Comments on AdoptUsKids blog: the child you feel prepared to parent

Hi AllYesterday I got my approval to be a resource...

2008-08-28T15:17:00.000-04:00

Hi All
Yesterday I got my approval to be a resource family.Today I got a call for a teenager who needed a placement.I was hoping fro a fast placement however never did I expect this fast.
After being filled in on the whole story my husband and I decided to decline.We have adopted 4 children in the past,never have been a foster parent and I must say that was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make.
Even now as I type this there are tears for this young person.
The decison was a hard one,but we felt it would be the best for the child and our children at home.That still does not make our decison easier.
Guilt is starting to move in and I wonder if the agency will ofeer me any more placements.I thought after 4 adoptions i was a pro at this but today I know different.
Has anyone had a similar experience?

Hello, this is Lanecia and i am an adoption homefi...

2008-08-26T09:47:00.000-04:00

Hello, this is Lanecia and i am an adoption homefinder in Florida and I wanted to respond about the family with the indecision about the teenage girl and the two boys. This issue is something i encourage prospective adoptive parents to discuss before they even start the adoption home study process. Yes families change and our feelings about what age group we want can change, but if everyone is not on at least a similar page it will create resentment and ill feelings and that is not in the best interest of the child. I just had a situation where we had an adoption disruption because the husband wanted it more than the wife, significantly more, and the children were dropped off in front of our office. I believe the children that adoptive parents get out of the foster care system is one of the most courageous and beautiful achievements a family can accomplish for a child with a history of abuse, abandonement and neglect. I think that it is wonderful that you and your husband want to adopt out of the foster care system. I believe that in this situation you need to speak with each other heart to heart.Everyone in speaking in this blog may have our own experiences with adoption but none of us know the inner workings and set up in your family, only you know that. If from that you come at an impasse then you have to put adopting on the table and reconsider in 2 to 3 months. Give yourself some time. Each of you need to write down what issues you think you can and cannot handle. As far as the opinion of the caseworker that you should not adopt for years after you adopt a teen is not quite accurate. It is really a case by case basis. The CHild Welfare League of America recommends that adoptive families wait a year before they consider adopting another child, to allow time for the children to adjust in your home. If the family is having a harder time adjusting to the new addition in the family it may take longer than a year. With a adopting a child out of foster care you need a lot of love, but you also need patience, and empathy and consideration of what your partner or spouse can or cannot handle.

Teen Mom now adoptingWhat wonderful advice!! You ...

2008-08-26T08:45:00.000-04:00

Teen Mom now adopting

What wonderful advice!! You made some great points that I think in fact have gone unsaid until now.

I think that you are very wise and should be commended for your dedication to your own children and now to any you will adopt. Hearing it from your point of view really does add a whole new light to the subject and brings up some questions that need to be asked and addressed. I think one of the best points you made is that you can assist someone in being a mother, as your family did you, but you cannot force someone to do so.

I am glad you responded and hope that your unique insight will assist this family in making an otherwise difficult decision. And, congratulations on your ability and determination in raising your own child and now helping a child in the system.

Chmae

Teen Mom or twinsI wanted to give a little differe...

2008-08-24T23:21:00.000-04:00

Teen Mom or twins

I wanted to give a little different perspective. I was a teen Mom. Although, neither I or my daughter were ever in the "system". Dealing with becoming a mother at the same time you are trying to get through your teenage years is a challenge most could never imagine. But before you make a decision regarding the teen mom, you should find out what the teen mom's expectations and wishes are. Does she sincerely want to "parent" her child? Or is she doing it because she feels she has to or is being told to. I see alot of advice in here about making sure she knows it is "HER" job to be MOM. But obviously you can't make someone do that and expect a good result if it is not what they want or are capable of at that particular time. Maybe this teen mom would like to just be a teen and perhaps a "big sister" to her child and let you do the parenting. This option may alleviate any fear she has of never seeing her child again, but not expecting something of her she may not be capable of. If you ask me, she should get credit for admitting this up front and doing what is probably best for her and her child. And it will give you a better idea of what to expect as far as challenges go. I was ready and determined to parent my child myself, and was able to do so with the support of my whole family. And now with two of my own biological children, my husband and I are adopting another. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband in this difficult decision.

Former teen mom and soon to be adoptive parent

To Anonymous in IL: My name is Olga and I’m the Re...

2008-08-19T10:13:00.000-04:00

To Anonymous in IL:

My name is Olga and I’m the Recruitment Response worker for IL.

Let me begin by saying, that’s a very tough call.

Have you considered a sibling group? Sometimes in a sibling group one child will be older and one younger. There are teenage girls in the system that still has a desire to be adopted as well as teenage boys. Parenting is trial and error. As parents you try to guide the children and keep them on the right path and instill values that will carry them through life. With younger children you have the opportunity to begin that process at an early age. With teens you’re going to work a little harder because many of them are going to be set in their ways.

Have you and your husband considered sitting down and talking with your license representative and request more training about working with teen mothers and their baby? Have you considered taking more parenting classes to become better informed about our children that are in the system? Or have you considered weighing the pros and cons of what could happen if the teen mother decided to move before she’s ready to go and how that will effect your own home life? A decision needs to be made as to what is going to work best in your home.

As far as your agency stating that if the teen mom is placed with you, no other children should be placed for many years should be discussed to find out why.

If you need further communication from me, please contact AdoptUSkids @ 1-888-200-4005 or www.adoptuskids.org.

Sincerely,
Olga

I so feel all of your experiences. To the single ...

2008-08-18T17:23:00.000-04:00

I so feel all of your experiences. To the single parents who wish to adopt be an advocate for yourself and be open to the adoption experience. Sometimes (I know form experience) we don't "know" that the 10 1/2 yr. old girl who came to you for respite for a week with an ungly history and behavior was meant to be your daughter. A year later she gets straight A's is a joy to our family and I can't tell you the last time she was on restriction. Always remember that you are raising adults not children and that just like picking a life partner or best friend that it has to be a fit of personality. There was a time when we thought we wanted to adopt a girl and end up opening our house to one of our sons who I can not imagine not having in my life. Then our daughters came along later. I can not tell you when but your "right" child is out there be open and follow your heart. Yes there are many children waiting but if they are not "your" child the placement could go very wrong. It is hard and takes time to find the love of your heart! Keep up the search! We have 2 biologicial and have adopted 6. I never dreamed my house or heart would be so full! No it is not always easy and we have many struggles but as my kids say no matter what we stick together! That is the best gift you can give our child. Kim

I have been feeling quite guilty lately because I ...

2008-08-17T09:59:00.000-04:00

I have been feeling quite guilty lately because I find myself skipping past the teens when I look for children. I dont know why I do this as when I did foster care everyone complimented me and commended me on the fact that I do exceptionally well with teens. In fact, I love teen-agers and there are many in the neighborhood that have no real reason to visit my home or stand and talk with me but they in fact do, frequently. And, while I am still trying to figure out why I avoid teens, the only logical reason I can come to is that in my mind somewhere I realize that they would not be in the home and part of the family as long as the younger kids would.

Thus, I began thinking of teens from their point of view and it has now changed my opinion and I think in the future I am going to concentrate on bringing at least one teen into our family.

I have tried to put myself into their place as far as what they must be thinking concerning adoption and a forever family. I think we, as adults, think this child is 16 and almost grown and doesnt really need us like the younger kids do. That I believe is not just true. In some ways I think that these kids need us even more than the younger kids.

I think that the older kids probably wonder at times if they were 8 and not 16 would they have a home? This is a legitimate question as far as I am concerned and in fact, they probably would in fact have a home if they were younger. I think about the older kids I have seen listed on the web sites and wonder how sad it is that they will probably age out of the system and be totally on their own with no support or no family to turn to.

I wonder how it must feel for those that manage to get to college to see their friends and dorm mates going home to family for the holidays and they have no one or no place to go. No family, no home. Those who suceed and graduate from college but who have no family in the audience to show their pride in their accomplishments. Getting married with no family to fill the pews in the church or having their first child knowing there are no grandparents, aunts or uncles. Young adult girls getting into abusive relationships and staying in them because they have no family to turn to for help or advice or a safe place to escape. How do they adjust to living lives as adults and establish their own family and healthy relationships when they have never had that for themselves?? How frightening it must be to be just short of your 18th birthday and knowing that the system is going to turn its back on you and ready or not you are going to need to fend for yourself. Always being the "friend" that someone takes sympathy on and brings home to their family for the holidays rather than the friend who takes another home for that very same reason.

And WHY? Simply because they were unfortunate enough to be teens in the system. No fault of their own, just that they were older when the system finally decided to remove them or finally decided their parents werent fit enough to raise them.

I agree that teens can be tough to raise and tough to introduce into your family. And maybe they will only stay in your home for a short few years and then decide to go out on their own. But with them whether they appreciate it or not, they take with them all you have given them in the short time they have been with you. They take away with them the knowledge that they do have a family to fall back on if they ever need it. They may never use that option, but think of the difference it might make for them just to know that option is there for them. They may in fact decide to go home with a friend for the holidays over college break but it would be because they want to do so, not because there are no other options. Whether the teen in question choosed to or not, they have options that they did not have if they had not been adopted. They have the option of asking Dad to give them away at their wedding, the option of asking Mom to help with their first born child and the option to invite everyone to college graduation. So while it might not seem that we can give them much in a short few years, we in fact can make all the differnce in the world for them. Just a sense of family and belonging could mean the difference between sucess and failure for an older child.

So, thinking of it in those terms, I have decided to now emphasize on older children. I would hope that any of you out there who are searching for an addition to your family consider these things the next time you just page past a child due to their age. I think these kids need to be considered whenever possible and I think while their stay in our homes as children might be short, they could possibly offer us a lifetime of happiness also.

Chmae

I think many older children are capable of attachi...

2008-08-16T10:18:00.000-04:00

I think many older children are capable of attaching or bonding to you, even though they were not born to you.

13 years ago, I started volunteer at the Chicago Women's AIDS Project as mentor. I was matched with a five year boy to be a mentor with, and I have taken him out on outings to the park, the zoo, bowling, the movies, etc.

This boy is 18 years old now, and has one year left in high school. He told me a couple of months ago that when I first few months after he first meet me, he was "scared" of me, which I was surprized to hear. I do remember that when first met, it seemed to take him a few months before he really latched onto me. I can remember the day when I sensed he felt secure with me: we were at a carnival when he was five & a half, and he took my hand that day as we walked through the carnival. He has been very cuddly ever since then.

His mother died 5 years ago, and he lives his grandmother now. He hasn't seen his father since he was an infant. He calls me "Goddaddy" when he is around his friends. When though we are from different races, he is very attached to me, and he thinks of me as a father figure.

NolaCongratulations on bringing home your new daug...

2008-08-16T07:35:00.000-04:00

Nola

Congratulations on bringing home your new daughter!!! I am sure your next couple of months will be full of ups and downs but then you sound like very experienced parents and you know that already.

I think sometimes people expect huge changes in behaviors, etc too quickly and this doesnt happen over night. I truly believe that taking "baby steps" as major accomplishments is so very important. I think many have a tencency to look for the big picture rather than all of the little things that add up to the big picture. My 5 year old had a major tantrum, what I call a "melt down" last evening. My first thought was that "I thought we were over this" and then I realized that it was okay because he hadnt done this for nearly 6 weeks and the time before that he had gone nearly 4 weeks between the incidents. By keeping note of these things I am able to ground myself and keep track of progress. In about 7 months we have gone from nearly daily melt downs to once every 6 weeks or so. THAT is a major accomplishment, not just for him but letting me know that I am doing what is needed for him. I think that NOT thinking in terms of a child has been here a year and is still doing this or that, one needs to take comfort in the fact that after a year the behaviors have lessened, they are not as frequent or they are less intense. Realistically, it can take years of working with a child to alleviate some of the experiences they have lived thru in the past. Realistically, some of the baggage that these kids carry with them they will carry for life regardless of what we do as parents. That is not to say that we cannot teach them to better deal with their issues and to handle their emotions in a healthy manner, but no matter what we do the memories and experiences will remain with them for life and will in fact shape their future. Simply bringing a child into our home and providing love does not equate to any kind of "quick fix" for them. As much as our hearts go out to them and as much as we want to provide a stable, loving home we cannot erase what they have been thru. What we need to do is provide them with the tools and ways in which they can control and live with what has happened to them so they can lead normal, productive lives.
Anyone who has adopted or done foster care knows that you need to take one day at a time and go on from there. A behavior might happen on a daily basis then lessen to weekly, to monthly, to every several months and eventually disappear. It is a long process and much more difficult on the kids most of the time than we adults. There may be some resentment there, and I think rightfully so, as we are taking children who have been "raised" in a particular manner and allowed to behave in certain ways and expecting them to change the only way they know and we are the ones who are trying to force that issue. These kids most of the time dont see anything "wrong" with their behaviors because it is all they have ever known. So even the most subtle suggestion that what they are doing is "wrong" or inappropriate could make them fall deeper into the "whats wrong with me?" and the "why cant someone love me for me" rut. Personally I prefer to approach from the point of view that we do things a certain way in our house than others do in other homes. If I have a child say "this is the way I did it before" I try to act very indifferent no matter how crude or outrageous I think it was to allow this behavior, and respond very calmly with " I wasnt aware of that and that is okay but we do it this way or that here so I would appreciate your cooperation." I try to make it very clear that different people have different ways of doing things no matter where you live or who your parents are. It is kind of like, and I am assuming all of us who are parents have said this at one point in time, "But Bobbys parents let him do it" and we respond with "yes, but I am your mom, not Bobbys and we dont do that in this house".
I guess the point I am trying to make is that you have to take each child and their experiences indvidually and build on that. No matter what their past, each child has unique and wonderful qualities that you can build on. With some it just takes longer to get the point across.

To the couple that is struggling with the decision...

2008-08-15T22:29:00.000-04:00

To the couple that is struggling with the decision between the teenage girl with her own child and the two twins boys....

I am single dad who at 23 raised his then 11 year old brother and 15year old sister, and then proceeded to adopt three older teenage boys, and finalizing on my fourth, have been certified as a licensed foster parent of an autistic young man and am also looking into the possibility of a fifth son.

You have to have belief in yourself that you can offer these kids the one thing that they do not have, and that is "A Family". It does not matter whether your kids are biological or adopted, they present challenges everyday of your life, and I do not know any good parent that at some point in time does not question themselves as to whether they are are doing the right thing or not. All you can do is get in there and try. One of the biggest things I have learned is to be able to admit mistakes to your kids and apologize to them verbally. You would be surprised how many parents cannot do this, but those that do earn so much more respect from their kids.

I have crossed almost every imaginable obstacle in the adoption process that you could think of. From being told that I was crazy to once you have your first child, you should wait for a good long time before you adopt again. My first son was 17 when he was palced with me... Within 5 weeks of meeting him for the first time, he was in my home, and through lots of hard work and a great attorney, had the adoption completed within 6 months. Within 4 months of him being placed with me, I had sought to have his 14 year old brother placed with me and succeeded. They had been separated for over 7 years. I guess what I am trying to say, is that you have to go by your heart. Don't let anyone tell you that you should or shouldn't do something. Only you know inside whether you have the strength and conviction to build that family that we all want so much.

Teen mom or twins?As a member of the "foster/adopt...

2008-08-15T12:11:00.000-04:00

Teen mom or twins?

As a member of the "foster/adopt community" I'll add my two cents worth. You're getting a lot of advice and I'm glad that you're giving serious thought to this important decision. Too often, the best intentions lead us into poor decisions which might have been avoided by objective reasoning.

My wife and I have had the experience of a placement with a teen mom and we'd like to share some thoughts in that regard. The baby was placed in a different home pending mom's attaining age 18and proving her ability to safely parent her child. We wanted to help her achieve reunification as the happy ending to the situation, but that was not the outcome. One of the criteria set by mom's worker was that she not have contact with the baby's father. This, of course, was the primary factor in derailing the unification plan.

Whether children are biological offspring, in foster care, or adopted, we must all be prepared for unsatisfactory outcomes. The old saying "Life is what happens to our plans" is so true. The best we can do is to plan as wisely as we can and recognize that even the best laid plans often go awry.

The bottom line is, no one can tell you what you should do in a particular situation - you know your family and yourself better than any outsider. The only thing an outsider can provide is objectivity - the most difficult to achieve for oneself. That said, here are some basic starting points which we have found helpful:

1) What is best for you and your spouse? I know this sounds selfish, but we have come to believe that most people become foster or adoptive parents to enhance their own lives. The fact is, we all gain at least as much from becoming foster/adoptive parents as do the children.

2) What is in the best interest of your other children? You have a committment and responsibility to them which takes precendence over a prospective foster/adoption.

3) What is in the best interest of the foster/adoptive child? The road to failure is paved with good intentions.

4) Finally, are you prepared to accept the worst possible outcome? What would be the effects on your family if everything goes wrong? If you think the worst cannot happen to you, you are deluding yourself and the result could be devastating when things go bad.

It is not my intention to discourage anyone. Our entire family has gained so much from our experiences (good and bad) as foster and adoptive parents. Your efforts to analize the situation tell me that you will make the right decision for you and your family. As members of the foster/adoptive community, you have a wide network of support you can tap into through local support groups, local agencies, and sites such as this.

I love reading all of the comments. No matter how...

2008-08-15T08:56:00.000-04:00

I love reading all of the comments. No matter how well I think that I have thought thru a scenario there are those of you who bring another side to things. It is just wonderful.

I am also thrilled that a caseworker responded and I do agree that with older children "what you see is what you get". It could be there is much more history available or that they have been in the system long enough for their true issues to surface. I totally agree that when you adopt much younger children who are not yet able to verbalize and express themselves you cannot be sure of the future. What may seem like the "terrible twos" may well be the indicators of attachment issues.

I know there are many differing opinions out there as to at what age children are able to retain their past but I think it starts as infants and remains with the child for a life time. My bio son was diagnosed with menningitis at two months old and during his 15 day hospital stay had several taps for spinal fluid. To do this they had put him on a back board as then, (I am not sure about now) they did not sedate a baby for this procedure). At a little over age three he needed stitiches and because he wouldnt lay still the doctor brought in the board to secure him and the child looked at it and went hysterical when he saw it. The only explanation I have for that is that somehow he recalled his previous experiences with the same device. I had a foster child with some very severe behaviors attributed to PTSD, he was only 5. There were some very severe aggression issues with him and while it took a lot of time to figure it all out we came to the conclusion that when he acted out he was replaying and re-enacting the experiences he had as a very young toddler and infant. The almost 5 year old I have adopted has extreme issues with food and hoarding. While he was removed from his bio parents at age 13 months and has been in care and not neglected since there seems to be memories that trigger his fear of not having enough to eat as he is still eating until he vomits and stealing/hiding food. As adults it is difficult to imagine that he has memory of being hungry as a tiny baby but it is the only plausible explanation as it has been 4 years he has been in care and has NOT been food deprived for all that time. The only way I know to explain it is that the memories are there and were made before these children had any verbal skills thus behaviors and not words are the only way they can now manage to address those memories.
I think with age, while the memories may still be present, there comes a maturity and understanding for these children. My 5 year old cannot seem to understand that if he is hungry that all he needs to do is ask and he can have a snack. His 11 yr old brother, though, has learned this and while there are times when he literally "thinks" he is starving, somewhere in his mind he knows the food is there, he knows it will be there for the future and he is learning to control the urges to eat all he can as quickly as he can. It may be that the urge to eat, eat, eat may always be a battle for him but he can and is learning to control it.

I agree that when you adopt older children many of these behaviors are already noticed by their caretakers and one knows what issues are coming with the child. Many of the issues, if caught early enough, usually by the great foster parents out there, the child has possibly been in a therapeutic setting and some of the issues addressed. I equate it to the stories of people who have adopted internationally and within a few years learned that the infant they brought home is a very mentally unhealthy child. I also agree that there are some people out there who believe that love is all these children need and that is not the case. Attachment kids dont know what love is nor do they want the love poured on them. They have adverse behaviorial reactions to getting too close and to feeling like they are being forced to "bond" when bonding isnt something they are capable of.

I have read studies that now indicate that attachment issues might well form in utero before the child is even born into the world. It seems that mothers who suffer depressions while pregnant are at a high risk for attachment kids thus one cannot even be sure that taking home an infant directly from the hospital will not result in some type of attachment issues. I also agree that with so many children being born to drug users and those who have used alcohol during pregnancy that many issues are not recognized in the early stages. As with attachment children, those exposed to drugs in utero or born addicted end up with varying degrees of issues. They can range from extreme aggression to virtually no behaviors at all but this cannot be judged during infancy or maybe not even in early toddlers. Thinking that this can be changed with love and only love is a mistake as love cannot change the brain damage that has already been done. The brains of these children were never able to form correctly and are simply wired differently from "normal" children.

Every potential adoptive parent out there should make themselves aware of attachment issues as well as the variety of issues that may surface with drug exposed children and be prepared. The 5 yr old I have adopted came to me as the "normal" child and while he has settled in and is making much progress, he is far from "normal" and in some ways his behaviors more severe than his brother who came with a diagnosis.

Our hearts go out to these children and as parents what we want most is to give them stable, loving homes but sometimes these kids can be such a disruptive force in our lives that if not prepared the likelihood of disruption becomes much higher. This damages the children further as well as our own family.

I personally have dealt with many attachment kids with varying degrees of behaviors and I know that I am not equipped to deal with those with severe issues and have learned the "red flags". Any time I read a profile and having the knowledge at hand, that even remotely indicates that attachment may be an issue, I pass on the child. It is NOT an easy situation to be in and I have the highest regards for those who have been able to hang in there and deal with this type of child.

I think one can in fact be realistic in expectations as well as welcome a child with issues with open arms. In all my years experience as a foster mom I have learned to accept a child as a "blank slate" when first coming into my home. I would keep in mind any severe or dangerous behaviors if any but allowed the child to enter my home as if they did not have a "past" to conquer. I have found that this takes the pressure off all involved and we work on one issue at a time. I also have learned that just because one child at 10 behaves one way doesnt mean another child at age 10 is capable of behaving the same way. I try to treat each child as an individual and base my expectations on what they were capable of as individuals. I have heard many times "its not fair" but life isnt always fair and at some point in time we all have to learn that. If one child at 12 is capable and wants to mow the lawn with supervision and another is the same age but not capable, it is just the way life is. You find a way to compensate by giving the other child something they can do safely and within their own limitations. Allow them the space to change the past at their own pace. I had many experiences where foster families along with caseworkers did what I thought was set the child up for failure from the start. Based on past behaviors you cannot do this or that and I dont trust you from the start because in the past you did this or that. Of course you need to keep an eye on the situation when there are questionable behaviors, there is no doubt about that. But I have always tried to approach it as trusting them until they give me reason to NOT do so and then go from there. I do think that much of what some of these children need is to make a fresh start and that cannot be done if their past carries over with them every where they go. You may know their past and monitor what is going on but that doesnt mean one needs to let them be aware you are monitoring or that you know as much as you do. In the past this "technique" has seemed to work for me so all I am offering to all of you is the benefit of my past experiences. That is not to say this hasnt blown up in my face on a couple of ocassions however I have experienced more success than failure with doing things this way.

Just educate yourselves and know what you might be getting into and seriously consider older children whenever possible.

Chmae

This is to the woman who is considering sibling bo...

2008-08-15T00:59:00.000-04:00

This is to the woman who is considering sibling boys or the teen-ager with a child. From my experience (adopting one 10-year-old girl) it's going to be hard work no matter which way you go. I agree with the previous post-er who said that the adoptive parent who is doing the majority of the parenting should have the final say. Remember, this is for life! But, both parents have to bond with the child/ren - just like we both have to bond with our biological children.
Even though I do the majority of the hands-on parenting, I absolutely deferred to my husband in this case. I wanted him to be happy with the situation. I didn't push him. He didn't want a boy (we already have one biological son and a biol. daughter). He didn't want a teen-age girl or any severely physically or emotionally handicapped children. As a Christian wife, it's my responsibility to defer to him. And as a mother, it's my responsibility to help my husband bond with the children (adopted and biological) as much as possible.
If this isn't a huge area of disagreement and you (mother) are the main caregiver then the choice should be yours. You must take on what you feel you can handle because problems will come on and you must be able to remind yourself that this was your choice -- what you wanted.
Pray and seek the opinions of people who know you and your husband well.
Take care. It will all work for the best.

Kate ask me to come post. I am an adoptive mom of...

2008-08-14T22:08:00.000-04:00

Kate ask me to come post. I am an adoptive mom of 4 now with 2 bio's. We just brought our latest child home Monday! She is 16!

Our first 3 were a sibling group. They were 4, 7 and 8. The bio's were out of the home. Fast fwd 3 years. After 2 years of trying to get CPS to update our file, find a child etc we finally were matched with a child from 2 states away! Don't let anyone tell you ICPC takes forever! From the day they sent in the request until we brought her home was just under 6 weeks.

The first round we had lots of requirements we wanted met. Most of them we were assured these kids met. HA almost everything we didn't want we got including RAD. We survived! This time around we had a very different request. 1.Safe around younger children and pet. 2. Does not self abuse. 3. Happy in a rural setting. 4. Not into organized sports.

If you look it seems broad but it does cover all the basic need we had. We needed some one that could blend with younger kids and animals. I didn't want a cutter or fire starter or any of the other self abusive behaviours that so many older kids have. We are way out in the country so someone that wants an urban setting would not be happy. We just don't do sports.

Each of my kids has been a blessing. I can't wait to get to know this new child. This week has been a culture shock and honey moon, but she is doing well.

I love talking about adoption and sharing our story feel free to contact me.

Nola

Handling Disagreements:When you have a strong beli...

2008-08-14T21:28:00.000-04:00

Handling Disagreements:

When you have a strong belief about a certain thing it can bias the facts and skew the stories we tell ourselves. We can set ourselves up for failure or success as easily as telling our selves a different story. The facts are important and so are your feelings about them. When two people have strong beliefs then the dynamics are much more complex and getting to dialogue is critical to prevent driving one partner or the other to silence or violence. Violence is not necessarily physical. It can be name calling, snide remarks, withdrawal, threats and ultimatums. The harder you try to push your point the easier it is to block the path to success. Seek to understand what each other wants from the process and the end results. Be candid and honest about your abilities and your long term capabilities and support network. If you take on an assignment that you feel good about but don't have the technical skills to see through by yourself then make sure you have lots of help getting through the tough times. I agree with previous posts that spell out steps to take in the introductory process. We met some kids we were convinced ahead of time were the right kids for us. After a few minutes we soon discovered we would have been in way over our heads. We met other kids that we felt much better equipped to handle. Ultimately we got neither group...and still ended up in way over our heads.

Parents need to come to a consensus about what the...

2008-08-14T17:12:00.000-04:00

Parents need to come to a consensus about what they want. If there is no sincere agreement and an adoption is consummated, there will be doubts as soon as the first family disagreement arises.
Most states recommend the family takes some time off from fostering after an adoption. This is so that the adopted child/ren will bond with the family. Some states recommend up to a year. The family really needs to agree on what they want. No one wants an adoption disruption, especially the child/ren. He/She or they are the ones that suffer the most.

To the family trying to decide to adopt the twins ...

2008-08-14T16:17:00.000-04:00

To the family trying to decide to adopt the twins or teen age girl. My husband and I have adopted three times and seven children. I feel strongly that the person who will be doing the majoring of the parenting should have more imput on the child to adopt. Our first adoption I wanted to adopt a younger sibling group, but my husband was set on a sibling group of a girl 11 and a boy 9. Neither of us were prepared for the anger and violence of these children. My husband would get home from work earlier and the girl told us she was going to accuse my husband of rape if we adopted her. She wanted to be with her birth family even though parental rights were terminated. After 11 months she had to go to a group home and had contact with her birth family. We did adopt our son, but I got so much abuse from him that it put our marriage in trouble. Now ten years later we have learned so much and have adopted six more children. I felt in my heart these were the children for us and it has gone much better. Our older son also went back to his birth family as soon as he was old enough.
We have had about three years in between our adoptions. The first year in all three was extremely hard, the next year got getter and the third year we got to the point of real bonding. All of our children were 5 to 11 when we adopted them.

WHEN WELCOMING A NEW FOSTER CHILD INTO OUR HOME, W...

2008-08-14T14:18:00.000-04:00

WHEN WELCOMING A NEW FOSTER CHILD INTO OUR HOME, WE ALWAYS TRY TO BE PREPARED FOR ANYTHING. AS PREVIOUSLY STATED, PLACEMENTS ARE USUALLY ON NEED -- NOT BY MATCH. BY LETTING YOUR SOCIAL WORKER KNOW ABOUT YOU AND YOUR EXISTING FAMILY, YOU CAN GIVE THEM THE KNOWLEDGE OF WHAT DEFINITELY WON'T WORK FOR YOUR FAMILY. OTHER THAN THAT, YOU SHOULD BE AS OPEN AS POSSIBLE. REMEMBER THAT YOUR FOSTER CHILDREN ARE COMING FROM A DIFFERNET WORLD WITH DIFFERENT RULES AND VALUES. THEY WILL CHANGE A LOT. ALL CHILDREN CHANGE A LOT, WHETHER BIRHT OR FOSTER...BUT FOSTER CHILDREN ARE INTRODUCED TO SO MANY NEW THINGS AND IDEAS THAT THEY WILL CHANGE EVEN MORE. IF YOU OPEN YOUR PARAMETERS, YOU WILL FIND GROWTH FOR YOURSELF, TOO. AND BE SURE TO PREPARE THE CHILDREN ALREADY IN YOUR HOME FOR "ANYTHING". THE MESH WITH THE NEW CHILD OR CHILDREN WILL BE EASIER IF EVERYONE IS READY FOR WHATEVER YOUR FAMILY'S NEW MEMBER(S) BRING.

When we attended classes to prepare for adoption, ...

2008-08-14T13:58:00.000-04:00

When we attended classes to prepare for adoption, we reviewed the 12 criteria. One of those was "Know your family" and another was "Know the child". While it is impossible to predict the future, I'm sure that you and your husband can agree on what would be best for your family at this point. All children are different and sometimes younger children are more difficult to handle, depending on the issues. Too, there could be difficulties with a teenage mom and child in your home. With both situations, the insight gained and the happiness brought into your family will be immense. Rest assured that God will send to you the children that are meant to be there.

As a social worker/adoptions consultant, my respon...

2008-08-14T13:24:00.000-04:00

As a social worker/adoptions consultant, my response to your question is to remember that first and foremost (here in NM anyway) that we are seeking families for our children, not children for our families. This is a very important distinction. I see far to many adoption "disruptions" occur due to the adoptive family placing expectations on the child which are unrealistic or unreachable for the child or which stem from the adoptive parents lack of understanding of the child they are adopting. By this I mean, these children have been severely abused and neglected. In most cases since this happened during the first 3 years of life, their brains are hard wired in a way which can make attaching to caregivers very very difficult for them. If adoptive parents have the "expectation" that a child (even an infant/toddler) is going to respond to unconditional love in a recipricol manner, they are setting themselves up for failure in some cases. Children with attachment problems may say and do things which are incompehensible to familes who have not been trained on the neruobiologcial effects of abuse and neglect on the developing mind. For example, these children may say (if old enough) such things as "I hate you","you are not my mom", etc. and may not reciprocate emotionally. They may also pit 2 caregivers against each other, especially in cases where one is more ambivalent about adoption. These so called RAD (Reactive Attachment Disordered) kids may have trouble forming emotional attachments to caregivers which can take years (a baisc rule of thumb being, take the number of years the child has been in care +1 and you have an idea of how long it can take). If the parents have the expecation that their adoptive child should reciprocate their love and affection, you are headed for major problems. Pease, please seek information out regrading attachment related problems and skills on how to deal with them. Also, please examine your motivation for wanting to adopt. You have to be brutally honest with yourselves. If you are trying to fill a void of some kind with a child (fertility issues, "empty-nest" etc.), insetad of wanting to be a parent/caregive resource to a child who desperatly needs one but whom may never be able to fulfill your expectaitons (educational, physical, emotional, etc)then you are putting your needs and wants ahead of those of a child, and becoming an adoptiove parent may not be for you. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but far to often we have adoptive and foster familes literally drop kids off at our door saying that they can't take it anymore, or that the child is not what they expected. Such disruptions are severly emotionally harmful to our kids. Adoptive parents must have some basic knowledge of attachment. They must put the needs of the child first. Conversly, agencies need to be doing a better job of training and supporting adoptive familes (this is a two way street after all). ANothe basic mistake adoptive parentst make is the assumption that an infant-toddler will have fewre "problems" than an older child. In my eperience this is not the case, especially when you factor in gentetics and the fact that many of our infants-toddles in custody were born drug affected or were exposed to drugs/alcohol in utero. The effects of such exposure or genetic manifestations may not show up in a toddler-infant for years (we have had familes who have adopted infant-toddlers and who have come back years later and claimed as a jsutification for wanting to disolve an adoption that we "did not tell them" that the child would turn out like this). With an older child (teens) these things have been fleshed out so to speak. You will have a much greater history (medical/psychosocial) to review, and genteic problems if any should be more apparent. Bottom line, our children need homes which can provide safety, security and love to them REGARDLESS if it is reciporcal. They need homes where their family will not place unrealistic expecations on them, and then dump them when they do not measure up. Best of luck to you, please read up on attachment!! It is very fasinating, and canmake the difference in keeping an adoptive family together......

Hi:To the family who is stuggling with the decisio...

2008-08-14T12:24:00.000-04:00

Hi:

To the family who is stuggling with the decision on who to adopt, the teenager or the twins.

This is not an easy decision to make. Every child deserves a home and family and it is not unusual to feel guilty over not being able to help every child that comes across our path. Many, many times I have had those guilty feelings because we were unable to help a child in the system at the time they needed it the most. We have adopted seven from foster care.

It is OK to have different oppinions on which path to take. You both have a big decision to make and you want to make the right decision, but no matter which path you choose the children that join your family now will be very lucky and you will also be blessed. Right now you both have to sit down together and figure this out. You are a team and the two of you are what make this team so successful. You have to look at the pros and cons of both sets of children and you have to be really honest when you do this.

In not knowing all the particulars about the children and your family I can give you my suggestions from experience, but remember these are only suggestions. Taking in a teenager with her baby can be a very big challenge. Teenagers are not adults, though they think they are, and they are not children, even though they act like it. You complicate this teenagers life with the addition of her baby. I am assumming that you will be only adopting the teenager and not the baby as the baby is the child of the teenager although they will both come to live with you. You will have to be prepared for the fact that at times she may want to be Mom to her child and at other times she will just want to be a teenager and go out with her friends. The total care of the baby might fall upon you but you will have no rights to make decisions about the baby without Mom. The biggest thing I have seen happen in these situations is that some sort of disagreement happens between you and the teenager and she decides that she is not staying any longer and she leaves with the baby. The baby is then taken away from her for neglect and placed in another home because the teenager returns home with you and the department decides that they do not want the teenager and baby together any longer. The department could decide to place the baby back with you if the Mom moves out. Now you have to decide between your daughter or your grandchild. This is tough. On the other hand you have two young boys who also need a home. You could provide so much for them and help them grow and learn about the world. You have so much to teach them so that they never find themselves in the situation that the teenager is in, a baby raising a baby.

I know it sounds like I am pushing for the twins and not the teenager, but that is not it. You want to be able to do the best for what ever child joins your family so you need to look at the strength it will take to take in the children.

Do not rush into your decision, think of all the angles. It is OK to desagree, but you have to come together on the final decision and support each other 100% once it is made.

Once you adopt for the first time you will be able to go on to adopt again. It is usually a good idea to give yourself and the children some time to settle in and for eveybody to get use to each other. There is no set rule on how long this should take but at least six months is a good place to start. The social worker of the teenager may have told you not to adopt again for years because she knows what you could be in for.

I would like to be a support to you if you wish. Just contact Kate or AdoptUSKids and they can put you in contact with me. You are both doing a good job for the children who wait.

Bernie
AdoptUSKids - RRT

To Teen or younger children:I genuinely feel for y...

2008-08-14T12:17:00.000-04:00

To Teen or younger children:

I genuinely feel for you in your situation. You sound like an extremely caring indvidual, as well as your husband, and I would think that you would make great parents for any age child.
I, while I am single, do think that I know what you might be going thru. Many times when I have been a potential parent for children I have wondered if chosen for more than one which would I choose and how would I choose. I always come back to what will be the best fit not just for the family but for the child in question. Maybe it would help to make a list of pros and cons, not just for these particular children, but for different age groups, and list the ways in which they would fit, wouldnt fit as well as what you feel would be negatives and postives for each age group. It may be that if you and your husband do this separately you may have more in common than you both realize.
Second, if your goal is more children in your future, I would have to question why an agency would feel that you needed to wait years to adopt again. Remember, just because you may use this agency for your current situation, if you are in a state that has different agencies available, you can always switch agencies once you are finalized. I would specifically ask your adoption worker why she/he has the mind set that you could not parent more children than the teen age girl for "years". I know many families that have adopted very large families in just a few short years and do not know why adopting in the near future would be an issue.
If your husband has no issues with taking the younger kids if the teen girl isnt available and if you are willing to take the teen if the younger ones arent available maybe the solution would be for you and him to agree that if you are selected for either the teen or the younger ones, whichever comes first will be who you bring into your family. I am a true believer in "fate" and cant help but think that you will eventually get the children who were "meant" to be in your home.
I think that you might be a little insecure when it comes to parenting a teen and I dont at all fault you for that. It is a huge responsibility as well as very different from younger children. i have not adopted teens but I did do foster care for many and it is very different however can be rewarding in ways that you dont find with younger children. It would be nice if there was someone reading the blogs that could possibly relate their experiences on raising a child from a teen and let you know a little of what you might expect. Having raised 4 sons to adulthood I have that experience but not with introducing a teen child into a family setting. It may be a little fear of the unknown that is adding to your insecurity.
We havent heard from you for a while so please keep us posted and let us know what is happening. We are here to offer our support and any advice that we can. Things will work out for the best I am sure.

Chmae

I'm a mother of 7 and hopefully more in the near f...

2008-08-14T12:04:00.000-04:00

I'm a mother of 7 and hopefully more in the near future. We have adopted 6 children. It is unfortunate that we view adoption of children as though we're trying to select a vehicle. Upon searching for a vehicle (rather new or used) we research, pick a color, certain make and model, then take it for a test drive. If we don't like it - we keep shopping for just the right one. Kids aren't like that. When God calls one to adopt - it's not about who has what. It's about obedience. Sure, you have to know your fmaily and what limits you can take. Yet at the same time, we sit and pour over background studies prior to approving a meeting of the child - just to see if they are to "our liking." ugh! Truth be known - of all the background studies I've read w/ the children that we have adopted - the background study scared us to death. Had I taken to the extreme and allowed my mind to run wild with all the information in their home studies - we'd be childless right now. I can't begin to tell you how opposite each child has been compared to each background study we read. For some reason, that background study will knock your socks off. Yet how interesting it is to just trust God! Trust God in the big details - but especially in the small, minute details of the dailies. It's amazing how much better he takes care of us - and every situation that arises. We shy away from older teens because "they're set in their ways and we can at least train and teach younger children." Adopting older children has been the greatest reward my husband and I have experienced. Oh how needy they seem to be. And what joy we've had to watch each small step turn into monumental victories in their lives. They're so appreciative over every thing you do for them. And they are able to express their thankfulness in ways smaller ones can't. I wouldn't trade adopting older children for the world! Sure - they each have their own set of problems. But oh! Each day brings w/ it new challenges and GREAT rewards! So many have said to me through the years, "I don't know how you do it." And my response always remains the same, "It's not about me!!!" AND I add, "I don't know why you're not doing it." Perspective.

Twins or Teen Mom. My husband and I have been fost...

2008-08-14T11:47:00.000-04:00

Twins or Teen Mom.

My husband and I have been foster/adoptive parents for 20+ years. It is important to know that parenting is a team event and you both need to be supportive of one another or any placement will be difficult.

We have been confronted with having to choose on several occasions, it is very difficult because our hearts typically want to help everyone.

Through the years we have come up with a few tips that help us select a child we think will be successful in our home.

1. Request a few meetings with the children being considered. Go out for ice cream, Mcdonalds, nothing fancy just get chance to see if there is a flicker of chemistry. This has often settled the dispute between my husband and I. If this doesn't work we proceed to step two.

2. This will seem cold and uncaring but it works for us because it forces us to talk. Sit down separately and list the characteristics you are looking for in children. Then compare the list and discuss the differences and similarities - come up with a combined list you can agree on. Now the tough part - look at the two potential placements and how do they stack up?

3. Write down pros and cons of each placement. We start separaretly and then discuss this list. Writing them down helps aid our discussion and talk about the potential and concerns of each placement.

4. Trust - if we go through the 3 steps and still are at a dispute then their is a trust factor. At times I am much more compassionate and drive about a placement than my husband - and vice versa. Once we have talked through all the issues, concern, pros, cons, etc. We will trust the compassion of the other person and move forward.

5. We NEVER - NEVER - NEVER - Play the I told you so game if a placement doesn't work out.

Hope this helps! Good luck! Helping children is hard but it has great rewards.

how about any disagreements you have had with your...

2008-07-21T13:53:00.000-04:00

how about any disagreements you have had with your spouse/ partner in who to adopt?

My husband and I are open to a WIDE variety of kids. We are the ones to are awaiting a call for the teenager with her own child. Well, 2 twin boys are looking like a possibility now too. However, our social worker says that if we get the teenage girl, we shouldn't get any more for years. That's not what we want.

My husband is constantly thinking of how much good we could do for the teenager and her daughter. And while I don't disagree AT ALL... I don't feel as confident in my parenting abilities as I would handling the boys. They aren't even teenagers yet...

so we are at a standstill. My husband wants the teenage girl, and I think I would rather have the boys. I do feel guilty about this, and it's not a HUGE disagreement with us, but it could become one if we get a call for both. Like I said, I feel guilty, but am I just normal? I want to help kids, share all that we have, feel the reward in my heart...I guess I would just rather do that with an easier case. (but you know...they have been abused quite a bit...so who knows if they'll be any easier at all, right?)