Comments on AdoptUsKids blog: share special ideas that may help other families

"I hope you and your wife dont give up and hang in...

2008-11-14T01:12:00.000-05:00

"I hope you and your wife dont give up and hang in there a little longer. Maybe hooking up with the right people will have a better result than you are having right now.

Take care and keep us posted."

To keep you posted, our home study expires in a few days and we are not renewing it.

Anonymous,I am sorry to hear that you are disappoi...

2008-11-07T19:10:00.000-05:00

Anonymous,

I am sorry to hear that you are disappointed and dejected. While I don't know the specifics of your case, it sounds like a challenging ordeal. I would suggest that you ask for a meeting with the Adoption Program Supervisor of the agency that you are working with so that you can all get on the same page about what steps you need to take from here. Hang in there!

Mark
California Recruitment Response Team

Disappointted and dejected in Southern California....

2008-10-30T16:43:00.000-04:00

Disappointted and dejected in Southern California.

Our story is much like all those others on here- miss-matched children, lost paperwork, unhelpful social workers. You name it.

My husband and I decided we were "ready" for children in 2003. We started our homestudy process as I knew from previous experience I could not have children. We were of course put on a big parade float thinking that we were the perfect couple and would be placed right away. 2 years later, we finally received a successful match and brought home our boy. We were told to wait a year before adopting again, and we always knew we wanted two.

We waited longer than we should have, and got sucked in by an unethical social worker who led us on for over 8 months, when we found out what that SW was doing was not right, it almost cost me my job, and it lost us the child we had so been longing to bring home. After a year invested, we are now back at square one, waiting again for a child.

My husband and I are both frustrated, and aggrevated, as we watch couples around us being matched and place with children, or couples becoming pregnant, while my four year old STILL asks about the child that didn't come home 8 months ago.

I would never trade the heartache we went through to get our son, but I'm loosing that focus as the months run on waiting for the phone not to ring.

I know this is not a new story, but to all those others out there- you are not alone, and it doesn't matter what state you are in, it is difficult dealing with the overworked and underpaid social service system.

I think that every person interested in becoming a parent should have to go through what WE go through to be a parent. Most biological parents would appreciate their children more.

Hello to waiting in NYC,Here is a link to some inf...

2008-10-29T08:55:00.000-04:00

Hello to waiting in NYC,

Here is a link to some information on Finding a Child and Speeding the Process: http://www.nysccc.org/Adoptive%20Parent%20Info/waittoadopt.htm. I also recommend Finding a Fit To Last a Lifetime on the AdoptUsKids website: http://adoptuskids.org/images/resourceCenter/FindingAFit.pdf. These resources will help you understand how the process works to find families for children. Best of luck to you!

Sarah Gerstenzang
NYS Citizens' Coalition for Children
NYS RRT

I just want to know how long do you have to wait. ...

2008-10-16T16:11:00.000-04:00

I just want to know how long do you have to wait. We have been waiting and waiting, we have inquired about at least 100 children and we have not even heard back from 99% of the agencies? What do I do next? Loosing hope in NYC. If you have an answer please write to me!

My husband and I are licensed foster/adopt parents...

2008-10-07T21:08:00.000-04:00

My husband and I are licensed foster/adopt parents and we currently have two children in our home. I can say that we started this journey in hopes to help children, but ultimately we want to have a forever family.
We are unable to have children of our own. I had miscarriage after several painful fertility treatments. Then after that we were scammed by a birth mother in which we did everything we were supposed to and we still got taken. It has been a very rough roady but we both have kept the faith.
I knew that being a foster family would be hard, but I never thought of how attached we would get to these gifts from God. We advocate for them everyday and struggle with behaviors and pray that when they go back that the samethings will not continue which had them removed in the first place. To top that off they have a caseworker who really isn't there for them... to her it is just a job it seems. It is just frustrating.
With all the ups and downs we still know that there is a child or children out there for us. We have all the love and paitence for hope is something we can't give up on.

Until I read all these post I never realized how l...

2008-10-01T19:13:00.000-04:00

Until I read all these post I never realized how lucky I was in my adoption quest. I started my journey in the spring of 2004 and by August of that year had completed my homestudy and been matched with a sibling group. I was looking for children between 8 and 12 and was undecided on their sex. My children were 9 & 10 and a boy & girl. They had issues, multiple placements, one adoption disruption, prenatal drug and alcohol exposure and all kind of mental health diagnosis. They also lived 1400 miles away but we started preplacement visitation and they came home April of 2005.

I have seen every behavior I had been trained to handle and then some I never could have imagined. Therapy was and is a very important part of our lives. One thing I learned is never take the negative behaviors personally. I still see lying, stealing, hoarding, rages but we are making progress the negative behaviors are decreasing and the positive behaviors are increasing. I have been very lucky in that all their psychiatric bills have been covered by the state insurance. I have never experienced problems with meds, doctors or therapists.

Now four years later my children have learned how to trust and enjoy being in their own family. They both play sports and have developed into excellant athletes. They are active in many clubs and activities in Chruch and School. They have normal social lives and friends. My family, friends, coworkers and teachers who once questioned my sanity in adopting these children, now can't believe the change in their behavior. The best decision I ever made was to adopt. I take pride in my childrens' growth and development over the past four years. Adoption is a rewarding experince and I would do it again.

hi - please email me so we can talk. i'd like to ...

2008-09-27T21:55:00.000-04:00

hi - please email me so we can talk. i'd like to help you. we have support services and resources available. you must feel tired and frustrated and disappointed. your story is not typical but it is still very real to you and i would like to talk to you more.

kate k.
kkirkpatrick@adoptuskids.org

To AnonYour pain and frustration come thru very cl...

2008-09-27T15:52:00.000-04:00

To Anon

Your pain and frustration come thru very clearly in your post. I am so sorry that things have worked out for you in that way. It is sad and I feel for you.

It sounds as if you need a serious break and I am wondering if there arent any respite services available for you so that you can get some regular alone time. You need to find a way to take care of yourself also.

I also wonder if you feel that the life has been sucked out of you and your husband that you havent thought of disrupting with the children. It does not sound like a healthy situation for you or the children so maybe you need to make a choice. This just cannot be a good relationship if you are being physically abused as well as emotionally to the point where you are using a broom for protection or a weapon.

Please for your sake and the sake of the children call Childrens Services or someone who can help you either sort this out or assist you in placing the children elsewhere before someone ends up seriously hurt. Please dont allow this to go on for another moment.

OMG. I have not read anywhere on about the true s...

2008-09-26T07:56:00.000-04:00

OMG. I have not read anywhere on about the true story of adoption--you highlight the postive; walks in the park, family dinners, etc. PLEASE. Adopted kids have issues! Big issues. You are not prepared for this--no one is. Adopted kids have a chunk missing from their psyche. CHECK YOUR MENTAL HEALTH COVERAGE. Most health insurers are so cheap on this--some have a maxium benefit for the entire family--you are the one who ends up needed mental health assistance.IT IS WHAT ADOPTED CHILDREN NEED THE MOST OF AND IT IS THE LEAST PROVIDED OF ANY SERVICE. PLEASE--REALLY REALLY INVESTIGATE THE CHILD'S BACKGROUND. YOU CANNOT CHANGE GENETICS, NO MATTER HOW BIG YOU BUILD THAT TREE HOUSE. BALLET LESSONS. SWIMMING. SUMMER COTTAGES = THERAPY THERAPY THERAPY POLICE THERAPY JUVENILE COURT PROTECTIVE SERVICES THERAPY POLICE. DID I MENTION THEY'LL STEAL YOUR WEDDING RINGS? THREATEN YOUR PERSONAL SAFETY? I could go on and on. I am a bit of an expert. I've been an adoptive parent for 17 years to 9 children. Before that I was a foster parent in Lansing, Michigan. I began my journey with all of this only because I WANTED TO BUILD A FAMILY. My reproductive system was wacked--I experienced menopause at age 24. I am now almost 52. What started out as the most rewarding (challenging yes) thing I had ever done with my life and turned into a nightmare that has lasted 6 years and going strong. I am reduced to a screaming idiot over a mountain of medication that I must faithfully (not willingly) dole out every morning to a family of mentally challenged (they are handsome teenagers, you'd never know they were emotionally challenged) young people that I think love me, but they hate me too. They are abusive physically and mentally to me. My weapon is my broom--and I go through alot of them. I have a house full of ADHD, Manic Depressive, Bi-Polar, Explosive Behavior, Learning Disabled, Ashma, Sleep Disorders. Therapy? Ha Ha Ha. We're on a year long waiting list for a psychiatrist (did I spell that correctly?) oh what does it matter. To think I used to care what people thought of me. I don't care anymore--about much--these kids have sucked the life out of me and my husband. Please, don't ride in here and tell me what I need to do. I already know. I need to tell other people so they know. Brad and Angelina are fools. And they get all the glory but someday, and you heard it here, those kids will turn on them. They have the best intentions and right now is the best time in their lives but as those children grow--so does that big hole--of being adopted. Our society is not kind to adopted children. Our society thinks it's funny to say things about adopted kids in cards (Hey Hallmark, it's offensive) and movies (Unaccompanied Minors, I should sue you for wrecking our day at the movies) school projects asking for birth information, heritage etc (many attempts to school districts to widen their approach to such things)and to no avail. Every month and I do mean every month I have problems with the pharmacies filling the 11- 18 different medications I pass out daily. It sometimes takes me 5 trips to the drugstore to retrieve these meds (what about the price of gas?)--meanwhile I have the schools (I deal with 5 schools and approximately 25 teachers) calling me because Johnny did this or Johnny did that. I want to be 72 and have alzheimers--I want to forget. Anyone interested in adopting, really really research what you're doing--and listen to only those that have been there and have experience. I expect comments from somewhere out there to say "that woman shouldn't have been allowed to adopt!" Yeah, watchout. I had the best intentions too. I even kept 2 families together. BAD IDEA FOR YOU. You then have adopted the whole family of children that are going to have issues. The whole family. Enough. My kids are gone to school and my house is quiet and I believe I've said enough. Good Luck.

Hi AllFirst of all there seems to be a lull in the...

2008-09-24T07:21:00.000-04:00

Hi All

First of all there seems to be a lull in the activity on the blog and I am disappointed in that. I really look forward to reading all of your comments as I learn new and different things with each blog I read. I hope that even if no one feels they have anything new to add that they will continue to make comments even if only to let us all know of any progress they are making. (or not making)

I agree with the last post that talked of the caseworkers being over worked and not able to handle their caseloads. Not only do I think it is a burden to the workers and probably causes a high turnover rate with these jobs but it is a shame for the children that those willing and able to do their jobs have their hands tied by a system that wont invest a little more money into seeing that the staff is sufficient to handle all of the cases. I know especially now the economy is in a crunch however when you are dealing with human beings I think the "budget" should indeed make the children a priority. I am willing and able to live with a few bumpy roads that need fixed or without an extra body sitting at a desk at the DMV but not willing to allow the children to become statistics of a failing system. I think we all can make a difference by contacting our elected officials and voicing our concerns.

I understand and agree that the first concern for any caseworker should be to keep the children "safe" however our system by allowing the caseworkers to be so overworked that they cannot make homevisits etc is allowing children to continue to be abused by their bio families and some are not making it into the system without serious injury and some dont make it in the system at all due to being killed by bio families. I truly understand that parents have rights and that reunification is the primary goal however I think we have become so focused on parental rights that we have ignored the rights of the children.

I think of that poor little girl from Philly, Danyeal, and know that if the system was not as it is and if less emphasis was on the rights of her mother, she may well still be alive. It is also another case of not having sufficient and/or efficient abuse/neglect laws in place. If we had better laws regarding the treatment of children it would make it much easier for those agencies that are there to protect the children to see to they are safe as well as make it easier for judges to order the children into foster homes, adoptive homes or state custody of some kind to avoid further abuse and even death. Again, the laws that are currently in effect tend to lean towards the rights of the parents rather than the rights of the children. Honestly, it is a sad state of affairs when one watches these Animal Cops shows on TV and you realize that these animal protective agencies tend to have more power to remove an abused/neglected animal from a home than the protective services have to remove a child from their home. Judges or the court officials can easily turn over the custody of an animal to humane society custody and even order that the people involved are never again permitted to own animals yet we tiptoe around bio parents who have been extremely abusive and have proven over and over again their lack of willingness to do what they need to do to properly raise their children or who dont have any kind of capacity to do so.

I have heard over and over again about the "15 month law" that supposedly states that if a child is in foster care for that length of time and the parents do not comply with goals set by child protective services that TPR is a given. In the cases I have witnessed this is just not the case. It seems the parent(s) need only to do something minimal between each court hearing and the judges have a tendency to keep giving them more and more chances while the children linger in care living in limbo thinking they are going home then not going home etc.

Child abuse and neglect are just that no matter what state one resides in. It would seem to me that there should be uniform abuse/neglect laws in place mandated by the federal government that all states are required to follow including the courts for determining cause for TPR. This may result in more children coming into the system which is not necessarily a good thing but in the best interest of the children. These laws should focus on the rights of the children and not the parents. The children are the innocents in all of this and they literally have very little say in their lives or their futures. It is no wonder to me that young adults in the criminal system do not adhere to the law or care about breaking the law as they have to wonder where the law was when they were being abused or neglected. Who cared then?

I think there needs to be a big push to revamp the current laws and see to it that the children have very specific rights of their own. By doing this we are allowing the courts as well as child protective services to truly protect the children. If a family is under the protective services of an agency but for some reason wont allow access to their homes and children for whatever reasons the caseworkers should be permitted to call the police and enter the homes regardless. If families refuse servcies that are needed in the home for the children the courts should be able to either force the family to accept the services or remove the child from the home if not accepted. Every accomodation possible should be made to parents, transportation, whatever so that they have no excuses NOT to participate in parenting classes or any ordered requirements and if every opportunity has been given over a short period of time and those are not met by the parents then do TPR and give the children the rights to live a normal, loving and stable life. There should be very strict laws in place so that judges either do not have to be in the position of making the decisions or so that judges that indeed lean towards the parents rights have no choice but to follow the letter of the law.

We are in Iraq fighting right now partially because we are fighting for basic human rights yet we dont afford our children right here in the US any basic human rights not to mention civil rights. They seem to be more "objects" than living feeling human beings. It is no surprise to me that considering the way our system treats the children that we are seeing so much more crime and immoral behaviors. If we cannot as a whole value our children they will never be able to value themselves. Our country is so full of the "haves and have nots" that young people see no future and it is easier and more profitable to deal drugs or committ crimes for profit than to work two minimum wage jobs and be "respectable and law abiding". We have schools that literally are falling down on the heads of the students but we still expect them to learn. If our government doesnt care that this is happening then it sends the message that the children and education are not important enough to be a priority. In many way, too many to go into here, our own welfare system is so faulty that while supposedly designed to assist those in need it forgets and elimiantes helping people who are genuinely trying to help themselves. My opinion is to start helping, even in small ways, to make things better for those who are working hard and for those who sit back and do nothing contructive, let them fend for themselves.

I fear for this country because as long as we continue to ignore the social issues that will help our children grow into responsible caring adults things will become much worse. Politicians need to understand and accept that investing in our young people to see that they have all the advantages, a stable home, loving parents, education, those are the important investments for our future, not bailing out huge corporations or paying farmers not to produce crops. We wont have a country to invest in if this continues.

Chmae

Hi all, I too am going nuts waiting, long story bu...

2008-09-16T19:16:00.000-04:00

Hi all,
I too am going nuts waiting, long story but I'll skip it for now :) Thx everyone for sharing your commitment!

If it's any use to hear, a friend who worked in the system for a year helped me understand what a tiny part of the workers' jobs the adoption inquiries are. They had SO much work to do each day they couldnt do it all and the things that were emergencies that day were what got done. They had to go to court a lot, and got in trouble if they didnt make all their monthly home visits, and then someone would hand them a 6 week old baby that nothing was known about etc etc etc. Anything that wasn't actually in flames at the moment was not the priority.

Adoption inquiries were not part of the required tasks for child protection, although the same workers are expected to deal with both. They may only have one short phone call to you and they have to read the whole homestudy really carefully first, which takes a lot of time, so it may get put off. Some of the kids have "recruitment workers" too, but their only role is to pass your contact info on to the child's worker. The child's worker has to call your worker before contacting you. And then it sometimes doesnt pan out, so it's not going to be as exciting to them as you'd expect.

It's frustrating for them too. Their mandate is to keep the kids "safe", not to work on getting them adopted, no matter how beneficial that might be. It's great that there are lots of "recruitment workers" now but the bottleneck as far as I can see is, the children's workers themselves are pulled in too many directions.

I'm trying to use the annoyance and helplessness to feel a bit of what it must be like for the kids themselves.

I have met people who got relatively quick placements- some of it was luck, some was being proactive, some were open to "legal risk" or "foster adoption". To the writer who asks for any longterm inspiration stories, a friend of mine's daughter whom she fostered for 8 years just graduated college!

However one of the best things I've heard from an adoptive parent of many teens, was "you will not get the child you want- the child you get is the one you should have" I think she meant, not to go into it with a wishlist for the child's accomplishments or how it may turn out, but to meet the kid where they are and try the best you can to meet that child's needs. For example, I go kayaking a lot and would love to share that with a daughter or son, so I am hesitant to find a teen who can't swim. She said "you'll teach them to swim". It helped me be more realistic about what I expect to get out of it myself.

I'm considering doing emergency short term fostering while I wait.

Keep going to trainings and meeting the workers, and going to adoptive support groups, I have got great info that way.

LG

Another story of how a caseworker isnt fully infor...

2008-09-05T07:00:00.000-04:00

Another story of how a caseworker isnt fully informed or has chosen to omit essential information.

I was recently called about a child in another state. I knew the child had physical disabilities and discussed this at length with the worker representing the child. I specifically asked if the child had a feeding tube since I dont feel equipped to deal with this medical issue and was told no. I had thought that I recalled in the narrative that the child was visually impaired and told no. I asked if there were issues other than what she told me and she said no. I decided to further follow thru on the process only to learn the child does in fact have a feeding tube, has a seizure disorder as well as is visually impaired. Whether this was a case of the caseworker being uninformed, which I find hard to believe since she was reading from his file, or purposely omitted this extremely important information, I dont know. What I do know is that I specifically stated that I did not want a child that required extensive medical care such as feeding tubes, etc.

The caseworker basically indicated to me that if I wanted this child it would be a go and even went to the extreme of speaking with me concerning visits. Thus, I, while I never get my hopes up too high, was a bit enthused and excited at bringing home my new child.

Yesterday I received emails from AAN and lo and behold, the child was one of them sent to me. It is from this that I learned about the other disabilites. I was disappointed to say the least and I was terribly angered at the omissions and couldnt help but wonder if in fact I would have taken the time and the money to do the visit only to learn these things when I got to the other state and then needed to "reject" this child. I am greatful I learned of it before it went any further but am wondering what in the world the caseworker was thinking.

I have specific reasons for not taking children with this type of disability. I have very specific preferences regarding certain issues. For one, when I was doing foster care I had an older child that was very severe RAD and during my care, the child committed suicide. The child left my home one morning, which he was permitted to do, and 6 months later, just short of what would have been the 18th birthday, he was found dead. As far as they could determine, he had been dead all of that time. He had chosen an isolated place in a wooded area to end his life and there were no indications ever in his history that he was in fact suicidal. I no longer wonder if I could have stopped it or avoided this happening as I know that I could not. However, it left a very emotional scar on me and I dont think I could ever knowingly deal with a RAD child again. I also did long term respite for a young child who had a seizure disorder. I was very close friends with his foster family. The little guy hadnt had seizures for a very long time but started having them again and while the foster parents and I teamed up to try to find some answers. The seizures became so bad that it was effecting the emotional well being of the foster family's other children and they had to request he be moved. Within a couple of months of being moved we learned that he had died. It turned out that his seizure meds were actually causing the seizures, that his kidneys became toxic due to the meds and by the time the medical professionals figured this all out all of his organs were failing and he went into a coma. The foster mom and I both presented this possibility to the doctors and one went so far as to tell us we needed to quit researching on the internet and leave the medical to the professionals as we were "overreacting". Thus, while maybe unusual and not typical of children with seizure disorders, I dont feel comfortable knowingly taking a child with seizures. Again, whether rational or not, the experience has left scars.

I guess I relay these happenings simply because I think that caseworkers need to keep in mind that if we opt to not take certain issues with children there is always an underlying reason for that. And, this is not the first time that I have been asked about a child that pertinent information has been omitted. In the case of one child I learned that there was a condition that had various degrees of severoty and when I confronted the caseworker, after much research, as to what "type" of this condition the child had, the caseworker hesitated and while she stated she would find out and call me back, she never did. It turns out that he had the most severe type and in a few years he would have in fact been total care, 24/7. The bad thing is, had the caseworker been honest from the beginning, it was a condition that I may have been willing to accept and deal with but for her mis leading me, I no longer felt comfortable dealing with her or the situation. I feel for these children and know they are difficult to place but attempting to place them with someone who is not equipped or willing to deal with the "omitted" issues only leads to disruption and devastation for the family. I just think it is a horrid thing for anyone to do and while I would hope that it doesnt happen often, it does happen.

I just talked with the ex foster mom of one of my children yesterday and we were discussing the fact that while my child was represented to me as "normal" there were many things she had reported to me, based on her own experiences with her own adopted children, that were ignored by the caseworker. I am sure that having what she reported in his files would have made him more difficult to place. I am in it for the long haul and have no intention of giving up on the child but I do wonder at times if I had been fully informed if my decision to adopt him would have been the same. I am not stupid nor am I naiive so I am fully aware that none of the children from the system are truly "normal" however the issues this child has are far beyond what I could have imagined. Had I not had the experience in the field that I have and been so willing to continue to pursue his issues and whatever treatment he needs, it might well have ended in a disruption.

I think even when we are careful and advocate for ourselves, ask all the right questions, etc we can still be mislead. Whether it is intentional on the part of the worker or not, it does happen. So we all have to be careful and very thoughtful, especially when accepting a child with unusual and specific needs.

I would like to add that I have also dealt with caseworkers who do in fact fully disclose and who are actually appreciative when you tell them you are not equipped to deal with a situation because they arent looking to find a place for a difficult case but are indeed looking for the a great permanent home for the child. I respect and take my hat off to these wonderful people.

After a tiring workday in the city making parcel d...

2008-09-03T23:37:00.000-04:00

After a tiring workday in the city making parcel deliveries for the U.S. Postal Service, arriving home and checking on my cases is part of my evening routine. Somehow my wife and daughter allow me to take time to sit down and make the followup calls to my mentorees. A short call usually means I'm leaving a voicemail message, while a longer call might be a conversation with someone frustrated by the process, or thinking about giving up on the dream. There are times I may come across as a coach, a clergyman, a caseworker, or even a cheerleader. Of course I am none of those, but I do my best to keep these good folks busy with the successive steps needed to complete their homestudies, and then wait along with them for that special phone call for placement. It helps to have had the experience first-hand adopting successfully from foster care, and I have also used the anecdotes and experiences of other adoptive parents who have been kind enough to share them with me. Learning about family law and admin procedures is also very empowering. But mostly, what I find time and again is that these prospective parents want a sympathetic ear to hear them cuss out the "fine public servant" who won't return their calls, or to talk about their doubts about pursuing adoption as single parents or between jobs, or to celebrate with, because this wonderful child is spending their first weekend home with them.

New cases are always special, and no two are alike, although I always refer them to their regional ADFAN office and urge them to set up that initial orientation appointment. I also direct them to our Spanish-language website, and brochures explaining the local adoption process are always sent by mail. But whereas some folks are very green to the process and open to suggestions, others pelt me with their concerns and objections in becoming one of the legendary families "that you always hear about" that have had a placed child taken away from them. That, and the fact that Puerto Ricans are talkative by nature, accounts for the lengthy calls--thirty minutes on a first call is par for the course, forty is not uncalled for. I know I cannot count necessarily on a welcoming, cooperating social worker at the other end who may have never heard of AdoptUsKids or what I'm telling these potential parents. But I tell them that they deserve professional and ethical treatment from the agency, and that they can let me know if they are treated otherwise. My role is not to judge or pre-qualify over the phone, but to inform, direct and encourage. And I feel, I know I have to convince the parents to give the state agency a chance instead of just giving up or spending tens of thousands on foreign adoptions. After all, all I'm looking for is for some good parents to some wonderful kids who could really use the love of a family and the security of a home--I keep reminding myself of this, so I can keep my head in the game.

Sure it would be nice to have more time to do the calls, or sharing the load with more local mentors. With patience and much love, Nancy does more than her share with the housework and with Natalie's homework, and I'm guilty of taking quality evening time from my wife and my child to do this. But when a family tells me that they finalized, or when they e-mail the first pictures of their pride and joy, it is a wonderful and fulfilling experience, and I feel privileged in sharing this joy as I help these families as best I can. Being a mentor makes the adoption experience ever new to me, and to my family. It has made us better spokespersons and advocates for adoption from foster care, and this has blessed my life.

One last thought I'd like to share--you need love to even begin this race toward your forever child, but you need persistence to take you to the finish line. These waiting kids are waiting for your inconditional love... never, never give up.

Sam Robles
San Juan, PR

As a former Foster Child of New York City, raise i...

2008-09-03T18:43:00.000-04:00

As a former Foster Child of New York City, raise in a Kinship home and having the label as a foster child lead me on my quest to erase that stigma of being a foster child. Now married and a mother of 5 kids the youngest being 6 weeks old, my husband and I was trying to adopt a sibling group. We went to an adoption fair in State College in PA and saw a beautiful and wonderful set of 5 children in a need of a home. before we knew we were pregnant with our own we wanted and still do this sibling group. We had our agency that was present at the adoption fair to release our family profile and we even had a phone interview with the case worker of the kids. it sound promising and was told of the lengthly process. We were excited and was told we are a running family of choice for the children,after 5 months we still haven't heard from anyone. We are being told to just waite and be patient.our agency is working on finding a sib group for us

I completed my homestudy in September 2007. I sea...

2008-09-03T15:14:00.000-04:00

I completed my homestudy in September 2007. I searched on my own and did not use an agency. I am a white single male parent in my 40s and wanted an older while male child (8 to 15) or a sibling group of up to 3 children. The main website I used was adoptuskids. I also used Children Awaiting Parents, and a number of state and regional web sites. My search started in late October. Over the next few months I was offered 6 children from different places that I did not accept because I did not feel we would be a good match after I found out more info about them. Then in late January I found a 14 year old I believed was a good match. The process moved slowy. We talked by phone in mid-March and started visits in early April. He came to live with me in early June. There have been bumps in the road but I am very happy with my new son.

Here are some suggestions:
* Send out lots of homestudies. I sent out about 50. In my state I can send out these on my own. Have a cover letter for each stating why you believe you would be a good match.

* Follow up each with a phone call to be sure your letter was received.

* Determine what type of child you would be willing to take and what problems you are willing to deal with. Initally I wanted a child of up to 8 years old, but after I started making contacts I realized most children waiting for adoption are older and that an older child would be best for me.

* Decide up front if you are willing to be a foster parent or if you only want to adopt. My local social service agency would only help me if I would be a foster parent. I only wanted to adopt and chose not to work with them because of this. Don't be pressed to do something you don't want to do.

* Talk to people who have adopted children. This is probably the best way to find out about the challenges that are involved.

* Know that over 100,000 children are waiting to be adopted. Don't give up in your search, it may take a while. I can tell you that the work and the wait were worth it.

* Know that having a child will change your life forever. Figure out before hand how you will deal with the changes.

Bob

BACHelloI think I would be in the same position yo...

2008-08-29T12:16:00.000-04:00

BAC

Hello

I think I would be in the same position you are in had I not switched adoption agencies when I did. I would suggest you look into doing this as it has been a great change for me. I am using Sanctuary House of Chambersburg here in PA and the adoption worker does state wide so it doesnt matter where you live in PA she will work with you She is also extremely good with out of state placements and her view is that they are no more an issue than in state. The only issue with her agency, but not an issue for me and many others who use it, is that she is not a SWAN affiliate thus some counties in PA will not work with her. So if you prefer to stay in just PA that could be an issue. My worker has been in the field for 16 years and has her own agency for close to 6 years now and I cant say enough good for her. I just think you should know that there are other options and spending 6-8 weeks getting established with a new agency is much better than waiting more months or even years to find a child.

I feel the same way you do about having the support as I appreciate everyone who comments here. It is a way to vent for those who dont have friends or relatives who have experienced the process. It is a way to learn new things as well as teach others from your experiences. I really feel blessed that this site is available to all of us. Thanks AdoptUsKids and all the staff that make it possible.

Chmae

Dear Chmae and Char,Thank you for your support and...

2008-08-29T10:46:00.000-04:00

Dear Chmae and Char,

Thank you for your support and words of encouragement. I have been in this process for nearly 2 years now and still don't feel like I have made any headway in adopting a child. I have been told there are children in the system that I would be a great match for, or they would not have approved me to adopt. Well, where are they? My csseworker finally e-mailed me and told me that I was not matched at the last conference and they are discussing the families, like me, who have been waiting a long time. What that means, I don't know, but I will assume we just continue to wait and wait. I know some families from my group that are meeting their children this weekend and as happy as I am for all of them, I am very sad that I am still on this very, very, very long waiting list. As the holidays draw nearer and I see other families finding their children, I feel more and more that maybe it just isn't meant to be for me. I am trying to hold out hope, but with each passing day it gets more and more difficult. Thank you for allowing me to discuss my frustrations. Unless you have been through this I just don't think you understand how heartbreaking and discouraging the process is.

BAC

Chmae,MAPP’s stands for Model Approaches to Partne...

2008-08-27T16:36:00.000-04:00

Chmae,

MAPP’s stands for Model Approaches to Partnerships in Parenting. Several different curricula fall under this title (GPS, Deciding Together, PATH, PRIDE, etc.) Some states or agencies may certainly have their own in-house curriculum. The best thing that a social worker can do in their family’s home study document is assess and describe the skills that are assessed by whatever method of pre-service training their state or agency provides/requires. These are the skills addressed by GPS, which is the curriculum we utilize. So, we’re particularly interested in a potential adoptive parent’s strengths/needs around:

(1) Knowing their own Family
(2) Communicate=ing Effectively
(3) Knowing the Children in Foster Care
(4) Build on Strengths and Meet Needs
(5) Work in Partnership
(6) Be a Loss and Attachment Expert
(7) Manage Behaviors
(8) Build Connections
(9) Build Self Esteem
(10) Assure Health and Safety
(11) Assessing Impact Adopting has on your family/life
(12) Making an Informed Decision

Thank you,

Tiffany Anderson, Alabama RRT

Hi AllJust want to share some information that wou...

2008-08-26T08:34:00.000-04:00

Hi All

Just want to share some information that would apply to everyone who is adopting regardless of state.

I had asked the question a while back about adoption subsidy (yes- I am mentioning the "S" word) and Social Security. I have learned since then that funds for foster care and adoption subsidies that are reimbursed by federal Tile IV-E are in fact part of the Social Security Act. I would love to summarize it for you but I have yet to figure it all out myself. I find it very confusing as I am sure do many others.

What I have learned is that with Title IV-E the reason you cannot collect both full SSI and subsidy is because they come from the same fund thus one would be double-dipping. However, if the child meets the requirements and is eligible for SSI both can be collected as long as they jointly dont exceed the SSI maximum. EX: if the subsidy is 400.00 a month and the maximum SSI is 670.00 a month one can collect the 270.00 difference in SSI. Again, this is provided that the family income is such to allow the child to financially qualify for the SSI benefits. This ultimately would have to be determined by the SS office, of course. It is my understanding that there does have to be a determination that there is a qualifying disability for the child as well as determining the childs eligibility based on family size and income.

Social Security Death Benefits are different. I understand that since this is an entitlement of sorts, based on the death of a parent, that the disability and income requirements do not apply. I dont know if the benefits come from different "pots" within SS or not but have learned that both full death benefits plus the full subsidy can be collected without any adjustments to the SS amount.

I wish that I could explain more about the reimbursement process for children who are IV-E eligible however, I have found that it is extremely difficult to sort thru and follow. I have read information that states that reimbursement for foster care/adoption subsidies range anywhere from 50-83% and that 75% of the monies used for IV-E trainings are reimbursed by the federal government. I am not sure if those funds go to counties or states, or maybe go to the counties in states like PA where it is a county based system and then to the state level when it is state based. Again, very confusing. I do know that the federal government does audit cases and that the state of PA seems to owe money back to the federal fund due to billing for children who did not fall under the IV-E guidelines. I am not saying this was a blatant act on the part of the state of PA, I think perhaps that the regs are such that they are difficult to weed thru and follow. I had to giggle when trying to determine what was and was not paid out thinking to myself that only a rocket scientist could indeed figure out what it all meant and that maybe the reason politicians are not aware of what is going on with this funding as maybe they dont understand it either!!!!! LOL

I have also learned that some states will pay a certain rate within their own state but provide different subsidies when placing out of state. Some states will base the subsidy on the foster care rates you would receive in the state/county in which you and the child resides. Other states simply pay a flat rate regardless of the state or county the child is moving too. Another reason, again, that it would seem that having some federal guidelines in place for each state would seem quite beneficial.

For children who are not IV-E eligible it seems to be up to the state as to how much or even IF the child receives a subsidy. The burden of the subsidy falls completely on the state in question without reimbursement if the child is not eligible. I think it is Senator Grassley that has proposed legislation that all children, regardless of the current criteria of IV-E become eligilble for this program and I think that is a wonderful way to start on a path to improve placements.

Subsidy is a tough issue to address. I have at times, when negotiating a subsidy felt as though I was "buying" a child. I force myself to keep in mind that the subsidy, while simply a way to supplement in the support of a child, benefits the child in question. Again, never would I turn away a child because of a subsidy rate that I thought was low or insufficient and I have to believe that all of us agree with that. However, it is in fact a part of this process and I think there are many unasked questions when it comes to this subject. I think it is unrealistic to think that the majority of us could provide for and support several other children without some financial assistance and in the long run, paying out a subsidy is less expensive for a state/county than continuing to provide the financial costs of full care for a child. It is a win-win situation for the child and the state.

There are people out there who will in fact turn a child away for lack of the right subsidy. This is how I ended up with my oldest son. (In this case, the foster parents loss was certainly my gain!!!) There are some agencies in PA that pay extremely high rates for specialized foster care, 50.00-75.00 per day. While my son had been with this family for years when it came to the adoption, they in the end refused to adopt because the subsidy did not even come close to the per diem they were receiving for foster care. The foster family literally packed him up and took him to his county DHS office and dropped him off at their door. It makes one wonder where their interests truly were. Him or the subsidy? I think it is little stories like this that make us all wary of even discussing subsidies. On the other hand, again, it is part of the process and it comes with the territory. If the money will truly be going to enhance the life of the child, it should not be a difficult subject to approach nor should it be something we fail to negotiate. There are appointments that we will be transporting children to that we otherwise would not, extra expenses for clothing, memberships to the Y, etc etc so my personal opinion is that as long as it is the child who will ultimately benefit, then these kids deserve for us to advocate for them financially. I have friends who have found creative ways in which to use the subsidy, such as one is putting away a set percentage monthly for a college fund, another is putting away a set percentage in a savings so that when her daughters want that big wedding they can do so and another who is developing a fund so that if something would happen in the future to them, the family members who take the children are not financially burdened and one who started a savings so that when the child became of driving age there was money available for a vehicle and insurance. How could one feel guilty about being able to provide that for your children? Even those of us who could in fact provide all of those things without a subsidy can find creative ways to use the money to benefit the child. I had a friend in high school that when she started working at age 16 her parents started charging her and continued charging her a small amount of rent until she graduated college and went out on her own. In all of those years the parents had been putting that "rent" aside and when she did in fact move, she had a very nice savings to fall back on to find a place and get established. And, while doing this, the parents were teaching her the responsibilities she would need as an adult out on her own.

Unfortunately, there are some out there who do put a huge emphasis on the subsidy and who do for some reason think of it as their income and this spoils it for everyone else. I just think we all need to consider the benefits to the child and not think of it as a "bad" word.

Chmae

TiffanyJust a wuick question. Here in PA I had at...

2008-08-26T07:31:00.000-04:00

Tiffany

Just a wuick question. Here in PA I had attended trainings with virtually the same trainings as you have mentioned but I do not think it is called MAPP. How should an adoption worker list this on a home study coming to your state to make it clear that the training requirements have been met but just under a different "name"?

Chmae

We have struggled through the adoption process for...

2008-08-26T00:32:00.000-04:00

We have struggled through the adoption process for years. It is an extremely emotional process. I have been reading the posts here and see so much emotion. Joy and heartache side by side. I just want to thank every single person on here who is putting their hearts out there for these kids. The system unfortunately is not a great one and so things don't work for the children's best interest all the time but all of you are still out here trying to offer hope for these kids. I hope the people in positions to change things will take the time to read these posts and see the frustrations here. Look at all the good homes waiting and all the children waiting...someday we will match them up faster. At least that is my prayer. We have adopted 8 children over many years and none of the adoptions came easily at all. I would still struggle through every one of them for these children. I hope all of you find and can bring home the right child/ren for your homes. Keep fighting...it is for the children you are here not the system.

I would like to respond to Tina in Arkansas. If y...

2008-08-25T14:27:00.000-04:00

I would like to respond to Tina in Arkansas. If you have registered through the adoptuskids website in the state of Arkansas, please contact your Recruitment Response Team member and let her know that you posted these comments on the blog and we will contact the state office in Arkansas and try to get an update as to why there has been no action on your case to this point. We are presently working with ARK DHS and other families who share your same sentiment. Our goal is to do all we can to help achieve your goal of adoption. If you are unable to reach your RRT, call the 1-800 number again and ask them to put you directly in contact with the RRT covering the Ark area.

Alabama DHR is making efforts to restructure our s...

2008-08-25T14:19:00.000-04:00

Alabama DHR is making efforts to restructure our system to expedite permanency for our waiting children and we appreciate the feedback that we receive from families who experience our system. At this point children who are adopted by their current foster families are placed and placement activity completed by their county social worker. The adoptive placement of children with adoption as a goal who do not have a resource identified is planned and completed by placement staff at the State DHR office. Alabama is continuously looking at ways to complete adoptions for these children in a timelier manner, however also wants to assure that families have the skills as well as the love needed to assure a successful placement.

For families who live in Alabama the preparation and assessment process is the same regardless if their desire is to foster and/or to adopt. This is because the children and their presenting needs are the same. To assure that information is available to make the strongest match possible Alabama requires an assessment of the family around skills determined essential to adopting children from the foster care system – children who have been victimized by various forms and degrees of abuse and neglect.

When families from out-of-state inquire about our children, the instructions provided them about home study submission makes two things very clear: (1) studies that approve a family to foster (and don’t address adoption) are not considered nor are (2) studies that lack documentation of successful completion in MAPP’s or evidence of some similar training addressing the skills needed. When families are not selected for the children they inquire about a letter is sent back to the agency that sent us the study letting them know the family was not selected.

For families not familiar with MAPP’s (Model Approaches to Partnerships in Parenting) it is an assessment process along with training. Several different curricula can meet this need. Some agencies offer PRIDE, some PATH and many others. In Alabama we utilize GPS (Group Preparation and Selection) or Deciding Together as our MAPP’s curriculum of choice. In this curriculum the family’s understanding of the following are assessed:

· Child Development

· Behavior Management

· The Process of Grief and Loss

· The Dynamics of Attachment and Separation

· The Value of Families

· Individualized Service Plans

· Identifying the Strengths and Needs of Families and Children

· Behavior as an Expression of Underlying Needs

· The Value of Partnerships

· How Children Enter the Foster Care System

· Family Implications Among Foster Parents

· Understanding and Valuing Cultural Differences

We hope this information provides readers with a greater understanding into how our system assesses a potential adoptive family before matching them with our waiting children. Not only do we consider this in the best interest of our children, but also for the families we consider.

Tiffany Anderson, RRT for Alabama

Report on visit #2.I just had my second visit with...

2008-08-23T21:47:00.000-04:00

Report on visit #2.

I just had my second visit with the 12-year-old girl and 14-year-old boy that I mentioned in my posts on July 28th and August 1st. We went bowling and then out for pizza, and had a great time. As we were saying good-bye, the girl tucked herself under my wing and gave me a cozy hug - after only the 2nd meeting! Her brother followed with a "guy hug." The kids' comments to their worker afterward indicate that they like me at least as much as I like them. We will be getting together again in a few weeks.