As you know, AdoptUsKids is dedicated to increasing the public awareness of adoption and foster care. Our work with the Ad Council to create and distribute our public service announcements is intended to encourage the public that "you don't have to be perfect to be a perfect parent" - that although active parenting does involve appropriate, positive interaction with a child, it also requires the parent to "just be there" and provide for the daily living needs of a child (such as laundry, cooking, and relaxing together). This undemanding adult presence is very reassuring to a child who has never had a reliable family.
We'd love to hear from adoptive families whose journeys were set into motion by seeing a TV or print ad or by hearing a radio spot with the message, “You don't have to be perfect to be a perfect parent”
Share your stories here! Please tell us when you first heard or saw that ad, why it moved you to act, how you responded, and where your response led you.
We are currently working to create and distribute a new series of public service announcements focused on the large number of teenagers available for adoption in the United States. Look for them on your local TV station this November!
Friday, October 10, 2008
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
169 comments:
I was in the process to adopt before the ads, but one in particular gives me a good laugh. It is the ad where the teen is on the phone and Mom picks it up downstairs and doesnt realize the daughter is on the phone. Mom comes off as kind of a ditz!!! LOL The first time we all saw that ad all of my kids just busted out laughing and said "shes just like you MOM" and my oldest (23) laughed and said "it reminds me of something that you would do!!) So every time we see that ad we all kind of giggle and everyone looks at me!!!!
My first adoption was 9 years ago.One year later I adopted again and the following year i adpted a sibling group of 2.When I think of the "you don't have to be perfect"commercials I am happy and kind of pat my self on the back.
My husband and I sat on the panel that viewed and gave the input on the commercial with the little boy at the baseball game.
Although we were paid to be on that panel, the greatest payment is to see the sucess it has made to bring children and families together.
I still laugh when I think about the one with the dad sleeping on the couch next to his smiling son.
I can't remember where I was in the process when I first saw that commercial, but seeing it gave me the confidence that I did not have to approach saint status to adopt. "You don't have to be perfect" has definitely been my parenting mantra. We just got word that our homestudy has been approved, so we're almost ready to begin our search!
If you don't have to be perfect, why in the world are there so many waiting parents, and so many children on this site sitting here for YEARS.
We've been talking about adopting for several years. The ads (radio & TV) just helped to keep TOMA, so that we'd remember and go ahead and do it. We're just starting the process, but happy we can do something to help.
Exactly. We signed up from the ads and it has been nothing like we were told it would be. We are dropping out of this whole mess. I think it is irresponsible to be pushing a big ad campaign in an attempt to get more people into a defective system that can't work with the people already in it.
Yep. You don't have to be perfect, but no previous bio kids is a handicap that's for sure. I see SOOOOO many cases that would be perfect for us. Old ones, young ones, sibling groups...and it's always the same thing. "so and so would do best in a home where they were the only children." Some cases, I do believe that would be true. But not as many as I see. Don't you think they'd just like to be in a great family? Lots of kids isn't always a handicap you know.
And also, why is it that we get turned down for case after case..telling me tht I just have my hnds too full right now (bio kids 7, 3, 7 mos), but they want to shove off on me kids that are MR, or in a wheelchair, or history of sexual abuse.... now THAT'S frustrating. I have tons of experience with many children at a time, but no experience with MR, wheelchairs, etc. but that's what they want to give me? C'mon. Gimme a break. It's all been so frustrating..I hope the pay off will be worth it.
I honestly believe that these commercials have helped people understand that they, too, can adopt.
One of the first questions I asked when my husband and I were taking foster parenting classes was, "Does my house have to be clean all the time?"
I was so worried because, though our home isn't dirty, it is often very messy with toys, clothes being folded and dishes hanging about. When they told us that our house is "lived in" and that is what they like to see...I never looked back! :o) I was stress free and ready to go!
We adopted 3 sons making our total 5 sons and are on our way to adding some "pink" or "tomboy blue" to our home next year!
Thank you for those commercials! They depict reality and that is so very refreshing.
Shelly M.
"You don't have to be perfect".......ummmmmmmmmm......no you don't have to be perfect. What you do need is to be geographically in the right place with the right agency! The number of children in the system, or the number of families waiting, doesn't even come into it!
What I think is one of the many things wrong with our system is you have to live close to where the child is. We lived on the wrong side of the same state and they wanted to keep the child in the same county so he could be close to extended family. If this extended family was so great they should have adopted him to begin with!
I am like the person above that said having lots of kids can be a handicap in this system. We have four bio kids, but I'm used to having lots of kids around. I love kids, and we are adamant that we only want our family to grow larger through adoption. But I keep hearing how people think that we can't spend individual time with the kids that we are looking into...even though I make it a priority to do so with the kids I have now. We do one on one things and family things all the time. We have grandparents that live across the street..I am a stay at home mom...my husband works third, so there is ALWAYS someone available for someone. Yet we can't get anywhere with our adoption. We were approved for a 10 year old with lots of medical problems and when it came time to do the ICPC paperwork, my state (TN) said no. We were not even aware this was something we needed to be concerned about. I'm starting to get frustrated with the people that talk about how many children are out there that need good homes...yes...there are...and there are people willing to take them...but it's the in between that is so messed up and preventing these children from getting to the people that could be their forever family and is willing to do it. For whatever reason, too many kids at home, no stay at home parent, the state is too far away, too old, too young, whatever. There always seems to be some problem with everyone that I talk to and I'm getting VERY frustrated. We'd said at the beginning that this would not be the last adoption we did, but I'm getting so discouraged at this point that it may very well be. It is not that we are picky..we are open to sibling groups, a variety of ages and medical problems (well..we were ok with that, but it looks like my state isn't ok with bringing in children with more medical problems than they (people who won't even be taking care of him) are.
I'm sorry for the rant but it's been another frustrating day, and to read that you don't have to be perfect to be an adoptive parent...I know I'm not perfect, and that I don't "have to be perfect" but it sure seems that way sometimes!
You don't have to be perfect???? Sure fooled me! I work in an elementary school and see LOTS of biological parents who are far from perfect. In fact, many of them shouldn't be allowed to have children, and if they were trying to adopt children, they would be rejected by the perfection-seeking social service industry. But, since they are raising their own children, they are allowed to be grossly imperfect, improper, and incompetent. What a double standard!
I agree that increasing public awareness will not help unless the states are capable of handling the workload. Maybe there aren't enough waiting parents for waiting teenagers. We are waiting for a child between 3 and 9 years of age. We are an approved native american home and have been turned down several times already. This leads me to believe that there are enough waiting parents for kids this age, but maybe not enough for the teenage kids. ??
i couldn't agree more with you about the extended family on the other side of the state. I know exactly what you mean.
I can understand how alot of people are frustrated with the adoption process.I been trying to adopted for years as a single parent with no children and still no child.I am open to any child,any age even sibling groups.I always get put in match meetings but been told over and over this child might be to much you because I don't have any children.That is so frustrating that they use that as an excuse for me not to be match with a child.I worked with children at a daycare and I have a big family and I'm always around children.I want to be mom and adopt alot of children but I can't seem to get one.I have nothing but time to give to a child and believe I can handle a child or a sibling group.To the single man who want to adopt girls I think it's wonderful that you want to be a daddy to girls and wish there where more men out there like you. I wish you luck and hope you get your family.
I wonder at times if some of the issues about not having had children or having too many children are not concerns due to the manner in which a family is represented by their agency and worker.
My adoption worker knows me very well and she and I both know my limitations. We discuss each child(ren) on a case by case basis and while the decision on whethere to pursue a particular child or group further is ultimately mine, we attempt to sort it out and discuss all aspects of what the future might bring. If both of us are in agreement that it would be a good fit and that the situation is someting that I feel comfortable with she will fight "tooth and nail" for me. I have to wonder if there are not many situations where a caseworker questions the ability of the parent(s) or makes a statement like "we are concerned that this person has never parented before" or "we are concerned that there are 5 other children in the house" and most adoption workers take that as a definite "no" to a match rather than to promote the family as someone who they feel can in fact handle the situation. If an adoption worker responds simply with a "I understand" and doesnt pursue the questions then would this not be taken as the worker being in agreement with the caseworker? Our adoption worker, and I happen to have a great one, are supposed to be representing us based on our experiences and views. I also feel that a huge factor in this is that these judgements are strictly based on a 3-4 page family profile. If a caseworker is simply questioning the familys ability to parent a specific child and not their overall ability then it would seem to me an adoption worker should in fact at least suggest that there is a phone conference with the family or that the caseworker speak with the family. If simply being a matter of the caseworker having questions, why not allow ask the family directly and clear up any doubts? I had one caseworker, who clearly did not read my profile accurately, decide I had 7 children in my home and that was too many to bring in the children in question, when in fact I only have 3 children in the home as my others are all adults now. It was a simple miscommunication that was easily cleared up. Had I not be able to directly speak with this worker she may never have known that she was not accurate with the facts.
I also agree, having worked in the system for some time, including schools, that there are many parents out there who probably should not even have custody of their own children but slip thru the cracks somehow. It does seem at times like caseworkers are in fact looking for the "perfect" parents when it doesnt even exist. Perfection, like so many other words, is ambiguous and prone to interpretation. What might well be "perfect" to a child may not be "perfect" to the caseworker.
Dear Native American family:
Three Native American boys (ages 12, 11, and 9) are featured on the adoptuskids website. They're in New Mexico. Char
Here is my problem I want to adopted a little girl from Tenn and her caseworker thinks that I would be a good match but the little girl is afraid to leave her state.I live in a Ohio so this would be an out of state adoption and I really feel like this little girl would be a good match.Her foster parents adopted some kids from Ohio and they are telling her some bad things about Ohio.I might not get match with her bacause of what the kids are telling her.I been trying to adopt this little girl for two months now and don't want to give up on her.I really think if she got to know me and came down to visit that she would be ok.Has anybody ever had this problem I really would like to adopt her.Her caseworker said she would really like her to be match with me but dont know if she can change her mind about Ohio.This is so frustrating.
I haven't had a child refuse to leave a state because of things that kids said, but I have had a potential adoption fall through because of negative comments from an older half sister, as well as a foster mom who had issues with the arrangement.
Kids are so impressionable, especially in the face of negative stimuli, since they have experienced negative things before. It is hard to convince them that they won't also experience whatever they have been told about.
I think you have the right idea in trying to convince the little girl to come for a visit. Perhaps, if the things the kids told her are things that you can expose her to so that she can see that they aren't bad after all, you could do that. I'm sure her worker would come with her for the visit, and maybe one of the foster parents could come, too. This would give her reassurance.
Keep trying, and keep going to Tennessee for visits so that she gets to know you and eventually WANTS to go home with you. I think that may be the key.
I believe that all agencies are in need of adoptive and foster homes that would accept a teenage child. With the Cherokee Nation, many things are taken into consideration in choosing an adoptive home. The majority of the time, children are placed in a potentially permanent situation early in their time in the "system". With that in mind, there is a high degree of legal risk, along with possible visitation by parents. Children often need to be placed within close proximity of their birth parents to allow the natural parents an opportunity to reunify and visit. Also, taken into consideration is the children's blood quantum as we try to match with the adoptive families as close as possible. Because of adoptive families willing to take on a legal risk situation, there are so few "legally free" children at this time. At the last Oklahoma Adoption Staffing there were 81 children staffed that were legally free needing permanent placements. Of those 81, 4 were Cherokee.
I don't think any agency wants a family to feel pushed into accepting a placement. It is up to you to determine the type of placement you and your family are comfortable with. We understand that we are asking a lot of our adoptive families as we want you to take a child into your home, love that child like it's yours, but also be prepared to let that child go if mommy and daddy are successful in reunification. For most adoptive families, placement will happen. If a legally free child is what you desire, it just may take more time.
Kristi Crawford, Program Manager
Indian Child Welfare
Adoption Program
Cherokee Nation
I try so hard to beleive that I am going to be a mom one day but everyday it seem to get harder.I had caseworker tell me we were going to have a match meeting on friday and ask me if she could call me at a certain time.I told her yes I even took off work that day so I could take that call and she never called me.I even called her and she never called back.This person told me that she really wanted to place this child with me and thought that I would be the best match but they were also having a meeting with some else but she was going to me.I am so mad that she didnt even call to say we went with the other couple.I knew there was a chance I wouldn't be pick because the little girl was afraid to move out of state but I was excited at same time cause thought I might be a mom.It says you don't have to be perfect to be a parent but everytime I am in a match meeting with a couple the couple gets the child.I am happy for people who adopted their children and have the families they always wanted but I would like to be a mom and have a family too.
If there are significantly fewer children that are legally free for adoption than those needing temporary foster placement, then maybe the recruitment should be strongly focused on foster parents. In reality maybe there isn't a need at all for homes for legally free children, if Ms. Crawford's statments are representative of all states. I was wondering also if our status as a Cherokee approved home would discourage case workers from choosing us as a family for children who are not indian, such as hispanic or biracial?
Dear Anonymous, who wants to be a mom:
Welcome to the club! I wish I could be encouraging, but you are just one of MANY who have been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.
On one hand, it certainly is understandable that a two-parent family is the preferred choice. However, I firmly believe that a single person is sometimes the right individual for the child. I think those of us who are single are simply facing one of the harsh realities.
What really bugs me, though, is the fact that there are tens of thousands of children across the country who need homes, and I know that there are not enough couples to adopt them all because there are far more kids than there are prospective parents. So, we and the kids definitely are being let down by the workers.
I too, am so extremely sick of the "run around" when it comes to phone calls. If they know (which they HAVE to) how much we are counting on, and anxiously awaiting a phone call...why would they tell us one thing and do another? Don't tell us, "we'll let you know on Friday" or "we have a meeting on Friday." And then we spend all day with our cell phones in hand, practically having a heart attack each time it rings... but then...nothing. Not even a call to say, "hey...sorry, but we didn't get around to making a decision today." Nothing. I call and leave messages, emails, and get nothing in return. They run and hide. I am sorry, but that isn't very mature in my book. Or professional. DId they go with another couple? Did they go back to the birth mom? Do they need to ask us more questions? I have no clue. All I know is that for THREE weeks now, I was supposed to get a final decision, and I have gotten nothing.
Does anybody have any advice? And also, does anybody have any trust issues with their social worker? (like for example, she wants you to adopt group A, but you are more interested in group B...) Does anybody ever worry that she will purposely sabotage a case, to see that you get a different group if you disagree?
If you are uncomfortable with any group, then you can just be honest and firm and let your worker know where you stand. As 'adopters' we are at the mercy of the 'workers' and the system. This does not mean we have to make unwise decisions out of desperation or because we feel coerced. I think you must stand your grand and do what is right; you will be glad you did in the aftermath.
Anonymous from November 5th, 9am:
Your trust concerns with your social worker should be addressed ASAP. Your caseworker's job is to be your family's representative, to help your family decide what you can and cannot manage, and to do what's in the best interest of both yourself and the children in state care. There would be no advantage to anyone to place a child in your home that you do not want, or to coerce you into taking on a child that you're uncertain about. Disrupted placements are traumatic for everyone involved. If you have serious doubts about your ability to trust your social worker, you have every right to request a different worker, change agencies, and (especially if you have any sort of proof) bring this up with your worker's supervisor.
I'd also like to briefly comment on some other statements on this post.
rjones said:
"If there are significantly fewer children that are legally free for adoption than those needing temporary foster placement, then maybe the recruitment should be strongly focused on foster parents. In reality maybe there isn't a need at all for homes for legally free children, if Ms. Crawford's statments are representative of all states. "
In the state of Oregon we actually have begun focusing on recruitment of foster homes as opposed to adoptive homes. However, there are somewhere around 7,000 kids in Oregon foster care on any given day and only so many foster homes to go around. In addition to this, although Oregon does not have a foster-to-adopt program, foster parents are often the adoptive placement for children originally in their care and thus can no longer be foster parents, which means that the foster parent 'supply' is constantly dwindling.
But don't think that means there is no need for families who want specifically to adopt, specifically legally free children. Although a large pool of families and a small pool of kids can mean a longer wait, it also means that workers can do a better job of matching families and children, thus decreasing the possibility of a disruption.
Unfortunately this is not our reality: there are vastly more children and teens in the system than available resource families. Of the resources families out there, the demographics are usually disproportionate in terms of matches. There may be hundreds of families waiting and thousands of children, but it could be that hundreds of families want to adopt toddlers and most of the kids needing homes are teens. That is one reason why families end up waiting, or caseworkers suggest kids to families that the families have said they aren't interested in.
Until states can get more money to fund and staff their child welfare programs adequately, caseworkers will continue to be overworked. Until there is no longer a socioeconomic disparity between various demographic groups, minorities, sibling groups, older children, and kids with disabilities will continue to enter the system at a rate faster than we can find families to adopt them.
With that in mind, I'm always happy to see how many families are out there willing, in fact yearning, to adopt a child who has no permanent family of their own. Money or demographics or social systems aside, there is never a reason why families should be mistreated or mistrustful of their social workers, give in to pressure to take a child they can't handle, or give up.
I agree with previous posters that the "adopt a cute kid" commercials are a waste of money. People who respond to these commercials don't want to wait 1 year or more to adopt. 80% of people who want to adopt give up because it's so hard. Money would be better spent on reducing the dropout rate of homestudied parents than bringing in new parents; or focusing commercials on kids that can be adopted quickly.
Personally I think a federalized "waiting kids" program is the only solution as the current county-by-county system is not working.
I've been trying a year to adopt a teen and the communication was so bad between the agencies involved that the word never got though. Now I am matched with another teen and we are in the visiting phase- exciting- but the current placement has a lot of positives and I wonder if they have fully explored the possibility of permanence with the current family! I am going to ask them to discuss it again- don't want to be taking a kid from a family it's comfortable with.
Re: the difficulty of matching- if I had it to do over- go to a mentor agency and explain your situation that you would like to offer an adult connection to a child in care. If you have a relationship with the child they will consider you more seriously as a placement family than if you come in to the system seeking adoption and then try to match with a child. I had it recommended to me to become a mentor to a teen first but I dismissed the advice because I was committed to adoption and didnt want to offer "less" than a full commitment. I didnt realize how hard it would be to get matched. And that you can be a mentor and then move to adoption in some cases.
Havign said all that, it was reading the "you dont have to be perfect" campaign concept that moved me to sign up to adopt a teen. I dont think I ever saw any of the ads on TV or in print. I didnt "get" a lot of the visuals personally but I liked the message. The "eavesdropping mom" was weird, so was the one where the parents are really out of touch with the kids and give the girl a sweater and dont even realize she doesnt like it. Yikes! I liked the print ad with a comic book picture of a mom microwaving a dinner- I thought "I can do that!"
And I am still hopeful- I just would have liked a more realistic expectation from the start of how much work you have to do yourself.
"80% of people who want to adopt give up because it's so hard. Money would be better spent on reducing the dropout rate of homestudied parents than bringing in new parents."
I agree with this but really what can they do? There seems to be 2 groups of workers involved with adoption. The first is supposed to be there to help families looking to adopt. They mean well but they have no real authority to change anything. The best I have seen them able to do is repeatedly say "hang in there". The other groups are the workers involved in the actual placement of the kids. They have shown more often than not they have little concern for prospective families and that isn't going to change. Our home study is due for renewal in a few weeks but were are done. I just closed my AdoptUSKids profile and I'm cleaning out all my links and closing this chapter of life.
Has anyone on here had any experience adopting from the state of TN? I am so frustrated right now, I wish we could quit. But something just won't let me. I guess it's the feeling that there are children out there that are still meant to be in our family...but I'm starting to think I'm wrong.
It is really sad that willing adoptive parents are being lost because of the inefficiency of the system. Have you, the 'dropping out', considered WACAAP. They waive their fees on many children. Some are international, but the only fees you would pay would be travel expenses. This would be reimbursed by the federal tax credit. Many of these kids have very minimal special needs, but are just older. Something to consider since adopting domestically seems impossible.
Hello, everyone
I'm new to the blog, but I faithfully read the posted comments. My husband and I are interested in enchanting our family again through adoption. We have one adopted daughter. We started the out of state process
march 2008. We have sent out many homestudies, and found this process to be very fustrating.
My question is for the families
that have adopted large sibling groups ?
My family started out looking for a sibling group of no more than 2, but have applied for up to 4. My family definately has the love and
room to care for a large sibling group,but I was wondering what are some of the challenges of taking on this many children at once? I would love to hear the pro's and con's from families that adopted large sibling groups, and how do you manage to hold down a full time job, and if you don't work how do you afford health care insurance ?
I was wondering if anyone can
answer a question for me ? Why
are their children on the Adopt
Us site that are not legally
free and will not be free for
up to 6 months. I have applied
for children in May and still
waiting to hear something !
When I call the response is
rights aren't terimanted yet,but
their still on the web-site.
This is supposed to be a adoption
site not a foster parent
recruitment agency. If I wanted to
wait for rights to be terminated I
minds well do foster care. That's
why I started the out of state
adoption process to get away from
the waiting proces. Sorry to seem
angry, but this process is very
stressful.I become emotionally
attached to a picture, with dreams
of this child or children in my
home to be told their not free.
I have been a single foster mom of teenagers for years. One of my foster kids was freed for adoption and I did adopt her. I have continued to foster other teens as well. When I told my case worker at Catholic Social Services that I was interested in adopting a sibling group from Adoptuskids.com my name suddenly became dirt. Now they say that if I try to adopt anyone that they will NOT recommend me as a parent. And they say that doing out of state adoptions is too big a hassle and who is going to pay them and if the placement falls through they have to send the kids back to their former state. I am now looking to change agencies but I am afraid that CSS will send a negative report along with my file because I am not available to them any more to take their teens. Plus, changing organizations means starting over paperwise which means months before anyone would consider me ready to look for children. This saddens me because I think these 3 kids would much rather be wiith their forever family sooner than much later and that finding a home for a sibling group of 3 where 2 of the 3 are already teens will be hard to place. I may not be perfect but I do not deserve this treatment from CSS.
with reply to anonymous, Nov 6th.
Your post startled me. I'm, so sorry to hear that you are done with the adoption "Fiasco" but hardly surprised really. We also, very nearly threw in the towel but were fortunate enough to adopt an amazing child so we know that adoption is possible, it's just ridiculously hard.
There is a terrible flaw in the system and it seems to us that too much time is spent on forcing people to become foster parents when all they actually want to be is an adoptive family. We were told at the very beginning of this emotional rollercoaster, that becoming a foster parent was the fastest way to adopt and we have seen many of our adoption training class colleagues give up on the hope of adopting as an adoptive family and instead opt to go through the whole Homestudy process AGAIN to become foster parents when in their hearts, it was not what they wanted. It just seems to be the only way forward.
I may be wrong, but surely, this is why the children are shifted from one foster home to the next and that some are stuck in the system until they age out?
If a child is placed with a foster family that initially wanted to adopt not foster, and maybe that child is not legally free for adoption or there are hopes of MAYBE getting that child back with the biological parents, and there is a very slim chance of those foster parents being able to adopt, then surely, they'll move on to the next child to be placed with them as soon as possible, in hope of adopting the next child. The original child will be placed in the next foster home which could also possibly be a family that were pushed into fostering in order to adopt and on it goes .....and on....and on... Maybe that child WILL get placed back with the biological parents or maybe that doesn't happen and that child is just shunted from foster home to foster home until one foster family decides to TRY and adopt him/her.
I think the people that ACTUALLY DO WANT to be foster parents are amazing people and the role they play in the adoption world is vitally important but adoptive families should also be vitally important and should not be pushed into doing something that their heart is not really in. To be placed with a desperately wanted child and then to have that child taken away from you must be soul destroying for those families wanting permanancy. Something needs to change......
For those families still trying to adopt, take a VERY active role in the search for your child. Call children's case workers if you need to rather than wait for your over worked (or in some cases, your lazy, can't be bothered) case worker to enquire for you. If someone gets mad about that call, then tough! Get over it! The waiting for a call or news of a child you have enquired about is excrutiating for any family trying to adopt. Don't sit there and wait for your case worker to help find you that child, write letters, do something, anything, to find your child!
My husband and I decided to adopt after having an exchange student for a year with us. We want to adopt an teen girl between the ages of 11 - 13. We were told that there was so many teenagers out there that needed a family and we wanted to be that family. But we are coming close to calling it quits also. It took us from the beginning of Oct 2007 to the end of May 2008 to get a home study completed. We do not have any other children so we thought our situation would certainly match alot of teens. I have been as active as I can with as many states as possible but we are not being contacted about any children despite numerous inquiries. We are not qualified to be parents to severly physically or mentally challenged but we are open to all other histories and behavious. It does seem that there are more than enough families looking to adopt teens now than in previous years. If this is true then it is a good thing for the kids. I just wish that the feelings of families like us would also be considered.
So many questions from so many posts and basically all of the same complaints. This is not a surprise to me having been in the process for 3+ years now but what does surprise me is that those within the system who possibly read these blogs seem to be doing nothing to respond to our comments or do anything to begin change.
To the person who blogged about sib group adoption. I havent adopted a large sib group so cant answer specifically to raising a large sib group however I can tell you one advantage, this process is so long and frustrating that adopting a sib group, if you want a larger family, makes total sense as once your children are place you can be done with the system and not go thru this horrible process over and over again. By adopting a sib group you are eliminating years of waiting to make your family complete. As far as health insurance, another question you had, most of the children in the system are Title IV-E eligible which makes them automatically eligible for Medicaid. When children are eligible under this program the family income does not become a factor. If you have your own insurance and wish to cover your adopted children you retain the medical card and it is used to supplement what your private insurance doesnt pay.
To the foster parent who parents teens and is having a hard time with the agency. Isnt is amazing that you are good enough to adopt one child and to continue doing foster care for that agency but not good enough to adopt other children? When switching agencies, which you will need to do, interview each agency until you find one that you feel comfortable with and will accomodate your needs as far as representing you. I myself have been in that situation as well as knowing many others who have been treated negatively when the foster agency has learned that you intend to adopt thus no longer will be a resource for their agency. The main reason I will no longer do foster care is that you more than likely end up with children in your home that are probably not going to be available and then you are told you are at your limit of children thus you cannot inquire of other children, etc etc. Maybe the wait is longer when you are not in the foster care process but if your goal is adoption and you are in a state that you can do adoption only , it is what I and many others suggest as the best route.
I know this site is supposed to be for suggestions for a new ad campaign. I have no objections to the ads and think they are quite dear, however, I would suggest that possibly more informative ads or an education program may be money better spent. Many people end up frustrated with the process and give up simply because they were not informed at the beginning of how long and frustrating it is. I am fortunate to have a worker who in fact did inform me it may be a long wait and has kept me in the loop the entire time.
I have adopted three children over the years and would like to add to my family and am actively pursuing that however, all of my sons have special needs and while they are not difficult children to parent for the most part, I now find that not only am I battling the fact that I am single and older, but the type of children in my home. I now have caseworkers telling me I have my "hands full" or that they dont feel it would be good for "normal" children to live in a home with children with these "special" needs but also dont want to place any more special needs children with me because I already have my "hands full". IF in fact I did have my "hands full" I would not be searching to add to my family. LOL And even though at one time I was a single parent to 4 bio children, had a step son who chose to reamain with me rather than to go with his father, as well as was doing foster care, there is always a concern that being single I cannot handle a large group of children. All in all, I have learned that if a caseworker decides that they dont want you for a child, they will find a way to eliminate you from the selection process regardless of the way one can rationalize their reasoning. It is just a matter of waiting until such time as you get a "break" and believe me, while I hate to think of it in those terms, that is exactly what it is. Someone finally going a little out on the limb and cutting you a break. No matter how unfair it seems or is, if you want to adopt children from the system you have no choice but to work within the system.
Again, maybe the money for the ad campaign should focus on what the adoptive parents need to be prepared to do in order to adopt from the system. If the caseworkers and adoption workers arent willing to be honest about this with their clients then someone needs to be. It makes it much easier to remain in this process when you know what to expect and dont walk into it thinking that it is a walk in the park.
To rjones:
I'd like to know more about WACAAP. Who are they? What do the letters stand for? How exactly do they help, and how may they be contacted?
I have learned that many foreign countries will not let single males adopt. Thus, many agencies that handle foreign adoptions will not work with single males.
I'd like to know which countries will allow single males to adopt, as well as which agencies to go to.
It is actually WACAP, my mistake. They have a website where you can probably get most of your questions answered.
I dont know if this applies but my adoption worker and I were just having a chat the other day and she was telling me that for International Adoptions that some of the questions she HAS to ask are offensive to her. She did in fact mention China and that country specifically requires her to ask if a person attempting to adopt is gay. While I dont know for sure, I would assume if she is asking someone if they are gay, that would mean that they were single as if they had a same sex partner this would not be a question that needed an answer.
I understand why people who can afford it adopt out of the country as it seems like it takes less time than adopting from the system here in the US.
We have been trying to adopt for awhile now and we are very frustrated with the whole system. I can't get any help in TN and I refuse to believe that there are no children under the age of 10 that need a home. We are now looking into international adoption, although we cannot afford it. We are looking at grants and other things. We really wanted to get a child out of the system here in the states, but I feel like I am constantly pushing against people instead of working with people. It's been a very disappointing experience for us thus far.
Shaohannah's Hope is an organization that offers financial help to people who are trying to adopt from a foreign country. They are easy to find on the web.
In the majority of cases, children registered on Adoptuskids.org are legally free. There are a few exceptions. Some states require that a placement be made before termination of parental rights (TPR) can take place. So, technically, the child is not legally free but will be after a family is identified and placement is made.
Another possibility is that the a child, who is not yet legally free, is listed as a result of a court order. In this case the court may be “testing the waters” to see what the possibility of permanent placement might be. If a family is found TPR will proceed.
You are probably aware that termination can take many months. It is possible that the child you inquired on is in the process of TPR. We are sorry for the frustration this has caused you.
Helen Owens
Website Project Director
Adoptuskids.org
you lie when you say you dont have to be perfect. that is a lie my step child lied about her father and becouse of that we cannot help foster/adopt a child in need.
she dose not even live inthe some house are state we live in but thay are going to take her word over the children that live with us.
In response the statement about focusing on recruitment of foster parents I would say that you would find the same type of problems of kids needing foster homes and people willing to foster but once again red tape and overloaded workers prevent things from happening. We haven't have as much trouble as friends of ours have who have been trying to get licenced in our state for 2 yrs ,or others who have been registered for 6 months and told there are no kids who fit for them while they call my house and ask if I will take them. It's very sad that it seems it dosen't matter if you want to foster or adopt or what agency you go with you hear the same story. The kids are the ones who are hurt by all this
Well we have been tring to adpot now for 3 years or more. We have only had 2 workers every contact us but after the first contact they never did contact us again or even return our calls. We are doing foster to adopt have been now for almost 3 years. We do find it hard when a child leaves our home but find it makes us happy to see this also if they get to go back to there BIO family. :o) We did how ever just lose one of our kids that we were tring to adopt. They placed him with family members in another state. They never asked to see pictures to talk to us about him to find out any thing at all. We were told by the case workers the reason why we were not picked was the other family made more money then we did. Well to find out the other family can not ever afford a cell phone, internet or even cabel for the kids to watch TV. I work for one of the worlds largest Pharmaceutical company and yet do not make enough money. He had been with us since he was born and left us when he was almost 2. Back to what I was talking about we have had our profile up for like I said 3 years and still no cantact even after we add them to our list and do everything we need to we fax, email and mail copys of our home study just to get no response back. I b#&%^#@ enough. I am in Kansas so maybe that is the problem also. The agency we use is very gay friendly and have adopteed out to gay couples.
I am trying so hard today to remain positive. I really am. However, I posted earlier about going on 3 weeks, waiting for a decision, and I STILL haven't heard. The worker atleast emailed me this past week. Can you believe she said that they would tell me "next week." That's all I get. VERBATIM.
So, in the mean time, we are inquiring about other cases. One specifically interested me. I had looked at this large sibling group for ATLEAST 1 1/2 yrs..maybe 2. 4 boys and one girl. Ages 8-14. I, like everyone else said, "4 boys? Oy." But I took a second look at them, and read more, and they seem like GREAT kids. NO problemms. How often do you find that? I inquired, and as soon as I did, I didn't regret it one bit. I thought, "this one feels differently." I mean, they have been free for SOOOO long. Not to pat myself on the back or anything, but SURELY, a great active, family, with a super male role model in the USAF...I imagined that this state would jump for joy when they got our inquirie. Within 2 days, they requested our homestudy. Yeah! NOt a surprise! It got sent of the next day. I began to "get over" the sibling group that we were getting the run around from, and concentrate on this new possibility. However...that's the last we've heard. Not a "no thank you." not a, "you're great." not even a ,"we've received you homestudy." NOTHING. I've emailed, and today I called and left a voice mail. These kids have been in the system for SOOO long! It gets so frustrating!!
So, i have my complaints for the above problems, but how do I get it across to the big sibling group social worker that, "hey! we'd much rather have your group than the one we are being considered for in another state. So if you want us, speak up!! Please!!" How do you do that without offending or coming off rude? I mean, this is a big decision! And although, if they called today and said we got the 2 boys, I'd be estatic... if I had to choose, I'd rather have the large sibling group.
Why such a long wait on kids that have been in the system for YEARS?
sorry to write so much. :)
As the RRT for Tennessee, I have been getting a lot of questions from prospective parents regarding out of state adoptions. I recognize that out of state adoptions require an ICPC process and that it can add to the length of time it takes to complete an adoption. When I worked directly in adoptions (about seven years ago), I never had to complete an out of state adoption, so I'm really just needing to know whether there is anyone who has had some success and if so, about how much more time did it seem to add to the wait. Obviously, with the advent of the internet and sites such as Adopt Us Kids, people are able to imagine going beyond the geographical region to identify children they feel might be a good match.
annonymous who is trying so hard today to remain positive - if you email me your state or contact info i will see that this is followed. it is very unlikely that many families have expressed interest in this large sib group.
kate
kkirkpatrick@adoptuskids.org
I just visited President-Elect Obama's webpage and he has a section calling for your vision of America. Regardless of how you voted in the presidential election, please add your voice about the broken foster care system and/or adoption process in this country.
I have filled out the form for an RRT to contact me and I the only thing I received was something in the mail that was basically telling me how to go through the adoption process. I know how to do that! lol I don't know what I expected from an RRT, but I guess I expected more than that. I feel like I'm constantly calling people, sending in inquiries, and submitting my homestudy and we can't get anywhere! We are willing to take a sibling group and kids with disabilities. What's wrong with US???
One of my neighbours was really keen on knowing more about your post. Can you give me mo9re details about your website?
I want someone...anyone, or any amount of people, Social workers, case workers...to be BLUND honest with me. We have been trying to adopt for close to a year now. We have 3 bio kids...youngest being 7 months old. No, we aren't crazy or overwhelmed. We have just always wanted a big family, and we just figured that we could also obtain a big family by means of adoption as well as biologically. HOWEVER... I think the reason we aren't getting any second looks is the fact of our infant. We spent a lot of money and time on this, and I fear that people are asking for our homestudy,and they think we are overwhelmed. Not the case at all. I keep hearing, "call us back when the baby 5 yrs old." Well, hopefully by then, we'll have had another one! Will some caseworkers/ socialworkers who look over this please be honest with me? Would YOU give a child/sibling group to us with an infant?
We also have the same problem...our youngest is two and we inquire about all ages...but I think that when they see we have a two year old they just throw our homestudy away without even thinking about it or asking us about it. I know that we have younger children (we have four between the ages of 2-10 but we would LOVE to have more! If we are willing and ready to take them, why should they sit in foster care any longer just because we aren't "perfect". I can understand those who cannot be placed with younger children due to them having issues, that's fine. But what about those who don't have issues? Again, why not us?
ha ha. perhaps they won't give us any more kids because I don't know how to spell the word, "BLUNDT."
ha ha.
To all: There are numberous posts on this site from anonymous persons using the forum as a medium to express frustration and anger. We, as well, are currently experiencing the seeming lack of cooperation from case workers. As I am very close to someone who works within the Foster system, I know that it is "broke". However, our comments about the red tape or the never ending bueracracy will fall on deaf ears if there is not some level of credibility to the poster. Your real name need not be used, but an established user name, etc., would allow those persons who may be in position to take action on some of the issues raised, to do so.
I am not posting this to upset anyone, or imply that any post is insincere, but I want everyone who has experienced difficulties with being matched or the never ending "wait in the dark" to be heard.
As the old saying goes: "you can't fix it until you know what's broke", holds incredibly true. I also would like some answers to questions, and I hope that my continued experience with this site is as good as it has been so far.
In the last two weeks, we have made inquiries on several sibling groups, and have received the initial response on all inquiries within 48 hours. Now, we will see if the case workers can follow through with their responsibilities of getting the other agencies the correct and proper information.
I wish all the best of luck, and pray that those who are frustrated to the point of quitting to stay the course and keep faith that there IS a child, or children, out there that are meant for your home. Let us provide the credible feedback to the professionals to help them help others.
Thank you for the opportunity to express my thoughts on this issue.
I just always use "anonymous" because I am usually in a hurry and don't have an account. Well, here...I signed up for one. But first, I also want to say, that sometimes I would/ and will STILL use anonomys for fear that my caseworker/social workers will read this blog. Somemtimes I need to vent about them inparticular, and don't want it coming back on me.
Ok I have read most of the posts and I think the system around here are really flawed I haven't adopted yet but I would like to someday. The reason for the post is that I know a child who was put back into a bad home after she was put into foster care. And the reason for that is that 3 of the caseworkers were going to be leaving roughly about the same time. And all the other caseworkers were overloaded. I have been thinking of fostering,or fostering to adopt since I was 18 and being only 21,I really dont know how to go about any of it. I would like to know that all kids could have the type of family home i had growing up.
SJarvis:
I just have a question, I agree completely with your post. My question is a bit off topic, but, I was surprised to read you have put in several inquiries over the last 2 weeks. Is that how it is usually done? What if you get matched more than once? I am just curious as my homestudy will be done before Thanksgiving and I thought I would just be doing one at a time and if it fell through, try another. I guess I must be wrong? Is it common to apply for a sibling group and not get picked? The more I read, the more it seems there is to know, and I dont want to have the whole year my study is good and not get matched. I never dreamed that was even a possibility until reading this thread. We just have room in our hearts and our home for more kids, and hope to keep a sibling group together. Thanks for any advice I appreciate it.
I think most people here prefer to use anonymous for fear of being blacklisted in some way or another and believe me, it happens! If you complain, you get seen as a "problem" and little is done to help. The number of children in the system waiting for a home doesn't come into it!
To the last poster that was asking if you usually submitted more than one homestudy...I too thought that you would submit and homestudy for a child, then see if it got accepted, if not move on the next one. What I've learned in the last year of doing this is that it is always best to be constantly putting your homestudy out for children you think you would be a good match for. There is so much "competition" (for lack of better word) for all of these kids, it's best to just keep looking and contacting people and getting your name and homestudy out there. We have been at it for over a year now and we're still going. Good luck to you and just have faith. That's what they keep telling us anyway. lol!!!
and to the person who said something about posting anonymously...I think that people feel more comfortable expressing their frustrations about their case workers, or just the system in general when they don't have to use their name. Some workers read this blog and i think that people are afraid if they see their worker sees their name on here they will be blacklisted or considered grouchy and ungrateful. Make sense??
As an adoption worker I've been surprised to read people's comments about the 'perfect parent' campaign. I've seen posts from people who believe that there aren't really kids available needing homes, and that agencies routinely turn them down because they're a single parent or have a number of kids already in the home.
In the relatively short time I've been an adoption worker (almost 2 years) I've gotten to know incredible kids who are waiting for a family - and meet innumerable families waiting to be matched. I wish that we could make connections more often, but the kids in the greatest need for homes aren't the most sought after. The older kids, large sibling groups, kids with moderate to severe impairments (especially emotional/behavioral) are the ones that wait the longest, often aging out of the system without a family. Because of their circumstances, they often can't be placed with a family who has other children because they could be a danger to those kids.
It's so frustrating to be a worker for these incredible kids trying so hard to find a family and having to turn down wonderful ones because they aren't a match. I personally love working with large families because they have tons of experience with kids and a lot of support. About half of my kids are placed with single parents. Once I'm contacted by a family and receive their homestudy, I keep it on file in case I add a new child onto my caseload who might be a match for them.
I'm on the AUSK site daily, and am often seeking out and contacting families cold (without them inquiring) because I think they *might* be a match for a child. But yet there are kids on my caseload who I fear will turn 18 without anyone having adopted them.
I know adoptive parents have it hard - the waiting, the uncertainty, feeling a connection with a child only to have them be matched with someone else, workers who discourage them from doing out-of-state adoptions, etc, etc, etc... But the truth of the matter is finding an adoptive match is not about the families, it's about the kids. Yes, you should have a worker who guides you, supports you, and shows you the respect that you deserve, but ultimately the adoptive match is not about what's right for the family, but what's going to be right for the child. Now, obviously if the match would not be for the family, that's not going to work either.... but from the standpoint of the childs adoption worker, the first and most important thing is the childs best interest.
I read family profiles and get attached, just like you do when you read the kids profiles - I WANT to place one of my kids in a wonderful family like yours. I see loving, nurturing people and wish that they were seeking to adopt an older child, or one that has spent time in residential, or has a history of sexual abuse or harming animals... I wish that they would consider adopting a 17 year old who has no real behavioral problems, but is going to age out of the system because he's an African American male with developmental delays. I wish they would consider the child who identifies as bisexual, or wants to stay in touch with their birthmom through letters.
I wish that I could match every child with a family and every family with a child, but kids are not made to order and either are families... if they were, I'd be happy to be out of a job.
It is not uncommon at all to make many, many inquiries and not be matched with any of them. So, be prepared to blitz the system with your home study and pray that some worker somewhere will think you are "perfect" for someone they are trying to place. It does happen, but it's not easy.
I do not know if there are 'rules' about the number of inquiries you should submit. I had read similarly that it was necessary to submit several in order to get a response or two. Initially, we only submitted one or two inquiries, but soon found that some caseworkers don't respond at all, some respond that the child is on hold, some take such a long time to respond, you've forgotten them; I think some even quit and the case is passed on, which prolongs the whole process.
Hi everyone. I am just in the early stages of adopting. My husband and I really want to add a daughter to our family but he is actually out of work right now so we know a social worker would just laugh at us. BUT- as soon as he gets a new job and we get back on our feet we plan to apply to adopt. I am in NC and I've heard that our system here is about as bad as you can get as far as wait times for a match.
My questions are these: What kind of income do you need to show to be "qualified" Do you have to have Health Insurance? (I think I was told most kids in Foster-adopt are eligible fore Medicaid) Is there a rule to square footage in the house?
I have many more questions but these are the three that I can't get my DSS to answer at all. We have 2 boys ages 9 and 14 and really want to experience raising a girl. Id prefer between the ages of 4-8 and am open to siblings as well (both girls). The one worker I met with told me I was wasting my time if I wanted a white child under 10. Is she right? If so, why do I look on Adoptuskids and see 2 or 3 girls that fit my requirements? Im not even in the system yet and I'm frustrated! Anyone else here in NC that can give me some insight?
Thanks in advance!
Jen
I would just like to say that the best way to find a child(ren) is to saturate the system with your home study. I have inquired about literally hundreds of children over the past two years. I have received calls from workers who have children on their caseload that I didnt inquire about due to my study being passed from one worker to another. I would highly suggest that you search each and every site available and have your study sent to all workers who have children who may be a match to your family.
jen...
i'm in nc and would love to talk to you. weve been foster parents since 2005, and our hstudy was completed in feb of 2008.
Hello Pessimistic Optimist,
My name is Elizabeth Brescia, and I work with The Collaboration to AdoptUsKids. I’m glad that you completed the request-to-be-contacted form!
Yes, you were supposed to receive the packet that you described in your post. On the inside of the packet was the contact information for your Recruitment Response Team (RRT). They tried to email you or left a message for you within three business days of receiving your information, plus you can go ahead and contact your RRT any time that you want to. That’s what is great about having their contact information.
Or, if you prefer, you can call me at 1-888-200-4005 or email me at info@adoptuskids.org.
Thank you,
Elizabeth Brescia
AdoptUsKids
Maesie,
I just don't get it. You are an adoption worker and even YOU say that families are needed for large sibling groups. That's what I thought when we started this. But there must be a LARGE amount of people out there with the same thing in mind because we haven't gotten a second look. Most likely due to our infant and bio kids?
I hear what you are saying, "child's best interest." But, and maybe I'm wrong, but isn't that just too a point? I mean, we have inquired about everybody it seems :) We just get a run around. A boy from NY who was 19.... they didn't want to relocate him to our state. Well, then don't put him on here. Or atlest say that in the write up? Or what is worse (and I am HONESTLY curious on your opinion here) having children split up, age out of the system and/or in foster care for over 5 years...or moving them to a new state, or to a family that *gasp* has an infant? One of my biggest pet peeves is when I find a child that is ideal for us age wise, interest wise, and then I read, "would be best as an only child." Grrr.... what is that code for? It's just too bad. Some cases, I can see that. But some others...you just think that it would be "to a point." I don't know. This blog is wonderful for being able to vent our frustrations. I appreciate it more than you know.
I guess I just wish someone would start being honest with us. Something has got to be "up." WIth so little requirements in what we are looking for, I just don't honestly understand why we don't have any childrent yet. The most honesty I get is, "well, aren't you having trouble adjusting to the baby?" No. I'm not. Why ask if you aren't going to believe me? If I was having trouble adjusting to an infant (my 3rd) then WHY in the WORLD would I go and ask for LOTS of more kids? It just doesn't make sense.
I have been reading posts for some time and I just wanted to add a little bit of encouragement. My husband and I were approved for foster-to-adopt in 2/06. Like many others here, I thought we would be matched very quickly. We have raised 2 daughters to adulthood, have a 17 year old daughter still at home and are financially stable.
To the contrary, we sent homestudy after homestudy and rarely did we even receive a phone call back.
It was quite frustrating and although I tried to be patient there were several times that I was ready to give it up.
In July of 2006, I found the photolisting of a little boy in California (we live in Virginia). I submitted an inquiry and exchanged a few emails with his caseworker.
After two visits to California, Jay (then 3 years old) came to live with us. His adoption was final earlier this year and we couldn't be happier!
Yes, the system is difficult, frustrating and just plain cumbersome. But in the end there is a child there for each one of us. A child who desperately needs a home.
We are now looking for a sibling for Jay and again, it has not been easy. But we will continue to look knowing that when the time is right our child will be found.
Please hang on - try to find the patience to persevere and you too will find a child (or children). They are out there - they do need us - but we have to work with the system that is in place.
And yes, I do agree that the system needs to be improved and we can all be a part of that . . .but until then keep trying for the kids.
Best of luck to all,
Cheryl in Virginia
Cheryl in VA,
You were approved in 2/06 and were matched 4 months later? Do you see why the rest of us are frustrated? And you were matched all the way across the country. I guarantee you, if you had younger kids you wouldn't have gotten him. I'm going on a year of this now. It took a lot of belt tightening to pay for our homestudy, and to know that it will expire in about 8 months is EXTREMELY frustrating. We don't have money to do this twice. Thinking about that just makes me want to cry. Our local office refused to certify us for adoption because we really were interested in were in a different state. They got personally offended and refused to help us unless we adopted from our homme state. To think that we have gone on this roller coaster ride of adopting for nothing...it's a scary thought. But we can't just keep paying for homestudy after homestudy, only to get denial after denial.....all because we want to help out kids. We already have 3 of our own. So, if you ask me if we'll pay for another homestudy? I doubt it. Something needs to happen quickly for us, or we won't be adopting.
question: If my homestudy expires, in June, but we get a foster/adopt placement before that, do we have to do another one in order for the adoption to finalize? Atleast it would be worth it then.
In response to anonymous -
There definitely is a need for families who will take large sibling groups - especially older ones with special needs. In the last year I've seen an increase in families who want to adopt siblings - and in fact they refuse to even consider single children because it's their mission to keep siblings together. I commend them on this, but I wish they would consider kids who don't have anyone to count on.
If workers are truly not considering you because of your infant, I really don't understand that... unless it' because they are leery of placing a child in a home with a young defenseless baby, or because your other children are having a difficult time adjusting to the new baby. I'm sure there are other valid reasons but it's my first Saturday off in weeks so my brain is slow to warm up...
As far as the 19 year old who refused to be relocated, I understand how frustrating that is. I photolist all of my kids whether they want to stay in my state or not (but specify if they want to stay in-state). I try and work with my kids to get them to consider an out-of-state placement, but most of them are not even open to considering it. I have a fantastic 17 year old boy on my caseload, and I would never even think about moving him further than 200 miles from his current placement because he's established very close relationships with people around him (who are unable to adopt, but that doesn't make their life-long relationship any less important). I have another 17 year old girl who won't move more than 50 miles from her grandmothers house. Then there's my 15 year old who is willing to go anywhere in the country to find a family, but I can't find anyone that wants to adopt him because he's sexually acted out in the past :(
Kids over the age of 13 also have to consent to their own adoption, and are often leery of leaving the geographic area they live in (which may have been the only consistent thing in their lives), especially if they have trust issues and doubt that anyone will ever really commit to adopting them. In some of their minds, you're just another person who will send them away once getting to know what they're really like. Why go to another state to experience that again?
I hate to see my kids age out of the system, and it breaks my heart that the two 17 year olds I mentioned probably are going to age out without being adopted... but I can't force them into a placement or it won't work out. Siblings being split breaks my heart as well, but the decision has usually been made long before they come onto my caseload (I'm with Wendy's Wonderful Kids, and we only recruit for the hardest to place kids - they've usually been waiting for at least 2 years for a family).
As far as the whole "must be youngest or only child in the home" - I hate having to write that - it limits our kids from finding a family; however; it means that the child has certain characteristics that would not work well with younger children in the home. Obviously, we can't put a child who is sexually acting out into a home with young children. Other kids may not put younger children at risk, but will need undivided parental attention in order to overcome their emotional/behavioral challenges.
I'll be the first to admit that some workers limit their kids placement options without truly exploring what the child can honestly handle... They take the extra-safe route because they don't want it coming back on them if something happens. Or they have such a large caseload they're unable to explore the possibilities with kids. That's why I like my role as a WWK recruiter, I can only have a 12-15 kids on my caseload at a time, so I can truly devote all my time to getting to know them and finding the right match.
I still often end up in a bind... I want families to adopt my kids, I want those families to have experience with kids, but then the kids I'm recruiting for need to be the youngest or only kids in the home - and even though I search extensively to find a good match for them, it's very difficult to find families who have experience but don't currently have any kids in the home... (so I'm looking for empty nesters, first time parents, & parents of teens, open to moderate to severe impairments! - not easy to find! - but if you're reading this and you are one let me know!). Personally, if the child just needs to be the youngest, I can often fudge it by at least a year or two.
I don't know what geographic area you're in, but I'd be happy to read your homestudy and keep it on file if a child on my caseload comes up as a potential match for you. You'd have to contact the moderator to request we be able to exchange information, but I'm always looking for families - especially those that will consider older kids, kids with moderate-severe emotional/behavioral impairments, especially sexual acting out and cruelty to animals.
I really hope that all the families on here find matches, please don't give up... there is a child out there waiting for you. Maybe it's not the child you thought it would be when you started the process, but they are out there. Ask your worker about attending Adoption Match parties where you can meet children waiting to be adopted - at our most recent event, a family that came to meet a young sibling group of three met a 13 year old girl and are now pursuing that adoption instead - they felt a connection with her and knew she was their daughter.
Talk to your worker and ask them why they think it's taking so long to get a placement. Read your homestudy and ensure it acurately describes your family. And know that the commitment it takes to wait for a placement is nothing compared to the commitment it will take to raise that child - frustration, patience, and understanding are qualities every parent needs!
Maesie, I'd like to send you my home study. Where may I send it? I have been trying for 5 years and the serious interest in me has been rare. Yes, I am open to older kids, sibling groups, and otherwise not perfect kids. I'd enjoy having at least one of each gender, but a larger mix is acceptable. Thanks.
I think that this "system" is indeed a "business" and it is unique from others in that it is much more "human" than other businesses. No matter what side of it you are on, emotions, personal biases, and personal preferences play into it. As an adoptive parent one has preconceived ideas of what one is looking for in a child and as a caseworker one has the same in looking for a family for a child. This will never change unless we totally "dehumnaize" the process and it is a mystery to me how that could be done without harming all of the people involved.
Being a parent is often considered a difficult task and at times it can be but we all have our limits and we all have our little niches in life. An artist, a musician, an athlete are just a few of the professions out there that I could never do because it isnt my "thing" but comes easily to those who do it. Being a parent is my niche and it comes easy to me and I do it well. I hear all the time from people when they see me out with my boys that I have my "hands full". When thinking of it I think my usual response, if I give one at all, is "not really" because being a parent just seems to come naturally for me. It doesnt take a lot of effort or "work" on my part just like painting doesnt to an artist, music doesnt to a musician and running doesnt to an athlete. It is just what we do. When you are doing something you genuinely love, whether it is your career or within your personal life, it comes naturally and easily.
I too become annoyed at times when I am asked by a worker if I dont already have too many children or if I am sure I can take on more. If I wasnt sure that I could do this, I would not be looking for more children. The people closest to me realize this and support me but caseworkers have a tendency to not to want to over burden a parent. Of course, the caseworkers we are dealing with know us only on "paper" and the few minutes we may meet with them by phone or rarely in person so it is natural for them to have their doubts. This is why I think it is so important to have an adoption worker who does know you well and can represent you well. It can make all the difference in the world.
I too become frustrated with some of the requirements the caseworkers are looking for when matching children to a family. I think the one that comes to mind first is the "only child". In my opinion and from knowing many people who have adopted, an "only child" isnt what they want, they are adopting because they love children and want to parent more children. They can place a child with you on the pretense of "only child" however, once the adoption is finalized, there is no more input from that worker and one can simply start searching and add to their family as they see fit so that requirement seems moot to me. However, I do agree that there may be some children in the system who do need strictly one on one attention and who should not be around other children thus the need for that requirement in some cases. All in all it comes down to the caseworker needing to do what is best for the child to and to do all they can to see to it the child doesnt end up moving yet again due to a disruption.
I agree also that sometimes the workers give the kids too much room in the decision making process. I can understand an older teen wishing to stay in their home state as even if they dont have family, be it bio or foster, they have friends and ties to the community that they probably dont want to sever. On the other hand, I know of a case where a 10 and 12 yr old were permitted to turn down a wonderful home with a prosepective parent they liked over 150 miles in distance. They evidentally were also given several different families to visit with at the same time. To me that is just ridiculous as children who are in the system and have been in the system for any length of time know the "ropes". It is just my opinion but it seems that all it did was give these kids a chance to maybe figure out which family would be best for them to "get their way" with and not who would be the best parent fo them for the long run. At that age, I dont think those children were capable of making that kind of major, life altering decision. What these children want is indeed important as they have already had such a poor start in life but workers also need to use a little common sense when catering to the wishes of these kids.
Another thing I find amazing is that most workers, due to me being single and older, wont even consider me for a younger child, however, they will consider me for very young children who have severe medical needs that will require life long care. If they are concerned that I wont be around to fully raise a toddler that is "normal" due to my age, then why would they offer me a child that will require care well beyond the age of adulthood as I most certainly wont be around when they are 30? Or the excuse that I have too many children that are special in their needs to bring "normal" children in the home but will offer me even more children who have needs even more severe than my sons? It makes no sense to me that when it comes to children with fewer issues and more "normal" behaviors that I would be "overloaded" yet they will consider me seriously for a child or children with severe disabilities that would require much more attention and "work". I fail to find the logic in that.
I am in the process of bringing home two new sons and this may well be "it" for me, I am not sure, however, I have in fact raised only boys in my lifetime and would seriously consider a girl. With my 3 (soon to be 5) sons I wonder if anyone will consider me for this. Having a girl would be like her being an only child so maybe it will work out in the future, I dont know, but I am sure that there will also be some hitches along the way if I decide that it is something I want to pursue.
What I have learned in this process it to take each day as it comes, consider each child as they are presented and go from there. Trying to make sense of a system that makes no sense is futile and causes more frustration. One has to learn, like it or not, to go with the flow of things and work within the system as best you can. In the end, bringing your new family together is worth the wait and the frustrations so all of you hang in there for the duration.
Chmae
I like it that we are getting feedback from workers on here. It really helps us understand different points of view.
One of the last people said,"If they are concerned that I wont be around to fully raise a toddler that is "normal" due to my age, then why would they offer me a child that will require care well beyond the age of adulthood as I most certainly wont be around when they are 30? Or the excuse that I have too many children that are special in their needs to bring "normal" children in the home but will offer me even more children who have needs even more severe than my sons? It makes no sense to me that when it comes to children with fewer issues and more "normal" behaviors that I would be "overloaded" yet they will consider me seriously for a child or children with severe disabilities that would require much more attention and "work". I fail to find the logic in that."
This is what I don't get either. We continuously get turned down because of our infant, and they worry whether or not I could handle any more, but they try to give me sever medical needs as well.
Or they know full well my ages of my kids, and they want to give me kids who have sexual abuse history with other kids. Why is this? Are some workers just more desperate than others? Our requirements: No sexual abuse history or acting out, No physical aggression acting out, no cruelty to animals. No severe problems. Moderate is okay. Any Age, any sex, any amount of kids. Still nothing.
Any feedback on why they think that I can't handle more kids (to which I have YEARS of experience with), but they want to give me a case in which it is severe, and I admittedly have NO experience?
Thanks.
Now I am even more frustrated. I just saw a little boy that I have inquired about before on a Heart Gallery. I have left messages with this little boys worker, to no avail. I have sent emails to his worker, with no response, and now he's been placed on a Heart Gallery website. Even if his worker didn't like us for whatever reason, she could've answered at least one of my emails or messages. I am just more and more aggravated everyday. We really wanted this little boy and thought we would be a good fit for him. I am just so disappointed.
Maesie, I am authorizing Kate to release my email address to you so that you can tell me where to send my home study to you.
First, back to the ad campaign...don't even go with that slogan! It will just set people up for frustration later. Maybe just focus on the facts, such as most kids available for adoption are teens, list their common issues, offer ways to get more info. If this all really about "what's best for the kids" than why beat around the bush about the type of kids really available. Second, we have inquired on over 40 kids over the last year (only 1 from our home state as they have no photo listings or any way to look for kids in state yourself). Mostly, we get no response at all from workers. Occasionally we get an auto-generated email requesting we send our homestudy and then nothing. We have a 16 year old and a six year old. We would consider siblings but do not have the "required rooms" for sibling groups according to some workers but that is okay with others. Of the few responses we do get from workers, I get the idea that if you do not have "experience with special needs children" or currently have a younger than teenage child in the home-your wait will be long and you will not likely adopt until you foster (to get the special needs experience) and you have had to wait so long your young child is now nearly grown.
In the words of a worker from this blog:- and even though I search extensively to find a good match for them, it's very difficult to find families who have experience but don't currently have any kids in the home... (so I'm looking for empty nesters, first time parents, & parents of teens, open to moderate to severe impairments! - not easy to find! - but if you're reading this and you are one let me know!).
So unless you are one of these groups, don't hold your breath.
Maybe matching would best be done by a decent sized committee of people with varied backgrounds rather than one or two workers. At least convicted felons get an entire jury to decide their fate! Don't these children deserve at least the same!
Thanks for listening to my rant. And you can bet I've been bending my law makers ears!
Don't give up everyone! The squeaker wheel gets the oil!
familyonhold
Well, I am now a member of the century club. I have inquired about 100 cases on adoptuskids now. Now, some might already be gone when I inquire, and they just haven't taken down the picture. Or, some, I receive more info on, and we decide to opt out and not inquire more...but that's not many. You add those 100 cases to other inquiries we've done on seperate state sights, and we've got to be real close to 200. 200 cases/inquiries since Feb. of 2008.
And still nothing. *sigh*
Who knew?
I want to respond to the person who is looking to adopt and has been trying to no avail for over a year (guess that description matches many of us here!).
I wrote about adopting our 3 year old son (now 5) from California after completing our homestudy in Feb. 06 - we found our son in July 06 and were selected as his adoptive placement in Sept. 06.
What I didn't explain is that we, too, started on this journey in April 2005 and it took until 2006 to get our homestudy finished! We completed all the requirements quickly but due to staffing changes and other "administrative" problems our homestudy was not complete for nearly a year.
So it certainly didn't seem like only "months" until we were sucessfully matched. We inquired about 100's of children too during those first months of looking.
I don't know what state you are in, but in Virginia, we completed our training and homestudy under Virginia's waiting child grant. Our training and homestudy costs were absorbed by the state of Virginia. Once we were match with a child from out-of-state, we were obligated to reimburse our agency for the cost of the classes and the homestudy.
We did not pay for the homestudy upfront and have not paid since to keep all our information up-to-date. I can certainly understand why you would not want to pay annually for your homestudy to be updated.
I would think that most states offer some type of financial assistance for expenses related to your adoption attempt. I do think you can deduct your expenses on your federal taxes (even if you have not had a child placed with you).
I hope you find your child(ren) soon!
Cheryl in Virginia
familionhold-
I agree with you. I am the one with the infant that writes on here often. As I was telling my husband the other night...who knows who is deciding our fate? No offense against young social workers, BUT of course it would be hard for them to understand how we would be able to handle such a large number of kids, and with an infant at the same time. For some social workers, the thought of themselves having children scares them. (i imagine anyway? I mean, there are ALWAYS people out there who don't want any or are scared of the thought...)
Are they able to look at us un-biasly? I would like more workers to pass it around also...
And to the person who tried so hard for the boy in the heart gallery. I am so sorry. I feel your pain. Really. There is a group of 4 from Arkansas that I have been inquiring about since BEFORE homestudy was even done. So we are talking about November, December of last year. They are still up. I have called and emailed probably close to 20 times. I even had their number in my speed dial on my phone under "Arkansas." I left voice mail after voice mail. NOTHING. I think it is SO extremely rude and unprofessional. It breaks my heart. They are still up in the system I think. I don't know...it hurts too much to look at them.
You guys have succeeded in scaring the heck out of me. My husband and I haven't even had a homestudy done yet and now I'm already doubting if we should start the process or just submit to the idea that we will never have children. Is there ANYONE out there who has had a good experience with the system?
To FamilyOnHold-
I just wanted to clear up when I said that I'm looking for certain types of parents (empty nesters, parents of teens, first time parents with experience working with kids)...
That comment was really in regard to the special kids on my own personal caseload - I work with the hardest to place kids in foster care so my role is very different from the average caseworker. I'm with Wendy's Wonderful Kids and we place the longest waiting kids in foster care (older kids, kids with moderate/severe emotional & behavioral impairments, large sibling groups, etc). Cases are referred to us through DHS or private agencies when their workers have been unable to find families for them. Once on my caseload, they receive child-focused recruitment along with efforts to find biological or fictive kin who may be able to provide permanency.
A lot of my kids are coming from residential treatment facilities and some have a history of sexual acting out, cruelty to animals, physically acting out towards peers or younger children, etc, etc. Those kids usually do best without younger kids in the home, and are my hardest to place (because I typically need to find those kinds of families mentioned above).
Most of my *CURRENT* caseload are kids who also need to be the youngest or only children in the home. The majority of these kids are the ones who I've been recruiting for almost 2 years without finding them a family... those are the challenging ones.
Of the other kids on my caseload (the ones that can be placed in homes with other children), I've placed them with large families (with up to 9 other kids), single parents, gay & lesbian couples, families with younger kids (including babies), families with no kids, families with no adoptive experience, and families who have tons.
I'm open to ANY family who has the commitment, desire, and ability to parent my kids!
Since the two in Tampa decided that they didn't want to move out of Tampa, apparently even if it means that they won't get adopted, I have had no new responses from workers.
Those who have seen my previous blogs know that I am experiencing the same frustration as most other people. Furthermore, I'm not sure that I even have a worker anymore. At least, she hasn't exactly tried to match me with any of the children represented by her agency, and she has not recently called me about any inquiries that she's received from workers.
Five years ago, I bought a 4 bedroom, 3 bath house for the purpose of raising children. I know that I am not the "perfect" parent, but I have a big, warm, nurturing heart, along with all of the love that is required. Furthermore, I am open to taking kids who also are not perfect. But, here sits my big, empty house, with beds and furniture in each bedroom, while kids age out of the system on a daily basis.
Hey, maybe I should open my home to kids who have aged out! I'm sure many of them need a place to stay.
Hi, I'm Terri from Va.-I'm a foster mom of 5 kids right now-and i want to encourage all of you to NOT GIVE UP! I have had rough times with my children, and yes, even with the system-but IT'S WORTH IT TO KEEP TRYING! I've been disappointed and frustrated too at times, but there are children out there and you just keep trying till you find a way! My husband and i wanted to adopt an infant-we were told the waiting list could be up to 7 years-that was 20 yrs. ago. Instead, we signed up as foster parents and have helped raise 14 children in 15 years. Most of these children were not eligible for adoption-but we became their "permanent/custodial" foster parents and we were able to keep them till they moved on. So I guess i just want to encourage you to keep trying-no matter what obsticles come your way-be persistent, creative and flexible-because kids need you!
I wish someone would tell the state of Tennessee, and in particular the Tennessee Department of Children's Services that "you don't have to be perfect to be a foster parent". I'm here to tell you that there are some workers with Tennessee DCS (particularly in the Hamblen County -- Morristown TN office) that believe you do have to be perfect.
I made a mistake over a year ago, and contacted a foster mom of one of our former foster children. I did not disclose my identity, and began asking q's about what she thought about former foster parents having visitations and ongoing relationships with their former foster children. I did this because (at that time) for over 9 months we had been trying to see her current (at the time) foster child, only to be told "not at this time" and "this is not a good idea right now" and never being given a solid reason why. This is a child whom we made a promise to that we'd keep in touch and that she could come back "home". I would have never felt the need to seek out answers for myself if DCS had just been forthright with us. Along the way, this foster mother began telling me things I had no right knowing, and began really putting down another one of her foster children. She had already posted pictures and identified these children online, so I felt I had no choice but for the well being of both of these kids, to turn her in along with the emails. The outcome? Our home was closed --- yes, you read that right. We had never had any problems with violating any of DCS' policies. We were good foster parents, and had the record to prove it(even in the short year and half we fostered *and that being 14 children*). We paid for a lot of things out of pocket... and I am sure that does not surprise many foster parents who read this... you do end up doing that... but it was ok with us. There were even two times that our foster parent support had to call and remind us that we needed to turn in our info for the board rate checks... we had forgotten. We attended the child and family team meetings, the perm plans, and all of our foster parent association meetings. We raised money to be able to give the foster parents special checks to buy the kids Christmas presents even though we didn't have any children in our home at Christmas. Only *3* of the foster parents showed up at that bake sale (my husband and myself being 2 of the 3) --- out of about 20 foster parents.... wasn't that terrible of us? Same way with the yard sale we had.... we gave and gave... and that was still alright.
So.... back to the reason our home was closed. We got a letter stating that because I had identified myself online as a foster parent, had a MySpace profile, and had other foster parents on my friends' list, I was not suitable material for foster parenting. Children would not be safe in my home, and I had compromised my own safety as well. My page, by the way, did not have my name on it at the time, nor did it have my city (I made up a city's name --- good thing to do on MySpace)... I did not have pictures of any of our foster children, former or at the time present, nor their names.
We appealed and were denied. At the appeal, our foster parent support worker (or resource parent support worker as DCS calls it) was suppose to be there. He didn't show up, instead he called in. He had a phone conversation with the lady hearing our appeal that we weren't allowed to be a part of nor allowed to hear. After two months we recieved another letter letting us know that our appeal had been denied and why our home was being kept closed (same reasons were stated).
We took a rest and tried to train ourselves in the year that we've not been foster parents. Then we tried to go through Youth Villages and be foster parents for them. That was fine and dandy with them. They were really nice and cooperative, especially when they saw pics of our home, our original study, and that we'd close to 60 hours of training in the prior year -- when DCS only required 15 hours per parent continued training each year. They were so enthusiastic about letting us foster for them that a worker was going to meet us at a local restaurant and see what we could do about the extra training we would need for dealing with level 2 teens. Everything was fine, until she called DCS. I had not tried to hide anything, I was upfront about our home being closed, and the fact that I did not like DCS nor see eye to eye on some things. But someone at DCS told her that our home had been closed "not in the best of circumstances" and that we were closed in "not in good standing" status. I did not understand the full implications of that status at the time, but I was getting ready to be well educated in the power of DCS in Tennessee over foster and adoptive homes.
You see, in Tennessee, the Department of Children's Services has to approve a home as well as an agency. DCS has final say of approval through Nashville. If DCS has a home listed in TN Kids (which is the database used to catalog foster and adoptive parents and homes)-- if a home is listed as closed "not in good standing", that home can't be opened by another agency without the approval of DCS that the home be opened back up. To get your home opened back up, if you find yourself in this status in the system, you have to request for the regional administrator, either via your county's resource parent manager or on your own, to change that status, thus making you viable to be opened again (or be reactivated).
We would like to foster, but we began fostering with the hope and the goal to adopt. We can't have children, and I'm not getting younger, I want to raise a child, we want to raise and child and give that child love, hope, and a future. We want to share our hearts and home with a child, or children -- if God be willing.
That is where it really gets sticky. You see, in Tennessee, you have to be able to be approved as a resource home (a foster home) in order to adopt. Without being viable as foster parents, you cannot adopt in Tennessee, even from out of state. Once a child crossed that state line, the rules, policies, and standards of Tennessee DCS apply, just the same as if that child were a Tennessee DCS child to begin with.
We have begged, we have pleaded, we have asked if there isn't some form of corrective action that can be taken beside the closing of our home> We've offered to take PATH all over again, to go to special classes about whatever weakness DCS deems us to have. We have explained our situation,only to be ignored and sometimes flat out lied to. We've even been advised (off record) to move to another state if we ever want children. I guess that would be a state where you really don't have to be perfect. We aren't bad people. We've never abused any child in our care, never even been investigated for any alleged abuse at all. We've never had any trouble with the police, no records, nothing. We are clean. We own our own home, and even added another bedroom onto the home just so we could keep fostering after we adopted.
So this is why I say that someone should really tell DCS here in Tennessee that you don't have to be perfect to be a foster parent. I mean, I find it really hard to absorb (even after a year) that DCS' only solution to finding minor fault in a foster parent is to expel that foster parent and her spouse from the DCS kingdom, by closing their home. I find it even further sickening that it is preventing us from working with another agency or adopting another state's children. Because I used deception on another foster parent to try and find out answers that we really should have been afforded anyway, (and that is not really stated as a reason our home was closed... I only say that because that is the one thing that I am the most ashamed us... but I have made right with God for that...).... because I have a MySpace profile, and because I am friends with other foster parents online... I am not fit to be a mother? ---Ever?
What really bothers me is the unforgiving nature being displayed by DCS, the lack of tolerance, by people who have the children's lives and fates in their hands every day. I feel especially sorry for the teens (as anyone can attest to the resistant nature and behaviour of a teen)that are under the care of these people with hard as nails attitudes and a lack of understanding and unwillingness to allow somone to atone. That really upsets me and makes me sick with worry for the children and parents who cross the paths of whomever in my region that has made up their mind that I am trash.
So as far as I am concerned, here in Tennessee, they might as well change that ad to You (crossed out don't) have to be perfect to be a foster parent in Tennessee.
I also would like to add to my previous (long-winded) comment that I worry too for all the couples who are going through to motions of becoming foster parents here in Tennessee. Especially those, who like us only a couple of years ago, are coming to the foster care system, hoping to find a means to adopt. These people need to know how very careful they must be to protect themselves and that dream. They need to understand that if they cross that line (even if it's a line they don't realize is there) and break DCS policy ... even if it's a matter of someone's personal opinion, they could lose that dream of adopting, and lose that chance to foster. It was not that hard to get entangled in and placed in this situation ourselves. DCS needs to make these people (or someone does) fully aware of what they are getting themselves into if they buck the system in any way.
To "sacred the heck out of me"
It really isn't surprising that you have been put off by what you are reading but never the less, it will prepare and arm you for the whole adoption process. Knowledge is power and forewarned is forearmed. I only wish my husband and I had known then, at the beginning of our adoption journey, what we know now.
Adopting is made extremely difficult and the system is definately flawed, but it IS possible if you fight and push from your own corner. My husband and I adopted our first child earlier this year and there are many other people here that have had the same happy ending.
My only advice is.....don't be one of those people who puts all your faith in the system and just sits and waits for that phone call, it's unlikely, but not impossible, that that will happen. Do your home study, do lots of research and get actively involved in the search for your children. Get your names out there.
And lastly, despite the majority of us feeling very let down by the system, the 500,000+ broken and lost little (and big) souls stuck in this very flawed system DO NEED us.
Hope my words have helped in some way.
There are success out there, even with this very in-perfect system. I was asked the day before Thanksgiving if I would take in a five year boy that had been physically abused, had post traumtic stress disorder, and reactive attachment disorder. He was considered a special needs placement due his social-emotional issues. Normally I had declined special needs placement because they seem more than I can deal with.
I told my worker "yes" that I would take this youngster in. A few hours later, my worker called to inform me that an another foster parent from a different agency was selected for his placement. My bad luck.
Jen, I'm in NC too and just starting the process. We are also looking for a daughter to go with our 8 and 10 year old sons. We are being told we have to go though Fostering before we can adopt. Keeping all options open and trying to remain positive.
Thanks to everyone for your comments. We have only been searching for 4 weeks, but I am afraid I will get frustrated quickly. So far, most of the children we have inquired about are already placed. I am determined to learn from all the other folks who are posting their concerns and stories. I have come up with some ideas to better market our family, and am setting up an appointment with my caseworker to discuss them. I will keep you posted on how the meeting goes. Thanks again! B in VA
Does anyone have this problem? My husband and I desperately want to have a family and we have been through a bunch. An adoption scam, a miscarriage. Countless problems with the system. We are licensed foster & adoptive parents who have had 2 young foster children in our home for roughly 18mths. Mom in incarsorated and Dad has just came back in their lives after a complete year out of their lives. It looks like they will be reunified some time next year. All the while the children have a caseworker who could careless about them and all the problems they have endured. I want to know why foster and adoptive parents are held to such a higher standard than the birth parents??? Why is it ok for children to live at Poverty level when they are reunified??? It just frustrates me that we have loved these children unconditionally, got the help for them all the while fighting a losing battle. I still have hope that the system isn't always bad.... however from what I have seen it is more about getting them back to people who are really not fit in the first place.. not because of the poverty thing.. but safety of the children. Then there is the fact that one of these children needs medicine that the child can not be on because of the birth parents being drug addicts. I just worry about these kids and hope that all we have done is good enough when they leave. My hope is that the system has positives, because all we have seemed to expierence is the negative end of it.
Dec 3 Anon
One of the reasons I quit doing foster care is that the system does in fact seem to give more rights to the parents than the children. I had a child with me for nearly three years that I would have gladly adopted but for 7years he stayed in foster care and they worked on "reunification". In the meantime, he would have loved to have been part of our family but as a child, really has no rights. The idea that he should just be in limbo because or "parental rights" seems unfair if not unkind to the child(ren).
It isnt just the foster/adoption system that is faulty though. Our entire system that should be designed to PROTECT the children is a mess. I know of a situation where a child was living with his grandmother and father for nearly two years, no one had the money to file for custody and the mother just came and took the child one day without a word. She and her family are substance abusers, physically aggressive, there has been eviction after eviction, they are experts at working the system, both the mother of the child and her mother choose abusive relationships as well as the state they are living in had previously declared the grandmother unfit and removed the mother from her care on several occassions. I have known foster children to be removed from their homes for less and yet the courts seem to take pity on this "mother" rather than look at the facts. It is frightening to think that this 3 yr old child could end up one of those "statistics" you read about in the newspapers because of "parental rights".
Children need to have legal rights in order to be protected under the law and those rights are limited if they exist at all. Is is not abusive to a child to remove them from a home where they have lived and been happy and safe for months or years simply because the bio father or mother decides all of a sudden after as many months, if not years, to be a parent? Is it not abusive to take a child from a home where they actually have a little of the comforts in life and send them back into a poverty situation?
I dont necessarily blame the caseworkers as they can only do what the law states they can do. I actually feel for many of the caseworkers as they KNOW the child would be better off where they are at or being adopted rather than returned to the bio family but while they may give their opinion of this in court, it is out of their hands in the end. I am just as sure that there are cases when even a judge would prefer not to order a child(ren) back to bio parents but due to the laws, they have no choice.
Yes - our system if faulty but not necessarily due to those who work in the system but due to the laws that dictate the system. Our society in general DOES NOT value our children. We hear all the time that the "children are our future" and have heard that for years upon years. Just look at our society and what young people have become and see what kind of future we are going to have unless things change.
I genuinely hope that our new president and his administration look at these issues because the only way to make sure our future is bright and secure is to do what we need to do for the children NOW. Education, medical care, job training, assisting single parents, whether male or female with safe and appropriate child care plus much much more. Help the people who are trying to help themselves and for those who dont and continue to live dysfunctional and deprived lifestyles, make sure any children involved have the "RIGHT" to have a decent, loving home.
We all need to speak up and let our legislators know that this is not only what we want, but what the children need. The system we are working with in the process of adoption isnt going to change until their are laws in place to insure childrens rights.
Hi all:
I took a break from blogging because it's been negative & depressing. I'm trying to see the positives and to find ways to change the system for the better. Currently, I'm trying to get into law school so that I can study public interest law and help make much needed changes to the laws which need to be not only enforced but also reconsidered.
I'm also advocating for an independent federal ombudsman's office specifically to investigate citizen complaints against the child welfare industry. The one thing I'm seeing is that many of us across this country have been the unwitting victims of some unscrupulous caseworkers as well as child welfare agencies. Nothing is being done because there is no investigative office to hold the caseworkers and/or their agencies accountable. They run roughshod over us (foster children & foster-to-adopt parents) because they know there's no one to do anything about it & they hide their dirt under the rug of confidentiality.
Also, the stipulation that many agencies make that adoptive parents have to start out as foster parents amounts to coercion. In other words, those of us who aren't interested in the nightmare of fostering are coerced into doing it with the real (or implied) threat that if we don't, we won't get any children to adopt - ever! I have never seen any requirement that biological parents acquire parenting skills BEFORE having their children. Have you? Then again, with so many children in foster care across this country, perhaps requiring potential biological parents to take parenting classes isn't such a bad idea! - LOL.
I also dislike the tendency on the part of some caseworkers to treat us as if we're the dumbest people on the planet; as if we cannot be trusted to care for children until we have some experience by fostering. This must be what biological fathers had to go through in the recent past when they sought custody of their own children, but the courts would automatically grant custody to the biological mother and, while it was always assumed that the mother was fit to care for children because she was female, the father had to PROVE that he was fit to care for his own children because he was male.
I also don't like the fact that we're required to be completely honest when some in the system are often dishonest and manipulative. I'm often told that there are great caseworkers in the system and, if this is true, I'm sure that they must become quickly disillusioned when they see some scumbucket, incompetent SW who doesn't care about the children in their caseload or about getting them adopted never gets fired and is instead routinely promoted for a job poorly done - LOL. Char
Do not have to be perfect hmm I wonder who came up with that. For almost 5 years now my partner and I have been trying to adopt and keep getting told that the kids do not match our profile. What I do not under stand is our profile says we would be willing to take kids with some bad issues and or not. We have both been taking classes on child development been doing foster care for 3 years and trust me we have had some bad kids not at fault of there own. But yet we are not good enough to adopt any of them. As far as KCSL is concerned. I am in Kansas. Yet this month we were contacted twice about a child from a case worker who thinks we fit this child but KCSL says no. Even though this child has no problems physical or psychological. The only issue is that he is a gay teenager. So we are not perfect and I guess he is not perfect all cause well we are gay and yes this agency is well known for its views on gay couples adopting. So yes we again are not perfect. We have a family that supports us and our church also they have all wrote letters to this place. So I guess for now we will continue to Foster kids because they all need a place were they can fell safe and loved. It is just odd that we are looked at as a perfect home for the kids as foster parents but not as adoptive parents. Well sorry for taking up time and hope that it does not bore anyone.
Maesie,
You know we are looking at a child right now that is like the one you spoke about that had a time were he acted out sexualy in the past. He had been in Therapy for a few years and is now up for adoption and we are looking at having him placed with us as a foster to adopt. We belive that all kids no mater what needs love and sometimes that is all it takes is just for them to know that there is a place out there for them and a family that will love them no matter what there past holds or what mistakes are made in the future. I wish I know what state you were in or even the case you were talking about we would be one of them few to look at it and willing to talk to you about it. We love children and do not have to have a baby like most to make us happy just to have a child in our home and here them laugh or even have them say they hate us cause they do not like that we wont let them stay out late or go to the mall cause they did not do there homework. Well that just tells us we are doing all the right things as parents and no matter what they say or do we would love them for ever.
Char
I too took somewhat of a break from the blogs for the very same reason but on the other hand it is the negatives that need changed and the only way I think it will be done is for all of us who have experienced this to speak up and voice our concerns and opinions.
Changes can happen but not if we all simply "vent" just on this blog site. We all need to do as you and I both have been doing and contact anyone in government who will listen to our concerns. It really takes no longer to write even a form letter stating our experiences and then to send it to any state and federal official we can. It may cost a few dollars in stamps but worth it if change is ever to come to this faultly system. In fact, many government officials/agencies have email addresses that the public can access for just such a forum.
Yes this is a great place to learn and to vent but we need to take it a step farther and continue with our goal to make the changes happen. It may not seem like we as individuals can make a difference but we can and there have been many indviduals over time who have made a huge difference.
I agree with Char that some agencies do in fact make it sound as if you will never get children if you dont foster. I was in that situation and as frightening as it was thinking that perhaps I wouldnt find children in an "adopt only" situation, I took the step and now have 3 great sons and two more coming soon. It can and does happen.
Chmae
Well, after reading everyone's comments below, adoption just doesn't seem to worth the effort. My husband and I are struggling through infertility issues right now and I was hoping we could get started on the adoption process as well. After reading your thoughts and personal experiences with the system, maybe it is better to just be a childless couple. It's a shame how the system hurts the potential parents and the children at the same time. Good luck to all of you staying in the game - I hope the rules change soon for you all.
It sounds like we need a Children's Bill of Rights in this country. How about something like this:
1. Any child in the system who is old enough to talk fluently must be asked who they want to live with, and their wish must be granted.
2. It is a crime for a mother to take illicit drugs or abuse alcohol while pregnant. Therefore, it is mandatory that the child be permanently removed from that mother and placed for adoption.
3. In custody and adoption matters, male parents and prospective parents must be given the same consideration as females, with no assumptions allowed to prevail.
4. A national standard must be established by which all child welfare workers will be regulated and licensed, and which will govern the child welfare system in all states. Included in this will be a code of ethics that heavily favors the children who are subjects in the system.
5. Any worker or agency that denies an application to adopt or foster must justify legally, in writing, and in detail the reasons for such denial.
Does anyone else have more to add?
Adopting from Foster Care
Anyone do straight adoption from foster care, and not foster care first. We have a completed home study and are interested in adopting straight from foster care.
What about a young sibling group about 1-3, 2-4 years old. Anyone have any experience with this? What are the struggles you face with children this age adjusting to a new family?
Thanks,
Christa
Oh I've got more to add. Believe me. How about not ignoring foster parents or people who have sent in a homestudy? How about returning calls and emails? How about not having us hanging on a thread since the week before Halloween? It's going on 8 weeks of, "we'll let you know on Friday." You gotta be kidding me. Poor kids. And how about a strict guideline of how picky they are going to be to find a home for kids, pertaining to how long they've been in the system? And also how those cases, should they be inquired about, get first top priority attention wise. If the case has been in the system for almost 2 years and someone finally steps up to take them home...the LAST thing you should be doing is ignoring or alienating those people. I'm not saying you should be kissing our feet by any means. But c'mon!! I shouldn't make getting a hold of you a part time job.
I too have taken a break from blogging because I knew if I got on here, I'd just rant. :( And I also realize that being a social worker is tough, and long hours. But perhaps they should be doing something with the hiring process. For instance, do you need a 4 year degree to all of it? I mean from step A of taking the child to step z of placing the child. If there was ANYTHING I could do to hurry along the process of getting children into homes. Whether it's filing, reading homestudies, making calls...ANYTHING!!
Hi all:
I've read every single blog on this site since it began in January of this year and, in the past year, I've read many books and articles on the subject of foster care and adoption in this country. Unfortunately, many of the problems that existed perhaps a century or even decades ago are not only still prevalent but they are also worse than before. I hope to actively use a lot of the material I discovered to find solutions to many of the problems facing not only foster children but also biological, foster, and adoptive parents. Although I keep hearing, "You don't have to be perfect," that anyone can adopt from foster care, the reality is that the obstacles put in place are too cumbersome and unrealistic. Most people give up before they really get started because what seemed to be relatively simple is, in actuality, so needlessly complicated that it defies logic or common sense.
Also, most of us cannot even understand why we're waiting months, even years, to get children placed with us. The SW's and the agencies have to get on the same page as the ads they are putting out or that the legislation that each state is generating on the subject. It's wrong to claim that children are available for fostering or adoption & when we stampede the site or the place to get the children, we're told, "You're too this, that or the other" or "Your home is too this, that, or the other." It's dishonest and it's maddening.
To the gay couple, I don't agree with those who would prevent someone from adopting because s/he is gay. You, like many of us, are capable of providing a stable, loving home and I hate knowing that either overt or covert discimination is in effect in some states. I also believe that these same SW's & agencies in these states will conclude that just because I'm single and 44 I must be gay and not give me the opportunity to adopt either. As many of us know, discrimination is NEVER as simple as some would have us believe. Those who would discriminate against one group will also discriminate against another group in a heart beat because they've basically been given "permission" to do so by the voters in their states. Compassion for the foster children who are languishing in foster care month after month, year after year has apparently left the building. I guess those who dislike gays would rather see the children rot in foster care than have them adopted into a loving, stable home.
I also thought that there was something called "separation between church and state" in this country. If SW's or agencies are discriminating against American taxpayers, but taking state and federal funds, it's problematic.
Take care. Char
Syrag
I totally agree but would add something that I have personally experienced on more than one occassion while doing foster care. I am sure many others have experienced this also.
Before doing TPR parents are under court order to go thru a process including but not limited to counseling, parenting classes and Drug and Alcohol screenings and classes. While many bio parents do in fact attend these classes they simply go thru the motions, meet the attendance requirements and then based on this their children are returned to them. Quite often they return to the lifestyle of past after having their children return home and the children end up back in the system.
As adoptive parents we are made to jump thru many "hoops" in order to qualify to adopt. There are some of us who have been parents in the past and it can be "proven" we have the proper parenting skills, can "afford" to support children as well as no major psych issues or substance abuse issues. There are others who may not have the parenting experience but who in fact are financially and emotionally stable just like people who have raised children of thier own in the past.
As adoptive or foster parents our homes need to meet a certain standard, including bedroom space, proper furnishings, being clean and safe, etc. Most agencies I know of require the foster/adoptive parents to have a vehicle. When adopting they require the family to have a "back up" plan in case something would happen that you cannot raise the children to majority. We are required to have criminal history, FBI and child abuse clearances. In many instances we are required to have more training hours than are required of the bio parents are court ordered to take. I think many times we are in nearly constant contact with the caseworkers or our adoption workers and monthly, at minimum, supervisory meetings are required. We are required to wait, for most states, yours being the one exception I can recall, to wait six months to finalize an adoption.
It would seem that as foster/adoptive parents we are held to a much higher standard than bio parents. This is fine and as it should be so that we all are able to raise the children who come into our lives. On the other hand, when you are dealing with bio parents who are proven already to be neglectful, abusive, have emotional and substance abuse issues, why not hold them to the same "high" standards? Isnt it all to benefit the children?
Caseworkers seem almost obsessed about choosing the "right" family so that the adoption does not disrupt but why is this any different from returning the child to the bio family and then the child being removed again at a later date due to the same issues that brought the child into the system to begin with?
When bio parents are ordered to attend classes, counseling etc, the "opinions" of the persons who are "teaching" these classes or the therapists feedback should be seriously considered. Maybe in some cases it is however, I have seen many cases where it is not. I have experienced court hearings in which caseworkers have point blank recommended that the child not be returned to the family, that the psychologist has doubts that the parent will ever be able to effectively parent, that the persons teaching the classes have felt that the parent while he/she did in fact attend still had no comprehension of the subject matter or not an intention at all to apply what they "learned" yet the children are returned because the parents "met their requirements as ordered by the court". As adoptive/foster parents if an agency did not feel we met the minimum standards to take on this task they would never place children with us.
I say we up the ante and require the bio parents/family to in fact meet the same standards as the prospective adoptive/foster family and that in doing this to give children the right to a stable and loving home we are in fact giving the children the right to such a life.
We have the 15 month law which in fact states something to the order that if the parent doesnt meet the court orders within 15 months of the child going into placement then rights are to be terminated. There should be no discretion for the judges to play with this law, it should just be done. It should also be amended to state that the parents MUST actually successfully complete the requirements ordered to have the children returned and after they are returned there should be no less than monthly supervisions for a minimum of 6 months and a year is there are any doubts and leave that to the discretion of the caseworker doing the visits to the family.
I know this might be an extreme case but I know of a child who lingered in foster care for over 7 years while his mother in fact had 2 children returned to her during this time period as well as having 4 other children. He was finally returned to his mother, I dont know how long it lasted or where he is presently, but the courts continued to support her rights and gave her 7 years of HIS life to finally step up, do things correctly and be a mother to this child. Why? The mother had a severe mental illness and an attorney that argued at every hearing that based on her "disability" the courts under the ADA could not terminate her rights. In the meantime, while I do feel for the mother, this young man lost several families who were willing to adopt him and make him a permanent part of their lives and offer him the stability and family that he wanted and deserved.
I say we start using a little common sense when dealing with the bio parents and if they are viable resources invest in them however if they are not, allow the child the "rights" to live a normal and secure life away from the bio parents.
Chmae
I would like some feedback by any social workers, case workers or any other adoption workers.
What's your view on things like facebook or myspace. I have a myspace profile, and I keep it public. I have nothing to hide. I keep it very G rated, and my friends aren't the type (and even if they were) don't leave bad comments on my page.
I leave it public for relatives to keep up on us without being a member of myspace and such. I keep it up for relatives of whom we don't speak to anymore, for them to secretly look in our kids. And I like to keep in public. In fact, I was HOPING that workers might take a glance at it.
However, I just went back through some of my blogs, and now I worry. I do use some bad language in it. Now, don't go thinking that it's every other word. I use phrases like "boy...I ran my a** off on the treadmill today." or "why is it so da** hard to find a good babysitter?" And I will admit, that I do drop the F bomb about 3-4 times. That's 3-4 times in about 3 years.
I don't go on and on about drama. 99% of it is how great my life is and how blessed I am...etc. HOw much I love my kids. But, it also deals with real life situations like the death of my mother 5 years ago, family situations, and my husband being in the military, deployments..etc.
It shows that I am NOT June Cleaver. But it also shows that I am a real person. I have been told that my blogs were great to read...inspirational, and entertaining..that I should consider writing a book even. (oy...never would do that!!)
But anyway...since this is an anonymous board...can I get some feedback on whether or not you guys check these things out and how much weight you put towards what you find on them?
I have since gone back and made all my blogs private....good idea or not?
Any advice or comments on putting your life on hold for adoption? It's like being 9 months pregnant. constantly!. We have debated on moving, on selling our house, on me going back to school, on me getting a job....but it's all up in the air. We kept thinking that we would get a call soon. It's almost been a year for us of waiting. Anywhere from what I listed above to little things... Like needing to paint the interior of our house...we can't because we don't know what age/sex child will be in what room. And our daughter needs new bedding, but we don't want to buy it for fear that once we buy a nice double size bedding set, we'll adopt and she'll be put inthe bunk bed and need twin bedding.
I just feel like so much is on hold. And with our range of child being so large, we keep thinking that we'll get a call anyday.
Dear Cheryl in Virgina and Anonymous looking to adopt:
My name is Cami Clavijo and I am the RRT in Virginia. Thanks to both of you for sharing your experiences and furstrations with other families.
As for Virginia, you can work with your local Department of Social Services and adopt a VIRGINIA child without having to pay any fees. Unfortunately, due to limited state budgets, many states are unable to do interstate adoptions. Also, because their is a greater need for Foster Families than there is for Adoptive Families, states prefer to keep their families as resources for their children. If your intention is to have an interstate adoption, I recommend that you address it with your local DSS and if they cannot help you then the next step would be contacting private agencies.
Working with a private agency can be costly but some have grants that could benefit you. It is ok to shop around for agencies! Also, if you are required to pay for your home study, please keep in mind that you might have to update it several times. A normal waiting period, meaning from the time that you complete your home study, is 12 to 18 months. Usually there are fees involved when you update your home study but they should not be the same amount as the original study. Make sure to contact your agency and ask them about their fee schedules.
Hope I answered some of your questions. If you have additional questions, you can cotact AdoptUsKids at 1-888-200-4005 to be directed to your local Recruitment Response Team!
I wanted to respond to the person who asked about straight adoption (without being a foster parent fi rst).
My husband and I are certified as a "foster to adopt" home and we have looked not only in our own state (Virginia) but in other states across the country.
Our son, Jay, was adopted from California in 2006 and he was placed with us as an "adoptive placement". We have not done foster care but have served our agency as a respite family and have offered out home in the future for families needing a break.
We are looking for adoptive child #2 and have continued our relationship with this private agency. We go to monthly trainings, complete all the necessary updates and keep our certifications current. We hope to find the right child for our family - we are open to children from any state.
Our son was a toddler when we adopted him and I do think that this age faces specific challenges.
There are several good books out there on toddler adoption and I believe I read that lots of research has been done on infant adoption of adolescent adoption but very little on toddler adoption.
Toddlers very often have memories but they may not be represented by words in their memories. Their past memories may be visual, tactile or olfactory (smells). They have greater difficulty expressing their memories as they were likely non-verbal at the time these memories were established.
We helped our 3 year old deal with the transition to his new family by visiting him twice prior to his transition. We made him social stories which included pictures of his new family, pets and new home.
Our son has a disability and would also be transitioning to a new disabilities preschool program so we included a social story about his new school.
We took these books to him on his first visit and his foster family read them to him often. By the time he came home with us, he already knew the pets names and what room in our house held the family fish aquarium!
Before we visited the first time, we bought a "blankie" for him and slept with it for several weeks. We then left the "blankie" with him on that first visit. He loves this blanket now and is never without it.
His transition went very smoothly and we like to think that our preparation helped that process for him. When we find our 2nd child I guess we'll find out if it was beginners luck or if we are on to something! :)
Anyway, hope this is helpful.
Cheryl in Virginia
I have seen many of the ads and have to smile. I really like the one where the girl is at a restaurant with her family and the boy comes to meet them there. The mother fits me to a tee, according to my daughter.
We have been trying to adopt for several months now. We have been turned down because we have too many children, (even though 3 of them do not live with us)because we have teenage sons, or that they want a home with no children. I can not believe that they would put such criteria since many of these children sit on waiting lists for years. My husband and I have inquired mainly on teens. We have also learned what agencies we will not work with in the future because we are always counted out for some reason or another.
Good luck to all. Please do not give up on these children or your selves:)
I personally like the ad with the guinea pig/hamster and the mom vacuuming under the couch. That one is halarious!
Dear fellow Pennsylvanians:
I discovered a treasure trove of info concerning the way things work (or don't work) in the child welfare system in our Commonwealth. There's a report called "The Children and Youth Services Delivery System in Pennsylvania: Report of the Advisory Committee on Services to Children and Youth" by the Joint State Government Commission published in November 2002. I'm not sure if this report is online or not, but the Commission took 2 yrs to put together the report. They examined every aspect of PA's child welfare system from the retention of social workers to the treatment of foster children (young & old), biological parents, and foster parents so that the best interests of the child are actually being met.
Many of the issues we repeatedly complain about in these blogs were addressed 6 yrs ago in the report. For example, they talk about giving the foster parent(s) truthful & pertinent info concerning a child's situation so that the foster parent(s) can make an informed decision about whether he/she/they can handle that particular child's needs. There's also a request to treat foster parent(s) as part of the team instead of "just the foster parent(s)." The report is informative reading & I wonder why, after 6 yrs, 99.99% of the recommendations in the plan haven't been implimented in our state. It's frighteningly accurate in terms of all the problems facing the child welfare system in PA specifically and in America generally. they also came up with logical solutions to address the myriad of problems.
I'm sending an email to Estelle Richman, the Sec'y of Public Welfare in PA, who is convening a committee to address many of the problems already considerd & the solutions provided by the Joint State Government Commission 6 yrs ago. Perhaps this will save time & tax dollars. Char
PA residents:
For those of you interested in reading the PA report from 11/02, google "the children and youth services delivery system in pennsylvania" and it will appear. Char
Have any of you had problems with termination and your SW won't tell you why?Maybe because some kids are not being placed with family and judges won't terminate.Please,if something doesn't seem right,it probably isn't.Read this girls story that was on the news.Her family wants her and the SW doesn't turn over paperwork.
http://www.nwcn.com/statenews/washington/stories/NW_120908INV_foster_care_KS.480a9c09.html
Whether or not you are perfect is irrelevant if your worker leaves the agency, but no one takes over your cause, or even tells you about it.
After not hearing from "my worker" for a long time, I finally emailed the adoption supervisor to find out if she still works there. It turns out that she does not. Meanwhile, her voicemail still works, her email address is still valid, and I've been giving her name, address, and phone number to countless agencies as the one to contact. I can only imagine the back-up of email and voicemail messages from workers inquiring about me that no one bothers to check. Also, there's no telling how many others are expecting her to help them, but who don't know that she no longer works there.
The adoption supervisor told me to have workers call an extension that, upon checking it out, I discovered is just a generic voicemailbox where you leave your name and number and "someone" will get back to you.
With no other agency in this circuit, along with the requirement that home studies be issued by the state authorized agency in the circuit in which you live, prospective parents in Florida often get lost in DCF incompetency.
And the children keep on waiting!
Syrag
I think your state has more than its share of issues and I agree that the system is really faulty.
Recently I know of a family who was selected for a sib group in FL and it seemed to be progressing nicely. Even though the caseworkers in FL stated that there were no funds available for POS the adoption worker was willing to work with the family and FL regardless just to see the children find a home and the family find their children.
The caseworkers in FL decided that they didnt "like" the adoption worker and suggested to the prospective family that she leave that agency and somehow go thru ICPC for her supervisions of the children. ( I am not sure how this works and would like more info if anyone has it.)
In the meantime, even though the family was telling the agency that they would not consider leaving their current adoption agency, the caseworkers had one of the older children begin calling the prospective family. The family felt odd about this and was concerned that the child would get attached and then it would fall thru due to the agencys demands to rid themselves of their worker. To make a long story short, the worker and the family did a conference call ( the caseworkers were not aware that the family was on the other line, somewhat "sneaky" I understand, but necessary considering facts too many to mention here). Within minutes of the adoption worker ending the call with the caseworkers, the family received a call from the caseworkers stating the adoption worker was rude and unprofessional and they, again, stated they didnt want to work with her/him. This came as a total shock to the family as they had listened to the entire call and there was nothing rude or unprofessional said. Thus, the family decided that they couldnt trust the FL caseworkers and decided NOT to pursue adoption with the children, wondering in part why they felt the need to color the truth as well as wondering if the caseworkers were this underhanded then were there other things that werent being disclosed? Thus, a child who thought he/she had a new family and had already talked on the phone to "MOM" is now wondering what is going on and why she isnt moving soon. And, to make matters worse, this caseworker actually had the nerve to email to the prospective parents a Christmas list from the children.
I wonder when there are respectable parents, like Syrag, waiting and willing to adopt in FL, he is being overlooked for an out of state adoption? If FL doesnt have the money to do POS then why not search within the state? None of it makes sense. Maybe there isnt the money to pay the agency personnel thus a high turn over rate? And, how unprofessional that the worker did not take it upon themselves to notify their families that he/she was leaving the agency.
As we all know, there are times when "professionals" dealing with each other have personality conflicts, it is just human nature, but how "professional" is it to literally lie to a prospective family as well as put a child in the position of being disappointed? And, to top it off, right at the peak of the holiday season!! "Professionals" put their personal differences aside and work with each other with a smile on their faces to get their job done, in this case, place this sib group in a permanent home. Even after all of this was said and done, the family's adoption worker was still willing to do the adoption at little or no cost to the family so I think it easy to see who the real professional is in this situation.
My heart goes out to all of you who live in states where you have no choice of agencies.
I think we need a new blog topic. The stories and support really help me. I feel so alone out there. The blogs help me cope even if everyone doesn't agree with me.
To ANON Dec 15
I am glad the blogs offer support for you. Sometimes just being able to "vent" with others who are experiencing similar situations is enough in itself.
Whether you are a "beginner" or a "seasoned pro" at the adoption "game", and I am sorry to say that it is much like a "game" I hope that everyone will continue to post comments concerning your experiences.
A topic could well be "Your Adoption Experiences" and allow all to write a summary of how long they have been or were in the process and the hurdles they jumped to adopt and most importantly the fact that while frustrating and long in time, the benefits of hanging in there until such time as your children entered your family and life.
It seems a sad state of affairs when even those, like myself, who have managed to weed thru the system and successfully adopt still dont think highly or positively of the system. It seems like whether one has seen it thru and actually adopted, is still waiting after an extended period of time or given up completely, the system still is so faulty that kids are lingering without permanent homes.
I have good news.
I used to get on here and rant and complain. Then it occurred to me, that I shouldn't complain if I haven't tried it. So....I am heading back to school in January to finish my degree in psychology, with an emphasis in the social services area. I am so excited. I really hope to not let you down. (or me down...since I am still actively trying to adopt!) We are supposed to hear about our sibling group within about 3 weeks. Crossing my fingers! (while studying to join the many workers out there!)
It is somewhat discouraging if you believe that there are some very selfish and incompetent people working in the system. None the less, they are just flawed human beings like the rest of us. Don't forget there are also some that DO care and do a great job. Thank you so much to those of you who are working hard to make a better future for the kids. It has to be very hard.
Also, I believe that all things are in God's hands. I believe in a God that intervenes in the lives of his children. He knows where each one of them should be. There are no accidents. He sees a much bigger picture than we do, and I trust him completely to place the child of his choosing in my home. I open doors through inquiries, and then pray and trust that when the right child comes along, He will work out the details. I do not want a child in our home that was not meant to be here. I am ok with rejections and situations that don't work out. I know that if we are supposed to have a child or children in our home that He will work out the details. Also, if you look at photolistings as much as I do, praying for these kids is not a worthless way to pass time.
Since my first email from the adoption supervisor, she has since told me that they won't update my home study again until I am matched with a child. How's that for a Catch 22?
I have an RRT working on it for me. She is definitely on my side in this.
Thanks to the person who posted the story of another attempt to adopt a child from Florida. I truly believe that this state, as a general rule, has lost control of the child welfare system, and agencies can do whatever they want. I spoke to a very high-ranking DCF official one time and found him to be grossly incompetent. Thus, it is no wonder that those who are below him also lack competence.
Here's another brief example of the way that DCF thinks:
A couple fostered a baby girl, got divorced, and the husband kept the foster care license, along with the baby. When the girl was 2 years old, she became available for adoption. Now, DCF balked because they didn't like to let men adopt girls. Somehow, it was okay to let him foster, but not adopt, despite the fact that he was the only dad she had ever known. The man finally won his case anyway, but only after submitting to a psychological evaluation and getting engaged to another woman. Without the engagement, he would most likely have lost his daughter.
I'd like to hear from others who have Florida stories to share. I also hope DCF officials read their blogs.
I didn't read every comment on the blog, but I read enough of them that were either very discouraged or dropping out of the process because things were not as they thought they would be. We were interested in adoption without fostering and we were matched with 3 beautiful little girls right away. The oldest had been sexually abused, the middle was oppositional defiant and the baby was, well, a baby. We also had a 6 and 7 1/2 year old biological children. They started overnight visits right away, pushing for a quick transition, with all 3 girls. Two weeks into it, I was panic stricken. We decided that it was too much for us to handle and it broke our hearts, but we declined the placement. A few months passed and we still had a heart for adoption, but thought that since our boys were still so young that an 11 or 12 year old might be better suited for our family. She was from another state so we had to go through ICPC. We read her file and asked a lot of questions to her case worker and also to her foster mom who had had her for a year. She had been tremendously troubled in the past and had had many placements and had even been separated from her bio brother because she was so mean to him. EVERYONE assured me that she had worked through all that and that she would have no trouble at all with our two boys. We visited her once in her state, where things went fine and we were feeling very good about it. She moved here and was with us for five months, during which we watched helplessly as our happy, well adjusted little boys sunk into a horrible state of despair because she was so verbally abusive to them. We just could not go through with it not knowing if she would ever come out of that. How could we subject our other children to that kind of daily abuse? After that, the adoption expert in our area suggested that this might not be the right time in out lives to try to adopt and maybe we should consider fostering a teen girl, who would not be such a long term committment. We waited a bit and then decided that perhaps she was right. We had been matched with a teen early in our process, and she was still without a family, so we decided to check out her situation. I talked with her caseworker and she was told about our previous experiences. I met with the 17 year old teen first, and then she came from her grouop home to visit with us a couple of times. During the process, my step daughter came back to live with us after being with her birth mom for two years. She is 16. She and the 17 year old seemed to get along ok, but there were some concerns. After discussing our concerns with the girl and her caseworker, we proceeded with moving her in. Within 2 weeks of being here, she and my step daughter stole a car. My step daughter was sentenced to a correctional school, but since the foster child was already in state custody they did nothing to her. Not only did this make my step daughter feel that she was unfairly punished, but our new house rules were not going over very well with the foster child. She made everyone very aware that she was unhappy with being here and took every opportunity to torment my stepdaughter with her freedom. We were willing to forgive and forget the whole car stealing thing and try to get through it, since she only had a few months until she turned 18. She was still in contact with ALL of her birth family and there was constant trouble with that as well as the fact that she did not want to be in a home with any rules. Since it was obvious that my step daughter was going to be a handful, we disrupted with the 17 year old as well. She had been in a group home because she needed a high level of suppervision and we were not equipped to provide that kind of security for her. So now here we are, with three failed placements. I truly feel that the first placement would have been wonderful for our family if they had not been rushing us and if we had been givin more support and been offerred helpful suggestions as to how to parent their specific needs. I still cry for them sometimes. I know that the second placement was absolutely not going to work and neither was the third. We still have a heart for adoption and really want more children. We have a great homelife for raising kids, but it will have to be right. If the caseworkers insist on pushing a family to take kids who they know will not be a good fit for one another, how are we ever going to realize our dream of adoption. It has been several months since we tried anything, and we are so scared to try again. Not to mention that with the problems we have already had, they might be hesitant to even let us try again. I know one thing for sure, I will not let anyone push us into anything again. I will tell them what will be best for us so that the placement can succeed. I should have told them that we needed to have more individual visits with the sibling group so that we could work with them one on one and help them adjust to being with us, but I let them make me feel like I didn't have a choice because they wanted them moved quickly. I will always regret that.
I don't normally read the long comments, but WOW! This last one is a heartbreaker.
RJones, you said it wonderfully. God is in control of our lives and the lives of our children. This is the hardest advice to accept when you're waiting. If you're like me and waited for 2 years, God is preparing you for mighty things. I have my daughter, adopted at age 11. But no sooner did I get her that I'm in the process of trying to get more. You never know what's around the corner. Hold on to your dreams and never let them go. Psalm 37-Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.
It's not the system that keeps us going, but it's what's in our hearts.
I have a question maybe someone can help me with.I am the foster parent of 2 little girls ages 2 and 4.The girls have been with me since late summer.It has been bought to my attention that the girls probably will not be returing back home and my husband and I are really considering adopting the girls.They have come a long way from being the girls that came into my home and there has been a big improvement.
Today we found out that a long lost aunt has stepped forward and intends to adopt the girls and the chances are favorable that she will be considered a resource.
The children do not know this aunt as she is estranged from the family.
I know that kinship does and should be a first consideration,however I am frustrated that they are moving thes children from the only stability they have had in months and taking them to a home where they will be strangers.
I guess this is just a few of the ups and downs of foster parenting.
Syrag
You are welcome for the FL story that I recently posted.
What I dont understand in your case, does not your homestudy need to be "current" so that the agency can send it out so that you can be matched? If there have been any changes in your situation, even if it is a change of mind as far as your preferences for children, their issues, the number of children, etc there absolutely should be an update on your study to reflect these changes. If not, then the agency is NOT sending out an accurate copy of your study. This is not only unprofessional but borders on fraudulent.
Most recently I had a situation where a caseworker complained that my study wasnt updated. In the study it was stated that I had adopted two and was fostering another with the plans to adopt him. Until he was finalized, which was Sept 15, the adoption worker could not in fact state that he was an adopted child. My study had been going out prior to that date and was passed on to another worker who contacted me about a child. She was not happy with the fact that my study did not reflect that I had three adopted children and not two as between the time she received the study and the time she called me, I had finalized within that time period. I do know that my study was updated in a timely manner but this worker decided something was "not right" and I heard nothing back from her. There was just no explaining the situation. Thus if the caseworkers want the most recent information then I dont understand why your agency would not want to provide this.
I do have a suggestion that our agency has been using as late and it seems to be successful. Homestudies are to be "factual" information and quite often dont reflect the true "flavor" of the family. We are encouraged to write a summary, called a "case plan" by us, to send with our study. I personally do this on a child by child basis for those I am interested in. It is basically a summary of your family, your life and the lifestyle that you lead and a short commentary as to how you would incorporate the new child(ren) into your family. How would they fit and what you would do to assist with the transistion. This seems especially helpful when there are any special needs involved that one is able to show the worker you have researched services in your area and how the needs of the child would be accomodated by such. It is kind of a "cover letter" to the study. My worker actually very much likes her families doing this as it adds a personal touch to the study and allows the worker reading it to see a more personal part of the family that isnt in the study itself. I would suggest to everyone out there that they compose such a summary, particularly when going to selection committee. And, if you do this summary and your preferences or circumstances have changed without your worker updating your study, it shows you are being up front and it was the worker who dropped the ball.
I agree with the person who blogged stating that everyone working in the field is human and has faults. I have stated this myself many times. It is not an easy field in which to work and sometimes difficult for anyone working in the field to do the right thing. I do think it would be easier and more productive if we all could just be a little more honest and forthright with each other. There are times when we hold back on the "truth" to avoid hurting feelings and there are times we all may offend without realizing we are doing so. There may be times when workers are just so busy and bogged down that they are short with someone and seem rude when all it is in truth is that they are rushed for time. Possibly instead of being offended ourselves if we just simply tried to be a little more positive in our interactions, maybe by just letting the worker know up front that we know their time is valuable and appreciate them taking the time to speak to us the workers themselves may feel a little more appreciated and understood. While I stand by this statement, many times a conversation with a worker while started off "rough" once I worked in something like "you have a tough job" or "your job is not something that I could do" is all it takes for the caseworker to feel they have an ally and not an enemy. This I do know for sure, if you make a positive impression on a caseworker, they WILL remember it. By being positive and acknowledging their situation you may in fact make a connection so that even if you are not chosen for the child(ren) you are inquiring about, the caseworker may in fact remember you when she/he is looking for homes for other children. A caseworker may well recall a family who has called 12 times in one week, gone over their head to a supervisor, emailed several times, === a caseworker may well also recall the family who politely stated I realize you are busy and would appreciate a return call at your convenience and a friendly positive email letting them know your are still interested in the child but when it comes down to it and a similar child is available, who is that caseworker going to feel comfortable calling in reference to that child? And, again, with human nature playing a major role in this process, just as we hesitate to deal with caseworkers who in the past have seemed rude or unprofessional, a caseworker who deems us rude or unprofessional is less likely to even consider our study or returning our calls.
This is not to say that caseworkers who are in fact rude, unprofessional etc on a continuous basis should not be reported to the proper persons. We all have our off days and we need to consider that also.
Recently as I am in the process of adopting from another state and was feeling like the caseworkers were putting up hurdle after hurdle to the point that NO ONE could successfully cross them. To make a long story short, this wasnt being done intentionally but the children had recently disrupted and the blame was placed on the workers involved. Not only were they making every attempt to see that these children did not disrupt again but their jobs may well have been on the line if another "mistake" was made. Many times I think we forget that the caseworker isnt the ultimate decision maker and has supervisors who too have supervisors and others that they need to answer too. They, too, are under a microscope, by the prospective families, their superiors as well as you can bet the courts are also scrutinizing their decisions concerning the children in question. We have to keep that in mind.
That "case plan" is BRILLIANT.
I think everyone, everywhere should adopt that plan and put it to use. It would be SOO very valuable. I would love to be able to get across to the workers what our plan for each child would be. I think they'd see that we've really got our stuff together, and could handle more children even though we've got 3 bio already.
To the person on the 16th with the encouraging words: THANKS! Thanks for taking time to read my long blog, it's nice just to know that I can express my discouragement and frustration without being punished, it's even nicer that you offerred Godly support and encouragement. My husband and I are actually considering having a reverse tubal because we are so scared of another let down with adoption. If we could know that an adoption would work out we would really rather do that, I mean it makes sense to love and provide for the children who are already out there in need. But, we REALLY want more children, and if adoption is not going to work out then we are willing to go the other way. We will just keep praying and hoping that we will understand the direction that God wants us to go in. We are a very conservative, Christian, home-schooling family. That makes us a good family to raise children in, but unfortunately it is also our downfall. It is extremely hard to integrate a child who has already been exposed to so much into our family. We were not just dealing with behavioral issues, but cultural ones as well. NOt ethnic culture, just lifestyle culture. We eat mostly healthfood and organic or natural products, the foster kids were used to McDonald's and bologna and were constantly complaining that there was no food in our house to eat. I tried to compromise, but if we have little debbies and poptarts in the house all the time, our birth children are naturally going to choose that instead of an apple too. We choose not to have cable, but rather have family friendly movies, when the foster children are used to watching who knows what, and used to sitting in front of the TV all day, naturally they are bored here. We play games and go outside and spend time as a family rather than sit around watching tv. In our house, "stupid" is a bad word. We don't have real bad words in our home. We are very conscious of how we speak to one another, we don't call each other names like "retard" or "loser". We don't say "oh my God" every other word. So when we try to gently encourage any of the foster children, they don't really even want to try to watch what they say. We are just a plain old jeans and t-shirt kind of family, but we do believe in a certain level of modesty. No extremely tight or low cut shirts, no booty hanging out of your shorts, etc. When the foster girls have been allowed to dress in a way that shows every lump and bump that they have, they don't want to wear clothing that is modest and appropriate. We are a good family, full of love and joy, but maybe we are not good candidates for adoption because we are the way we are. And because we have 3 other kids to consider, we can't just allow some of them to do whatever while the others can't. We have raised our birth children by this healthy eating, no cussing, no name calling, no ugly tv show whatching way all their lives, and so far they are doing very well. It doesn't seem fair to them for us to completely disrupt their way of life and undo all they know. The only way that it seems possible to adopt and not have it turn our other children's lives upside down is if we adopt a very young child. To do that, we would have to foster first. That would be fine with us, but I am not willing to let my other children become attached to a baby for a year or a year and a half just to have them be yanked from their lives to return to their birth family. OUr sons were so happy and excited to try to adopt and have sisters, but now they cringe when we mention adoption. I hate that they have had such negative experiences and I don't want that to be the last impression in their minds either. I just wish that it would work out. BUt how? My husband and I are both pretty sure that we want to foster or adopt teens when our other kids are out of the home, but that will be years down the road. Right now, we still want to add to our family, whether it be by adoption or by birth. Thanks again for the ecouragement, it was greatly needed.
Tune in weekly to a thought-provoking, interactive radio program focusing on subjects, stories, and strategies of special interest to child welfare policymakers, providers, and practitioners. The program, devoted solely to the welfare of America's vulnerable children, features a forum where numerous points of view and voices of experience within the child welfare universe can be heard.
To listen to On the Line with CWLA, go to www.blogtalkradio.com/CWLA-Radio. The call-in number is 347/326-9411.
Coming Next Week:
Wednesday, December 24
Emancipated Entertainers: Foster Care Alumni Sing About Life in the System
This week, On the Line with CWLA replays a program originally broadcast in June featuring three members of Uhlich Voices, a rising group of four rappers and rhymers who sing about their trials and tribulations growing up in foster care.
For more information on the show, visit www.cwla.org/newsevents/cwlaradio.htm.
Coming Shows
Wednesday, December 31
A Conversation with Former Foster Child Ashley Rhodes Courter
This replay of a program first broadcast in August features Ashley Rhodes Courter, a former foster child with an incredible story of strength and triumph over the horrific conditions she experienced while in foster care.
For more information on the show, visit www.cwla.org/newsevents/cwlaradio.htm.
On the Line with CWLA is a production of the Child Welfare League of America, Arlington, Virginia. Programming schedule subject to change.
I read Ashley's book (the woman mentioned in the above comment) and it was wonderful. I think EVERY parent should read it, especially one's that are going through the system for adoption. It was such a good book.
And as posted above in another comment, my children are also getting a negative impression of adoption, especially since it fell through with a little boy we were approved for. They just don't believe us now that we will ever adopt. Not to mention that we've just had a bad experience with foster care as well, so they are pretty turned off of the whole thing too, at times. Once I do this this time, I think we are done. It's just crazy.
Hello everyone. I wrote a comment a few weeks ago mentioning that we have been certified and and just beginning our search. I had made an appointment to speak to our placement worker so that we could avoid some of the issues others are having. Well, we had a great meeting. We had never met before since our agency uses different workers for the certification and the placement processes, so now we know each other personally and had a great rapport. We were able to talk more specifically about what kind of child we we are looking for and she could see our personalities and get a good idea of kids that might be a good match for us. We discussed how many inquiries she could handle each month and how I could help her keep track of the inquiries and followup emails. She also gave me a list of states where I could register and inquire on my own, and states that prefer to have inquiries directly from the worker. I was also able to ask about upcoming match events and volunteer opportunities so that we could get some experience with special needs kids. So it was a great meeting and I would highly recommend that others do the same thing at the beginning of their search. Thanks again for everyone else's comments-they are a big help to me. B in VA
I, unfortunately, think I agree too. It's a good thing we are looking to adopt a large sibling group, because I would hate to have to do this over and over. What pain. Not what A pain. But what pain....I couldn't do this again.
Any advice or views on whether or not we can all do that child plan thing along with our inquiries? Would workers frown upon that?
thanks.
to pessimistic optimist.
I understand how you feel. I am the one who wrote about the three failed placements on Dec 15 and about how difficult it is to intigrate the children on Dec 19. Unfortunately, after the sibling group, and the heartbreak of that, we said we were not sure if we wanted to try again. Then, because we have such a heart for these kids, we thought, well maybe we just need an older child and just one. Then, when that ended up the way it did, we were positive we would not try again. Then, we just couldn't get it out of our minds and hearts, so we went with the teen who said that she just loved kids and wanted to be in a home like ours and all kinds of other stuff. This girl snowed us bigtime! Even though we had a rough time with her after only 2 weeks, we were still going to try to keep going. But she just wanted to be free - no rules, no parents, no authority from DCS, just freedom. So we decided we were absolutely, positively done after all that. We tried 3 different types of situations and none of them worked for one reason or another. The 11 year old was with us for about 5 months, but they never should have placed her with us. There were so many things about that placement that was not right for her. She had even told her caseworker that she did not want to be in a home with other children, but they didn't listen to her. Even though we had already made the decision that we were going to disrutpt, she actually made the decision to return to her homestate before we ever even told her that we did not want to continue either. While she was with us, she told her therapist here about the kind of things she thought she needed in a family and the therapist made a note of it and I sent it back with her to her homestate. We were absolutely not a good match for her for multiple reasons, yet during all the phone calls, and many, many questions, the caseworker was very reassuring that we would be a wonderful family for her. Then with the teen, we had so many family and team meetings just within the first two weeks because of her behavior that her adoption worker said that we had done all we could do and that it was basically that this teen just did not want to co-operate with any of us. All this stuff sure does leave a bad taste in our mouths, but here we are again considering what type of child would fit best into our family and if we would be a good family for that child. As you know, adopting a very young child with no medical issues is almost impossible unless you foster. Since we don't want to foster because we don't want to put our other children through such a loss, we are now looking at the possibility of adopting a young child with moderate medical needs. We have been open to that since the beginning, we just didn't send our homestudy out for any. There are no children in our state right now who are younger than our other kids, so that means that we would have to use ICPC again and honestly, I don't think they would do it. Even though they don't know us, and I could write a book on all the reasons the other placements failed, I just don't think they would care. I don't think we really have a shot at it anymore. That is sad really, because being matched with the right child, I know we would have a wonderful adoption experience and the child would gain a wonderful family. There is such a need out there for these kids, but it is so hard to get it right. I hope that you and all the rest of the families out there who are trying don't give up, but I understand why you would.
Wow!! I just got my information in the mail today from Adopt US Kids, but my RRT already called me on Monday to touch base with me. We are just starting the process to become a foster to adopt home in Indiana. I have read many of your posts about wanting to give up but if you give up that child or children that is meant for you may be left behind
For all those readers out there, try "The Lost Children Of Wilder" by Nina Bernstein. Nina Bernstein is a reporter for The New York Times. The book is a real eye opener. There were pages where I was completely astounded! The things we all mention here have been going on for decades. Sadly, not an awful lot has changed!
Hi all:
I read "The Lost Children of Wilder" during the summer and it certainly was eye-opening. I'm now reading other books & materials to familiarize myself with the child welfare system.
I also watched a program this past Friday night that featured the new DHS commissioner in Philly, Anne Marie Ambrose. She gave a lot more information on what she is doing to get the agency back on its mission; to get more children adopted; & to get rid of incompetent, unprofessional, & callous staff. I liked a lot of what I heard, but I have a wait-and-see attitude because, while many DHS commissioners have come & gone over the decades, DHS has remained virtually unchanged here in Philly.
Have a great holiday season! Take care. Char
I just started reading this thread today. There is so much here to which I'd like to reply.
First, a little about us. We adopted our first child as a severely special needs infant. I would never trade her for the world, but I would also never go through that process the way I did back then. I was extremely frustrated by being turned down by agencies to adopt children from foster care, as a not-married family, so I looked for a child through the private sector. We found a medically fragile drug-addicted newborn, who I still love with all my heart, but as I said, the process was a nightmare. In the private sector there is simply no support for adoptive parents needing help dealing with birth families and special needs and navigating getting needed services.
When we tried to adopt a second time, we were accepted by the foster-adopt system. We said specifically we could not take a child with any history of violence as we had a two year old in the house. The only children referred to us were violent children. Two separate times the children actually moved into the house, services were withdrawn, and we were left with no support each time dealing with children that we had to find out the hard way were violent after all. Needless to say, we dropped out of the game for years.
We are now in the miidst of the process once again, but we went in this time with our eyes wide open, knowing exactly what we needed and wanted, and exactly who we wanted, and determined to find our second child. After being treated like garbage by one agency for almost a year, without our homestudy ever being completed, we fired them and found a second agency. For seven months we sent out fliers to every single worker, and foster and adoption agency in our state and the surrounding states, and searched dozens of waiting children sites, actively advocating for ourselves for a minimum of a few hours each day, which our new agency put together our homestudy.
One of the hundreds of children we "applied for" was the little boy who now calls me Mommy! It took three months after we found his "ad" to set up a meeting with his worker and foster parents and meet him, but we asked lots of questions and requested lots of paperwork, and we were chosen to get to know our little guy. We visited, driving three hours each way every weekend or two, slowly got to know him, both through interaction, and asking innumerable questions of his foster parents- his workers didn't seem to know anything about him at all.
He moved home permanently three months after the initial meeting, as legal-risk adoption, as parental rights had still not been terminated. Seven months after that, TPR happened. Then we formally started the adoption process. We found out that the sending agency was going to seriously cut his subsidy, which we needed just to meet his basic special needs. Our son is severely medically fragile, which takes a lot of time and finances, and we needed that support. So we had to fight that battle. But we won! We actively advocated for our son and our family, and we got what we wanted, what he needed.
Now it's been over three years since we started the process- this time around- but we have a finalization of adoption court date scheduled within the next several days! He is going to be legally ours at last!
I have so much more to say, but my little guy just asked for a hug!
;-)
Rachel
Re: Age groups
Teenagers are the ones most in need of families, so if you open yourselves to these older children, you're more likely to find a match.
That being said, I very much wanted a baby or toddler this time around, or a sibling group with a baby or toddler in the mix. If you're open to sibling groups, you're more likely to have a chance at getting little guys if that's what you want. And if you're open to severe special needs there are lots of very little ones available too.
Our newest addition came home at 3yo, severely disabled, and the joy of my life.
RE: Incompetent workers, burnt out workers, and a very broken system:
Certainly. But there are also good workers out there if you're willing to put in the time and energy to find them... and if you're willing to do a lot of the work that technically they're supposed to be doing for you. That being said, there are a lot of workers that are offended by you doing the workers' work, and then you get stuck between a rock and hard place. But I'm convinced that if you educate yourself and work hard and put on your Stepford Mommy and/or Daddy Face, that you can find the child or children meant for you.
RE: foster adopt kids whose workers want them to be only children.
In doing research on this myself, I discovered that a lot of these kids have severe attachment disorder, or severe agrresive or sexual acting out behaviors. I'm not saying all, or even most, but a lot of them. I know there are workers out there looking for the perfect (ha) family for the children on their caseload, and in their misguided attempts condemn their young clients to a lifetime in foster care and ageing out of the system and the horrifying future that can bring. And I remember that that phrase is also potentially code for "needs so much work, attention, structure, and supervision, that any other children may just be completely left to fend for themselves.
RE: Native American approved families:
AdoptUsKids currently has 44 children and sibling groups in need of Native American families. And the Northwest Adoption Exchange always has a ton of them. Send a flier out to every worker and agency that deals with these children, telling them about your family, and letting them know that you're interested in adopting this or any child or children who might need a family like yours. Additionally state that you are happy to take children of any race (or whatever race you mention as being happy to take).
I have a question to add to the discussion- how long do you think you should wait before adding another child or children to your family? Do any of your agencies have a waiting time frame? What is the reasoning behind the wait?
Thank you! More later...
Rachel
RE: healthcare question
Make sure that the child you are getting comes with a medical assistance card. Our first one did not, as she was private. She eventually did as I fought the social security system to have her declared disabled. But when you adopt from foster care, there are federal funds to ensure that the kids do get this, it's their right!!
We were promised that our second child would come with one, and he did...eventually. But it took a fight to get it. A medically fragile child in our home for a whole month with no medical coverage. It was terrifying. Next time, I'd fight to ensure that the coverage is in place the day he moves home.
RE: not legally free
We decided to accept legal risk children only if it was clear that there was no way they were going back to the birthfamily. It was an enormous risk for our hearts, even though they assured us the risk was minimal. Thankfully, TPR did eventually happen, and in a matter of several days he will be forever legally ours!
RE: foster vs. adoptive parenting
When foster children become legally freed for adoption, the first adoptive resource considered is the foster family, as it should be, as the child is already there and should have as little disruption as possible. That being said, going into this as a prospetive adoptive parent, I did NOT want to do it that way, to continue to get attached to to children, just to have them ripped away from me, and start over again. I couldn't do it. Not in the place I was in then.
I'm in a very different place now. I've got my older child, I've got my baby, and I have it in my heart to be there for kids on a temporary basis, working with them to potentially reunite with their birthfamilies, giving them a safe and loving home until the decision is made regarding permanency, and knowing that I could get the wonderful surprise that they might be mine forever. We have had children come and go since we made that decision, and it's been wonderul. We have had one that we would be thrilled to keep if ever he needed an adoptive resource, but he doesn't, and that's okay.
But if you're in this to find a new forever child for your family, and losing a foster child would be heart-wrenching as it would have been for me before we got our little guy, then do NOT go that way. But everything you have into working your tusch off to find that child who was meant to be with you.
One idea, something I did back when I was actively looking for my son... don't just contact the workers of the children you fall in love with, wanting just those children. Let those- and other- workers know what KIND of child you're hoping to find, and ask them to provide you with information on those children as well that are in their care.
Rachel
RE: 11-13yo teen girls
There are currently 70 11-13yo girls with no cognitive, physical, or medical special needs listed on Adopt Us Kids alone. They need you! Don't give up! I know you want your child NOW, but giving up will not get you your child. May to November is NOT a long wait when dealing with this very broken system. Send email, snail mail, faxes, and make phone calls, to every worker of every one of those 70 girls! Don't let a broken system destroy your dreams... or the dreams of your future daughter.
Rachel
re: WACAP, and other int'l agencies
WACAP helps international special needs children find their adoptive familes. You have to research all countries and find out what their laws say. China now no longer allows fat people to adopt. Ridiculous, yes, but reality. They also have a cap on the number of children they allow to be adopted out of country, also ridiculous since the rest simply grow up in orphanages until they're dumped on the streets... kind of like our system. It's just as bad here. But here, you can be fat or single or gay to adopt, as long as you can safely parent, and find the right agencies, counties, etc, to work with you.
Keep searching, and eventually you'll find the country/county/ worker/ child/children meant to be with you.
RE: Children under the age of 10:
There are currently 341 sibling groups and or single children under the age of 10 available on Adopt Us Kids alone. Do you have other more specific parameters about the child you're looking for? Because if it's a healthy typical single white under 10yo child you're looking for, those children are all adopted before they hit the sites like these.
re: Waiting to hear on your sibling group:
When we were searching for our second child this time around, I always had homestudies out on dozens of different children and sib groups at any one time. When we were officially chosen as The Match, to come in for a face to face interview, we stopped all active searching for anyone else. But until that moment that we were told we were The Ones, I had photos and contact logs for God only knows how many kids at any one time. And each worker I'd re-attempt contact every week until they told me we were a definite "No".
It stinks that the system works this way, but it does. And until it's fixed we need to use every resource available to us to find the children meant to be ours.
Rachel
DEAR LOOKING FOR GOOD EXPERIENCES:
******IT TOOK AWHILE, BUT I HAVE MY CHILD. EXACTLY WHO I WAS LOOKING FOR AND THE JOY OF MY LIFE! *******
DEAR MAESIE:
We would be happy to take black children, teenage boys, kids with developmental delays, kids who want to remain in safe contat with birthfamily. We know we can't handle behavior problems, but how do we find workers like you with kids like yours... not the dangerous ones, but the others? Or maybe, how can we get in contact with you?
Re: Out-of-state adoptions/ added wait time
It added 4 weeks to ours. Not a big deal at all. Well, it was at the time, when you consider the life of the child, or the length of the search, it's worth it.
Re: waiting for a decision
Don't wait. Keep looking. One of the children I inquired about, and was asked for my homestudy, not only have we still never heard a word, but she is still listed as active, and they are still accepting homestudies... and that was over two years ago! A lot of children's workers are overworked and/or incompetent. On the whole, the system doesn't work. At the same time, we can't give up. I wasn't able to bring home that one little girl, but I did find my son!
Re: using Anonymous
I am very outspoken and don't want workers knowing exactly how I feel. I use a pseudonym signature without an account or any contact information so people can follow which anonymous I am. I do that wherver on the internet I go.
Re: 4-8yo white girls
What kind of disability levels are you willing to accept? If you want a child with only mild or no disabilities in this category, then you ARE wasting your time. Those kids never make it to these sites, as that's who everyone seems to want. If you're interested in 4-8yo white girls WITH disabilities, there are 32 on this site alone.
My new little boy is severely disabled, but let me tell you, his constant smiles and hugs and "I love you Mommy"s light up my life more than I ever could have imagined any child could.
Re: Cheryl & Jay
I submitted my homestudy for Jay, and never heard a word back. I am so thrilled to hear that he found a loving family, and that because he found you, my little boy was able to find me!!!! See, it does happen!!!!
Re: local office won't pay for out of state
Most local offices won't pay for out-of-state... but some will agree to let you pay them IF you are matched out of state. We found one that would do that for us, saturated the entire federal system with our homestudy, hundreds of HSs, thousands of fliers sent across the country... and ended up with an in-state child this time around. Funny, eh?
RE: federal reimbursement when you haven't been matched
Nope. You don't get to claim your adoption expenses until you are finalized.
Rachel
re: gay, bi, trans teens
Maese,
You mentioned having a bisexual teen that no one wants for that reason. Ho do we let caseworkers know that we'd be happy taking gay, bi, or trans teens without scaring off the workers that would never place a child with us thinking in the future we'll take teens "like that"?
RE: young sibling group about 1-3, 2-4 years old.
We adopted our son straight from foster care. We was an adoptive placement, though he was legal risk, and he was 3yo. BUT if you are planning to adopt without fostering, from foster care, be prepared for moderate to severe special needs. They're just as lovable, just take a bit more work... and they're worth it!
RE: children's rights
Hey, Clinton at least passed a law that once you murder one of your children you can't use the "needs of your other children to have a parent" as a get out of jail free card... and returned custody of them. Grrr...
Rachel
To the person who spoke of her 2 & 4yo foster children and their long lost aunt- It's a huge controversy in the system, even among us prospective adoptive parents. On the one hand, absolutely children should be kept in the family if they can be... but what is the definition of family? Children are considered property in our society. And genetics seems to be "proof" of ownership. Yet genetics is important too... Where were these children before this summer?
To the homeschooling religious family- Have you considered taking on mentally challenged or medically fragile or physically disabled children? Cognitively challenged (mentally retarded) children tend to be more childlike, more innocent, so ou could accept a higher age range without the typical American teenage behaviors and desires. We recently accepted a teenage foster child with cognitive challenges, and he was a perfect playmate for our little ones. And you can find a very young child without fostering if you're willing to take on children with more severe physical and medical challenges. I consider that personally my calling from God. To be there for the little ones who are waiting and waiting who will probab;ly never find anyone due to their physical and medical and cognitive needs.
RE: case plan
We went to a match party after sending out our fliers about ourselves- a more generlized idea, similar to the case plan. Anyway, so many workers recognized our photo from the fliers and were thrilled to see us there and meet us, and tried to match us with the children on their caseloads right then and there.
Rachel
Families that want to submit their homestudy to me,
I would love to read all of your homestudies if you're open to adopting children over the age of 10 who have moderate - severe impairments or kids 14-18 who have mild. I also sometimes get younger kids who have severe impairments (usually emotional/behavioral AND cognitive).
I wish I could just give you my contact information but I don't think that's possible.
If the moderator could put any family in contact with me who wants to submit a homestudy, I would be glad to talk to you. I don't know if I'm allowed to write this or not, but if you Google Wendy's Wonderful Kids in Jackson, Mi, you'll find me.
Rachel,
I've been having trouble posting so haven't been commenting in a while, though there have been a lot of things I wanted to respond to!
regarding gay/bi/trans teens, the easiest way to let workers know you are open to placement of lgbt teens is to put a statement directly in your homestudy or in your AUSK profile.
Also, talk to your worker and make sure other workers at their agency (as well as the supervisor) know you're accepting of ALL children regardless of their orientation. When workers are having a hard time finding placements for kids, we often collaborate with other agencies and ask if they know of any "friendly" families.
Unfortunately a lot of gay/bi/trans kids get their federal goal changed - they've experienced homo/transphobia so much in their birth & foster homes, they sometimes get to the point where they don't think anyone will ever adopt them. They ask their workers to change their goal to independent living because they can't imagine that a family would want them.
Rachel
There are times when I use my screen name and sign my blogs and other times when I sign anon although many people out there know me just by my "writing". The POINT I would like to make is that I know for a fact that anything one says on this site, whether signed or not, account or not, is STRICTLY CONFINDENTIAL and as far as I know there isnt even a way for anyone at AdoptUsKids to identify who is blogging. They have the same standards as other agencies and I can tell you from experience that they would never tolerate info not remaining confidential that is deemed that way.
I think we all need to remember that there may be many reasons that some children are not "acceptable" to all people. I was once offered a child who was openly gay and due to the area in which I live did not feel it would be fair for the child to have to deal with issues I KNEW would surface due to his sexual preferences. I have no issues personally with a child who has this type of issue or a child of a different race, however, I try to think of the child above all else. In our school district, which is very small, at the high school level there are only two children of color attending and I dont think it would be fair of me to put a child of another race into a situation where there isnt any cultural and/or racial diversity. On the other hand, we have a great deal more racial and cultural diversity on the elementary level thus would feel comfortable with a younger child of color or who is for whatever reason "different". It would be so very easy for one to ignore these issues and think that one would just take the problems as they come and the heck with the rest of the narrow minded people out there but that in fact would be selfish and not considerate of the child in question.
Out of State Depending on the state you are in, there are in fact agencies that will waive the fees for you by doing Purchase of Service. This is common practice. Your agency/adoption worker makes a contract with the sending state for a set fee for things such as supervisory visits, home study fees, etc and accepts the payment from the sending state. Many states pay 50% of the POS upon placement to your worker and the rest after finalization. There are also agencies who will allow you to make payments on your home study while the children are in your home and at finalization when you claim the homestudy fee you are reimbursed for what you have already paid out. Much depends on the state you live in.
With such a faulty system out there I have to hold out hope that many of the children not being placed are due to not being able to find the proper placements for them and not due to incompetence or laziness. Again, I have said many times before, there may be reasons one isnt chosen and may be reasons the children are taking so long to place that we are not privvy to. Many states will not reveal intimate details of the children in question unless one has been selected for the child(ren). This is for good reason. So while you may well think that your family would be the perfect match for a child(ren) it may be that there are issues with the children that you arent aware of that would NOT work in your family. A caseworker isnt and shouldnt place a child who is sexually acting out with other children, a caseworker shouldnt place a child who starts fires in a home that isnt equipped to deal with those issues, etc etc.
I do have to agree that the children posted on the web sites, for the most part, are those with more moderate to severe issues and that many "normal" children never make the sites as they are adopted from the foster care system. I know that I personally have received emails about available children specifically stating they are not yet posted and the worker is looking for homes for them rather than post them. There is a whole network out there supporting this type of thing and while it doesnt seem fair to other who are not able to ever inquire about those children, the children are placed and placed quickly thus some of the lucky few who are not in the system for an extended period of time.
I would disagree with the fact that "fat", gays, etc are able to adopt here in the US without any problems as long as they can safely parent. Voters in Arkansas just passed a law that gay couples as well as same sex unmarried couples are not permitted to adopt or do foster care. There are states that have refused to allow "overweight" ( I think that is a kinder term than "fat") adopt using a lower life expectancy and health issues as an excuse. There are states who have guidelines on how old one can be to adopt. It may be that these discriminatory acts are against the law however, they do happen and are practiced. At least with international adoptions one knows where they stand thus having the option of not even bothering to inquire. In the US if one fits a certain category, such as gay, single female, single male, overweight, etc you inquire and hope for the best because personal bias always plays a role and one just has to hope for the best.
I will say that every minute of waiting that I have done for my children has been worth the aggravation and frustration. I hope that everyone will hang in there and continue to open their hearts and homes to the children out there regardless of how long it takes to bring them home.
Maesie:
I think I found you. If I did, you should have an email from me by now.
I am concerned about putting my acceptance of LGBT teens in my homestudy or my narrative on AUsK because I know many workers of non-LGBT kids would then refuse to place any kids with me at all. Our agency knows that we are an LGBT-friendly home. So if they hear of such a child, they can pass it on to us. I'm just wondering about how real my concern would be?
RE: reverse tubal
When we were going through the process of firing a foster-adopt agency that had scammed us for a year, I started doing the whole ovulation test kit and BBT thing. But I knew in my heart, we knew in our hearts- that what we wanted was to be there for other kids. I know NOW that God was saving us for this one special little boy. If I had given up, we never would have found each other, and God only knows what would have happened to him. He is my heart. He is my love. He and my daughter are why I was put on ths earth. And for whatever other children are waiting out there for me and my family, whoever they might be, and whenever they might find me. Follow your heart. If you feel God pulling you to do this incredibly important work, then do it with all your heart, and don't let Man's Beurocracy get in your way.
RE: discrimination in the US
I know it's out there. Gads, I know it's out there. We were discriminated against by one agency because we are former children of the system! One worker actually said to us that no former child of the system could possibly come out of it unscathed enough to healthily parent children themselves!!!
I don't pretend to think it's perfect here, far from it. It's just that at least there's a chance here. I guess that's closer to what I meant to say.
I remember a story out here not so long ago, where a gay couple was given an HIV+ child to foster, only because they could find no one else willing to take the little one. And then when the child because eligible for adoption, they wouldn't let them! Unbelievable.
Rachel
You know what? I just figured out how I feel. It's getting to the point where when I think about submitting my homestudy for kids, I think, "They've probably already got a match." So I don't. I'm just so tired of submitting homestudies for no reason. We never even get a call to say we are being considered. I am starting to feel as though we are just "white noise". We're just another couple in the midst of all the other couples. This is so emotionally exhausting and I don't know how much more I can take.
Hi all
I noticed that the blog site isnt on the home page for AdoptUsKids any longer and suspect it may be the end of things. I dont know why or if it is so for sure but I am sure we will all know before long.
In the meantime, I created a blog on Google and titled it Adoption System in the US. I am not sure how to find it yet as I just now did it but I think if you go to the Google blogs and type in Adoption System or just Adoption it may bring you to my blog. I just wanted to try to open a forum to continue talking in case we are losing this site.
Chmae
to pessimistic optimist
I saw on the other page that you are from TN, YOu have responded to a couple of my blogs and we are also in TN. Just curious, what region are you in? We are in West TN.
Dear Pessimistic Optimist,
"This is so emotionally exhausting and I don't know how much more I can take."
What type of child(ren) exactly are you looking for? Maybe we can help each other with kids we know about who have not been matched?
Rachel
RE: our Blog
It's still there!
Go to "Resource Center" then scroll down on the left to "Parent Resources" and click on "Prospective Parent Blog". And here we are!
Rachel
ENORMOUS UTTER AND COMPLETE FRUSTRATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We've had our newest daughter for two years, we're about to finalize, and I sent a list of new potential matches to our worker. She wrote back that in order to "stabilize the family", they refuse to even begin the matching process until 8 months after the finalization!!!! We ARE stabilized. She's been home for two years!!!!! We're doing great! So suddenly this piece of paper changes something that makes us unstable for 8 months??????? Gads, I want to cry. There are so many children out there that I could care for and love in that time period....
Despondent
Hey, get this! A worker actually contacted ME about a brother/sister that I had inquired about months ago, if not over a year ago. She wanted to know if I was still interested. I don't think I've ever been contacted by a worker before. I guess she's realizing that a less-than-perfect parent is better than growing up in the system.
To those of you out there who have successfully adopted: maybe you could encourage the others of us who are in the process. Give us some tips, resources, and helpful information that you think helped move your process along. Maybe all of you are busy with the children now and that's why most of the comments are from the discouraged 'rest of us' who are still trying. Thanks for any helpful ideas.
I am from Northwest TN. What part of west Tn are you from?
To Rachel: We are looking for a little boy between the ages of 4 and 9, with or without diabilities, although my state did not approve an adoption we were actually approved for in Texas with a little boy that had multiple medical problems. We are also looking for sibling groups with up to two boys, up to four kids all together....up to the age of 13 (with the oldest being a girl due to the bedroom setup in our home). The youngest of the sibling group can be as young as birth. We have experience with gtubes (my father has had one), mental disbilites, ADHD, lots of things. We are caucasion, but race is nothing to us...we have biracial and AA family members. I only mention this because twice our homestudy has been turned away because we are white. I have thought seriously about forgetting about the whole thing lately. I really don't want to...I just feel like.."what's the point?" I think there is a HUGE misconception that there aren't enough parents to go around for all of the children. I don't believe that anymore.
We also just had a bad experience fostering. We took in an almost 18 year old girl and she wound up stealing from us and lying to us. (which, the lying I was expecting, and wasn't too surprised at the stealing...just hurt). She moved out, but not because of us...they shouldn't have put her here to begin with. Now my kids are even more frustrated with this whole thing! I can't say I blame them though....
It finally dawned on me what is the fastest way to get my information to the workers, and hopefully get a quick response. I don't wait for them to ask for my home study. I have scanned it and all related updates, evaluations, etc., into my computer, and I immediately attach these documents to an email addressed to the worker or recruiter whenever I can obtain an address. Both AdoptUsKids.com and Adoption.com provide email addresses in most cases.
I just started doing it this way, so I don't know how it will turn out, but I don't think it can hurt.
to pessimistic optimist:
We are in Carroll county. I can't believe that you had a teen to steal from you! I mean I can believe it, it just sounds so much like what we have been through. I am the one who wrote about the sib group that was rushed on us, the 11 year old from TX that was never supposed to be with other kids, and the 17 year old that stole my mother in law's car. We are actually on hold for now with our home, but still hold on to a glimmer of hope that we might possibly get it right one of these times. I also wrote about us considering untying my tubes and trying to have more children that way for now. Is it possible for me to give you my email address or something? I would love to talk to you. I just don't want to break any blog rules or anything. Since I have been blogging anonymously, I don't have a link to info about me or anything. I don't want to be frowned on for comments I make on here.
Dear Pessimistic Optimist,
What specifically did TN say about rejecting your little guy?
RE: BOYS ages 4-9:
There are 195 boys ages 4-9 listed.
RE: Sibling groups of up to 4 children, with up to 2 boys, ages 0-13, with the one at the top of this age range being a girl:
Here are the profile #s for just a few of the kids that match these parameters. There are over 200 groups of them!!!!
(Gads are they adorable! If I thought our worker would approve us for a group of 4, I'D want them!)
SOK014590
SOK014893
SLA014680
SOK014381
SNE014911
SMO074971
SMO024038
S91014454
Have you sent a flier about your family, or a letter, email and phone call about why you'd be a great match for each of these children to each of the workers, with a note stating what type of child/children you're interested in adopting if the worker feels you're not the right match for those particular little ones?
Tell me what you need from me as far as assistance and it's yours.
Rachel
Chmae,
Who/what are you looking for?
Pessimistic Optimist:
I learned the hard way... DEMAN a psych eval and full social history, including access to the former foster parents. State specifically which history of behaviors you CANNOT accept, and request documentation that this child has never had an issue with that particular behavior.
I have had two disruptions, years ago, which made me drop out of the game for years. I said specifically absolutely no history of violence. The first time I trusted the worker's word that she was fine, and I figured, a 9 year old girl, what kind of damage could she do? They said they'd love to give me a psych eval but they didn't have one yet. They said I was welcome to get one done at their expense, but they had to move her immediately. I agered to take her under those conditions. Oh my God was this child out of control and VIOLENT. After the placement disrupted, I got the results of the psych eval: homicidal psychopath.
When they offered us another placement, I said absolutely the child must have a psych eval and I must be able to talk with the foster parents before she moved in, this was a 12 year old girl. Thye told me they could not legally release her psych eval until she was legally mine, which I should have seen as a red flag. They let me talk to her foster mom who said she was one of the best kids she'd ever had- but this was a therapeutic foster home, which should have sent up a red flag. Her school also said she was one of the best kids they'd ever had. But the school she went to was a school for emotionally disabled children, another red flag. And red flags don't mean don;t take the child. They just mean look very very very closely before you do. And yes, she turned out to be violent, diagnosed bipolar, unmedicated, and the agency refused to give her bipolar meds or even therapy. They said take her as she is or give her back. Knowing it could be an average of a year until finalization, I knew I couldn't do it for that long with no support at all, so I had to give her back. That one was heartbreaking because I truly loved that child, and would have done anything for her if I was given proper access to the help she needed, which was refused by the system.
So I'm a lot more careful now. I'm with a new agency who knows my parameters very very well. Whenever they send a foster child to me they tell me specifically every behavior the child has exhibited, and we decide as a team if the child is a good match for our family, even if the match is temporary. When we look at adoptive children, we do the same thing. In fact I fell in love with a FAS child before we found our little guy, and our worker told us specifically she would not approve the match because FAS kids have a greater than average chance of becoming violent when they're older as they have no impulse control.
Rachel
Dear RJones,
My little boy is a success story!!!! It took THREE YEARS from start to finish, but next week he should, God-willing, be legally ours forever!!!!! He is the sweetest most darling child in the universe, and in fact at this moment I am listening to him playing happily in his crib. I get on early in the morning before he wakes up, and write until he realizes I'm awake. =)
He smiles constantly, loves me dearly, gives the best hugs in the universe, and says "I love oo Mommy" in a way that melts my heart.
He is severely disabled, but with love and therapy and good parenting, he is making so much progress! He will always be severely disabled, but much less so now that he is getting all of this loving care! He may even be able to live independently as an adult, who knows? If not, who cares? I'll happily care for this little angel for the rest of my life.
Everything is worth it once you have your child safely in your arms, rocking and singing them to sleep, playing with them, teaching them, accomplishing goals with them that no one ever thought they'd accomplish!
I adored having a birthday party for him with all of his little friends, all severely disabled, from school, and their parents and brothers and sisters. We had a blast playing with toys and eating cake and junk food. And some of the kids there couldn't eat, but they pretended, and we had so much fun!!!!
It can happen, it will happen, if you make it happen! You absolutely cannot just sit there and wait for The Call, because chances are it will never come. Write to every worker that exists for every child that even remotely matches the profile of the child you're looking for, let those workers know who/hwat you're looking for, sell yourself!!! Tell them why you would be a great match for the c hildren on her caseload. Many states and regional areas have their own websites, or even books of waiting children, that have many many children not listed on their websites, all with worker contact information. Send your Flier, or if you have the money, send your homestudy to every one of them, with a cover letter explaining who you are exactly why you would be such a great match for their kids. I was contacted by a worker last month who said she was going through her filing cabinet of old homestudies, from TWO YEARS AGO and found ours, and wanted us for one of her little boys!!!! As it happens, we have to wait to be matched until after finalization of our current little boy, and the update of our homestudy, whenever that might happen... But if you plaster the universe with your fliers and/or your homestudies with cover letters, and call or email politely each worker of each child you want every week or two, eventually YOUR child will make his or her way to your family!!!!
I read an article this weekend that said of every 1000 families that approach the foster-adopt system about adopting foster children, only 33 are successful. The rest give up because of the beurocratic nightmare and nastiness and incompetence of so many of the workers. DO NOT LET THE SYSTEM WIN!!!! You have to fight the system!!!!!! It's the only hope for these children. The article went onto say that this beurocratic nightmare of a ystem could be a test... a preparation.... you must have SSSOOO much patience and tenacity and be so willing and able to advocate for your children once they come home. This is your practice! Advocating for the child you do not know is yours until you find your child within this maze of insanity! But they ARE there!!!!!!! Do NOT give up on them now, because they ARE there!!!!!
The little boy singing in his crib who just started calling
"Mommy!!!!" in a loving sweet voice is proof that if you put everything you've got into this process, it does work!!!!!!
Hold onto your dreams!!!!
Off to love on my sweet little one....
Rachel
Hey, Kate?
How about letting us all know exactly when this blog will suddenly disappear from the internet.
And, Chmae?
Please let us know the exact url needed to access your new blog. Thanks.
To anonomys on January 2nd.
Congrats on being contacted by a worker! Unfortunately, it's happened to me and they still drag their feet/don't do anything. Which I find, is almost worse. Like they are teasing you or something.
To anonomys on Jan.3rd. I have been doing the same thing with homestudies being emailed out. I've done it for well over 100 cases in the last year. Still hasn't gotten me anywhere.
Sorry to be so negative. My dog just died and I'm in a crummy mood. I posted on the other blog of holiday feelings, but I'm glad this one is still going. I hope this is getting read by people in the system who can do something and change it.
still waiting.
just as an update:
-inquired about 2 brothers, and were supposed to find out the week BEFORE Halloween. I called every two weeks since then and continued to leave voicemails and etc. My social worker called every now and then too. I kept getting the same run around, "We didn't have time last week, we'll let you know by Friday." And that's if I even GET a response.
I have since given up. They are still listed on their state's website. How sad. They contacted us too... so it is really frustrating. They contacted our worker, sent profiles to us, we responded within 48 hours of saying yes...and that's it. Never heard from them again.
Next case: The large sibling group of 5 kids. 4 boys ages 8-13, and a girl, age 14. They were in the system for well over a year.. perhaps a year and half. My husband and I finally decided to go for it. We could do it. Those kids have been sitting there too long! So we inquired. That was Oct. 30th. I got response right away, sent in our homestudy, and that's it. Nothing. This blog actually led to some action..so THANKS! but I'm still disapointed in the system. I got a call Wednesday night from a worker. They told me that due to the high volume of interest- (WHOA. HOLD ON. THESE KIDS HAVE BEEN ON THE LISTING FOR OVER A YEAR, AND YOU ARE TELLING ME THAT ALL OF A SUDDEN A BUNCH OF PEOPLE WANT TO ADOPT THESE KIDS AT THE SAME TIME?) Are they just pulling my leg? anyway... they tell me that due to the large number of inquiries, they don't know WHEN I'll get an answer or even IF I'll get an answer. They couldn't even tell me, "if you don't hear from us by ______, then we probably went with someone else." No clue as to what I am supposed to do. One worker told me that they'd let me know by mid January, but I haven't heard from them since mid December.
It's hard around the holidays, for us. We have such a WIDE range of what we will accept, that it's frustrating. The Home for the Holidays special was on, or a newscast would do a special on kids in foster care at age 15,16 or so. My husband just gets angry. We'd take any or all of them in a second. But we are looked down upon because we have an 8 month old. I mean we migh as well deal crack...they consider this infant to be such a handicap for us. It doesn't matter our size of house, income, great referances... anything like that... we won't get a second look. We want a large family, so we figured that we would have some bio kids, and adopt some children as well. Well, the system is taking to so long that if they don't hurry up, we will just have another bio child. We will always, hopefully, have a young child. So the system had better just get used to it.
Those kids have been on the listing for a year and a half...and we STILL aren't good enough for them. Ridiculous. Sorry to be so angry today. It just gets so old. I haven't inquired about any other kids since early November...our hearts just can't take it knowing that there are kids out there, that they would rather have sit in the system than rather be at home with us and a *GASP* infant. We spent so much money on our homestudy, and really had to re-budget to do it. But it was okay... we thought we were doing something really good for kids out there. But, nope. At this rate, it is highly likely that our homestudy will expire before we are given any children. And I highly doubt we will do this again.
I think I have decided to put our house on the market if we don't hear by end of January. I feel SOOO extremely guilty about this. Like I am just giving up on kids out there. But we are having so much trouble making our mortgage, and I just can't see keeping a big house, when we have no kids to fill it. I wonder what this will do for us in the way of adopting. I imagine this will take us entirely out of the running now for anything. I have to get my priorities in order. We have to stop living for kids that we don't have, and may never even get.
HELP!!
I used to send out homestudy after homestudy! I used to send emails to our worker with attatchments of over 10 kids at a time for her to send our homestudy to. I used to devote so much time to this. But now, I just can't anymore. I haven't inquired about any kids since early November. Like one person said, "i feel like white noise." I even look for the hard to place cases...always have. But we still don't get a response. I go to click on, "to inquire about_____, click here" and I just freeze up. I think, "oh what's the point?"
HELP! I know my child/children are out there needing me. I just am so down about the system!
Chmae here
I am not very computer savvy and LOL I cannot find my blog I started!!!! I am hoping that somewhere out there with more computer experience than I have will be willing to start a blog so that we all have a place to chat or speak. In the meantime, I think I may go to the various chat rooms and see if I cannot set up a forum there. If it works, I will let you all know. I really am sorry but my computer experience is limited to searching for kids and doing some home documents. I wish I knew more. LOL
In answer to Chmae, I just created an adoption blog for everyone to use. You can find it at www.adoptionproblems.blogspot.com.
I'll be looking for you.
Although I started reading and writing about the negative experiences that we have had, the last several blogs have given me encouragement. Thanks to those of you who are trying so hard to uplift those of us who are terribly discouraged with the whole process. I have been in contact with the foster parent of the 11 year old that went back to her home state after being with us, and it is not good. She went downhill fast. Her slide back into her old behaviors began almost immediately after she was moved to our house for adoption. She is now back in a treatment center and is considered unadoptable at this point. She was able to go back to the foster home where she came from, but it didn't help. The thing is, she had made tremendous improvements while she was in that home, but since the goal was adoption, they allowed her to be matched with us, but only to her detriment. Perhaps, if a child is having great success in the current foster home, even if it doesn't lead to adoption, they should consider letting them stay there to continue to grow stronger emotionally. The same foster mom had one of her kids that she had also had great success with be moved into an adoptive home in another state at the same time as the other one came to us. That little girl also disrupted from that out of state adoptive placement and went back to the foster parent as a train wreck. She also might not have needed to be moved since she was having such great success in the home she was in. Is adoption for the sake of "permanency" always the best case for these kids? If the foster home is helping them, why push so hard for the adoption goal. I think that the kids are being rushed into adoption as soon as they show the slightest hint of readiness. I want to adopt - really bad - but I am not sure it is always what is best for some of the kids. Unfortunately, we really have no way of knowing if it is going to work or not, until we try. Guess we must all just keep trying.
The early returns on my idea of attaching and emailing home studies range from forwarding my documents to the workers, to asking me to send them directly to the workers myself (can't they forward them?), to telling me that I must have my worker send them. I'm also finding out the high percentage of kids who are already matched and placed with their new families, but are still on the websites. Hopefully, the workers will pass my home study around to other workers and agencies, rather than just delete it (which, of course, is easier).
I have been applying for children left and right for a year now, and I am still waiting. Many times because my worker does not want to send my home study, or the children I am applying for are not available and the Website says nothing about it. Many times, social workers take so long to respond I just get discourage and I just keep looking somewhere else. Why is it so hard to adopt. It has been almos 2 years since my family and I started the process, and we still don't have a child. What is wrong with the system.
To Whom It May Concern:
My name is Turid Gregory-Furlong, and I from the California Department of Social Services, Concurrent Policy Planning Unit. This department would like to assist an anonymous message on AdoptUsKids.blogspot:
Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "your family lives outside of the child’s state or ...":
I just contacted Elizabeth and she was very helpful! We've inquired about a sibling group in California (we're out-of-state) and even though our home study was accepted, they have continued to put us off. We inquired back at the beginning of August and it's mid-November now. They decided they wanted to wait a few months for a local family, and have recently told us they will continue to look for a local family until early next year. We have an amazing background tailor-made over the last 6 years specifically for a sibling group just like the one we want to adopt! Why should a state line prevent these kids from being a part of our family? We're open to contact and visits and would love an excuse to head to California as frequently as we can haha! Maybe if we all just keep "shouting" eventually our voices will be heard and those thousands of children patiently waiting in foster care (in other states) will finally "Come Home".
This department would like to hear from this individual or anyone who has these types of concerns/problems, and may need some assistance/guidance regarding adoption in the State of California. Please feel free to contact the Concurrent Planning and Policy Unit.
Respectfully,
Turid Gregory-Furlong, MS
Policy Analyst
CDSS, CPPU
TO CONTINUE THE DISCUSSIONS ON THIS BLOG . . .
go to the following blogspot:
www.adoptionproblems.blogspot.com
Post a Comment