It is more common today than ever before for single adults to adopt and provide foster care for children. Although many singles have adopted children from foster care and are successfully parenting them, some agencies are hesitant to place children with single persons. Once the family profile had been completed, single prospective parents need to be proactive in following up with their caseworker. Be prepared to talk about the support services you have in place. Maintaining current training is also vital! Although single parenting brings unique challenges, it also is very rewarding. Let’s talk here about some of the issues you have faced or are preparing to face as a single adoptive or foster parent. Let’s also share resources and ideas!
If you are a single person who is pursuing adoption or foster care and have questions, contact us at 1-888-200-4005 or info@adoptuskids.org.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
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Hi All
Chmae here. I like this category because I feel as though I am an expert!!! Due to unfortunate cirucmstances, I was a single parent with my oldest children as they had a father who basically disappeared and with my second set of bio children even though for some years the father was in the home he was always and remains an "absent father". (They are 23 and 22 now so they have learned to deal with the situation) I have never known any other way to parent except for being a single parent.
I hear all the time how difficult it is and how awed people are at times over this but I dont see it as anything out of the norm for myself. I dont see is as extra work or extra juggling of schedules. It is just the way things are and have always been and as a parent, even a single parent, you do what you need to do to raise your children and give them your best. That is all any parent can do whether single or not.
Honestly, I havent personally run into many situations concerning my "single" status that I felt were discriminatory or unjustified. The only issue I feel I have really dealt with that may have been overly emphasized with me are workers who want to be assured that the children I have adopted, and continue to adopt, have family who are designated to be their providers if something were to happen to me. (Did I forget to mention that I am also of "advanced" age!! LOL) (On the other hand, I think all parents, whether they have adoptive or bio children should have a plan in place regardless of their age or marital status.) I have never felt singled out by this as I have those plans in place as well as in my opinion it would be irresponsible for professionals NOT to question this.
I have been told by caseworkers that the children want a two parent family and considering it is what the children want and desire I do not take offense to that or feel singled out.
What I do think is unfair are the caseworkers out there who do in fact strive for the ideal of two parents. Realistically, while I understand wanting more for the children on their caseloads, with the divorce rate as it is and with so many absentee fathers out there many of these children, even if they were somehow to be returned to their bio family, would be in single parent homes. I would hate to think that there are children in foster homes that may remain there for an unnecessarily long time just because a caseworker prefers two parents vs one.
I can tell you one advantage, when you are a single parent I feel there are times when it is easier to remain consistent and structured. I do not have a partner with which to debate if a consequence is proper or for the child to run and try to play both sides of the fence!!! LOL
Being a single parent for most of my adult life I have learned over the years, although it has been an ongoing process, to MAKE time for myself and to know my limits and when I need a break. I have family and friends both that understand this and that know when I ask for their assistance that I truly need a break or I would not be asking. I have learned over the years to effectively "juggle" schedules and prioritize. All of this now seems second nature to me and I sometimes am baffled when someone comments to me about how difficult it must be for me.
I think the most important thing I stress to everyone is this isnt "work" for me. It doesnt burden me, doesnt restrict me and certainly doesnt bother me in anyway. I just do what I do, I enjoy doing it and I cant imagine life without children in the house.
So while I do understand the concerns on the part of the caseworkers I really have found that by just being honest with them that they, for the most part, can put their concerns on the back burner and consider me for the parent that I am and will continue to be and NOT as just a "single" parent.
I dont know this from experience but would imagine a single female or male attempting to adopt who are "new" parents may in fact have to deal with issues that I as an experienced single parent have not. I would surmise that there may be caseworkers who might scrutinize a younger couple with not parenting experience also.
All in all, I would hope that for the sake of the children that most caseworkers would in fact consider each parent(s) based on who they are and what they have to offer a child,
I do not have an issue with a girl who says she really wants a mom, or who for specific reasons stated by her worker would be best placed with a mom. I only have a problem with workers who asume that a single dad lacks the competency to raise a girl, particularly during puberty and adolescence.
I have been attempting to adopt for 5 years. While it is true that I really want a daughter, as I am the "doting daddy" type that many girls respond warmly to, I have also inquired about brother/sister combinations. Yet, with all of my inquiries, I have rarely been contacted by a worker.
Like Chmae, I am of "advanced age," although I still feel young. As an elementary school PE teacher, I keep up with kids all day long - in the Florida heat and humidity. I have never been a parent, but being a school teacher has honed my management skills. I have had parents watch me then comment that they could never do what I do. Therefore, I believe that I could handle single parenting.
I have been with the same agency for the entire 5 years, and can count on one finger the number of times that they have asked if I would consider someone in their custody. I can't go to another agency because there is no other agency in my state circuit. I've been told that a home study in Florida must be done by a local agency. Perhaps the state RRO can confirm whether or not this is true.
I have been seriously considered 9 times - all but one of those times included at least one girl - and two of those times I was the one who backed out because I just didn't think it was the right situation for me to handle. The other times: a boy rejected me the day he met me without explanation; the agency pulled out at the recommendation of the house mother of one of the girls; the grandparents came forward and wanted the kids; the foster mom wanted the kids; one of the girls wanted a mom; the boy insisted on having Afro/Amer parents; the kids didn't want to move out of the city that they live in.
Nine times in 5 years, in light of the number of children who need homes, is very slow progress. I can only guess how many times my inquiries have not been answered simply because I am a single man, especially one who wants a daughter.
Well, that's my story so far. Some might say that I'm being too stubborn, asking why don't I just find a nice little boy to adopt. Boys can be fun, after all. My answer is, while I can enjoy a boy, my passion is to raise girls, showing them a father's love the way that it is supposed to be shown, so that they will respect themselves enough to seek the right kind of boys to date and the right kind of man to marry.
I'm sorry that I can't be more encouraging to other single adults, but reality is what it is.
Single Man
I feel for you and do think that being a single man it is much more difficult for you than it is for a single woman. I cannot honestly offer you any advice as I have never walked in your shoes.
It is a shame that the workers you have come in contact with dont know you a little better. Your sense of humor is great, you sarcasm is wonderful and you have so much love and compassion to offer a child(ren). "Advanced" age or not, I believe that you have a lot to offer and hope that someday a worker out there recognizes that. I wish there was something I could do to help. All I or anyone can do is let you know we are here for you and support you in your attempt to find the right children to parent. I have no doubt that once that happens that the children will have been most fortunate to have found you.
I will say, to add to my first comment, that I do not receive consideration for children who dont have some serious issues or who are difficult to place. This actually works out fine for me as those are exactly the type of children that I want and am willing to parent. The point is that every child that I have been seriously considered for are children that are considered extremely difficult to place. Not once have I been asked to take a child or children who are even remotely near what one would deem "normal". I question that and wonder if I had preferences other than those that I do, would I have any children right now? Would my age and single status have kept me from being matched? I love my kids and would not trade them for the world and I did not take them simply to have children but because they are the kind of children that I know I am meant to parent this time around.
I hope that the RRT for your state can answer your question concerning your agency. It has been a long road for you and if there is another option I am sure that you would seriously consider it. In the meantime, please hang in there and let us know how it is going.
Chmae
I am not sure where to post this but wanted to update everyone. I posted last month about a situation here in PA where 13 children were living in a home, the "mother" died and the "father" could no longer deal with the children at which time they were placed elsewhere and it was learned in their new placements that the "parents" had been sexually abusing the children.
I just wanted to let everyone know that as of last Friday this pervert was indeed arrested and is in jail. His bond has been set very high and most think that there is no way he will be able to bail out. Also, through interviews with the children, etc there are many, many unanswered questions as to why the county in question seemed to ignore the situation and this is also being investigated. Hopefully there will be justice for these children in the way of this man doing some serious jail time as well as the agency personnel being held accountable if appropriate.
Chmae
To the single man:
I am sorry you've endured this for so long. I will say that for some reason, it does sound a little odd when a man says those things. I'm not *at all* indicating that it's okay to have that prejudice, but it is there. You said:
"...showing them a father's love the way that it is supposed to be shown, so that they will respect themselves enough to seek the right kind of boys to date and the right kind of man to marry."
That sounds creepy. I don't know why, since those are noble goals, but I think anytime a man focuses so much on a girl's love life (ie, dating and marriage), there's an element of dismay.
I am not in any way suggesting you are a pervert. I'm just saying that there is something off in the way that sounds.
I just wanted to state that I think Single Man who is a teacher and has been so many years probably knows the statistics on girls who either are not raised with fathers in the home, have emotionally absent fathers or who live with abusive fathers.
Statistics show that girls who grow up with a father who is supportive and loving are much less likely to become involved in abusive relationships of their own. The father presents a role model that when the model is good, represents for the girl what qualities she looks for in a man.
I think we should not pre judge any male who would like daughters as we dont know all of the facts. It could well be that this person has sisters or female relatives that have been mistreated by fathers or father figures and he has witnessed what the consequences are.
Again, over the years we have seen many more women sexually abusing younger boys thus I dont know how we or the system could justify discriminating against men only. The same attitudes could apply to women who choose only to adopt boys and not girls. If we are going to "label' then I fel it should be done across the board.
For anyone who has read the blogs from Single Man in the past one would know that he is of "advanced" age and has been a teacher for all of his adult life. It is just my opinion that if in fact this man was a pedophile then at some point in time during a 20+ career in teaching and having come in contact with many, many female students that there would have been some event by now.
I we are going to single out single men who want to be fathers to girls, then we should also single out single females who want to be mothers to boys. Maybe we should question every gay couple and not allow gay men to adopt boys and not allow gay woment to adopt girls? Ridiculous. However, I will agree that it is how the system works.
I just feel sad that society is such now that when a man makes a sensitive statement concerning children, be it girls or boys that we find it "creepy" or assume the worst. I know we need to protect our children from the scum out there that do violate them however I dont see that is has anything to do with the sex of the single parent who wants to adopt.
To the anonymous person who responded to me:
Would you think it sounded creepy if a single woman expressed a desire to show boys a mother's love the way that it is supposed to be shown, so that they will respect themselves enough to seek the right kind of girls to date and the right kind of woman to marry?
Keep in mind that boys typically learn more about how to be a gentleman through their mother's insistence on being treated like a lady. Likewise, girls typically learn more about how to be a lady through the actions of their father as he acts like a gentleman and treats her like a lady. Certainly, the same-sex parent sets the example, but the opposite sex parent provides the practice.
As for my comment, it is believed by many experts that girls who have sex with their boyfriends are not seeking sex, but intimacy. When fathers fail to be involved in their daughter's life, providing her with the sense of security that fathers are designed by their Creator to give, girls will go looking for it elsewhere. They need their daddy's attention, his compassion, his hugs, and his bedtime stories. They need to know that he is there for them. That is the kind of love that I am talking about.
I have been at this process for almost 3 years. Single, middle school teacher, camp counselor that lives among kids every summer for over 20 years. Beyond frustrated getting nowhere. Constantly inquiring about kids and getting my foot in the door but my agency and case worker never return phone calls, or forward my home study. In florida, I'm stuck with them and have no options that I'm aware of.
HELP, I am ready, willing and able but can't seem to find a path.
The sad thing that comes to mind with those who are being overlooked by caseworkers due to their gender and their preferences is that there are children out there missing out on what could be a wonderful, loving family and life. That isnt even taking into consideration that there are many people out there overlooked for whatever reason who want so badly to be a parent(s) yet are never given a chance. Shame on those in the system that will not even think "out of the box" and who are so narrowed minded that they give so little or no consideration to those people as they are denying both the child(ren) and the parent(s) a chance at a family based on personal biases and stereotypes.
We all here on the blog have over and over again complained about the treatment and responses we receive from caseworkers. Many of us attempt to continue in the process and give the benefit of the doubt to these workers based on what we know about their tough jobs. I am sure the caseworkers who are doing their jobs in fact feel attacked and unjustifiably stereotyped due to being compared to those we have had bad experiences with. It is no different for those that the system is overlooking based on the same principals.
If an employer discriminated based on the same issues that keep these people from being considered a good parent, one could sue and win. In this system all one can do is complain and hope for the best and that at one point in time a caseworker will read their study and like what they see and place children in their home. There is no recourse for these people as trying to prove that they are being discriminated against in nearly impossible. That, in my opinion, is exactly what it is, too. DISCRIMINATION.
Chmae
I feel for the anonymous person in Florida, as that is where I live, and I know exactly what you are talking about. There really needs to be more freedom in choosing an agency, rather than being required to be "represented" by the ONE AND ONLY agency in the circuit authorized by DCF to conduct home studies of people living in that circuit. I don't know the answer - or if there even is one - but I'm planning to contact the Florida RRT to seek help.
I would like to be able to correspond with you off the blog as well as on. If you are willing, please give your email address to Kate. She already has mine.
Hi all:
I'm a single female and I have no preference in terms of the gender of the children, but I have shied away from older boys because, as a female, I know that I cannot teach them how to be men. The thing I can teach them though is how to be decent, caring, and loving human beings. I can also teach them self respect so that they, in turn, will have respect for others, whether male or female. Luckily, I have male relatives and friends whom I believe are great role models for boys. If I'm fortunate enough to get a sibling grp of older boys, I will get the adult males whom I respect and whom I know are fantastic family men to show the boys the other part of the equation in terms of being men. As a female, I can nurture the boys in my care and I can teach them how to love and to respect themselves so that they will select appropriate mates for themselves in the future. Also, too many people want to adopt girls because they claim that boys are "harder to rear." I think children period are hard to rear. I'm considering taking a sibling grp of boys who are older because boys make up more than half the children in the system. They need and want homes too and I'm sure that they don't care whether they get two parents or one, as long as they have someone in the world who truly loves and cares about them.
This organization is a good resource for single parents looking to adopt.
http://www.adopt.org/assembled/single_parents.html
I think it's always important that we examine the reasons we want to adopt. We may think of the ideal child we want to adopt but that may not be the same child that needs us the most. If you are able, especially after 5 years, it may be time to think of a boy who could use your loving guidance just as much as a little girl.
I am also going through the adoption process as a single woman and am learning lots of patience! ha.
blessings,
SB
Parenting isnt an easy job whether girls or boys. It is hard work and pays off by the joy these children bring to you in the end.
I have to agree that some of the children out there may not need two parents but I think quite often when a caseworker requests two parents, it isnt so much for having both a mother and a father as it is that the children have issues that may require that the parents are able to give each other a break now and then from parenting difficult children. I think at times caseworkers are of the opinion that family supports or support from friends cannot subsitute for having another adult in the household to take over and give immediate assistance or relief if needed.
There are many, many single bio parents out there who are doing a wonderful job and the children are not suffering from having only one parent. There are also many two parent families when one parent is "absent" emotionally and for all intents and purposes the children are living in a one parent home. I think, having been in that situation, that is a more difficult place to be than just being a single parent. There is nothing worse for tthe children or the spouse than to know the other person is there but not interested or involved.
Each family interested in adopting should be considered on a case by case basis not a stereotype. Whether single male or female, married or same sex couples, each family deserves and should have the time taken to carefully review their study and their information taken seriously.
Here is an uplifting story about a dad adopting a boy and his infant sister. :-)
http://adopt.org/wednesdayschild/home/adoption_story_go-for-it.htm
I am single male also trying to either adopt or foster a child, so far without any luck. I told my agency that I would prefer a male child ages 10 and younger. I thought it would be easier to care
for a male child than a female.
One of my concern if I did get a girl is how to handle when the child starts her menstuation cycle and how to prepare her for it.
I was offered several famle foster placements which I declined. One was a 16 girl with a baby. It was a novel idea of having a 16 year with a baby, I thought it would had been too much for me.
To the other single male -
I'm surprised that the foster placement agency offered you girls on several occasions. When I looked into foster care, I was told that single male foster parents were usually offered boys only. I'm also surprised that you haven't had boys placed with you, since you have asked for them.
As for your concern about preparing a girl for starting her period, if you make sure she has trusted female mentors, they can be a big help. Otherwise, you can certainly become knowledgeable enough to teach her in advance about her future development. Don't sell yourself short.
As a single male, I am not oppose in taking in a girl but it does have it's challeges. I requested regular/traditional foster children ages 10 & younger because I didn't think I could handle a special needs foster child since I work full time. Many day cares or after school programs will not take low funcationing or medical complex children. I am not in the position to quit my job to stay home with a child that needs intensive care.
My agency seems to be offereing me noting but special needs children or teens, the opposite that I requested.
My worker has implied that I may get more chances of a foster placement if I am willing to to accept either a male or female child. My worker will be coming sometime in November, perhaps I will tell her that I be willing to take either a male or female under 10.
Oh God, I have to learn to take care of her hair.
As yet another single male, I can relate completely with the theme here. I actually met with an adoption worker for a child recently after insisting I be fairly considered. She stated quite frankly that when my profile first came by her desk, she set it aside without reading it because I was a single man. When she did read it, she found I have far more experience than the vast majority of single women and couples that she reviewed. I've grown up as a bio child in a foster home. I've had nearly 300 foster siblings since age 3 and have extensive experience with the wide range of problems children in foster care tend to have. Yet, as a single male, I'm only forwarded info on teen aged boys that appear to need far more attention and monitoring than one parent - either gender - could maintain. I've got about half a year left on my current home study. I'm strongly leaning towards not renewing it when it expires because I'm just worn out trying to be evaluated on my experience and expertise rather than gender. It's a shame, since I spent most of my late teens and early 20's dedicating a great deal of time helping with foster siblings. The goal than was to learn as much as I could so I'd be a better father when that day came. I'm in early 40's now and add the fact most women I date had children that have grown up and moved out. They're done with parenting, so it appears more and more that day may never be.
I am totially frustrated at this point about getting either a foster or adoptive placement. I started inquiring about adopting kids that were listed on the adoptuskids web site about 13 months ago, and had so far inquired about 15 different kids.
None of these inquires have panned out for various reasons. Some kids, the worker was looking for a two parent family. Some of the kids, the current foster parent decided to adopt the child. On several kids, I was told that another person or couple was selected for a match for that child.
Some of the kids, I decided after getting more information about the child's background, it would it too hard for me to take that child with all their muitiple needs.
A few kids, the child was from downstate and the caseworker didn't want to move the child far from siblings or other relatives.
About a year ago, I had a preplacement visit with a 10 year old boy & his caseworker. I drove 6 hours from my home to the town where the boy was from. We all met at a local park. Within the first few minutes of meeting the child, he told me that his father had sexually abused him when he was 4 (and he was very blunt & descriptive of the details of what had happen to him). I had proposed to the caseworker that I could come for several preplacement visits since the child had trust issues about being placed with a single male, and he didn't know me very well. I didn't think one visit for one hour on a Friday afternoon was enough for him to feel comfortable with me. I think his casworker decided to place him a couple.
I am not sure if I will persue any other kids available for adoption. It has so far has been a fruitless & wasted effort for me.
Six years ago, I decided to pursue adoption. With so many children needing homes, I thought that I'd have children in "no time." Instead, I have had very few responses, even for children who have been posted on the websites for years. A few of them I've inquired about more than once - about 2 or 3 years apart. Yet, I don't even get a response.
If they are having this much trouble placing the child, doesn't it make sense that they would call EVERYONE that has inquired in an effort to give the child a loving home? I can understand if people see the profile and decide against it, but to refuse to even call a prospective parent is grossly failing to serve the child.
I hate to give up, but it just may be true that, when a worker sees the Parent #2 section left blank, they trash the inquiry.
Being a single parent myself, I feel for those of you, male or female, who are what seems being discriminated against. I have already adopted 3 children and am in the process of bringing two more home.
I try when I inquire about children on this site to click on the Profile tab and if it specifically states a two parent family I just dont inquire. I will say that I have inquired about hundreds of children or sib groups over the past few years and do not recall ever knowingly being passed over due to being a single parent. I sometimes wonder if there are not two conditions at play to my advantage, one having raised 4 bio children already as a single parent and the other is having a great adoption worker who represents me well. When I speak with caseworkers they always inquire as to whether I truly think I can handle the children or not but I think that is a question that they would ask of even a two parent family.
I do not disagree that there are caseworkers out there who indeed do discriminate based on one being single but I just personally have never run into this situation. Of course, after hundreds of inquiries and having been selected only three times ( 5 children, 2 sib groups and 1 single child) maybe in fact I have been singled out for being single. A caseworker I am sure would not use that as the only reason that I was not selected when speaking to me or my adoption worker as that, in my mind would be discriminatory. I am also open and prefer parenting children with very unique and special needs and this may be one of the reasons that I was selected for the children that joined our family.
I wonder if the answer for some of you might not to be have a very frank chat with the adoption worker that is representing you. I believe a good, solid home study with an adoption worker who is dedicated to you makes a huge difference and is able to help overcome the negativity some caseworkers feel towards single parents.
I also feel for those who are gay and trying to adopt. I was just reading some election news from various states on this eve of our presidential election and to my horror and surprise I read that on the ballot in Arkansas they are voting on banning same sex couples from adopting. This is just beyond my comprehension that in this day and age a state would insist on returning to such archaic beliefs. I for one hope that this ban does not pass and if it does I hope that someone will take it all the way to the Supreme Court where I am sure it would be overturned. To insist on and fall backwards into such narrow minded thinking will just hinder children finding homes when there are good homes available. People are people, there are good people in the world as well as bad people and while we need to protect the children from those that are in fact bad, we also need to teach them to cherish individuality, whether race, sexual orientation, single/married etc as the wonderful mixture of people who make the world a great place to live.
Hi Anonymous,
Three years is long to be in the adoption process of adopting children from foster care. If you have a copy of your Home Study, work directly with the agency placing the child. Many agencies will accept a copy from the family directly and than verify it with the agency that completed it. If you do not have a copy of your Home Study, request one from your agency. As proactive as you are able to be, will be most helpful in adopoting. Also be sure you have registered on the AdoptUsKids family section.
I am not sure if I am being passed over by some caseworkers because I am single. I do suspect that some caseworkers look more favorably to perceptive adoptive parents that have sucessfully rasied their own bioological children.
Since I am a single male that never had my own kids may not get any consideration beyond a cursory look at my home study. It seems that many workers in the believe single males are only good with teenager boys, and assume that men can only can relate to children that are old enough to talk & play ball with. That isn't always true.
I am male that has worked in the past 6 years in a birth to three early intervention program. That seems to have no bearing to what type of kids being offered to me.
This is a sad situation that many single people find themselves in. I do not understand why any caseworker would rather see a child in foster care then in a loving home even if it is a single parent.
I would love for any caseworker to justify leaving a child in foster care.
Plus, many single people find that they are placed in between a rock and a hard place. You don't want to be a bugaboo by continuing to send inquires to the same kids but you don't want the caseworker to think you are really not interested.
There has to be a better way.
I am a single female parent of an girl adopted from foster care about 1 and a half ago. I was 54 years old when I was matched with my daughter. So I don't think anyone should give up because of marital status or age.
It is beneficial to work with a good agency to help you navigate which states are good to work with and which aren't. I had some disappointments but was matched twice with a child I requested. I just wasn't interested in working with one of the states. There can be a big difference in how well the process goes.
For the single gentleman still trying to adopt, my agency did help a single man adopt a boy about two years ago. I know he is considering adopting again.
As for being a single parent. You do need a good support system for school emergencies, being able to run out and got o a movie or the doctor and so on. Also, you are doing everything - the financial planning and the laundry, paybills and making lunches. So you have to give yourself a break once and a while, and you need to be very organized.
I took me a year to find my daughter. My friends didn't understand why it took so long, afterall there are so many foster care children. But I knew what was important for me in a child. I wrote in my journal what kind of child I wanted. Eventually it happened.
I am glad that there some success stories out there but that seems to the exception not the rule. It has been two years this week that I have been approved to be either a foster or adoptive parent. I live in a large metropolitan area; I had when I started, I assumed that I would had a placement by now.
Perhaps I am just being a grumpy old man.
Want to say hello to everyone on here and want your honest option. I am also a single dad who is seriously considering adoption of an older child (7-12). A little back ground history of me which may help in your comments to me. I am a middle aged man who was married for 20 years and divorced for 3 years. I have two sons, one twenty three who lives with me and a 17 year old son who lives with his mother not far from me. I have raised two fine young men and got to experience what it is like to raise children. My older son who lives with me is a type one diabetic and has been since the age of three. Raising a child at such an early age with diabetes was a learning experience which I feel help make me a better parent. There is nothing on earth worst then seeing one of your children suffer as they go through life. Also both of my sons were classified with learning disabilities from first grade on. It was truly an everyday struggle with school work. But we made it through and I am very proud to say that by tenth grade things started to click for both of my boys. My older son went to Drexel University for electrical engineering. My older son is in the honor society and is going to graduate this year with honors.
I have been giving the adoption idea a lot of though over the past two years. I come from a larger family by today’s standard and remain very close to all of sisters and brother. I love children very much (maybe it is because I come from a loving family) and would really like to give a child an opportunity to be part of a truly loving family. I have a good job and have a great circle of friends. I am very highly thought of by my employer and fellow employees. The company I work for is a large Medical company who supports adoptions and it’s employees who adopts. My question is after reading the other messages on here; I get the impression that I will not be offered the opportunity to adopt a child. I live up in one of the North Eastern states and don’t know if it makes a difference where you live on whether or not you will be considered for adopting a child. My heart truly aches for a lot of these children and I know deep in my heart I would really like to adopt a child. Also is it better to go through an adoption agency or would you recommend going through the states social services? I feel come January I will be ready to start my quest for adoption. Any words of advise would also be appreciated.
Regards
I have noticed that out of all the success stories on Adoptuskids.org not a single on of them is a single parent family. Does that mean there has not been an adoption happen for a single person from the web site?
adoptions by single persons featured on adoptuskids.org: randall, riley, blahnik, rivera, hancock, ledbetter, neville and cooper families.
To Single Dad New to the Blog
I truly believe that single parents who adopt need a strong advocate in whoever they choose as an adoption worker and agency. Of course, I think the people most successful in adopting, regardless of their marital status, are those with an adoption worker who advocates for them as well as them being able to advocate for themselves.
My suggestion to you, if you havent already done so, is to research adoption agencies in your area and actually interview them before you decide which one you are going to use. I try to think of it as a job interview. You are looking for someone to represent you as the parent and assist you in finding the best possible match with a child or children. Have a list of questions and ask each agency those questions. It may in fact take some time for you to do this however, in the end, it will actually be a time saver. Time after time on this site one reads about "wasted" time with an agency and this is something you dont need when it is already a long and frustrating process.
In my opinion one of the most important qualities is honesty and openess. If you get a sales pitch with a worker telling you how easy the process is and/or hedges the difficult questions you ask, I would pass. It is not easy and you need to be informed up front, not add to the frustration by jumping hurdles at every turn with the people who are supposed to be representing you.
There are many questions you could ask, but I think one that is extremely important is whether the agency does out of state placements and the costs involved if they do so. I would also ask the "average" wait time for a child to be placed with you. An agency that tells you it could be a year or even longer is being honest. Go with your instincts, also. If you feel like you are being cut short or the interest in you just isnt there, I would again pass on that agency.
When you get into the process and start looking for children, consider your preferences and be as open to as many different issues as possible. I think from what I have read it is probably safe to say that single men wanting to adopt boys are more likely to find children than single men who specifically want girls. I dont think this is necessarily fair, but I do think it is what it is.
You sound like you have a lot to offer and would make a great parent to a child in the system. Just know that it will mean some frustration and a long wait. It is just part of the system and the way it works.
In reply to the person who asked about successful single parent adoptions on this site, I am one. I found my first two adoptive sons on this site, they were featured sibs, my third came from a foster care setting and I am in the process of bringing home two boys who were found on this site. I have never been featured as a family on this site, by choice, however, I am a success story. Not only am I a single parent but older parent as well. I know that I wouldnt have found my boys had I not used this site.
Hi all,
Our local ARE holds "Single PArent Matching Nights" to showcase kids who would do well with or are willing to accept a single parent.
I've met several single dads (here in NE) who have adopted- though mostly boys. Re: professional prejudice, it does exist and should be challenged politely. The supervisor of my adoption unit at DCF said in a meeting that she would never approve a single man for a daughter. I asked her why she would approve a single mother for a son and she was shocked, she said she had never thought about it and acknowledged it was a possibly unfair prejudice. Stressing your support network might help.
I've been visiting with a teen girl to assess a preadoptive match and she is currently in a very stable two-parent foster family. She would be giving up a lot to move in with me! She has a good connection with them, a sibling, school friends and activities she is doing well with. Moving almost two hours to another part of the state would be a big loss for her. Although I am not comparing adoption to fostering, if she has relationship permanence with them I totally support her being able to keep that and am hoping someone will work with the current family to commit further.
I recognize that for a child with attachment issues, it would be very valuable to have a two-parent relationship modeled in the home, which as a single parent I couldn't currently offer, but that alone would not be sufficient reason for me to feel I wouldn't be a good match for a kid.
Matching-
When I hear people say they are trying to match with a kid off this website, I wonder do you not have state adoption resource exchanges, or a Heart Gallery in your area? The kids in our area who are seriously seeking adoption are not on this website. They are in the CAP books at the library, or in the Heart Gallery, or known only to the social workers working with them.
I don't think I've ever had a "referral" or "offer" so it wouldnt occur to me to wait to be contacted. I've met a ton of kids by going to events, and have pursued and introduced myself to social workers and am getting a sense of who's good to work with and who isn't.
Emergency fostering-
I've started emergency fostering for afterhours and weekends because I heard there was a huge shortage of hotline homes for teens. I LOVE it! I've hosted a couple of great teens already, and plan to continue while I take my time on the next match.
I recommend it for anyone hoping to match with an older kid or teen, it's great experience.
Iam a single 35 year old lady who is trying to adopt but it is so hard for single parents to adopt tell why
I think there are various reasons why adopting as a single parent is a hinderance. In a "perfect" world these "reasons" may be legit however we dont live in a perfect world by any means. Ideally, it would be great if all children were born into and raised by the text book perfect "family" meaning both a mother and a father.
I think caseworkers are concerned on many levels when placing children with single parents. Who would raise the children if the parent died? If the child is ill and it requires the parent to spend extended time off work, can a single parent financially afford to do this? Does the single parent have a adequate support system? There are some children in the system that are extremely demanding and have issues that can be taxing thus how does a single parent get a "break" that they may need? Some "single" parents may not have any parenting experience and while no one is ever totally prepared to be a parent, even if they have bio children, is someone who isnt experienced able to deal with the extra issues that come with many of the children coming from the system? It may even be that the children themselves are specifically asking for a two parent family.
I think too it may depend somewhat on the behaviors of the children. Having done foster care for many years, I know there are many children out there, both male and female, who based on their previous circumstances, have absolutely no respect for female authority or may have fear or no respect for male authority. Thus I think at times there may well be legitimate reasons for choosing a two parent family vs. a single parent.
On the other hand, I also believe that there are many children out there who would benefit simply by the stability of a permanent family whether two parent or single parent, male or female, gay or straight, etc that are lingering because some caseworkers are looking for the "ideal" when it comes to placing the children on their caseloads. I do believe that single parents are most often the "last resort" and two parent families for the most part are given top priority for most children. This certainly isnt fair and is probably based in some kind of personal expectations of the caseworkers and while I would venture to guess few would admit that publicly as in my mind it is a form of discrimination. If one looks at the divorce rate in the US I dont think anyone could deny that there are millions of single parents raising children. I dont see the system randomly removing children from their homes simply due to being raised by a "single" parent, thus think that attitudes need to change concerning placing children in single family homes.
I truly believe that the difficulty of single parents adopting is often made easier if you have an adoption agency/worker who is willing to promote and support you as a single parent in a postive manner. Your adoption worker is your representative and should be pushing your strong points and advocating for you. I am fortunate to have such a worker and agency.
I would like to say that recently on the blogs, regardless of the topic heading, many of you say you have been waiting 9 months or a year. This in fact isnt unusual. I dont know for sure if there are statistics showing specific average times but from my personal knowledge and experience, I would estimate 18 months to 3 years being a more realistic average wait. With the first two sons that I adopted I had been "waiting" nearly 15 months to even be selected and once selected for the children it took from April to August before the boys actually were placed in my home. For the second set of boys that I am adopting, it has been since August that I was selected and I hope to finally have them home with us in Jan of next year. In total, I have been in this process since June of 06 with my current agency and March/April of 05 with the agency I was previously with who did absolutely nothing for me.
I think sometimes the most discouraging part is that when you are in this process long enough and visit the same sites regularly to search for children, one sees many of the same children still on the sites after years and it is especially frustrating and concerning when you yourself have inquired about some of these children, given no consideration of being their family, but watch them literaly growing up on the web sites. While there may be legit reasons why you werent selected, which one never really learns that info, you begin to wonder why when you are able and willing to provide a home these kids are still lingering in foster care.
The only words of encouragement that I can offer is that being a single parent and of advanced age I have in fact adopted 3 wonderful boys and have two more coming into our family very soon. It does happen and can happen, it is just a matter of time and I think "luck" before it happens. And, it is well worth the wait I must admit. Unfortunately, there are many of you out there who arent correctly informed of the process and its faults which leads to frustrations that are simply intolerable to some and people do in fact withdraw and decide to just give up hope. I would only tell all of you that feel this way that one needs to realize that it isnt personal but the way the "system" is set up and if you want children, you have no choice but to go thru the current system regardless of the length of time it takes to do so. The kids need us thus we need to do our best to hang in there.
I would also say that things did not start happening for me until I decided the agency I was using wasnt going to do a thing for me but continue to send me foster children and going to another agency as "adopt only" status. It was this change in agency and the worker involved that greatly improved my chances to adopt. So I would suggest to all of you who have the luxury to choose an agency, scrutinize the one you are with and if necessary, switch agencies if you feel they are not representing you in the manner in which you deserve.
Chmae
Hello everyone!
I am a single woman, and I have been very interested in adopting a child and have considered doing so off an on for the past few years. I never fully pursued adopting a child because of the difficulty in single parent adoptions.
Though I do not have biological children I have helped raised my nieces and nephews and am currently doing so to this day.
My niece 14 year old niece brought adopting or being a foster parent to my attention and thought I would be a great "mother" and our family would be a great family to a child wanting and needing a family.
After reading on this blog the difficulty in adopting a child who is and has been in the foster care system, is really discouraging!!!
I even considered possibly adopting an older child, and/or sibling groups in need of a home because there seems to be so many children.
I have a question why are children posted as needing a family for several years, not placed? I am basing this question on some of the previous posters statements.
There are two children I would love to meet and see if we would be a great fit for one another, I feel pretty discouraged at the moment reading that workers are more interested in two parent homes! What should be focused on is if the person/persons are able to provide a loving, stable home!
To DayJream
Please dont give up and please further consider adoption, especially if you are willing to adopt older children.
I think many older children stay in the system longer simply because they are older. Many older children who are in the system also lived in dysfunctional situations longer than most and may have issues much greater than younger children. And, too, I think that older children have more "say" as far as selecting a parent(s) and where they want to live. Older children sometimes have a tendency to want to remain in their local area so as not to lose friends and community ties. Unfortunately there are also older children out there that due to their special needs and issues will probably never be adopted and may well not be suited to a home setting but I believe the law requires caseworkers to search regardless.
I think there are many reasons caseworkers look for two parent homes, too many to be mentioned here. However, sometimes I think that single parents do have an advantage in some cases. I think there may be many older teen girls out there who perhaps have had bad experiences with men and would be more comfortable and prefer a single mom. I also think there are many older teen boys out there who may have never learned respect for women and are suited to single dads.
I wont tell you the process isnt lengthy, depending especially on the state you are in and the agency that you work with, however, being a single parent of 4 grown bio children, with 3 adopted sons and two more on the way, I can tell you that it does happen and it will happen if you can just tolerate the system long enough to find your matches. The process can be frustrating and discouraging but in the end is worth what one tolerates until we find our children.
If you are just entering in the process and in fact do have a choice as to what agency you might use, interview the agencies available to you and go from there. While I know the blogs are sometimes discouraging to read, they are realistic in what you have ahead of you. On the other hand, you can learn from others experiences as well as it gives one a place to vent. Without venting many might just throw up their hands and quit. Let us all know how it is going for you and please ask any questions you might have as there are plenty of us who would be more than glad to offer you whatever advice we can.
I was a single parent with 3 biological kids ages 6-19. I am also a foster/adoptive parent . I have had so many foster kids in and out of my home, a couple of them I wanted to adopt them but my worker makes all kind of excuses why I could not adopt them. I also go on-line and notify my caseworker no phone call return back to me. I call her and no return calls. When I do get in touch with her, she makes excuses. I have been trying for 6 years. If you know of a way to adopt without their involvement. Please let mr know.
I don't know what state the single parent with foster children is from. If the caseworker is not offering you a reason why you can't adopt the child in your care, you should go their suervisior. In Illinois, if a foster child is available for adoption, the child's foster parent is given the first cgange to adopt that child.
I have been trying to get a foster or adoptive placement for the last two year without any success. I am at the point giving up. The last child that I inquired for adoption through adopt us kids was in August. I have decide to hold on any other inquires since it seems to be pointless. It looks like that a small minority of inquires are successful.
hii
i would'nt mind adopting a child but it's just the worry about what they have been through and all that. I live in England and so if i did want to adopt they would have to move but i really would love to adopt. I am worried about adopting can anyone give me any adivce please. sorry if i posted a comment on the wrong page and might not be about this subject but i really wnated to talk to someone who has adopted before if you write back to give advice thank you.
Hello Everyone,
I am a single female and have been trying to find a match for almost a year now. I feel as if I am totally alone in this process. Being single all the agencies that I have contacted have told me point blank that I have no morals or values being single and wanting a child and that I need to adopt from the state since they don't care about my lack of morals and values. After completing my homestudy all I was told was to go on to the web site and look. I have submitted my name and home study for several children and have not been a match for any of them. I find the lack of support and communication from the agencies to be very disheartening. After reading this blog I feel like why should I even bother trying to adopt, I can't imagine going through this for 2 or more years and still not having a child. The hardest thing is I was told that you never know when it will happen and to keep the child's space ready. Having a room set up for a child with no child to put in it and no help is a very hard pill to take daily. I know its not an over night process but I had no idea I would be doing this all alone. When I submit my information I hear nothing else from the case worker, one lady I called and emailed for about 2 months and she would never respond. Finally I guess I bugged her so much she yelled at me that she told me in the beginning the child was already taken, which was a lie,she nor any one else in her office ever talked to me more than to say fax your homestudy. I have no idea when they do their match placing and no one will tell you. I just submit my information and wait. I know being a parent is not easy and that it will be a rewarding thing for both me and a child. However after reading this blog and experiencing the lack of care from the state agencies I'm starting to wonder why should I even bother. Then I feel bad about feeling like that. I don't understand with all of these kids in the system why it is so hard to adopt. I thought the goal was to get the kids out of the system into good homes. Guess I was wrong. Sorry to sound so down I'm usually a very positive person. Guess I just needed to vent with someone that understands what i'm going through.
I'm single and just starting to look into adopting a child of my own. After reading this blog, I admit I'm definitely more apprehensive and worried about not being able to find a child.
I would like to say to any of you who are thinking of giving up to stop and really consider that decision. There is a child out there for you.
There are many ways in our lives that we have waited for what we want much longer than we have waited for adoptive children. For those who have attended college, 4 years? - 6 years? - 8 years? For those who have had bio children after marriage I am sure there was a wait after marriage before becoming pregnant and then during the pregnancy. How many of us have waited years to purchase a home in order to "save" the down payment or waited 8 years to pay off our vehicles and purchase a new car? How many of us have waited years for the "right" partner to come into our lives?
The wait isnt easy as we are dealing with human beings, the children, not commodities, but the wait is well worth it if you really want to add children to your family. The children themselves may have been in the system for as long as it takes to pay off a vehicle or complete a college degree thus we are not the only ones who wait in misery and frustration. Quite honestly, if you think about it in terms of the other things we "wait" for to come to us in life, a couple of years is not a long time waiting to adopt when you consider the benefits and the life long joy and love you receive and are able to give when adopting.
There are many, many children out there who need and deserve permanent families and if we allow our frustrations and negativity to cause us to pull out of the process there are children who may never find homes.
I would also like to say that many people out there who are looking to adopt may not be looking at it realistically. I talk to so many prosepective adoptive parents who in fact are looking for the perfect child, in physical appearance as well as behaviors and that truly limits your chance of being selected. I have adopted children who are Autistic, MR and am in the process of adopting children who are physically handicapped. All of my children are "perfect" for me and our family even though they dont fit the "norm" of being "perfect". Being human beings we have a natural tendency to choose those children we inquire about based on how cute they are or what we can see their future being, college, team sports, dating, driving, etc etc and the reality is there are children out there who are sweet, loving and compassionate who may never do these things. There are teens out there who may well fit those "standards" but will never be considered simply due to their age. Thus, I would suggest that we all stop and think about what we are offering a child and why. Are we offering a child a home based on what WE want and need to fulfill our lives or because we want to provide a permanent, loving home for a child who is less than perfect.
I know many may disagree with me but kids are kids regardless. It doesnt matter if they are in a wheelchair, cannot carry on a conversation, have learning disabilites, are "mentally retarded" or "mentally challenged". Can all of us handle and deal with these children. No, I would say not, However, for those of us who can, it is the most rewarding and eye opening experience one could ever know. These children need and deserve homes just as much as any other children.
I look at my children and I dont see their imperfections but all of the love and joy they have brought to our lives. While it took time to find them and have them placed and there were definitely times when I was very frustrated and down on the system and the waiting I endured, I realize that they are the children who were meant to be with me, for whatever "plan" and I could not be more greatful or happy than I am right now.
I would like to suggest that anyone who has considered children with exceptional needs to consider volunteering at a special needs school or classroom and get a feel for these children. You might be surprised at what you find and it may well change your mind on the type of child you are willing to consider for adoption. Also, a worker is much more likely to consider one a resource for this type of child if there is a history of genuine interest in adopting a child with such needs.
I encourage everyone to keep trying and make numerous inquiries on as many children that you think may be a good fit.
Also, try e-mailing the caseworker a copy of your home study with your caseworker's contact information for follow up and verification.
International adoption is another choice.
There are many children who need homes, sometimes it takes some time, but keep trying.
Something I tell myself is what if I were giving birth? It would take 9 months from the moment I "found" the child on the photolisting until the process of adoption is complete. That makes me feel better when things aren't as fast as I'd like.
Your match is out there. If the agency you are working with isn't being supportive, try another agency or caseworker or contact your caseworker's supervisor.
Try to be encouraged and realistic about timeframes (in the waiting, new life is being brought to your family) and I wish you blessings with your adoption.
Ok am I missing something here???
When I received my home study from the agency, the only thing I was told to do was "Look on the Web site".
Since then I have not heard ONE single word from the agency, when I call or e-mail I get no response. When I see a child that I am interested in I follow the instructions under the picture and call or email that agency. At that point I usually get a call requesting that I fax them a copy of my home study. After that I don't hear anything else;usually...
Two caseworkers told me that they do the match placing at the end of the month and if chosen they will let me know the next month.
Some one please tell me what i'm missing here. From reading this blog I am truly lost in what I am supposed to be doing or how this process is supposed to work. Is the agency supposed to be helping me?
Hi all:
I spoke w/a cousin yesterday who lives in NJ & who fostered 2 special needs children (a sib grp) in her home for 4.5 yrs. She is 10yrs my senior & she took in older children. The children she had were abruptly removed from her home in October. My cousin is devastated. Like so many of us, she did nothing wrong; yet, the children were removed w/o explanation. I could hear a familiar hurt in my cousin's voice & see it in her face. The agency that took the kids didn't bother to have my cousin pack their things; the children left the house w/just the clothes they had on their backs. When my cousin called the agency to ask when they were going to pick up the children's things, she was told, "You can drop it off, but we're going to put it all in the dumpster. They don't need any of that stuff." My cousin hasn't been able to get any info on the children. She cannot even bare to go into the rooms where the children's things are just as they left them. My cousin says she had a routine w/the children & when she's making plans, she has to constantly remind herself that the children are gone. Until we discussed our mutual bad experiences w/the child welfare system, my cousin felt that she was all alone & powerless. I suggested that she read the comments on this blog site & share her story. Char
TO CONTINUE THE DISCUSSIONS ON THIS BLOG . . .
go to the following blogspot:
www.adoptionproblems.blogspot.com
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