Just as children who need adoptive families have a variety of experiences and needs, so too do the families seeking to adopt these children bring with them a wide variety of experiences and characteristics. Some families pursue adoption as an alternative to having birth children, often after learning of their infertility, while other families pursue adoption when some or all of their children have grown up and left home. When you are seeking to adopt or simply exploring the option, no matter what your experiences or motivations, your adoption worker will want to explore with you how you have addressed and come to terms with any losses you have had.
Let's talk here specifically about your decision to pursue adoption after some or all of your children have grown up and left home. What motivates you at this stage in your life to adopt? How could these life experiences benefit you as an adoptive parent? How could they benefit a child placed with you for adoption?
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We are an "empty nest" adoptive family. When my youngest was 17 I knew I wasn't finished being a mom. I like the job! We had pursued adoption many years before when our kids were young, but this ended in a disruption. (Rad child that was older than our bio. kids.) We called CPS only to find that our adoption worker was now supervisor and remembered us. We were very involved in the support group and anything adoptive when we were involved before.
We came in did a mini class and started filling paper work out. I also connected on line with an awesome support system and really started educating my husband and mainly me about the issues that adoptive kids will come with.
We started in August and our sibling group was placed in March. Because I was a experienced parent and because of my on line education I am a much different parent this time than when my bio's were younger.
I can see a much bigger picture this time than when I was a new mom with my kids the first time. Stuff that I thought was very important I see now as not worth the fight. I do see other stuff that last time wasn't important that I go to battle on. I guess I choose my battles from a different prospective.
After 3 years of being an adoptive family with 2 bio's and 3 younger adoptive siblings we added a 16 yo girl 2 weeks ago. She is the oldest at home. Things are going well. While I haven't parented a 16 yo girl, I have experienced that age in boys. I do feel that without both my earlier parenting experience and my wonderful on line family I would not have the knowledge to take on a 16 yo.
I also have a lot better knowledge of the issues I am able to deal with and can help a child deal with and issues that I know are above me or so far beyond my comfort zone I couldn't parent them well.
Adoption isn't a "just do it" choice, but educate yourself and your family then DO IT! It is wonderful!
Nola
I dont know that I have ever truly had an "empty nest" as my kids kept returning home but I will try to comment. LOL
I have wanted to adopt a child or children ever since I can remember. I had considered it years ago, but my youngest son is Bi-Polar and I knew the teen years were going to be especially sensitive so decided to put adoption on the back burner until he was grown as I felt I needed the focus to be on him at that time.
I believe I had about 6-8 months of living alone when I realized that I just plain missed having children in the house. For the majority of my adult life I have worked with children in some capacity and with the experience I have had with my own as well as with employment, I came to a point that I felt that I could parent children with special needs, children who needed a home and family.
I did consider that I may have just needed to "adjust" to being without children in the home but quite honestly, I was miserable. I enjoy what I call the "positive chaos" of a full house. I then decided to go back to foster care but found that I still wasnt totally happy and found it more and more difficult to let go when the children left my home. It was then I made the final decision to pursue adoption.
I KNOW that I am much more patient than I was in my younger years and more able to tolerate differences in people, including children than in the past. I felt that with my degree in Psychology and the one on one experience I had with children with behavioral issues would be a valuable asset for any child that came into my family. And, having been a single parent for most of my bio kids lives I did not think that being single would interfere with an adopted child.
There werent really any hobbies or outside activities that I am interested in and do that children cannot also do. Camping, fishing, swimming, races, etc. and I knew not only would the children benefit from these activities but that I would benefit from having the children particpate with me. In fact, I think sometimes I find more pleasure watching them enjoy the races or going camping than I actually get from the activity myself. I had the time, the love, the dedication and the experience and with a couple of pushes from friends decided it truly was something I wanted to do.
While I am healthy and the women in our family, paternal and maternal, have long life spans, I was concerned that being of an "advanced" age would I be around to see my new family grow? It didnt take long for me to realize that I most likely would be around another 20 years and that my chances of dying in a car accident or something of that nature were the same as someone much younger. I think I have just possibly taken more detailed steps towards seeing that the children will have a home if something would happen to me.
I think my children have given to me, in some ways, much more than I have given them. With all of them having special needs, Autism, Aspergers, etc they have a way of seeing the world in a very simple manner and I have again begun to appreciate the simpler pleasures in life, like a sunset or feeding the ducks at the river. And, I think for the children that I have adopted, living in a more structured and routine household has it's benefits for them. I think about when I was working full time and my kids were in school, sports, etc and all of the running and variances in our schedule would have been a disruptive force for them had they been with me then instead of now.
I think adoption has been mutually beneficial for us all and I am still looking to make the family a little larger. It is rewarding for me and they are just blossoming here. They dont seem to take issue with the fact that I am a grandma or older, but then, to them I am just MOM. I like being MOM and wanted to continue parenting. That really was the motivating factor for me.
Chmae
These sound like ME! I too am an older adoptive Mom.I am also Grandma to 5 and two on the way. I raised 6 birth-children to adult hood and when the last two were teens and I was spending more and more time alone, I decided that I would see if there were any little ones out there that needed ME.Well lo and behold---there were and are. Nine years ago I adopted my first , a beautiful red-headed toddler with Fetal alcohol syndrome---ever since, my home has never been too quiet again! Two years later came My little guy with severe medical problems. He is my pride and joy. It was not known if he would live through the adoption process, but 7 years later, he is still my baby !A few years later came no. 3 ,my precious , now 9 year old with the capabilities of a toddler---how can one stop pursuing adoption while there are just so many kids that need a loving home? Many people say, "oh I just couldn't do what you do," and that is precisely why I do it. I can! and I LOVE being a Mom!I never felt fulfillment in any other area of life. I too, love to have the company of my kiddos when I go camping , to the county fairs, shopping or where ever. I now have a 3 year old and his 1 year old sister whom I hope to adopt within the year. The kids keep me young, give me a purpose and make me so very happy! My hope for them is that they feel wanted, loved and a part of a family---A BIG ONE HERE! Carol
Our family has 5 kids altogether ranging from 21 down to 18 months. Two of them are step-daughters, 2 are our biological children, and one we adopted 16 months ago at birth.
My husband and I had 2 of our own. They were not the best births, but after Mackenzie, we decided not to have anymore of our own.
We have also been foster parents for several years. Even though we never really got emotionally attached to any of the children, we always felt and treated them as our own. Over the years, it made us wonder about adoption.
Our adoption process was not the easiest one I have seen, but through all we went through, we still felt inspired to keep trying.
At last we adopted Galan at birth which was a combination of a State adoption/birth Mom adoption through a "bridge" adoption between 2 agencies.
We adopted not only because we could not have anymore, but also for the mere fact that there are 14,000 children in our State alone that need a good stable home with structure, love and family. We knew that we could give that to another child.
Today, we could not see our family without him, and often wonder where he would be if he did not have us!
Jamie
We have 2 birth kids that are out of the home, ages 19 and 28. We adopted 2 more kids that are now 11 and 7 and we are hoping and praying to adopt our youngest foster-son who is one year old. We would like to adopt again, this time an older child, maybe a teenager. It is extremely hard for us to ignore the fact that there are many, many children waiting for families. In addition to that, we enjoy kids, spending time with them, teaching and nurturing them, and leading them into adulthood. We get as much from them as we give to them in the blessings they bring to our home and family. They definitely help keep us active and add so much fun to our lives. And we have had some experience now raising kids to adulthood so we can use that to help with our younger children. As we grow older we just appreciate kids more and more and desire to pour our lives into them. And by the grace of God we will continue to parent more children as He sees fit to bring to our "nest."
Speaking from someone who's trying to build their nest, it's wonderful to hear a story from someone who's willing to give their retirment years to someone else.
On the other hand, in my opinion, small children should be raised by younger parents. The child disserves parents who can keep up with them and raise them normally, not as grandparents. If my parents raised my kids, they'd get away with anything. Many children in the system need very clear and consistent rules with consistent consequences. Rules keep the child from feeling jostled back and forth.
Truthfully, these feelings stem back to a hard experiance I've recently faced. I'm 29 and my husband is 28. We fostered a beautiful girl who was almost 2 years old. We had to give her to a family who was old enough to be her grandparents and who's health isn't all that good either. They have a longer past with her and that's the reason she's going to them. I can't help but wonder what her life would be like when she's 18 with them comparred to her life with us. You see, we can take her swimming and chase her in the park. We can run her back and forth and stay up with her for hours while she completes her homework. We can take her on ski trips and go down the slope with her. The list goes on and on. If there is a younger couple with just as much to offer and more, it they should at least be considered for the childs sake.
I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings especially those who love their children down to the very bottom of their hearts. I'm just from a different perspective.
I would just like to respond to the comment about younger parents raising younger children. I realize you did not mean to offend and I take no offense but I would like to state my side of the issue.
I am 56 years old, have 7 grandchildren ranging in age from 9 months to age 18 and my 18 yr old granddaughter, while I wish she would have waited, just gave me a great grandson. I have adopted three boys who are ages 13, 11 and one who just turned 5. I am in the process of being placed with two brothers who have physical handicaps. They are under 5. Also, I have partial custody of my 2 1/2 yr old grandson who I raised from 6 months old until age 2. And, I would state that at some point I fully intend to search, finally, for a daughter, probably teen age. Oh, I am also a single parent.
While I am older and somewhat out of shape I have no problem keeping up with any of my children or grandchildren. I take them to the park, the amusement park, the zoo, tent camping and fishing among other activities. There may be some things that I dont do quite as quickly and gingerly as I did 20 years ago but I am still going strong. Just recently I laid a new kitchen floor as well as put up dry wall with very little assistance from anyone else. That is not to mention all of the painting and other renovations I do plus mowing a yard with a walking mower. I also have two dogs, a cat and a parrot that I manage to keep up with as well.
It is unfair to assume that just because we are grandparents that we treat our children the same as we treat our grandchildren. I am a typical grandparent as when it is reasonable I do spoil my grandchildren. Well, I also in some respects spoil my children. I love being a Mom and I take the job very seriously, in fact, I at times have been told that I might be a little too strict and structured and this was told to me by my 38 yr old son who is raising his own children with less consistency and structure than I do. I have much experience raising children who require more than normal parenting as well as working with children and in the MH/Mr field has been my choice of career for most of my adult life.
I very carefully considered every aspect of taking on younger children at my "advanced" age and feel confident that there is no reason I cannot do so. It is true that I have taken steps that some younger parents may not have taken to insure the boys have someone if something were to happen to me. It was not a decision I took lightly.
I will also say that there is nothing "abnormal" about the way I am raising my children. They have love, structure, consistency and enjoy many, many activities. I stay up all night with them if they are ill, I take them on trips to see NASCAR races, we not only enjoy many activities we do as a family unit but each of my children have their own interests that we attend too. I honestly dont even think that my adoptive children have ever considered age an issue and they proudly introduce me to people as their Mom.
It is unfortunate that people have this attitude towards older parents as do some caseworkers. Yes, I am older, but as I have said before, a couple in their 30's could die in a car accident just as easily as I could. I am relatively healthy, thank heavens, and if I were not, I would not have been selfish enough to bring these children into my home and family. Except for the skiing you mentioned ( as I have never been good at tolerating the cold) there is nothing that you could do with a child that I cannot. However, whether I hate the cold or not, if one of my kids wanted to ski, I would see to it they had the chance.
My children keep me young and keep me busy. I love every minute of it. I feel better having my children now that I had in years once my own 4 sons grew up and went out on their own.
I understand that you are upset at the loss of the child you wanted so badly and I feel for you. I had done foster care for many years and there were many children who came thru my home that I would have loved to be able to provide a permanent home but it just didnt work out that way. We all have a tendency to feel that we would in fact be the best fit for the children we have had in our homes but it is not our place to make that decision, but we have to learn to accept that decision when it is made.
I think the most important thing for these children is that they are in a home where they are loved and wanted and recieve the stability they deserve and need. I dont know that age plays a factor in that. And, again, while I really dont take offense to your statement as you have a right to your opinion, I felt the need to express my thoughts on your comments.
Chmae
I was only capable of having one birth child. I had spent many years in the Corporate rat-race and decided it was time to give back to the local/global community. I needed to be in foster care as a child--but never was; however, a dear woman that always leant me her ear and heart was a foster parent. I called her and thanked her when I became a therapeutic foster parent to teen-aged girls. I was only going to do respite (afraid of the commitment!) Four years ago, I adopted a 16 year old girl with very special needs. I now have a legal risk child in my home, but I will adopt her if she becomes available for adoption. I don't know how many children I will adopt. It will be a surprise! May God's blessings be with us all!
I understand clittle's frustrations in her situation. Although, I think her opinion comes entirely from personal situation. Unfair as it may be for the clittle not to have been considered for the child, it may be just as unfair to state that "smaller children should be raised by younger parents." This attempts to categorize things in a universal way. It is like saying that only couples should raise younger children but a single person should not. Or a girl (or boy) should be raised by a single mother (or couple) but not necessarily by a single father or vise versa. Despite the struggles we face within our own situations that may seem unfair, and rightly so, it does not necessarily mean that things should be categorized a certain way. Perhaps the worker had two contrasting strengths to consider: 1) a younger set of parents and (2) a parent well known by the child and the child's biological relatives for many years. Perhaps you can arrange to be in the child’s life – ask the caseworker. But regardless, I do feel your pain and hope that the pain is somewhat relieved by the introduction of another child(ren) in your lives and soon.
Thank you to all who have read and replied to my comments. As I have stated in my previous note, my feelings do come from my situation. I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I know there is a good plan out there for me and I'm learning so much.
I just wanted to bring up the possibilty that maybe younger is better. This is relative to the person doing the adopting. This idea is also relative to me who would like to be around for grandchildren and even great grandchildren. I have been able to know and be influenced by my own great grandparents and what a testimony they were!
Please take what I have to say with a grane of salt. You all have my respect and I apologize to those who may have been hurt or discouraged by my opinion.
clittle
Chmae here
I was not upset nor offended by your comments. My response was only to present the way I see the situation and how I have dealt with my personal issues. Please dont feel that you upset me since I replied as I am a very confident and secure person and would not let such a thing personally bother me. I just felt it was worthy of a response since I feel that many caseworkers also share you viewpoint and I dont think that it is fair to judge people across the board rather than as individuals. Thank God there are people out there who dont do that or I would not be blessed with my sons nor would I be placed with my adorable toddlers that are coming in the near future.
I do feel for you and your situation. As I had said before I have been in similar situations myself on different ocassions and it is not easy. You will find you child(ren) and have a wonderful family someday. Hang in there.
Chmae
As one of the "older" adoptive moms I wanted to share that if we had enough young adoptive parents then MAYBE it would be better to have a young family. I don't think a young inexperienced family is right for all kids though. Even some of the younger kids come with some very tough issues that age, parenting, and wisdom help us parent better.
As a "young" parent we tried to adopt. The child was 10 and RAD. Not that we knew that. After having her for a year as a foster to adopt we disrupted due to us not being able to parent her in the way she needed. Fast fwd 10-12 years. We are seasoned parents of young adults, 17 and 19. We adopted 3 siblings 4-9. Because of our past parenting skills we have been able to impact their lives in ways that as young parents we couldn't. This group included a 8 yo RAD girl.
Past experience and maturity on our part has made us much better and more capable parents. I agree the energy of youth is wonderful for busy kids, but the wisdom of maturity has a place too. I think kids most of all need real parents and the stability that brings.
This is just my two cents.
Nola
I just want to add my 2 cents worth on the age issue. Or, maybe 3 cents.
Cent #1 - I am a 54-year-old prospective parent, and I don't feel old.
Cent #2 - I teach PE to as many as 35 kids at a time at an elementary school. The first couple of months and last couple of months of the school year are hot and humid, and I am out there several hours a day. I manage to keep up with these age 5 - 11 kids, and even run with them sometimes.
Cent #3 - Please keep in mind that with age comes wisdom (usually). People of "advanced" age may avoid the mistakes that younger people may make, regardless of how old the children are. This is especially true of those who have prior parenting experience.
I know that clittle's remarks were well-intended, and I am not offended by them. I just wanted to offer some food for thought.
Hello, I am 62 years old and still adopting...We have a 10 year old and an 8 year old that we adopted at birth. Now, through the foster system, we have a special needs 15 year old that we adore. We are hoping to adopt his 3 siblings as well.
I just don't feel old. I think that I have a lot to give to these little kids. They are my loves.
I probably will never truely retire. I did that before we adopted and it was somewhat boring. Having/raising children is certainly not boring.
My 15 year old said that his caseworker and other people who helped with his adoption, called his adoption a "second chance". It really is for him and so many others. He is the "poster child" for foster kids. He is happy and we are happy with the relationship we have been blessed to make.Some babies and children do need a "second chance" and my husband and I are happy to do that for them. And, we gain some much from the kids as well.
I just think that older parents are great!!
Thanks for listening. Leigh
I am 39, single and just adopted a 9 year old and his 17 month half sister,, I have had my son for two years, my daughter since birth. I also have a college aged daughter, and a 15 year old daughter. I became a foster parent because God had placed the need in my heart along time ago,, and my children told me I needed a "new" baby, they were tired of me mothering them so much!!LOL,, so when these two foster children could not go home, I adopted them! I know so much more now and appreciate my toddler so much more then I did my biological children at this age. It has been great! We go swimming, sledding, play in the rain,, all the stuff younger parents do too! What better way to enjoy life then with kids!
We are an adoptive family, 9 bios between us, and 5 adoptive.. will be 6 in NOvember. I dont even think of our children as a large group, they are just "my kids". I do;however, get the 'looks' when we are out. People think we are crazy, but it is a passion. Like Nola, our parenting skills are better now, with all the training and looking at the world through the eyes of our children. The key is to love the child and not to judge the behaviors.. the behaviors do not make the child..
we became foster parents 9years ago. After 4 years of fostering we decided to adopt..Just one, we said.. We are about to finalize our sixth adoption. It is amazing the rewards we recieve as parents of special needs children.. We now have 15 children, seven at home.. We are hopeful to adopt again in the future. When people ask us "WHY!?" I can only say that some people are called to serve God, some to serve our country, we have a calling to provide loving, stable FOREVER homes to children..
My husband and I have "an empty nest " right now. WE just "lost" our 2 foster kids. We cried for days! Everything is sooo quiet around here. We really miss them badly! We felt like we would have been a better choice than their birth families, but it wasn't up to us to decide that. We just had to look at it as we done the best we could for over a year in the children's lives and it was their time to be reunited with their birth families.
I'd like to know how you all even get to the adoption stage. My husband and I have been licensed for several years. We have expressed interests in several children on here and haven't had any luck. Our local agency knows our main goal is adoption and always tells us that there are way more prospective adoptive parents out there than there is children to go around. We have even tried interstate adoption interests with no luck. We have fostered 2 adorable boys who were both returned to their families. That just broke our heart. We just hope and pray that we will find a right match and that we get to adopt a child soon! We look on adoptuskids daily, express our interests, and hopefully we will be selected soon! Some days I feel like I could take all of them! I just wish I could.
Anon who just "lost" foster kids
It may drive your adoption worker "mad" but I truly feel the best way to get your study out there and be selected is to inquire about as many children as possible that remotely fit your preferences. The more your study goes out the more likely it is that you will find a caseworker who is drawn to you. Also, I would check on Adopt America Network and register with them as they do a great job at getting your study out there.
There are some states and caseworkers that will keep you study on file and actually will think of you when placing children in the future. They cannot do this if they dont have your study!!! So, inquire, inquire , inquire and eventually you will get results.
To all the empty nesters out there. I too was an empty nester, I am 46 and my youngest is 20. So at the age of 44 I became an empty nester. I now have adopted and am raising my first and only grandchild, after raising 5 biological children to adulthood. My daughter is 17 months old(granddaughter) and I would like to raise her with siblings. being a "mom" is the best thing I have ever done and the most important job in my life. I am a registered nurse but I believe my gift from God is to be a mom so my husband(who by the way is younger than I) have decided to do the foster to adopt program in Indiana. We are excited about this chance to help the many children out there while teaching our daughter the importance of family and siblings. I may be a grandparent but I definitely am not old and I am much more patient and have more wisdom the second time around. I know some of you are frustrated with the system but let go and let God and he will provide a child with the love he deserves in your arms when it is time...and the right child.
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