to try another DHS office, county, or find an adoption agency that works with State Children.
We ended up by great luck of being recruited by a Birth-mom who was incarcerated. But that came with a great fee. Don't give up, that is the wrong thing to do after everything you have put effort into. Just seek other options, there are many out there.
I hope this helps you understand a little more about the State adoptions, and please write again, if you need anything more.
Jamie
In Georgia it seems like it is the same way to get a child. Our homestudy did not represent us right.
If you want to look over your homestudy you have to pay money. It belongs to the state.
We have been waiting for a year to be matched. They tell you they the child is waiting for a family , then you ask about them they say they have to go to a certain home.
The states need to tell people want kind of parent they are looking for. (married, single , man or woman)
Hi there! Anonymous No. 1
I have a couple of questions and maybe some advice as well. As you know each State is different as to how they run their offices, & the laws surrounding foster care/adoption in general.
I agree you have been waiting an awfully2 long time. So I'm trying to figure out what the hold up could be.
Were you assigned a home worker? Did you receive the paperwork saying you home was approved?
Now here is where the laws may differ. In my State we have to complete so many hours of training, as well as going over the contract for any changes in order to keep our homes open. We call it our annual review.
Do you hear from your worker often and if not how long has it been since you were contacted?
If you haven't heard from them then I'd give them a call and ask if your home is listed as open.
If you are, then I would talk to them about how long you've been waiting. Maybe you were accidentally removed from the resource home listings, maybe your worker is no longer in that division and the case file got lost in the transfer.
If all of that checks out and you are fine, then I would ask your home worker what their thoughts on why you've been waiting this long.
It could be that you are only listed for adoption only and they aren't able to guarantee that and you are on a waiting list, it could be that the child's age is a factor, etc. I know here there is a great need for foster and adoptive parents to teens. Teens I believe are always the biggest age demographic in need of a home. At the same time, there are not a lot of children between ages 6 and nine. The reason I know of the prob lem is that a lot of foster parents were wondering what was going on.
It may be that, or something similar. She or he should be able to tell you what the hold up is.
Another great source of information is your foster and/or adoption association meetings. They not only allow you to be around others experiencing the same frustrations, but they also may be able to give you insight as to what any delays due to lack of children. I most definitely would speak to my home worker first.
I'm so very sorry that you all are having a problem getting through. I can't imagine your feelings and thinking something is wrong. If it was then you not only wouldn't have been approved, but I do believe that they tell you why you aren't.
Also, another factor could be the County that you live in. For example a rural community would have less children in care than a heavily popululated city. Simply because there are more peoople within that area.
If I can be of any assistance, I'd be happy to. I'll make sure to check back and see. I hope the information I gave you helps and that you are able to get this sorted out soon and quickly. There are many children out there that need good safe homes.
To be honest, you have a very valid claim. I'm in the same situation and it does seem very difficult to adopt, so I don't know if I can be of much help. You are doing the right thing by expanding the age range, being open to males or females and being open to sibling groups. I have heard that fewer children are coming into care so that means fewer being available. The only other thing I would know to suggest is fostering-to-adopt instead of straight adoption. I also wonder if you have given it at least 6 months - there is no magic timeframe, but I would give it at least that length of time.
Hope that helps.
Hi, my name's Morella and I am the RRT in GA. I would like to respond to the GA family who stated that the they would like the state to make you aware of what type of family a specific child needs, or is looking for. I know that it can be frustrating waiting to find a child after you have been approved for so long. It is imperative that you work closely with your case worker, or representative, so that they may be able to help you find the "right match" for you. Unfortunately, this process can be difficult sometimes due to the children's specific needs, but it can be done. There are many children in GA who need permanent homes but the state's job is to find them homes where there is a "right fit" for both child and parent. Please hang in there and if you have any further questions or concerns feel free to get in touch with again.
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Hi, I’m the AdoptUsKids.org Regional Response Team member from Oregon. I’d like to respond to some of the comments here on the AdoptUsKids blog!
I’d like to start by thanking Jamie, from Oregon, for your comments. You’ve made some very helpful and constructive points that I’m sure will enlighten all of the families who visit the blog. I’ll refer to some of your specific statements because they are great points and perfect examples of questions/comments we hear from families all over the country.
I’d also like to thank you for sharing the reasons why you were not chosen by the committee. I think another ‘anonymous’ poster put it well when she compared the search for a child to job hunting: your homestudy is like a resume, and although you may be a perfectly qualified candidate, another family may have something in particular that sets them apart. Having financial challenges in one’s past or two working parents is not a red flag, a disqualifier, or a deficit, but if three very qualified, outstanding families are being represented at committee for the same child, a perfect financial history may be the only factor leading to a different family’s selection. Because a family is not selected by the committee doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with them; it just means that something specific about another family made them better suited for that particular child or sibling group.
“I also do not know if this is true for all states, but for Oregon, what I found out is the State actually loses money when they adopt their kids out of foster care. They only have an average of 8 kids per month or so, that get adopted. That is nothing when you are looking through the manuals at 12,000 children just in oregon that are waiting for adoption.....It is sad. “
It’s true that Oregon pays for (or subsidizes if using a private adoption agency contracted by the state, or the Special Needs Adoption Coalition) the costs of adopting from foster care. This means that most if not all of the cost of the adoption coordination, training classes, legal fees, home study fees, post-placement supervision, adoption assistance, is covered by the state. Although the state loses money for adoption of kids in their care, they also lose money paying for kids in foster care: foster parent training, certification, homestudy, supervision, stipends, health care, not to mention the cost to society when children aren’t raised in a loving environment and continue the cycle of stress to the social welfare system. The state loses money either way, but at least with adoption the children are able to find permanent loving homes and stability, so – at least in my experience – the priority is to do what is in each child’s best interests.
May I ask where you found the statistics about 8 children being adopted per month? According to Oregon DHS’ 2006 Adoption Trends report (which you can find online at www.oregon.gov/dhs) there were 1,095 adoptions finalized in 2006, which averages to just over 91 adoptions per month. This is out of the 13,000+ children who are in Oregon State foster care each year, though it is important to remember that only a fraction of the number of children in foster care are ever available for adoption. At any given time in 2007 (DHS Foster Care Trends 2007) there were an average 7,734 children in foster care, only 250-300 of which were available for adoption to general applicants.
“It is true at least in Oregon, that you can't get a copy of your HS because it is state property. But you ARE supposed to sit down with the worker and go through the completed HS before they publish it to the caseworkers.”
You’re right about this; the homestudy, as previously mentioned, is your family’s resume and each family can be as proactive as they would like at making sure they understand and are comfortable with how their family is portrayed. That is one reason why the Special Needs Adoption Coalition exists – for families to be able to choose an agency/caseworker that they are confident will accurately represent their family in the homestudy and selection process; someone they will feel comfortable having in their home and communicating with, and someone they can trust to be open and direct with them.
I would like to comment generally on Oregon. I do not live in the state but have adopted two children from OR. I am currently looking to add more children to our family and OR is my top choice as far as dealing with out of state adoption.
I actually am very impressed with the way in which committee works in OR. I "interviewed" extensively with the worker that was to represent me at the meeting and found her to be very thorough and caring. There was no doubt in my mind that her first concern was finding the best family she could for the boys and even if I wasnt the one chosen, it is what I wanted also. As it happened, one family had already withdrawn so there were only two families. I had the opportunity to call the foster parents and discuss the children with them and ask questions before committee. I also understand the foster parents we able to read the home study for each applicant and voice their opinions. I have to say, I am older ( in my fifties) and I thought for sure that I would not be chosen due to that one child was only 3 at the time. I was a nervous wreck sitting at home knowing the meeting was taking place but immediately after the lady that represented me called and told me I had been selected. I have been told since then that there were three things that kind of put me over the top when it came to committee. For one, I had experience with the disability the older child has. The other was that I took advantage of actually calling and speaking with the foster parents ( evidentally the other family did not do so). The last, and I understand a big factor, was that when asked to send a family/life book of our family for committee I realized that the youngest would be overwhelmed and maybe confused with a "book" so I did the pictures in the form of flash cards so that he was able to choose his favorites (I also thought this might assist me in what he identified with the most). For the older boy I did do a book but really tried to emphasize on subjects in our area that he was extremely interested in. With those books I sent each boy a letter, even though I knew they would not be at committee expressing thoughts on becoming their mother. When I did these things it wasnt to impress the committee, it was simply because I thought it was what the kids would relate to and enjoy. I was shocked that something so simple ( in my mind anyway) would be a deciding factor. I was also told later that the foster parents also stated that they believed me to be the best fit for the kids.
I think I am acutally the one referred to in the OR post about mentioning that your home study is like a resume when looking for a job. I did go over my study and I did make suggestions to my worker of things that I felt were important to add, things that I felt reflected who I am. She was very receptive to this and it wasnt an issue at any time.
OR has been a great state to deal with. I have found the entire process ran smoothly and went as quickly as humanly possible. It was simple things that made me and I am sure my boys more comfortable with the transition. I at one point was told that it is normally policy that they have one adult per child accompany with travel and OR paid for my adult son to fly out with me to bring the boys home. Negotiating the subsidy, paperwork, etc all went very well and the adoption specialist was easily accessible for every question I had. I would like to say "Thank you" to Terry and Sarah as they were the biggest players in the process. They did a wonderful job.
Any time I have inquired on children from OR I have received prompt responses and have always found the workers to be considerate and professional. It was easy to just be myself and go with the flow of things and not feel on the spot.
I guess the whole point is that had I not taken the time to think about what was best for the boys ( the life books and letters as well as calling the foster parents) I may well have not been chosen. So it would be my advise to anyone, regardless of the state you are dealing with, to make that little extra effort. What may seem irrelevant or common place to you may well be the minor effort that makes you and your family stand out. And, I really hope that I am blessed to deal with OR again at some point in time.
The waiting and failed adoptions happen for a reason. Have faith and good things will happen.
We finally got two little men, that offer unconditonal love.
This have been a relearning process with lots of redundance but it is all so worth it. We tackle each day as a new day and deal with medicals and educational issues when they arise.
be strong and have that faith... these little ones need you
I'm up right now at 2AM because I am so nervous about tomorrow. We are parents of eight children, six still at home. We live in Oregon. My sister in law in another state has lost her parental rights to two of her four children, and surely will lose her rights to the other two as well. Our first meeting with the worker is at 2PM today and we're scared to death. We want to adopt these kids so bad. The other members of the family "will if they have to",but we WANT them. I'm worried because we have had money problems, I had bad health problems that are getting better, just a lot of stuff I'm afraid of. OH! And our house is a mess, even though we've cleaned it!
I guess what I'd like to know, are the procedures different for "in family" adoptions through the state? Thank you!
Maggie in Oregon
Maggie in OR
Hope your meeting went well and you found some answers to your questions. It would be great if you could share whatever you have learned. This is not a situation with which I have had any experience so cant really answer any of your questions or address any of your concerns but know that people are thinking of you and wish you the best.
Chmae
Kate, just stumbled across this site. I am proud mom to 10, 8 adopted. I too was adopted, and this article is EXACTLY my testimony. B/c of the challenges I faced, I can now help these precious children.
Mandy
Maggie –
Hello, I’m a Regional Response Team member from Oregon. Thanks for expressing your worries here; rest assured, you are not the only person here who has felt that same pang of fear, excitement, and anxiety.
When children are taken into state custody in Oregon, the best case scenario is that with some help, support, and/or rehabilitation, the family can be reunited. Of course, that isn’t always in the best interest or safety for the child, and that’s when the child’s caseworker has to begin making another plan. While the first choice is for kids to stay with their parents, the second choice is to keep them within their family. Caseworkers and volunteers spend a good chunk of their time researching for family members – within the state, out of state, close relatives, and extended – to find possible resource families. If that doesn’t produce results they’ll move on to family friends, fellow church members, teachers, and then current caretakers. Only then will they open up the child’s case to “general applicants.” In short: you’re at the top of the list.
Of course, the aim is to do what’s going to most benefit the child or children in question, so the children’s caseworker gets to decide what kind of environment and support will be necessary for them. It’s always possible that the children’s family members who wish to take them simply do not have the resources (time, money, space, and energy!) or do not have the therapeutic skills the children need in order to grow past the challenges in their previous home. At the discretion of the caseworker, this means that family members who want to adopt those children may be required to go through training classes, application, background check, and homestudy, just like general applicants. Another possibility is that you’d only be asked to take a few classes tailored specifically for “relative” or “kinship” care, with a background check and a quick home inspection. There are even cases when families adopting relatives in state care can forego most of the formalities because the children have already been living with them, or have spent time with them in their home, and it is clear that the family and home already fully prepared for permanent placement.
Going through the state to adopt a child from Oregon DHS is free, and you’re eligible to apply for Adoption Assistance once the placement is finalized. The kids will also be covered by OHP (Oregon Health Plan) until they’re 18. It’s hoped that money will never be the sole factor deterring a loving family from providing a permanent home. Health of the parents is important, but it’s merely something that caseworkers take into account when making a placement – not a deciding factor (especially if you’re recovering!). As far as cleanliness: no one’s home is perfect – and it certainly won’t be when there are kids involved!
Be sure to let us know how the meeting went so everyone can learn from your valuable experience!
Thank you all so much for your comments and interest. My computer got a virus and I just got it back up.
We got heartbreaking news on Friday and we're just totally lost. Our DHS worker came two weeks ago, we had a wonderful visit, set up our classes, etc. Her supervisor won't approve us because our 3 year old needs major surgery and she feels we have too much stress "right now". The worker in S. Dakota said they can't wait for us to be approved. These two girl's are two of the last remaining relatives we have. We are so heartbroken. Even our worker was upset. There seems to be no recourse for us at all. If you apply to foster there is, but no for adoption.
I have successfully raised three children into adulthood, we have five at home. We have went through way more stress than this surgery. I can't believe they can just say "Nope, sorry, my supervisor and her supervisor think it's too much stress. But I think you'd be perfect, sorry." And boom...that's just it? These are our nieces...I am just crushed.
Maggie in Oregon
Maggie
I am sorry to hear that news. If I were you I would further inquire somewhere on a higher level. In my opinion it shouldnt be someone who probably hasnt ever even met you making the call on what you can or cannot handle. I would first request their reasoning in writing. I would then ask to talk to someone who is over the supervisor. If you really want these children I would not give up until you have in fact covered every possible base. Do the kids have a CASA volunteer or a guardian appointed by the court? This person might be of some use. Maybe someone from this site would be able to advise you.
Will this surgery have long term repercussions? In other words, will the recovery rate, etc be for an extended period of time? Do you have support and assistance for the other children while she is under medical care?
Have rights of the parents of the children been terminated? A thought would be if they were willing to sign off their rights and place them in your care voluntarily. I think you need to pursue this a bit further, if you are able, before giving up. Call you state rep from you area, make a stink if need be because you would not believe how a little adverse pressure can make "opinions" be re-thought. Keep us posted and let us know how it is going.
Maggie -
I'm so sorry to hear your news. Have you considered applying to be your nieces' foster parents, or to perhaps pursue adopting them after the surgery, while they are still in foster care?
Best of luck to your family; those girls are very lucky to have family that cares as deeply about them as you do. Surely your love and support will benefit them strongly whether they are living in your home or not.
Maggie
This is not the first time that I've heard of some supervisor somewhere, who doesn't even know you or what you are capable of, who is simply looking at the face value of the information, arbitrarily deciding that you can't adopt kids. Don't these people understand that God can give you all of the love that you need to have, and all of the grace and peace necessary to handle the stress?
I wish I had a definite answer for you, but I don't. All I can do is tell you what I would do. I would go to the press. I would alert television news agencies and get them to do a story. If enough news agencies get involved and bring the public's attention to this, the social work executives would feel the pressure. Make them show proof of your alleged inability to handle it. Bring up the question of what will happen to the girls, since so many kids wait for years for a placement. Do these supervisors acually believe that foster care is better?!
I hope the best for loving people like you; people who are willing to SACRIFICE in the name of love. Trust God and see what He does.
Maggie, I hope you fight this with all that you have. I think the reason that people like these supervisors do things like this is because most people don't try to stop them. We, the people, need to start reminding those whose livelihood depends on public funds that they work for US.
We all know that there are families "out there" that are raising many more children than you have, and they are handling the stress, regardless of who needs surgery, who else needs attention, etc.
Hang in there and GO GET 'EM!
This story doesn't have anything directly to do with adoption, but it is a good example of what single men deal with in the attitudes of others.
My brother, who is a widower with three children, a 6-year-old boy and 4-year-old boy/girl twins, was reported to child welfare. The charge? Neglect. The person who reported him had absolutely no evidence to support the claim.
My brother supposed the complainer was one of his many elderly neighbors, one who has not gotten to know him like some of the others on his cul-de-sac have. This person apparently assumed that he was incapable of taking care of his children properly.
When the investigator came knocking on the door, he stayed only about 15 minutes, having easily concluded that the kids were well provided for. He also agreed that child welfare probably would not have received a complaint about a single woman in the same situation.
Men who wish to adopt are sometimes subjected to the same suspicion that my brother faced.
I have read the postings and the only thing that offers any comfort is the sad fact, that we, like so many wanting to adopt an American child have hit DSS's brick wall. In our case, we have been at this for two years. We have complied with every requirement to adopt an American child but to no avail. We remain unable to offer our love and home to any child needing permanency. Our home study is weak and poorly worded, fraught with grammar errors and poor punctuation. Sadly, it is a poor representation of our family's success. After reading through it for the first time, I wasn't persuaded with its contents and it was about MY family. What strikes me as profoundly sad is the fact that we were pressured into signing off on our home study. Our case manager was almost four weeks behind in meeting our state's time-line compliancy for a home study's completion. This gal was in hour home, conducting interviews with our family, for almost 15 hours. Surely she could have been able to formulate a cogent and intelligent description of our family! Further, we were told that we could only be considered as the adoptive resource for a sibling group IF our home study could be made immediately available. Our naivete put us between a rock and a hard place. We were erroneously informed that the home study's content could be corrected. Our DSS case manager's definition of correction was our submitting addendums to address the corrections. I got to 35 addendums and threw my hands up in despair. Our home study is pathetic. I ultimately have had to submit a family history addendum of almost six-thousand words in length, an additional 15-pages of supporting evidence necessary to persuade any staffing towards an adoption placement. Our case manager doesn't answer e-mails or phone calls. We have been in contact with supervisors and adoption specialists. Our case manager is unable or unwilling to advocate on our behalf. We have requested a different case manager but have yet to receive one. We are a great family. I am stay-at-home mom, celebrating 24 years of a happy marriage, already successfully demonstrating the raising of five biologicals. We own our home. We live in the country. We have dogs and pets. We have diverse friendships and are engaged within our community. We have health/dental. My husband is gainfully employed. Etc. Etc. Etc. What more is required? I am convinced that adoption is not the goal of the state. Foster Care is a business, and a lucrative business at that. We have thrown our hat into the ring for over 30 children whose parents rights have been terminated, were a sibling group,and were over the age of four. Those cases that our home study has been sent to and have been considered for a staffing, have amounted to one in Texas, and that sibling group was adopted by another family. An adoption supervisor outside of our jurisdiction did reveal to us that there was nothing in our home study that provided the evidence of our family's success to be advanced to an adoption staffing. If there was any evidence of my family's failures, show me that evidence. The fact that our home study says nothing is stupefying. My level of frustration with DSS and trying to adopt within the system is obvious, made especially so by the fact that we have forever lost critical time in possibly adopting outside the US. We can no longer adopt from China, because my husband is now over fifty. Thank you for allowing me to rant. I don't expect any useful guidance other than what has already been suggested to us. We have been there and done it all. We no longer expect an adoption to take place.
Can you tell us where you are from? Maybe our RRT in your state can troubleshoot for you. Please don't give up. Not all caseworkers will work with you in the way you have experienced. If you are willing to share a bit more of your story, we are willing to help you.
Anon from Aug 4
What state are you dealing with and are there other agency options available for you? I have said this before, the system itself is negative and faulty and it does not help the children find families when inept adoption workers get into the loop. They are supposed to be supportive and positive, not undermining your goals.
I would suggest that if you are in a state where you have no other options with changing agencies to step on some toes. Write elected officials, after all, if the agency is state run then they are state funded. Also, alert the press. At this point in time, it doesnt sound as if your current status is going to be productive as far as finding and adopting a child so what do you have to lose? Make a stink and hit the agency where it hurts the most, publicity and funding. Just the threat of doing this might be enough for this agency to re-think how they are dealing with you. Every caseworker out there wants to know that the adoptive parents are willing to go to extremes to advocate for their children so advocating for your rights is a step to show them that you wont just sit back and take this type of treatment. Also, use this site and the resources here to assist you.
Good luck and dont give up yet. You can, if you contact the right people, set things straight.
Hello! My husband and I have also been waiting for almost 2 years now to adopt! :(
I have easily spent multiple 100's of hours looking at the various adoption sites and have sent out dozens upon dozens of inquiries throughout the country on the children that have been photo-listed or featured on Wednesday's child and other similar sites.
On a few occasions I have been told that we have been considered as a possible family from some agencies (both in and outside of my state)but for whatever reason we were not chosen.
Also, it seems that when we've inquired about children in PA, NOBODY ever gets back to our inquiries. I thought possibly it might be that they only delt directly with agency contacts, but apparently they don't return any contact back with them either.
Another question I have is, why caseworker's for the children listed on the Adopt Us Kids site do not contact me or our listed caseworker for our homestudy? They typically say, please send homestudy. If after reading our profile and they think that we might be a possible match, do they have that ability to contact us?
I also agree with another post I read on one of the blogs, regarding if it might be possible for a prospective family to enter in activities and hobbies, etc of the children that might match up to the interests that the prospective family has. I think this would be so helpful!
Back to the topic of still waiting for an adoptive match...
Last year we were contacted on 3 occasions about children (including one group of 3 sibs)and all were in Texas... but we felt that their diagnosis were not something we felt comfortable taking on as first time parents. And on a few other occasions we heard that we were considered but not chosen.
(Texas seems to be the only state that consistently seems to notify us about children that we inquired about when they are subsequently placed when we have not been chosen.)
So...Since we were having no luck with our adoption search and was forced to search on my own, as our county DSS adoption group ignored our homestudy - this was after the case worker who home studied us submitted it to them on multiple occasions! Not one person from the adoption group in DSS attempted to initiate contact with us...even after I contacted them and left messages-
I then applied to Adopt America Network and they have been very helpful in sending out our homestudy on our behalf! (..as has our county foster placement case worker who home studied us...even though it is not something that she should be burdened with when there is another group supposedly dedicated to finding adoptive homes for children in their care! ...but she feels strongly that we would be a great family for a child (or children)... Unfortunately for her, at this point, I still am not comfortable with the idea of solely providing foster care, but we have provided respite care and have said that we would accept an at risk pre-adoptive placement.
...Yesterday, I finally got in contact with one of the DSS case managers for a prior respite child that we cared for (it was regarding getting toys back to the child that we still had at our house, and we had not provided care for her in months)...after playing phone tag with her for a couple of weeks, I was contacted by the new case management DSS worker (her case had since been transferred to the adoption group)and this caseworker told me that she would keep us in mind regarding possible placements for her kids as our home study case worker spoke highly of us... and she also said that she would try to find out the status of another pair of sibs that our foster/home study caseworker told me may be in need of a pre-adoptive home if no kinship family could be located for them. (I'm almost scared to get my hopes up about possibly thinking that after all this time, that somebody with the adoption group in our County might finally be willing and able to help us!!!)
And now the kicker, I also had a voice mail message from an agency in FL about a sib pair of brothers that we inquired about, to please contact them. So...I'm not sure if that means that our family may be considered or if they are going to tell us that they have not chosen us...and if they have chosen us as a possible family, I hope that when we get more details that their needs won't be such that we won't feel comfortable with taking them on as first time parents.
Please forgive the fact that I jumped from one topic to another, but I guess I needed to vent.
It's been a frustrating process and sometimes I wonder if we should have just tried harder to get pregnant since that would only have taken 9 months!
August 8 comment
This may sound horrible but I am so glad to hear that others are not receiving responses from PA!! It seems to be across the board whether from PA or not.
Second, I do think caseworkers have the ability to contact you personally but it is a time saver for them to request your study be sent using this site. Some caseworkers I am sure read the family profiles but one needs to remember that those are written by the family and may indeed vary from the home study itself. Again, it is also a matter of which state and how things are done in that state. When I make an inquiry, I had quite a long MY LIST until recently, I simply noted the info and sent a list of workers and the info they requested to my worker and she forwarded the studies. I would seem that if all caseworkers would read the profile we could save a lot of trees by not using paper that isnt needed!!
Third, you commented on a comment I had made about having your hobbies, etc listed in your home study. I guess I am spoiled by my worker because it would never occur to me that this very important information WOULD NOT be included in one's study!! LOL
Chmae
To the person asking about sibling adoptions –
Keeping sibling groups together, or at least in contact with each other, has become a more critical consideration in recent years as we have learned about the importance of the bond between siblings. While it has always been an ideal in the past, the realities of the availability of appropriate homes, especially in emergency situations and with large sibling groups, hasn’t always made it possible for siblings to stay together. When resource homes (formerly called foster homes) are limited to six children under the age of 18, including a family’s own children, it is challenging to find a home that can accommodate a large sibling group. Consequently, it usually meant a sibling group would be placed in different homes. If they were placed in different resource homes, it was quite possible they would be adopted by different resource families. It is also possible that siblings became available for adoption at different times as birth parents voluntarily relinquished rights for one child but not the others or workers didn’t have sufficient grounds for terminating rights for the entire group or, as in your case, a birth parent may voluntarily place a child with a relative instead of with the siblings.
When siblings are placed with different resource families the agency has to make some tough decisions. Should they disrupt the secure, stable home of some of the siblings in order to keep the siblings together or let the children be adopted by their respective resource families and hope the families will voluntarily keep the siblings in touch with each other? However, today’s best practice standards dictate that if the sibling group has been in placement together they are to stay together even if that means searching for a new home because the resource family will only commit to adopting some of the siblings. Of course, such a move will need to be carefully orchestrated to keep the trauma of separation to a minimum for the children, especially for the younger children who may never have known any other family. It is impossible to guess why a particular agency made the decision they did in a particular case but it is quite possible that the decision that had to be made does not reflect an agency’s stance on sibling placements. Most workers – and the agencies – care very much about making the best possible decisions for the children in their care.
As for your personal situation, it might help you to know there is pending legislation that will expand the right for an adoptee wanting to search for their birth family to include siblings. Hopefully, that will help your children have an easier time locating and making contact with their sibling in the future.
Sue Zola, RRT from PA.
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